Okay... please give your take on this...

[RootsAndWings]

This is my first post and I feel silly for even putting it on here, I mean, I have friends I could bounce this off of, and have, but I'd like some unbias opinions....

I am engaged to be married in November. I have a daughter, he has two sons.. we have all three full time. We have our moments, lots of competition in our relationship, not by me, but him. I'm no picnic on the beach from time to time, but you get the drift.

So, for whatever the reason.. I called his cell phone on Monday on my way home from work. He didn't answer, I hit pound and his passcode, and checked his voicemail. There it was. A message left about 10 minutes prior to me checking, from some random girl, saying "Hey, it's so and so, I met you on Friday, you gave me your number so I thought I'd call you and give you mine, give me a call".

So, I did what any female does.. I called my best friend. She told me to call the girl. So, I did. I called her, she answered and I said "Why are you calling my fiance' ". She said "I did not know he had a fiance, I met him Friday at my job, he gave me his card, and told me his cell number was on it". Then she told me that right before I called her (he must have just checked his voicemail) he sent her a text message that said "What would you say if I told you I was seeing someone". She said she responded with "I would say it was nice meeting you". Then he responded "It was nice meeting you to". So, as I am talking to her, I asked her to please not mention that I had called, and she apologized, and was actually very nice".

For whatever reason, I called her about 30 minutes later (I was in traffic on my way home from work and had still not talked to him yet) and I told her I just wanted to call and thank her for her honesty. Then she said "He actually just sent me another text". I asked her if she would forward it to me and she did. It said "It was indeed very nice to meet you, and I wouldn't mind talking to you but since you are not okay with it then this is how it is then. You are very attracive I might add, before you cut me off".

 

Okay... so I did what any other female in my position would do. I confronted him. His story.. she is a liar. I handed her my business card to give to her boss, she called me for whatever reason, not the other way around. My response to him on that was "Well, okay, I'll buy your story because who initiated it is irrelevant when you are sending her text messages that "you'd like to talk to her but since she's not okay with it......"

 

What should I do? I feel like an * * *. I called her back and said that he said he did not give her his number for her and she said "He is a liar and immature.. why would my voicemail say "Since you gave me your number I thought I'd give you mine". Then she said "He got caught and I feel bad for you".

 

Truth is... I need advice.

[melrich]

Well he got caught. You know what happened. There is no equivocation here, the facts speak for themselves. You should decide what you need to do based on those facts.

[i1dr]

Oh geez. I wish this had not happened to you. I think he is partly redeemed here by his behavior that he told this girl outright that he is with someone but as much as I hate to say it - this seems likely to be for the sole intent of being able to carry on in an illicit affair with the lover being treated honestly so that there are no hurts from misunderstanding.

This is pretty vicious! I mean he is by his own behavior someone I would now never trust. What a crummy thing.

[always123]

well she forwarded the text msg to you right? isn't his number right on the fwd. proving that he did say those things to her? i wouldn't trust him.

[Rabican]

He got caught, now he is in full blown weasel mode.. trying to get out of this somehow. Hes got some explaining to do. I think you had better keep your eyes wide open for any more of this sort of thing.

[RootsAndWings]

I just want to say thank you for your opinions. I'm still hurt and it sucks, for lack of anything better to say. I told him last night "How am I supposed marry a man who was trying to carry something with someone else?" His response is, and will remain, "I was being childish and I am sorry. There was no intent. I did NOT give her my phone number for HER, I gave it to her to give to HER BOSS".

I don't know, I just can't get past the text messages he sent her. It really seems as though if she were okay with him "seeing someone else" (in other words, I wasn't worthy of the "Fiance' " title)...then they would be talking right now.

 

I just don't know how to ever trust him again......

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am so sorry you discovered this, very shocking, but better to know before you married him.

 

he sounds like a very experienced philanderer. his approach is shopping for women on the side who will tolerate his primary relationship with someone else. he flirts with someone, passes him his card, then if she bites, he asks her how she'd feel about seeing him in spite of a girlfriend. then when she waffles and says no, he tries the next pitch, which is flattery (how beautiful she is) etc. in hopes she will soften up and agree to it...

 

this was NOT a business contact, no matter what he said. business relationships don't ask those kinds of questions of one another, nor do they talk about how each other looks etc.

 

the fact that he is continuing to deny his intent in the face of getting caught just adds fuel to the fire. i think this is a person you will never be able to trust, who will be perfectly happy to deceive you to his own advantage.

 

i just don't think he is marriage material, if you are not even married and he is shopping for mistresses on the side. please be careful, and demand that he attend couples counseling with you at a minimum, but i really think that a marriage with him would be a losing proposition...

[i1dr]

I fully agree with BeStrong's insightfull summation of the situation.

I know it sucks and hurts like hell but at least fate has given you the chance to make your future better for yourself. Without him. He is not material to build a lifetime with.

Dang what a lousy but vital discovery.

[yokeydokey]

honey, your man is looking for some side action. You could try to ask yourself why - you might even try some introspection, i.e. "could it be me?" but it probably isn't. Fact of the matter is, if you can find a guy who DOESN'T eventually look for some side action you've found yourself a real treasure and you better figure out what you can do to yourself to secure such a rare find. Not many people have the character and depth to breathe such rarified air. Do you?

[RootsAndWings]

i guess where i am stuck at is how to move past it.. or do i just move on? i love him. i think he realizes he messed up... but i also am not naive enough to realize and actually think it's not because he got caught.

he is adament that he gave his business card only for her boss, not her. my response to that is "then why say "what would you say if I were seeing someone". I know what I need to do, honestly, i'm nervous. He has a 12 and 6 year old son, his first wife literally moved out while he was at work 4 1/2 years ago, left him AND the kids... so something wasn't right there.... his children have become so attached to me over the past 3 years... plus my daughter is 10. it's not just me walking out on him... i would be walking out on his children as well.... please help!

[Rabican]

Do you believe that he could have, or has really cheated on you in the past? IF so then leave now.

 

If not:

Then you need to sit him down and tell him that you do not trust him right now. Explain that this cannot go on. And that you would probably leave now, except for the strong relationship you have built, not just with him but the children. However, you will not tolerate this EVER AGAIN. He needs to do whatever he can, and whatever you can think of to get your trust back.

[Kalika]

Why do you think he's sorry?? He still hasn't even admitted that the message was for this woman! I could believe that he's sorry if he came clean, confessed everything (including how many other women he's done this with while you were together) and groveled on the ground for your forgiveness. He's not doing any of those things.

 

I know that with the kids involved, it's difficult, but you really have no reason to believe that he's sorry and would never, ever do this again. Please, do not be naive. He is insulting your intelligence completely by making up this ridiculous story about the # being for someone else. There is no question the message was for this woman, and she was very helpful to you in catching him.

 

As far as the kids go.. they are not a reason to stay with him. You can still be in their life without being with their dad, although realistically it may be difficult.

[Northalius]

This just proves he'd lie right to your face about cheating on you. And yes, this was cheating, or at the very least, a definite intent to cheat. You're not married yet, and this is already going on? That's just not acceptable!

 

Personally, if I were you, I'd say drop him. I could imagine the kids, but you have to think of the future: How will your relationship be good in the long run, when you'll always have this mistrust of him in the back of your mind?

 

It's just not going to work in the long run, I believe.

 

This might even be the reason why his wife left him... ? Who knows, but going by what he did to you, I'd not be too surprised if it were true.

 

And I'm sorry he did such a thing to you.

[Northalius]

Totally agree with this post. He didn't come clean to you before you found out. If he did, then I'd say there's a decent chance of giving him a second chance; however, he did not do this. He's just not relationship material, if you ask me.

[RootsAndWings]

thanks. i totally agree so here's the bigger question... how do i find the strength to leave?

[radioheader]

it is hard to walk away from someone you love...but over time after you marry him it will just get harder if he does it again...

 

if i had known my husband would've cheated twice (that i know of) b/f we got married, i would have walked away. we have 2 great kids now and have been married 15 years...it is so much harder now to think about just walking away with kids involved...so i know what you mean about the kid connection but you are not married to him yet...you have a chance to walk away and let him know that in no way will you tolerate someone doing this to you...i'd walk...but that is just my opinion...good luck with whatever you decide is right for you.

 

the strength i think will come when you are ready to leave him...definitely call off the engagment and give yourself more time to try to figure things out...don't rush it...

[Kalika]

I think a good way to gather up some strength is to picture your life in 5, 10 years. Imagine what it would be like if you did get married to him, and he's still being dishonest with you, still accusing you of being paranoid, etc.. And you have all these regrets, wishing you never got married to him, miserable because here you are married to this guy who is lying, cheating, and manipulating you. If you think your kids are emotionally invested now, consider how much more invested they would be if you two were married and had been together a decade, or even half that time. Would it be easier on the kids if you divorced after 5 years of marriage? After 10?

 

You are LUCKY because you found this out at a point where you can do something about it, and it won't cost you a divorce. Like the others said, he had the perfect opportunity to come clean, express remorse, etc.. and he blew it. If you are going to stay with him, I have this one piece of advice to give to you: DO NOT MARRY HIM. But for your sake, I truly hope you leave him.

 

For all we know, honey, we only have one chance at this life. Do you want to waste your precious time on this planet with someone who treats you like that?

 

And for all you know, he's already cheated on you.

[Aleadragonhawk]

The biggest mistake that people make is going into marriage thinking that it will in some way change or fix your relationship. Nothing is going to change - he'll still be exactly the same person. So ask yourself seriously if this is what you want.

[doyathink]

I agree with the other that he is lying. He text her saying "It was indeed very nice to meet you, and I wouldn't mind talking to you but since you are not okay with it then this is how it is then. You are very attracive I might add, before you cut me off".

Now how bold of a statement is this? his intent was to start something with this lady. This speaks volumes.

 

It's hard to leave and when you have kids that makes it so much harder. The thing to remember is .....he will most likely cheat on you at some point. Use that for your motivation for packing your bags.

[RootsAndWings]

I brought it up again yesterday... I can't help it, you know? I said "How am I to know that you would never do this again". His response.. "Because I am telling you I won't. I see how stupid I was".

I don't know.. He asked me to let him "Spend the rest of his life making it up to me". There is a part of me that wants to walk.. then there's a part of me that wants to see if I can work through it. He still SWEARS he never gave her his business card. He said "If I gave her my card, and she left me a voicemail, why would I have not called her back.. I sent her a text"....

 

Honestly, it all makes me sick to my stomach you guys... Like I told him.. "I don't care about A... I care about B,C,D and E" (the text messages).

I also don't know that I am capable of working through this. At the same time, I don't know that I can leave. I want to believe him. However, I am attractive, successful and intelligent (and do not say that with a big head at all, it is the truth). My point is, I know that I could move on, so I am not with him because I am insecure at the least.

 

Last night he cried to me about it. He said it was juvenile and that he had no intent on carrying anything on. My response was "the text messages spoke a different message". Which they did, right.

 

Then there's a part of me that wishes I had asked her to respond to him that she didn't care, and carried him further through it. I'm just not like that, and had seen enough on my cell to know it wouldn't have made a difference.

 

Then there's a part of me that says WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME TO STAY>>>>>?????

I'm calling a counselor today to make an appointment. He wants to go. I need to go. And right now, my daughter and myself are my main concerns. She is 10 and is at my mom's today because there is no school and my mom called and said "***** said that you and *** have been arguing lately and that you seem very sad. Be a fly on the wall and look at your life"...

[radioheader]

yes...if you decide to try to work it out, you need counseling asap...i still think he did everything he is denying...most cheaters won't confess unless someone has pure proof (happened to me)

 

it will be hard to truly ever trust him again...( i have those issues) but i think you know that...you just have to decide how you want to spend the rest of yoru life...do you take a chance with him? only you can decide if it is worth it...an individual counselor would help you sort thru all those feelings...i'd get into couples and individual therapy....it really does help when you emotions are all over the place! hang in there!

[treefrogkate]

The smooth way he texted her back saying "I would like to talk to you, but since you're not ok with it, tht's how it is" smacks of this not being the first time he's done this.

 

If it were me, I would go to couples therapy (and individual too, as it can help you get your own feelings in line), but I would keep my eyes open.

[EvaGina]

imo, hes playing the "keep denying it and she cant do jack" card...

[PrincessDiana]

If you can't find the strength to leave him for YOU, then do it for your child/children. Is this the example you wish to give to them of what marriage should and can be? Do you want to expose them to the filth and sewer life that cheaters bring home to their primary relationships? I know the pain of what you are going through. I am deep in it myself, having had him end our 7 years together for no reason, only to find out afterwards that he has been living a double life with a 28 year old married mother and drug addict that he hired to work for him! I am lucky that he broke things off, because there is no hell like this. The thought of his lies to me while he was lying to her. He told her that I was a "friend" of his that he was helping out by letting me stay with him through a rough patch in my marriage! In the meantime he is helping her separate and get her divorce all the while he is still building life with me! Do YOU want this is YOUR future or the future of your children?

 

I advise you to run away as fast as you can and never look back. For him to carry on with other women, he is NOT CAPABLE of loving anyone but himself. It hurts like hell....but ....nothing compared to the pain you will suffer and your family will suffer down the road.

[EvaGina]

Im sorry for what you have been through

 

hopefully the OP can learn from this