Found out she's cheating on Valentines Day

[treefrogkate]

At this point, she said she ended it with the guy on Sunday. If he is to keep himself sane while trying to rebuild their relationship, I'm thinking that Stryker is going to have to believe that she did really end it before he found out, and that it would not have continued even if he didn't find out.

 

At any rate, he'll know the truth through her actions and words. Humans are very perceptive and I'm sure his senses will be dialed up to an 11 for a while.

[Rabican]

you arent dumb... maybe just too trusting. But sometimes people need to go through this on their own and not just hear others' advice.

 

One suggestion, make her PROVE her trust and faithfulness. The cell phone thing sounds good, so does getting her email password... dont use it, but just know what it is in case you want to check someday.

[treefrogkate]

One suggestion, make her PROVE her trust and faithfulness. The cell phone thing sounds good, so does getting her email password... dont use it, but just know what it is in case you want to check someday.

 

I disagree. I know for me the temptation to use it would be too much. She should prove herself with her actions and words, and not by having someone check up on her all the time. It's no way to rebuild trust.

[Stryker]

I disagree. I know for me the temptation to use it would be too much. She should prove herself with her actions and words, and not by having someone check up on her all the time. It's no way to rebuild trust.

 

But its not her trust in me that needs to be rebuilt. If she has nothing to hide, and if she wants to regain my trust, she should be offering her cell phone bill to me saying "HEY, HERE, LOOK, no contact!"

 

She would never give me her email password and I would never ask for it. I would also be too tempted to be in her email account all day, everyday. It would consume me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that. Plus there's always her work email which I would never be able to have access to.

 

The way I look at it, if she really wants to be in contact with this guy, she'll find a way to do it. A cell phone bill would give me piece of mind, but I can't dwell on every possible realm of communication...it would drive me crazy and drive her away from me. I have to give her at least an ounce of trust to start, and then let her work towards 100% trust.

 

Like someone said earlier, my senses will be dialed up to 11. If theres any hint of it, I'll walk away. I know I'm putting myself out there right now and I'm setting myself up to get hurt again. But at the end of the day, if I can tell myself that I tried my best to be the good person and make this work, I'm ok with that.

[Rabican]

I disagree. I know for me the temptation to use it would be too much. She should prove herself with her actions and words, and not by having someone check up on her all the time. It's no way to rebuild trust.

 

Ill just remind you that this is a long distance relationship that hes in. Its near impossible to know for sure that she is being honest when there is distance involved. I mean... she ALREADY lied, cheated, etc. etc. So she has proven that she is capable of committing those acts. Why wouldnt she do it again? Im sure the first time around when confronted she would have pulled the 'i swear hes just a friend, nothing happened' etc. etc. routine had stryker not found evidence that was impossible to deny.

[Steelergal]

Let me share my experience with a cheater with you...

 

*Fall 1995-He and I started dating, fell in love, never felt this way before, etc

 

*Fall 1996-I went away to grad school. After a few months of long-distance, he started acting weird, would not communicate, I found out through mutual friends he was cheating and we break up. He said the girl was just a friend he turned to when things were rough with us and they only kissed.

 

*Winter 1996-I am so heart-broken that I take a leave of absense from grad school and move back to the same city as him. He comes crawling back and says he only wants me and he just got stressed by the pressures of the long distance. He SWEARS it will never happen again and it was a huge mistake...please forgive him...he'll never hurt me again, etc. He completely cut off communication with the girl; actually did it in front of me on the phone to prove himself. I took him back.

 

*Spring 2001-We get married. Soooo...we worked through it and nobody can believe it and we beat the odds...just like your sister and brother-in-law, right? It was just a one-time thing and we grew closer from it and now we should live happily ever after because we survived that huge obstacle, right? RIGHT???

 

*Fall 2006-Guess what? He did the EXACT same thing to me again, right after our 5 year wedding anniversary. Started acting weird, stopped communicating, thought he was cheating on me but he said she was just a friend he turned to when times got tough with us (of course he never talked to me about it). He was actually having an emotional affair...which led to a physical affair...I left him...and now they are living together (even though we are still married).

 

So the lesson I learned is....ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! And of course, I have been finding out that he did much more than kiss the girl in 1996 and that he has lied to me about other girls along the way. I could shoot myself for taking him back the first time! EVERYONE told me not to, but I put those love blinders on and thought I knew him better than everyone else and that it would never happen again because he loved me! I completely regret taking him back. In my mind, I have wasted 11 years of my life on someone who did not ever respect me or appreciate me. I think that cheating is an indication of a person's character and that they will do it again and again...especially if they know the person has forgiven them for it in the past. It especially bothers me to hear how she is quick to blame you for her immoral actions and decisions. This sounds just like my husband...it was NEVER his fault!

 

So, I am sorry to sound harsh but please kick her butt to the curb so that you are not writing this same advice to someone years from now!

[radioheader]

wow...i didn't know your whole story...i'm sorry steelergal...as you know, i am pretty much in the same boat except my husband has come back to me again pledging his love and committment...i just don't trust him not to do it again eventually...he has done it twice in out 14 years of marriage that i know of...but we have 2 great kids and they deserve so much...everything is much better.. communication etc....but i still don't trust...probably never will fully again...he does say it was his fault (for not communicating his needs with me and reaching out to her) and has gone to counseling (couples and individual) he is trying to make it right...i guess time will tell...just don't know that i can ever let him get too close again b/c the pain just isn't worth it....at least not at this point in my life...

 

i know you will eventually get past this and move on! as my husband's affair partner told me after i told her i forgave her and didn't hate her, "what doesn't kill you only make you stronger, right?!" you will be stronger...we both will! take care!

[Foolmetwice]

On 2/22/2007 at 1:12 AM, Steelergal said:

Let me share my experience with a cheater with you...

 

*Fall 1995-He and I started dating, fell in love, never felt this way before, etc

 

*Fall 1996-I went away to grad school. After a few months of long-distance, he started acting weird, would not communicate, I found out through mutual friends he was cheating and we break up. He said the girl was just a friend he turned to when things were rough with us and they only kissed.

 

*Winter 1996-I am so heart-broken that I take a leave of absense from grad school and move back to the same city as him. He comes crawling back and says he only wants me and he just got stressed by the pressures of the long distance. He SWEARS it will never happen again and it was a huge mistake...please forgive him...he'll never hurt me again, etc. He completely cut off communication with the girl; actually did it in front of me on the phone to prove himself. I took him back.

 

*Spring 2001-We get married. Soooo...we worked through it and nobody can believe it and we beat the odds...just like your sister and brother-in-law, right? It was just a one-time thing and we grew closer from it and now we should live happily ever after because we survived that huge obstacle, right? RIGHT???

 

*Fall 2006-Guess what? He did the EXACT same thing to me again, right after our 5 year wedding anniversary. Started acting weird, stopped communicating, thought he was cheating on me but he said she was just a friend he turned to when times got tough with us (of course he never talked to me about it). He was actually having an emotional affair...which led to a physical affair...I left him...and now they are living together (even though we are still married).

 

So the lesson I learned is....ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! And of course, I have been finding out that he did much more than kiss the girl in 1996 and that he has lied to me about other girls along the way. I could shoot myself for taking him back the first time! EVERYONE told me not to, but I put those love blinders on and thought I knew him better than everyone else and that it would never happen again because he loved me! I completely regret taking him back. In my mind, I have wasted 11 years of my life on someone who did not ever respect me or appreciate me. I think that cheating is an indication of a person's character and that they will do it again and again...especially if they know the person has forgiven them for it in the past. It especially bothers me to hear how she is quick to blame you for her immoral actions and decisions. This sounds just like my husband...it was NEVER his fault!

 

So, I am sorry to sound harsh but please kick her butt to the curb so that you are not writing this same advice to someone years from now!

I agree, once a cheater, always a cheater.  My long time college gal told me on Valentines that she wanted to start dating a guy she swore was only a friend for the past year, and who was committed to a girl in his home country that looked remarkably like my gal. I got up and left, and some time later we talked over the phone and she suggested she was worth fighting for. I didn’t know what emotional infidelity was then in 1982.

 

fast forward a year and I’m start dating a new gal who tells me fidelity is a very important trait.  We get married in 1984.  In 2004/2005 i notice she’s so chummy with a guy in our choir that people in the church think they are married. I had friends as at my dad’s funeral if that was her brother. Anyway as that 2005 went on, she stopped changing for bed in front of me or holding my hand when we went out. I would ask for a date, and she’d check to see if he was available. At his son’s HS graduation, she spent the entire evening with him, even pushing me away from the dinner table, saying there was no room.  Anyway on August 9, 2005, I learned the term emotional infidelity wit respect to some Hollywood people. I looked up the signs during the day, and there were about 10 that applied. I asked her that night if she was having any affair with that guy. At first she laughed it off, then as I went through the list, she was surprised and devastated. I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. Two days later she told me of a physical affair with the organist at our church (she was the director) and our daughter was 16 months old in Dec 1995 when I caught them embracing and kissing in the choir room while I waiting in the car with my daughter. I saw them through the rear window and got out and walked in. I was so trusting that I didn’t believe what I was seeing. But when she told me, that image came back, along with other comments around that time. She said adultery was only intercourse. I asked then if everything else was acceptable. I guess she was testing me, but looking back a chill went up my spine.  Anyway I didn’t ask what they did, since in 2005, my daughter was 11.  My wife asked for forgiveness. I should have said I don’t expect this to happen again.

 Ow we move forward to 2018. 2017 was fun, the daughter graduated grad school and was employed. Another couple called out of the blue and we ended up heading to a beach that evening in August.  We start going out as a foursome in January, and I notice she’s buying new clothes for summer.  He’s invited her to be on the church picnic committee even though he’s moved out of the city and retired.  They meet weekly from 6 yup 11:30 or midnight.  She also loses interest in intimacy, and I can’t seem to “do anything right”.  We go to a baseball game with the church group, and she says she and he are looking at raffle baskets to consider for the picnic, saying she’lls be gone for 20 minutes at mist. Once again she spent the entire evening with her, while his wife was sitting with friends the invited. The Picnic comes and goes, and I figure that’s done but a week later she invites the to dinner. During dinner he yells at his wife to shut up and let others speak. He’s done this at get together 7 out of 12 times. My wife never defends his wife. Ad dinner concludes they lay a big and lingering kiss on each other. His wife and I as slack jawed but say nothing.

He buys a new place near the islands and invites us for a weekend over Labor Day. My wife and I sleep in a king size bed, and she’s hugging the far edge to keep away.  A few weeks later for our anniversary, my daughter gets us a cottage weekend. He calls her on our drive up there, and they used to talk multiple times a day through the year. My wife has not called or talked to his wife all year.  During that weekend,  she says if I think we having sex, just put that thought out of my head.  We meet another couple and talk with them over a glass of wine. The minute we get up she’s on me that I talked too much and dominated the conversation. Sounds like what Al says to his wife. Sunday of that weekend we went to one of her friends kid’s wedding. After dinner she told me to.  By the way, the first time in 30+ years she didn’t give me an anniversary card. Also, he texted her about how the weekend went, and it was one word: “Fine”

 Stop talking to the guy sitting next to me. WTH?  A week later at another wedding, the very same comment. I got a shirt made that said “My wife says to stop talking”.

anyway we’re in early October when she and my daughter get new I phones. Suddenly all her texts are on my phone. Al, a retired CTO millionaire, has over 900 texts to her that turn into 400 8-1/2 by 11” sheets of paper.  The first text is from that summer beach get together from the year below.  Very cleverly, the pictures he was taking were going to his wife,my daughter, and my wife. Suddenly the last picture only went to my wife. also, that baseball game, they were taking pictures of couples as they entered. While the two were looking at basket, they went through the photo line again. 

i sit down with her a few weeks before we’re supposed to go on vacation, and I am about to ask her if the two were having an affair. She said to let her go first, and then stated she never wanted to have sex or be intimate again. I asked my question about an affair, she said it was all in my head. I later found out she lost 15 lbs, and he lost 75 lbs. if that doesn’t suggest affair, maybe the rest of the deja vu says so. Anyway, the day before her birthday she suggest I go talk to a priest so I take the iPad with the texts, and the photos ( found another one of her guzzling a bottle of wine with the picnic team).  He agrees something is definitely up.

I told her I am going to talk with him, bu I don’t see any Facebook messages, texts or emails, which leave phone calls.  I check here cell phone records. He called 5 minutes after I went to talk to the priest, for they talked for 45 minutes.   A few days later he invites her to join him at the parochial school board meeting with a couple of female parents. I hear the conversation, and I ask her why she’s going, our daughter doesn’t go there any longer. She’s adamant she has to go to support Al. I asked where it was being held, she up at the school at 6:00.  She got home at 11:00 pm. I saw a test on her phone that Al had seen my car drive by a new winery and he was waiting for here. She was 10 minutes out, and was 10 minutes late. He said, I’ll wait for you.

anyway in December he attends our mass without his wife. My wife won’t look at him, until the sign of peace then she’s all smiles and through a glance my way.  H joins us at breakfast and tries to sit between my wife and I, and I send him to the other side. My wife gets up, and diasppears for a while. He keeps asking what’s taking her so long. Finally he beelines over to her and they’re yucking it up.  After breakfast I pull up the car to help her elderly parents in.  He’s all over them with warmth and affection (news to me), plants one on the wife and heads to the his car. He must have felt my stare burning into him, because that’s when he realized he never said hello or goodbye to me.  
 

a week later, Christmas weekend, Al calls her and I see it’s him and told her to answer it on speaker phone. He greets he with “how’s my other wife”. My wife was turned red, and I’m pissed. I listen to the conversation. I don’t say a thing, but when pressed, I tell her I’m going to talk with him.  She says no, it will ruin the friendship. Hello, I’m invisible anyway.  That afternoon we go to confession and I talk to the same priest and tell him how the call went. He says “ That son of a ***”.  He agrees I have to talk to him. My Christmas was Bittersweet.

i send him a text to meet for coffee. He’s there right behind me and he repeats the same stories he told my wife.  I said something like she’s special, something to covet (referring to the ninth commandment; though shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife)

I told him to be careful and back off.  Anyway, I joined the picnic committee with my wife, and suddenly the meetings are only and hour long. Also my wife isn’t wearing a ton of makeup.  For our anniversary, I wrote in her card that it was nice to have her back again. She broke down and went to confession that night.

 

i will never completely trust her again

 

[Capricorn3]

Foolmetwice: This thread is 16 years old and the OP has never returned.  Thread closed.