Found out she's cheating on Valentines Day

[treefrogkate]

At this point, she said she ended it with the guy on Sunday. If he is to keep himself sane while trying to rebuild their relationship, I'm thinking that Stryker is going to have to believe that she did really end it before he found out, and that it would not have continued even if he didn't find out.

 

At any rate, he'll know the truth through her actions and words. Humans are very perceptive and I'm sure his senses will be dialed up to an 11 for a while.

[Rabican]

you arent dumb... maybe just too trusting. But sometimes people need to go through this on their own and not just hear others' advice.

 

One suggestion, make her PROVE her trust and faithfulness. The cell phone thing sounds good, so does getting her email password... dont use it, but just know what it is in case you want to check someday.

[treefrogkate]

One suggestion, make her PROVE her trust and faithfulness. The cell phone thing sounds good, so does getting her email password... dont use it, but just know what it is in case you want to check someday.

 

I disagree. I know for me the temptation to use it would be too much. She should prove herself with her actions and words, and not by having someone check up on her all the time. It's no way to rebuild trust.

[Stryker]

I disagree. I know for me the temptation to use it would be too much. She should prove herself with her actions and words, and not by having someone check up on her all the time. It's no way to rebuild trust.

 

But its not her trust in me that needs to be rebuilt. If she has nothing to hide, and if she wants to regain my trust, she should be offering her cell phone bill to me saying "HEY, HERE, LOOK, no contact!"

 

She would never give me her email password and I would never ask for it. I would also be too tempted to be in her email account all day, everyday. It would consume me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that. Plus there's always her work email which I would never be able to have access to.

 

The way I look at it, if she really wants to be in contact with this guy, she'll find a way to do it. A cell phone bill would give me piece of mind, but I can't dwell on every possible realm of communication...it would drive me crazy and drive her away from me. I have to give her at least an ounce of trust to start, and then let her work towards 100% trust.

 

Like someone said earlier, my senses will be dialed up to 11. If theres any hint of it, I'll walk away. I know I'm putting myself out there right now and I'm setting myself up to get hurt again. But at the end of the day, if I can tell myself that I tried my best to be the good person and make this work, I'm ok with that.

[Rabican]

I disagree. I know for me the temptation to use it would be too much. She should prove herself with her actions and words, and not by having someone check up on her all the time. It's no way to rebuild trust.

 

Ill just remind you that this is a long distance relationship that hes in. Its near impossible to know for sure that she is being honest when there is distance involved. I mean... she ALREADY lied, cheated, etc. etc. So she has proven that she is capable of committing those acts. Why wouldnt she do it again? Im sure the first time around when confronted she would have pulled the 'i swear hes just a friend, nothing happened' etc. etc. routine had stryker not found evidence that was impossible to deny.

[Steelergal]

Let me share my experience with a cheater with you...

 

*Fall 1995-He and I started dating, fell in love, never felt this way before, etc

 

*Fall 1996-I went away to grad school. After a few months of long-distance, he started acting weird, would not communicate, I found out through mutual friends he was cheating and we break up. He said the girl was just a friend he turned to when things were rough with us and they only kissed.

 

*Winter 1996-I am so heart-broken that I take a leave of absense from grad school and move back to the same city as him. He comes crawling back and says he only wants me and he just got stressed by the pressures of the long distance. He SWEARS it will never happen again and it was a huge mistake...please forgive him...he'll never hurt me again, etc. He completely cut off communication with the girl; actually did it in front of me on the phone to prove himself. I took him back.

 

*Spring 2001-We get married. Soooo...we worked through it and nobody can believe it and we beat the odds...just like your sister and brother-in-law, right? It was just a one-time thing and we grew closer from it and now we should live happily ever after because we survived that huge obstacle, right? RIGHT???

 

*Fall 2006-Guess what? He did the EXACT same thing to me again, right after our 5 year wedding anniversary. Started acting weird, stopped communicating, thought he was cheating on me but he said she was just a friend he turned to when times got tough with us (of course he never talked to me about it). He was actually having an emotional affair...which led to a physical affair...I left him...and now they are living together (even though we are still married).

 

So the lesson I learned is....ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! And of course, I have been finding out that he did much more than kiss the girl in 1996 and that he has lied to me about other girls along the way. I could shoot myself for taking him back the first time! EVERYONE told me not to, but I put those love blinders on and thought I knew him better than everyone else and that it would never happen again because he loved me! I completely regret taking him back. In my mind, I have wasted 11 years of my life on someone who did not ever respect me or appreciate me. I think that cheating is an indication of a person's character and that they will do it again and again...especially if they know the person has forgiven them for it in the past. It especially bothers me to hear how she is quick to blame you for her immoral actions and decisions. This sounds just like my husband...it was NEVER his fault!

 

So, I am sorry to sound harsh but please kick her butt to the curb so that you are not writing this same advice to someone years from now!

[radioheader]

wow...i didn't know your whole story...i'm sorry steelergal...as you know, i am pretty much in the same boat except my husband has come back to me again pledging his love and committment...i just don't trust him not to do it again eventually...he has done it twice in out 14 years of marriage that i know of...but we have 2 great kids and they deserve so much...everything is much better.. communication etc....but i still don't trust...probably never will fully again...he does say it was his fault (for not communicating his needs with me and reaching out to her) and has gone to counseling (couples and individual) he is trying to make it right...i guess time will tell...just don't know that i can ever let him get too close again b/c the pain just isn't worth it....at least not at this point in my life...

 

i know you will eventually get past this and move on! as my husband's affair partner told me after i told her i forgave her and didn't hate her, "what doesn't kill you only make you stronger, right?!" you will be stronger...we both will! take care!