Stryker

Thanks Beec. Thats the advice I expected but I had to ask anyways Eva thats the thing. I do want to. I guess I have some conflicting feelings on the issue. Its our 6 mo anniversary so I want that day to be about us, not the affair, if just for one day, to start creating new, fresh, GOOD memories and times together. I can't keep pounding her on what she did. She has to have a reason to want to build up my trust. If I shut her out physically and emotionally, it's going to lead to a bad ending. But at the same time, I dont want to give her a false sense of security. I've come to terms with what she did and my role in it. I've accepted that. However I still haven't forgiven her and we have a long way to go to rebuild that trust. I guess thats where my dilemma is. Is it too soon to share something that we both trust in each other or is it a "sign" (in her eyes) that all is well? I'm probably going in circles so I apologize if my thought process is difficult to understand ](*,)

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months in a long distance relationship. We have had an outstanding sexual relationship in that time. We are so comfortable with each other sexually that it has never been an issue and we are both equally satisfied. However recently I found out that she cheated on me. That story is in the Infidelity forum so if you'd like details, please see this thread. I won't go into much while in this forum unless it relates to this discussion. At any rate, we are working towards reconciliation. We haven't seen each other for a week now (when I found out) and she is coming into town to stay with me this coming Sunday night (the night after our 6 mo anniversary). She has told me that she cannot wait to make love to me to show me that she made a mistake and to prove to me that she loves me and only me. I told her that I dont know if I would be comfortable with it the first time we see each other. I want to have sex with her also, not only because sex with her is the best I've ever had, but because of the emotional connection I still feel with her. I truly feel like we're making love, not just having sex. I just don't know if the stigma of her cheating on me will be too much for me to "perform". Am I...no, wait...are we rushing this? PS I hope this is the correct forum

But its not her trust in me that needs to be rebuilt. If she has nothing to hide, and if she wants to regain my trust, she should be offering her cell phone bill to me saying "HEY, HERE, LOOK, no contact!" She would never give me her email password and I would never ask for it. I would also be too tempted to be in her email account all day, everyday. It would consume me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that. Plus there's always her work email which I would never be able to have access to. The way I look at it, if she really wants to be in contact with this guy, she'll find a way to do it. A cell phone bill would give me piece of mind, but I can't dwell on every possible realm of communication...it would drive me crazy and drive her away from me. I have to give her at least an ounce of trust to start, and then let her work towards 100% trust. Like someone said earlier, my senses will be dialed up to 11. If theres any hint of it, I'll walk away. I know I'm putting myself out there right now and I'm setting myself up to get hurt again. But at the end of the day, if I can tell myself that I tried my best to be the good person and make this work, I'm ok with that.

Wow...those are some very sobering responses. Thank you for your candor. It helps me take the blinders off for a bit... We had some productive talks this weekend on the phone and over IM. I haven't seen her since that day and wont again until at least next Sunday (we would normally alternate weekends here or there and once in a while meet halfway for dinner during the week). I have gotten what I believe to be most of the truth from her. I'll spare the gory details but will cover some of the main points. She wasn't with him on VDay. Her "alibi" if you will, checks out. She only slept with him once and "it wasn't even that good" (like that even matters ) She told me that she immediately felt guilty about it and that it wouldn't have gone on. I'm not sure I believe that but it is what it is right now. She wasn't sure if she would have told me or not...I'm leaning towards no. She broke off all contact with him on Sunday afternoon. She told him that she is choosing me and that they cannot talk or see each other anymore. I know that it isn't done on his end. I'm not naive enough to think that he'll just give up. She said she wants me to trust her again but that she wants to earn it back on her own. She is even willing to go so far as to share her phone bill with me among other things. She is completely devistated by this (as am I obviously). I can hear the regret, guilt, sorrow, care and concern for me in her voice. I will see her at least once again so I will also need to see it in her eyes (and actions too). I still haven't decided if I will take her back yet but am leaning towards trying to make it work. My brother-in-law cheated on my sister many years ago before thier wedding. They broke up and got back together and have now been married for 6 years. So I know that infidelity can be overcome and forgiven in some rare cases. My situation is different of course so whether or not we can make it work or if I can fogive her is another story. I still love her with all my heart and am willing to try if she can prove the same to me. Ok, I think I'm ready for the replies telling me how dumb I'm being by even considering taking her back. Please feel free to do so. Its so hard to look at this realistically when I love(d) her so deeply. Edited for grammar/spelling

I hear ya and I totally agree. Thats why if we are going to be together, it is going to be on my terms, not hers. Thanks again for the replies. I'm going to try and keep myself busy this weekend so I may not be on here, we'll see. This has been a great help, if not just a place where I can vent and clear my thoughts for a few seconds.

](*,) Thanks!!

I dont know that she spent Valentines with him. That being said, I'm not naive enough to think that it isn't a possibility. She's in a difficult living situation with her roommates and so she does just drive around sometimes because that is HER car, she can listen to HER music etc....she told me she drove around thinking....thinking about "how much of a douchebag" she had been (her words) For now I believe her. I have my doubts for sure. I'm of the impression that half truths are told during the first few days after the cheater gets busted. Perhaps thats the wrong way to approach this but I also believe that good people make mistakes. I'm willing to give her a second chance as long as she comes clean with everything and is willing to give him up and be with me on MY terms. If even one fraction of her isn't willing to do this on MY terms, then we won't be together. I'm on a roller coaster of emotions right now, so I may be singing a different tune in 6 hours. Who knows....I am not willing to just dump her without at least trying to work things out. That way I can look at myself in the mirror and know I tried my damnedest.

The hurt and anger that I have could certainly justify some sort of vengence. However how would that help in the long run and what kind of person would that make me? Hurting someone else, especially someone I still do love is not going to make the situation better. Thanks guy.

Sorry, I missed this while I was typing...why do you say that?

OK....interesting talk tonight. We talked about what led her to this (she did admit to sleeping with him), which of course was all my fault...according to her. I told her that it wasn't my fault and that ultimately she made that choice. Naturally she went on the defensive but we finally got down to brass tacks. She's talked to him about 10-15 times over IM since New Years and a few times on the phone when she felt that she needed a "pick-me-up". She only slept with him once when she was very vulnerable (I'm calling BS on that) this past Monday and felt guilty during and after. She told me that it is over and she only has feelings for me and will not contact him. We talked about our future and whether or not we could be together. She doesn't want to leave her job and I don't want to leave my job so the distance plays a big factor in this as well. I finally believe what she told me to a certian extent. I have more answers than I did last night. I hope that I'm not being naieve in believing her. We have agreed to take a couple of NC days to figure things out. We'll get together on Sunday to talk and go from there. I have an eerie feeling that one of us will say that it's over. I'm not sure I can forgive her but at the same time, I'm not sure I can just end it either. I have some more answers but am still confused. Thanks for listening to me vent

My thoughts exactly...well it's quittin time so I'm headed for home. I'll check in later tonight after we talk again. Thanks for all the replies!

Thanks for the replies. I am still in the shock stage I guess. I know that trust is going to be key. She is going to have to earn my trust again. I dont know how that can be done but if there's any chance at reconciliation, it is going to be her job to prove to me that she can be trusted. She asked last night if we were breaking up. I told her that I didn't know. I guess we're in that "limbo" stage. Obviously this isn't going away. She just text me "Hope you made it to work ok, I love you...think about me while I'm at the dentist today!" (she has a major dentist phobia). I hope she isn't taking this lightly and expecting me to sweep this under the rug. I guess we'll see what tonight brings when we get a chance to talk again

Hi all. I've read a few posts to see anyone else had a similar situation but came up with no luck. I'll try and keep it short (I know it wont be ).. We've been together for 6 months and live about 90 miles apart. We got close real fast and grew to love each other deeply. Recently, the distance has gotten hard and we've had some problems. She is blaming me for not appreciating her. I can admit to some of that so I was going to surprise her for VDay. She had grad school so it was not possible for us to see each other on VDay. Well, I talked to her roomates and they gave me the ok to come up and surprise her. I got to her house at about 8 last night and she was supposed to be done with grad school at 8:30.... My surprise was individual cards telling her what I loved about her from her garage door to all the way to her bedroom where I would be waiting. While I was setting up my surprise, I noticed a 2nd boquet of flowers (I had sent some to her work also). I thought nothing of it as it could have been her roomates....well while in her bedroom, I noticed another VDay card from another guy. Right away my heart dropped and I started crying...I called her at 8:30 when she should have been done with school...no answer....time keeps passing so I turn on her PC monitor to check some basketball scores and there it is....an IM window, still on the screen, of sexual comments, flirting, etc. 9:30 rolls around and I call again...nothing. So I text her at about 9:50 saying, "You must be avoiding me, you need to call me asap...I'm in your room" She got home about 5 minutes after that. I've gone on long enough so to be concise, she denied sleeping with him. She admitted to talking to him and kissing him. She says she loves me and doesnt want to be with him and wants to be with me. I dont believe that she didnt sleep with him. I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm seeking here...maybe I just wanted to vent. I love her and want to be with her but I can't get the things I read on her IM out of my mind. I'm so confused

You're right danylion, going back now would bring alot of pain. I would have issues with a lot of things about her. That's why we do need space. Maybe in 6 months, a year or whatever, we could try and reconcile but I just need to keep telling myself that isn't going to happen. And thanks 77streaks, I've never thought of being a mentor or anything like that. I suppose that would be a positive thing to focus my energy on! Maybe I'll look into that.

Exactly. After that whole incident, she apologized and said it wasn't fair for her to call on me. When I left her that day I told her that what happened to her should be a sign that she needs to clean herself up again. I haven't talked to her in a month and we have separate friends so I really can't say if she's still doing the same things. In short, if this is the life she wants, then no, I don't want to be a part of that. Its just that I was such a huge influence on who she had become and in turn that made me a better person. Its tough to just turn off those feelings.