I agree, once a cheater, always a cheater. My long time college gal told me on Valentines that she wanted to start dating a guy she swore was only a friend for the past year, and who was committed to a girl in his home country that looked remarkably like my gal. I got up and left, and some time later we talked over the phone and she suggested she was worth fighting for. I didn’t know what emotional infidelity was then in 1982.
fast forward a year and I’m start dating a new gal who tells me fidelity is a very important trait. We get married in 1984. In 2004/2005 i notice she’s so chummy with a guy in our choir that people in the church think they are married. I had friends as at my dad’s funeral if that was her brother. Anyway as that 2005 went on, she stopped changing for bed in front of me or holding my hand when we went out. I would ask for a date, and she’d check to see if he was available. At his son’s HS graduation, she spent the entire evening with him, even pushing me away from the dinner table, saying there was no room. Anyway on August 9, 2005, I learned the term emotional infidelity wit respect to some Hollywood people. I looked up the signs during the day, and there were about 10 that applied. I asked her that night if she was having any affair with that guy. At first she laughed it off, then as I went through the list, she was surprised and devastated. I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. Two days later she told me of a physical affair with the organist at our church (she was the director) and our daughter was 16 months old in Dec 1995 when I caught them embracing and kissing in the choir room while I waiting in the car with my daughter. I saw them through the rear window and got out and walked in. I was so trusting that I didn’t believe what I was seeing. But when she told me, that image came back, along with other comments around that time. She said adultery was only intercourse. I asked then if everything else was acceptable. I guess she was testing me, but looking back a chill went up my spine. Anyway I didn’t ask what they did, since in 2005, my daughter was 11. My wife asked for forgiveness. I should have said I don’t expect this to happen again.
Ow we move forward to 2018. 2017 was fun, the daughter graduated grad school and was employed. Another couple called out of the blue and we ended up heading to a beach that evening in August. We start going out as a foursome in January, and I notice she’s buying new clothes for summer. He’s invited her to be on the church picnic committee even though he’s moved out of the city and retired. They meet weekly from 6 yup 11:30 or midnight. She also loses interest in intimacy, and I can’t seem to “do anything right”. We go to a baseball game with the church group, and she says she and he are looking at raffle baskets to consider for the picnic, saying she’lls be gone for 20 minutes at mist. Once again she spent the entire evening with her, while his wife was sitting with friends the invited. The Picnic comes and goes, and I figure that’s done but a week later she invites the to dinner. During dinner he yells at his wife to shut up and let others speak. He’s done this at get together 7 out of 12 times. My wife never defends his wife. Ad dinner concludes they lay a big and lingering kiss on each other. His wife and I as slack jawed but say nothing.
He buys a new place near the islands and invites us for a weekend over Labor Day. My wife and I sleep in a king size bed, and she’s hugging the far edge to keep away. A few weeks later for our anniversary, my daughter gets us a cottage weekend. He calls her on our drive up there, and they used to talk multiple times a day through the year. My wife has not called or talked to his wife all year. During that weekend, she says if I think we having sex, just put that thought out of my head. We meet another couple and talk with them over a glass of wine. The minute we get up she’s on me that I talked too much and dominated the conversation. Sounds like what Al says to his wife. Sunday of that weekend we went to one of her friends kid’s wedding. After dinner she told me to. By the way, the first time in 30+ years she didn’t give me an anniversary card. Also, he texted her about how the weekend went, and it was one word: “Fine”
Stop talking to the guy sitting next to me. WTH? A week later at another wedding, the very same comment. I got a shirt made that said “My wife says to stop talking”.
anyway we’re in early October when she and my daughter get new I phones. Suddenly all her texts are on my phone. Al, a retired CTO millionaire, has over 900 texts to her that turn into 400 8-1/2 by 11” sheets of paper. The first text is from that summer beach get together from the year below. Very cleverly, the pictures he was taking were going to his wife,my daughter, and my wife. Suddenly the last picture only went to my wife. also, that baseball game, they were taking pictures of couples as they entered. While the two were looking at basket, they went through the photo line again.
i sit down with her a few weeks before we’re supposed to go on vacation, and I am about to ask her if the two were having an affair. She said to let her go first, and then stated she never wanted to have sex or be intimate again. I asked my question about an affair, she said it was all in my head. I later found out she lost 15 lbs, and he lost 75 lbs. if that doesn’t suggest affair, maybe the rest of the deja vu says so. Anyway, the day before her birthday she suggest I go talk to a priest so I take the iPad with the texts, and the photos ( found another one of her guzzling a bottle of wine with the picnic team). He agrees something is definitely up.
I told her I am going to talk with him, bu I don’t see any Facebook messages, texts or emails, which leave phone calls. I check here cell phone records. He called 5 minutes after I went to talk to the priest, for they talked for 45 minutes. A few days later he invites her to join him at the parochial school board meeting with a couple of female parents. I hear the conversation, and I ask her why she’s going, our daughter doesn’t go there any longer. She’s adamant she has to go to support Al. I asked where it was being held, she up at the school at 6:00. She got home at 11:00 pm. I saw a test on her phone that Al had seen my car drive by a new winery and he was waiting for here. She was 10 minutes out, and was 10 minutes late. He said, I’ll wait for you.
anyway in December he attends our mass without his wife. My wife won’t look at him, until the sign of peace then she’s all smiles and through a glance my way. H joins us at breakfast and tries to sit between my wife and I, and I send him to the other side. My wife gets up, and diasppears for a while. He keeps asking what’s taking her so long. Finally he beelines over to her and they’re yucking it up. After breakfast I pull up the car to help her elderly parents in. He’s all over them with warmth and affection (news to me), plants one on the wife and heads to the his car. He must have felt my stare burning into him, because that’s when he realized he never said hello or goodbye to me.
a week later, Christmas weekend, Al calls her and I see it’s him and told her to answer it on speaker phone. He greets he with “how’s my other wife”. My wife was turned red, and I’m pissed. I listen to the conversation. I don’t say a thing, but when pressed, I tell her I’m going to talk with him. She says no, it will ruin the friendship. Hello, I’m invisible anyway. That afternoon we go to confession and I talk to the same priest and tell him how the call went. He says “ That son of a ***”. He agrees I have to talk to him. My Christmas was Bittersweet.
i send him a text to meet for coffee. He’s there right behind me and he repeats the same stories he told my wife. I said something like she’s special, something to covet (referring to the ninth commandment; though shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife)
I told him to be careful and back off. Anyway, I joined the picnic committee with my wife, and suddenly the meetings are only and hour long. Also my wife isn’t wearing a ton of makeup. For our anniversary, I wrote in her card that it was nice to have her back again. She broke down and went to confession that night.
i will never completely trust her again
