Found out she's cheating on Valentines Day

[Stryker]

Hi all. I've read a few posts to see anyone else had a similar situation but came up with no luck. I'll try and keep it short (I know it wont be )..

 

We've been together for 6 months and live about 90 miles apart. We got close real fast and grew to love each other deeply. Recently, the distance has gotten hard and we've had some problems. She is blaming me for not appreciating her. I can admit to some of that so I was going to surprise her for VDay. She had grad school so it was not possible for us to see each other on VDay. Well, I talked to her roomates and they gave me the ok to come up and surprise her. I got to her house at about 8 last night and she was supposed to be done with grad school at 8:30.... My surprise was individual cards telling her what I loved about her from her garage door to all the way to her bedroom where I would be waiting. While I was setting up my surprise, I noticed a 2nd boquet of flowers (I had sent some to her work also).

 

I thought nothing of it as it could have been her roomates....well while in her bedroom, I noticed another VDay card from another guy. Right away my heart dropped and I started crying...I called her at 8:30 when she should have been done with school...no answer....time keeps passing so I turn on her PC monitor to check some basketball scores and there it is....an IM window, still on the screen, of sexual comments, flirting, etc.

 

9:30 rolls around and I call again...nothing. So I text her at about 9:50 saying, "You must be avoiding me, you need to call me asap...I'm in your room"

 

She got home about 5 minutes after that. I've gone on long enough so to be concise, she denied sleeping with him. She admitted to talking to him and kissing him. She says she loves me and doesnt want to be with him and wants to be with me.

 

I dont believe that she didnt sleep with him. I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm seeking here...maybe I just wanted to vent. I love her and want to be with her but I can't get the things I read on her IM out of my mind. I'm so confused

[Beec]

Your biggest issue is and is going to be, can you trust her. If you feel you might be able to trust her in the future, then you can think about continuing to see her. If you won't be able to, end it.

[88cookie]

the distance has been allowing this to occur without you knowing. ashame that there are ppl out there like that who treat their partner like scum. id sit down and evaluate your situation, can you really trust this person?

[chai714]

All negative behaviors need to be corrected. I don't believe that staying with her is sending the message, "respect me or lose me." She doesn't respect you. Nobody who has ever cheated respects their partner nor appreciates them for that matter. Don't be deceived by her cheap words. She made a conscience decision to kiss the other man. She came at a crossroad and she knowingly chose wrong.

 

In time, you can forgive her but I don't understand how you can get her to respect you OR how you can ever trust her again. In that sense, I think Beec gave you a good bit of advice.

[Stryker]

Thanks for the replies. I am still in the shock stage I guess. I know that trust is going to be key. She is going to have to earn my trust again. I dont know how that can be done but if there's any chance at reconciliation, it is going to be her job to prove to me that she can be trusted. She asked last night if we were breaking up. I told her that I didn't know. I guess we're in that "limbo" stage.

 

Obviously this isn't going away. She just text me "Hope you made it to work ok, I love you...think about me while I'm at the dentist today!" (she has a major dentist phobia). I hope she isn't taking this lightly and expecting me to sweep this under the rug.

 

I guess we'll see what tonight brings when we get a chance to talk again

[radioheader]

you need to make a major consequence (i'd leave her in limbo for awhile about the future of your relationship) and her actions will prove whether she is genuine or not...the distance thing bothers me though...i can't imagine how you she will earn your trust back when you all don't see each other daily...but only you can decide what is best...good luck.

[Zaphod]

She admitted to talking to him and kissing him. She says she loves me and doesnt want to be with him and wants to be with me.

 

I spy a contradiction

 

If she wants to be with you, why was she with him?

[Stryker]

I spy a contradiction

 

If she wants to be with you, why was she with him?

My thoughts exactly...well it's quittin time so I'm headed for home. I'll check in later tonight after we talk again. Thanks for all the replies!

[Rabican]

Long distance + only 6 months invested + she cheated

 

There is absolutely NO REASON for you to stay with this girl. Be very glad that you found out when you did. Tell her to enjoy her life with the new guy, take your valentines stuff and throw it at her and then walk away and never look back.

[Stryker]

OK....interesting talk tonight. We talked about what led her to this (she did admit to sleeping with him), which of course was all my fault...according to her. I told her that it wasn't my fault and that ultimately she made that choice. Naturally she went on the defensive but we finally got down to brass tacks. She's talked to him about 10-15 times over IM since New Years and a few times on the phone when she felt that she needed a "pick-me-up". She only slept with him once when she was very vulnerable (I'm calling BS on that) this past Monday and felt guilty during and after. She told me that it is over and she only has feelings for me and will not contact him.

 

We talked about our future and whether or not we could be together. She doesn't want to leave her job and I don't want to leave my job so the distance plays a big factor in this as well.

 

I finally believe what she told me to a certian extent. I have more answers than I did last night. I hope that I'm not being naieve in believing her. We have agreed to take a couple of NC days to figure things out. We'll get together on Sunday to talk and go from there. I have an eerie feeling that one of us will say that it's over. I'm not sure I can forgive her but at the same time, I'm not sure I can just end it either. I have some more answers but am still confused. Thanks for listening to me vent

[Stryker]

Long distance + only 6 months invested + she cheated

 

There is absolutely NO REASON for you to stay with this girl. Be very glad that you found out when you did. Tell her to enjoy her life with the new guy, take your valentines stuff and throw it at her and then walk away and never look back.

Sorry, I missed this while I was typing...why do you say that?

[Stryker]

make her think everything's okay - sorta detach from her a bit, but act happy and positive. Go downtown and find some nasty skank, have sex with her, get an STD. Cheerfully share it with your two-timer.

The hurt and anger that I have could certainly justify some sort of vengence. However how would that help in the long run and what kind of person would that make me? Hurting someone else, especially someone I still do love is not going to make the situation better. Thanks guy.

[n83]

She's already shown you how she deals with difficulties in the relationship. She made the choice to flirt, let it escalate, and sleep with someone else. She felt so guilty about it, that she spent Valentine's Day with him! Doesn't that seem off to you? I mean, how bad could she have felt if she went back to hang out with him after the fact?

 

Someone who loved you would have ended it with you before pursuing someone else. She didn't have enough respect for you/your feelings to tell you it's over.

 

Let me tell you this (it's stupid, but it has a point): I've been in a not great relationship for the last 3 months. We're about to break up (this would be me dumping him). As much as I get angry with him sometimes, I have enough respect for him that I would never cheat on him. He's a person with feelings, and that's a horrible thing to do to someone. This is a guy I met the day before Thanksgiving. He's not someone I've been friends with, or dated a long time. In other words, even though we aren't long time friends, I still wouldn't do this to him.

 

Yet this is someone you say loves you ... I just don't see how that's possible, if she did that to you.

[treefrogkate]

She's already shown you how she deals with difficulties in the relationship. She made the choice to flirt, let it escalate, and sleep with someone else. She felt so guilty about it, that she spent Valentine's Day with him! Doesn't that seem off to you? I mean, how bad could she have felt if she went back to hang out with him after the fact?

 

Someone who loved you would have ended it with you before pursuing someone else. She didn't have enough respect for you/your feelings to tell you it's over.

 

I agree with n83.

 

I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now. Your emotions must be all over the place. But you've got to think rationally about all of this. You likely wouldn't have ever found out if you hadn't surprised her. She got caught, so she has to give up the game. Blaming it on the significant other and saying they didn't really have feelings for the other person anyway seems to be the MO of cheaters, and I would take both of those statements from her with a boulder of salt.

 

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this, and we'll be here for you if you need to vent.

[Stryker]

I dont know that she spent Valentines with him. That being said, I'm not naive enough to think that it isn't a possibility. She's in a difficult living situation with her roommates and so she does just drive around sometimes because that is HER car, she can listen to HER music etc....she told me she drove around thinking....thinking about "how much of a douchebag" she had been (her words)

 

For now I believe her. I have my doubts for sure. I'm of the impression that half truths are told during the first few days after the cheater gets busted. Perhaps thats the wrong way to approach this but I also believe that good people make mistakes. I'm willing to give her a second chance as long as she comes clean with everything and is willing to give him up and be with me on MY terms. If even one fraction of her isn't willing to do this on MY terms, then we won't be together.

 

I'm on a roller coaster of emotions right now, so I may be singing a different tune in 6 hours. Who knows....I am not willing to just dump her without at least trying to work things out. That way I can look at myself in the mirror and know I tried my damnedest.

[Stryker]

I agree with n83.

 

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this, and we'll be here for you if you need to vent.

 

](*,)

 

Thanks!!

[n83]

That way I can look at myself in the mirror and know I tried my damnedest.

 

Right, but it can't just be one of you doing that.. she has to try even harder than you do.

[Stryker]

Right, but it can't just be one of you doing that.. she has to try even harder than you do.

I hear ya and I totally agree. Thats why if we are going to be together, it is going to be on my terms, not hers.

 

Thanks again for the replies. I'm going to try and keep myself busy this weekend so I may not be on here, we'll see. This has been a great help, if not just a place where I can vent and clear my thoughts for a few seconds.

[yeawutever]

That's total BS, in NO way was it your fault and she wasn't vulnerable. In my view for a person to be sooo vulnerable that they sleep with someone else would have to be that they were rape or so tie up that they couldn't move, thus being done against their will. But she made her own choice, no one made her flirt or sleep with someone else, she did and choice wrong.

[Rabican]

Sorry, I missed this while I was typing...why do you say that?

 

Let me lay this out for you in simple ways.

 

She cheated on you.

 

She spent valentines day with another man.

 

She lied to you about it.

 

When caught, she blamed it on you. Its your fault, not hers. This isnt a sign of someone who is sorry about what they did.

 

Her cheating/ lying ways have already proven that she does not respect you, or love you. She may say otherwise, but thats a lie.

 

You are trying to make excuses for what she did, or justify it.

 

You are putting your head in the sand, and blindly trusting her when you shouldnt. She is a proven liar, and a cheat, and has not shown remorse for what she did. thereforeeee... how can you have any faith that this wont continue to happen?

 

Im willing to bet that you never thought you would discover this cheating lying side of your girl in the first place. You are naive to think its over simple because she said it is. Thats something that needs to be proven... and I dont think that can be done in a long distance relationship. LDRs are hard enough for an honest faithful couple. Impossible in my opion for a cheating liar and a guy who wont believe whats right in his face.

 

Taking her back only shows that she can cheat, and lie, and get away with it. She cheats, you accept it and keep going. thereforeeee, she figures... eh I can do this again and guess what... he will probably accept it then too.

 

IF she honestly showed remorse for what she did, I might think otherwise. But not in this case.

 

Dont forget the fact that you are 28 years old. you deserve better. She is still playing High School games with you.

 

I hate saying I told you so... actually I love it. So Im going out on a very stable limb here and saying that if you stay with this girl, you are gonna get hurt again. Id bet you money on this one.

[Northalius]

You said just about all of what I was going to say.

 

I actually clapped as I read some points in your post, and it's 6 AM here in NYC; I hope I didn't wake up any neighbors.

 

I just have to type out at least some points, since my emotions are running high by reading all of this.

 

Stryker, when she said "I love you", you should've said "Love is an action, and actions speak louder than words! What you've said, and what you've done, contradict each other. You're now lying to me, yet again!"

 

I'm actually angry, because I hate deceptive liars, such as this little child. She's playing you, my friend! And she now knows you're good ground to get what she wants in the future, for her own self.

 

In my 'book of relationship crimes', cheating is basically relationship murder. The cheater has chosen once and for all that you're not the one for her; they've already explained it by their own actions. Their own words that contradict such actions, only prove they're committing another relationship crime: lying in your face. And yet another emotional crime: hoping you'll fall for it! Selfish crime: being relieved that you did fall for it! Now the present and future crimes: Constantly lying about never doing it again!

 

The more you give in to such lies, the more they'll have you on their strings, like a puppet.

 

Do not be deceived!

[wayne]

This is the bottom line:

 

Would you stay with her if you knew for a fact that she was going to keep on doing this throughout your relationship. Because the overwhelming likelihood is that she will.

 

If you're cool with sharing her, by all means take her back. Otherwise, turn her loose and keep looking.

[Stryker]

Wow...those are some very sobering responses. Thank you for your candor. It helps me take the blinders off for a bit...

 

We had some productive talks this weekend on the phone and over IM. I haven't seen her since that day and wont again until at least next Sunday (we would normally alternate weekends here or there and once in a while meet halfway for dinner during the week). I have gotten what I believe to be most of the truth from her. I'll spare the gory details but will cover some of the main points. She wasn't with him on VDay. Her "alibi" if you will, checks out. She only slept with him once and "it wasn't even that good" (like that even matters ) She told me that she immediately felt guilty about it and that it wouldn't have gone on. I'm not sure I believe that but it is what it is right now. She wasn't sure if she would have told me or not...I'm leaning towards no.

 

She broke off all contact with him on Sunday afternoon. She told him that she is choosing me and that they cannot talk or see each other anymore. I know that it isn't done on his end. I'm not naive enough to think that he'll just give up. She said she wants me to trust her again but that she wants to earn it back on her own. She is even willing to go so far as to share her phone bill with me among other things.

 

She is completely devistated by this (as am I obviously). I can hear the regret, guilt, sorrow, care and concern for me in her voice. I will see her at least once again so I will also need to see it in her eyes (and actions too).

 

I still haven't decided if I will take her back yet but am leaning towards trying to make it work. My brother-in-law cheated on my sister many years ago before thier wedding. They broke up and got back together and have now been married for 6 years. So I know that infidelity can be overcome and forgiven in some rare cases. My situation is different of course so whether or not we can make it work or if I can fogive her is another story. I still love her with all my heart and am willing to try if she can prove the same to me.

 

Ok, I think I'm ready for the replies telling me how dumb I'm being by even considering taking her back. Please feel free to do so. Its so hard to look at this realistically when I love(d) her so deeply.

 

Edited for grammar/spelling

[treefrogkate]

I don't think you're dumb at all. I am glad to hear that you are really thinking about this and not just blindly going forward.

 

The best way to prevent this sort of thing in the future? Completely open and honest communication. Talk about what you're both feeling, and let her know that if she is feeling down or vulnerable, she can always come to you.

 

Unless you cannot be sure she is telling the truth, I would not start looking at her phone records. You need to build up trust, and as long as you are "checking up on her", you're not going to rebuild anything. Just make sure the lines of communication are open, and there should be no reason for her to go to anyone but you.

[SarahRose]

I wonder how long she would've continued with him if she hadn't gotten caught?