I feel like I'll never find the right guy. It's so depressing.

[Lily04]

Thread title pretty much says it. I just feel hopeless. It's so hard to find guys I'm into -- smart, kind, sensitive, *confident*, physically attractive, ambitious and funny. That combination....that spark, it's so rare. And when I find maybe one or two who are a catch, they are already dating someone or turn out to be... a word that i can't type here. rhymes with "massive holes" or just about. mainly because they are smart, witty and attractive and that combination often breeds arrogance. and that i end up not being able to deal with for a prolonged period of time, and then end it. those type of guys also typically aren't looking for relationships but just short-term flings/sex partners.

 

where can I go to find the right type of guy? I haven't been in a real relationship in soo long....I've dated some guys but after one or two dates found the attraction waning, things missing and don't know what to do. I live in a large city, brimming with young singles. if I can't find someone here I don't know what to do.

[midgetporn]

Im not one to be an expert on finding the right person. but I do have a strong heart. Time will tell who your looking for. I hope you will find the right person, just be patient.

[melrich]

It's so hard to find guys I'm into -- smart, kind, sensitive, *confident*, physically attractive, ambitious and funny.

 

Yes I imagine it is.

 

And when I find maybe one or two who are a catch, they are already dating someone

 

I am sure they are. That model is hard to find.

 

Maybe you are being too idealistic about this. I mean your description of the type you are looking for is straight out of the link removed "Profile 101".

 

Is there anything you could compromise on?

[gradle]

i don't know...i don't really think she should have to compromise...if we are all those things, why should we expect anything less than that in our mates? i doubt she's looking for someone perfect, but just someone that possesses all of those qualities to a degree that "fits."

i think you will find someone lily, you're quite young. i think we all just need to enjoy our lives as it is. we all take life so seriously, including me. maybe that's the problem? in fact lily. i think you should really enjoy your life as a single woman, b/c once you do find the right guy, you won't be single anymore, all of that will be in the past

[melrich]

i don't know...i don't really think she should have to compromise.

 

Yes compromise might be the wrong word. But if you go into any potential relationship looking for all those traits chances are you may be holding expectations many cannot live up to.

 

People grow into each other in relationships. If you meet someone and they are most of what you are looking for in a person, often you'll discover the pieces that are missing as the relationship develops and you become comfortable with each other.

 

If your expectations are that someone shows you intelligence, humor, sensitivity, confidence, ambition etc in the first few meetings....that's a lot of pressure and it's not always going to happen until there is some bond between the two of you.

[Lily04]

Yeah. I suppose it is sorta hard to find, but at the same time I think I possess most if not all of those qualities, hahaha (of course such things are also subjective.) But I am attractive, was nominated pres. of prom committee, student government, active in sports (used to work out daily, hour cardio everyday although not so much anymore) and was at some point really dedicated in academics. problem was that i had a lot of personal stuff going on.. 'issues' i suppose although that sorted itself out last semester for the most part.......

 

However, I am seeing a psychiatrist currently and he said I haev 'extreme perfectionism' so it's hard to tell with my standards sometimes....i.e. I would receiving failing grades in my courses at a top school in Canada just because I never believed my work was ever adequate enough to submit... the same problem *may* be parallel in relationships, in that I never think anyone's good enough...

 

but it is hard to find chemistry with people sometimes too... in the right way. i will find guys i find attractive but then they're not that smart. i typically like guys who are smarter than me as well.....but then they're arrogant and just want me for sex.

 

i don't know. it is soo frustrating.

[Lily04]

Yes compromise might be the wrong word. But if you go into any potential relationship looking for all those traits chances are you may be holding expectations many cannot live up to.

 

People grow into each other in relationships. If you meet someone and they are most of what you are looking for in a person, often you'll discover the pieces that are missing as the relationship develops and you become comfortable with each other.

 

If your expectations are that someone shows you intelligence, humor, sensitivity, confidence, ambition etc in the first few meetings....that's a lot of pressure and it's not always going to happen until there is some bond between the two of you.

 

yeah, you're right. well there is one guy i sorta like, but he seems to be really shy/nervous around me.....i tend to like guys who are confident and not shy around me. and he is too shy to ask me out... so we're sorta at a stalemate now. but... taking your advice to put 'less pressure' on the potential at hand (haha, that sounds so business-like...) I could just flirt with him and see where that leads...which is what i'm doing now. I'm not sure I like him enough to ask him out at this point.....but he keeps saying he hopes to see me around (we usually see each other at the gym, randomly), but won't ask me out!!

[melrich]

Yeah, shy people are a good case in point. It may just take longer for him to be comfortable enough to show you his true personality.

[gradle]

i think you should go for this shy guy. flirt with him for sure! and ask him to go to a party you might be going to this weekend. i think if you just show him how fun you can be, he'll be even more smitten with how great you already are.

i sort of think shy guys are an untapped resource that really awesome girls need to discover! and once they're with an awesome girl, they won't be quite as shy and that confidence will grow within them.

[Lily04]

yeah. but i'm not sure we're really that compatible either. I suppose we have similar interests, he seems really smart, dedicated, but not that witty or confident. at least he seems a bit awkward around me....but he is attractive as well. I'm more quirky and sociable though it seems.....I don't know. I suppose we can go out for coffee or something if one of us gets the nerve to push this further....

[Lily04]

i think you should go for this shy guy. flirt with him for sure! and ask him to go to a party you might be going to this weekend. i think if you just show him how fun you can be, he'll be even more smitten with how great you already are.

i sort of think shy guys are an untapped resource that really awesome girls need to discover! and once they're with an awesome girl, they won't be quite as shy and that confidence will grow within them.

 

haha thanks. well.. the thing is that I went to his birthday party about a month ago.. he invited me. we flirted a bit, but he was totally nervous and awkward around me... whenever we talked, he'd turn bright red, but there was definite chemistry between us.. he was sooo cute. I gave him a hug goodbye and he said that he hopes to see me around sometime at school/gym or elsewhere....i said yeah that sounds good.

 

we met at the gym for the first time since then about 2 weeks ago, and he was just totally distant, acted really weird like he didn't even care to see me. So then I was like 'ok whatever, he must have found something he doesn't like about me and is over me or something.' So I wrote on his facebook wall that night that it was cool bumping into him again, and I hope he has a good semester (adding a note of finality I suppose.) Then he msged me back like 'hey what's this 'hope you have a good semester' stuff... we'll be seeing each other soon again, I hope. something like that.

 

I was like 'ok then...' and then I just msged him yesterday asking him something about work (we work at the same place as well, but don't bump into each other that much because of different shifts, etc.) and then he said he hopes to see me again....and I flirted a bit in response (just today.) So we'll see where that leads....he definitely knows i'm fun, he sees pics of me partying on my profile lol.....but at the same time. I'm not sure he's so much in his element at parties himself....so maybe that's not the best place to meet....

[gradle]

awww, he sounds cute and shy. just keep it up, hopefully it will go somewhere, if not, then it seems you'll meet someone else soon. it's frustrating when men are so cryptic. i would just try to/hope to bump into him somewhere other than the gym, so you see each other in different settings?

[Blue Dreamer]

There is absolutely nothing incorrect with your mindet. Your mister perfect, yes the one you will be bonding with in the near future, will be your mister perfect. You have evey right to be right on, you will find him if you want to bad enough. You always define yourself. You must realize it takes time and serious effort because you are rare and you are looking for a rare male. They do exist.

 

I am gonna clear some possibilities out. Do you offer all the benefits you expect to receive from your prospective mate? Like attracts like, does not come any more simple than that. So many peeps on this forum complaining they can only meet others inferior to them. If you dont offer everything you expect to receive, there is your sign. Money, of course, has no value in a relationship.

 

You appear to offer great benefits to your boyfriends so I am gonna assume you have connected with some males missing some of your benefits. Accept it, and always learn from it. Give it time, effort and love. You will be prospectively rewarded. Always know, like attracts like, there are excellent males.

[charley]

Kind people are not arrogant, and arrogant people are not kind.

 

A kind person can be confident, but they won't look down on others because their kindness prevents it, and thereby prevents arrogance.

 

Arrogrant people look down on others, and that is what makes them arrogant. If they had kindness in their personality, then they wouldn't be arrogant.

 

I think the problem is that some people, in this case some men, can act kind, pretend to be kind, to impress you long enough to get what they want, but they aren't really kind people.

 

Looking for kindness in a man is a great way to avoid arrogrant men. However, you still have to figure out which guys really are kind, and which are faking it.

 

Also, if a man looks down on others unfairly, then he's arrogrant, especially if that's combined with confidence.

 

Bottom line: Do look for kindness, but try to discern the real thing from the fakes, and also pay close attention to how he treats those in a lower position than himself. That's an effective way to spot arrogrant people. Confident people are great, as long as they are NOT arrogrant.

 

Lastly, if you want a kind person who is NOT arrogrant, then you have to have those same qualities yourself.

[charley]

Consider this: Take your list of what you want in a man, and consider how many of those qualities you have in yourself. If you cannot live up to your own list, then a man who can live up to it won't likely want you. If you can live up to your own list and meet those criteria yourself, then you have a good chance to get a man like that, if you can find a single one.

 

If you cannot live up to your own list of standards for men, then you have 2 choices: Either lower your standards to the point where you can live up to them, or improve yourself in the areas where you are lacking. Possibly do a combination of both.

 

To understand if your list is realistic, you first have to understand yourself, which means some honest self examination, and then either compromise, or self improvement.

 

Now if you do currently live up to and meet ALL the standards of your own list, then you probably need to look elsewhere for men.

[Altruist]

YOu've got to stop being a perfectionist. If you try and look for the good qualities in even the least appealing guy, you'll find them. Meanwhile, good luck with your shy guy!

[Lily04]

 

Now if you do currently live up to and meet ALL the standards of your own list, then you probably need to look elsewhere for men.

 

Well. It's hard to do an honest self-examination, but I think I live up to most standards... I do see qualities lacking though, which I am working on. I don't have time to go into that more in depth right now, however. Where do you suggest looking then?

[Batya33]

Hmmm- I do not think there is any link between intelligence and arrogance. I know people who are not intelligent who are arrogant and vice versa - it all depends on that person's personality and whether they are insecure. Arrogance is a sign of insecurity - that is the link, not to intelligence.

 

My guess is that you go for the unavailable kind of "cocky" type and then when they are unavailable you conclude that intelligent men are more prone to be arrogant.

 

Look, a man would have to compromise on his list to be with you if he did not want to be with someone who was in therapy, right? Not saying that would be right or wrong of him but from the way you described what you are entitled to I suppose a man could have a similar "wish list" where he would have to compromise on that point.

 

Consider whether you tend to have stronger chemistry with arrogant, unavailable men than with men who truly take an interest in you.

 

Also consider whether physical attractiveness is about chemistry or is about wanting to walk into a room with "Mr. Stud."

[charley]

Hmmm- I do not think there is any link between intelligence and arrogance. I know people who are not intelligent who are arrogant and vice versa - it all depends on that person's personality and whether they are insecure. Arrogance is a sign of insecurity - that is the link, not to intelligence.

 

Batya, sometimes you are so wise and dead on accurate. I agree with what you said above very much. There are some really stupid arrogrant people in this world.

 

You're right about arrogance being linked to insecurity sometimes. Other times I think it's just lack of empathy, or maybe just plain meanness. I think any of those, or a combination can cause arrogance. Arrogance is so ugly.

[Lily04]

Sure, a man could have a similar wish list. I'm not in therapy anymore, but I see your point, I suppose.......I'm not really sure where to "compromise" so to speak. I am not typically attracted to the type of guys who take an interest in me though, I usually just see them as friends. And the arrogant intelligent guys aren't necessarily "Mr. Stud" material at all....they just have personal charisma I suppose. I just can't seem to find anyone though....the 'shy guy' isn't even responding to me now. Maybe I came off too strong and he's not interested. I'm not sure, I just feel so confused.

[EvaGina]

No one is perfect, if you set your aspirations too high, then no one will be good enough for you.

 

There is nothing wrong with having standards, but if you ask if we should have to comprimise... then yes... we should.

 

There is nothing fun about going out with a "perfect" guy.

I mean, really, whats so special about the relationship if there is no effort involved? Fixing whats "wrong" is what gives relationships strength.

[Lily04]

No one is perfect, if you set your aspirations too high, then no one will be good enough for you.

 

There is nothing wrong with having standards, but if you ask if we should have to comprimise... then yes... we should.

 

There is nothing fun about going out with a "perfect" guy.

I mean, really, whats so special about the relationship if there is no effort involved? Fixing whats "wrong" is what gives relationships strength.

 

Wow. I really liked this comment. Mostly because that "Mr. Stud" type of guy I dated before (well, he wasn't *that* hot but mostly charismatic type of personality), didn't see me as long-term potential because he said I was "too complicated." But someone who truly likes you and your personality would put a bit more effort into working with it, and seeing the beauty behind the complexity... not just dismissing it as 'not an easy catch' so to speak... I suppose that's how you separate the truly deserving guys from those who are not.

[Northalius]

A lot of good advice here, which I agree with.

 

Fixing whats "wrong" is what gives relationships strength.

 

That stuck out to me, the most. I've spoken about this very thing in conversations before. When you work through faults with your partner, it brings you all the more closer to them. That is, as long as both are willing to put in the effort!

 

It's similar reasoning to: If you work for something, you'll hold it much closer to your heart; rather than what is freely given to you with no effort, you'll take for granted more so. That's when you become spoiled... which is not a good, nor healthy thing to be.

 

So, would you be more impressed with what someone was merely born with? Or what someone wasn't born with, yet chose to change into in light of your inspiration in their life?

[EvaGina]

 

Im glad you two think along the same lines as me.

I think thats why women go for hte "bad boy"... if he treats you well, you really KNOW he loves you.

The nice guy? He treats everyone well, so wheres the thrill?

 

Not saying the nice guy doesnt deserve a chance!!

[Lily04]

A lot of good advice here, which I agree with.

 

 

 

That stuck out to me, the most. I've spoken about this very thing in conversations before. When you work through faults with your partner, it brings you all the more closer to them. That is, as long as both are willing to put in the effort!

 

It's similar reasoning to: If you work for something, you'll hold it much closer to your heart; rather than what is freely given to you with no effort, you'll take for granted more so. That's when you become spoiled... which is not a good, nor healthy thing to be.

 

So, would you be more impressed with what someone was merely born with? Or what someone wasn't born with, yet chose to change into in light of your inspiration in their life?

 

True. I guess he just thought I was too complicated, and as we just started dating he wasn't into that. Maybe this applies more when you're more committed to someone, but if you've only been dating for 2-3 weeks (even if there is chemistry) sometimes they won't think it's worth it? I don't know... I guess it depends on the guy. I know some guys... who are so obsessed with me that they will put up with anything i do, just as long as i will go out with them... i know that sounds odd, but they don't care how many things i ask or how complicated i may be, they'll still be there. and this is when we're not even dating technically.....

 

but this shy guy is not responding to my msg. and I see he wrote on other people's walls. What's with the delay?