trouble in paradise

[aynat]

Hey everybody, thank you for reading this. I didn't know where else to go until I found this website.

 

I've been having some fears in the relationship I'm in right now. I love my current boyfriend to death. He's the most amazing person in my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I know he feels the same way about me too. There's definitely some things that bug me though.

 

In my past relationship, I've always loved spending hours on the phone at night talking to my partner. It was always so comforting to know that the last thing we heard before we fell asleep was each other. My bf right now is different though. I have classes early in the morning and he doesn't have any classes so he spends most of his night playing World of Warcraft. I understand that he doesn't have to get up early and likes staying up late, but would it really kill him to spend thirty minutes away from the computer to talk to me?

 

I've talked to him about it yesterday for an hour. I know he's trying really hard to come through for me and gets frustrated because he had the same problem with another ex. I feel bad for bringing it up too because I don't want to make it seem like he isn't worth it. He really is. He really thinks he's staying up for me. He gets bored though and says he just isn't sleepy so he stays up. We eventually hang up, but he does it so suddenly after I say good night that it wakes me right up again.

 

It's also like that when I spend the day at his house. Whenever we're lying in bed and he feels tired and wants to take a nap, I'm there next to him. I don't mind him taking a nap, that's fine. I like watching him sleep. When I'm the one that wants to take a nap, he usually pushes me and says that he's bored and wants to do something. I told him I was tired and felt like taking a nap but he would still get me up. He says that he doesn't want to see me sleeping when he's bored. I said why not. I do the same for him and I don't mind. After we talk about it, he realizes what he is doing and apologizes.

 

Everything about our relationship is great. He's a wonderful person, he's amazing, and I love him to death. It's not even communication that's the problem. If I called him right now and asked him to come over, he would. He prefers face to face communication.

 

Also, I've been recently talking to my last ex about this. I asked my ex if he was ever not tired when we were talking on the phone. He said that most of the time he was not tired at all. He used to be someone who stayed up all night. I asked him what he did when we talked on the phone and asked if he was ever bored. He said that he much rather preferred talking to me on the phone, even if it was only for a few minutes before I went to sleep, than anything else. He was a real sweetie about it. He can be when he wants to be. He's romantic, caring, and thoughtful. I also told him that he was a sweetie, cutie, and romantic.

 

I still enjoy talking to my ex on the phone. I don't do it after I stop talking to my bf though. I'm not trying to find someone to talk to. He was the first person I called tonight before I went to sleep. He actually stays on the phone , even when he's tired.

 

What if my current boyfriend breaks up with me because of my fear? I know it was part of the reason why him and his ex broke up. What can I do to make him talk to me? I need some advice and some opinion.

[GuitarHero]

It sounds like you are still harboring feelings for your ex, and you may want to reduce communication with him lest those old feelings come back and screw up your current relationship. I myself play World of Warcraft, so I know whats it's like on your bf's side. That game can be very addicting. I think you should talk to him and tell him straight up that you are in a relationship and you should come before the game. Whatever you do DO NOT try to force him to quit playing if its something he loves, just let him know that you expect him to put you before the game. I don't think its anything at all to ask for a few minutes on the phone without being hung up on suddenly to go back to WOW(as we players call it). As for lying in bed and watching the other person sleep, some people(like me) love it, others get bored. Maybe you could ask him to stay in bed with you until you are asleep, then he could go do something else?

[confused_lady]

I completely understand your situation. I have quite very similar problems with my boyfriend.

 

First, the game thing! OH My God… Is this game taking over the world? I think it was invented to destroy relationships to be honest. I now live with my boyfriend, we moved in 2 months ago. I normally like to have internet at home to generally keeping in touch with friend abroad. However I decided it is better for my own sanity not to have it, otherwise he would be playing the game online all the time.

 

Then the being bored thing. I go through exactly the same thing. When he is tired.. he is tired… and sometimes he even goes to bed straight away after getting home from work. I respect that and end up having an evening by myself. Then at 9 pm he wakes up, all refreshed and full of energy and he expects me to be in the same state of mind. This drives me mad!!

 

We have been together now for 10 months and I am just trying to get used to things and trying to live with it. I am a very strong tempered person and I have been trying to control myself. However all these things have led to terrible arguments, very heated ones. At the end I realized that it just makes he feel suffocated.

 

Why do relationships have to be so difficult?

[g1234567890h]

I just realized that I'm an easy guy to have a relationship with. I don't play any computer games. I talk to my girlfriend on the phone every night before she goes to bed. I lose a lot of sleep for her. I have friends who play WOW and I'll tell you, it really messes with their lives.

 

It's currently 3:40 AM. I woke up at 9 today and I've been working with infants, then I worked with my preschoolers until 5:30. I played heavy metal for a couple hours until my girlfriend dropped by for a visit. I made out with her for a while but she had to go home and do homework. I wrote ten pages in my novel tonight. I have a lot of energy.

 

When we're together, sometimes she is content to take a nap. I have way too much energy for her. I have way too much for everybody except a roomful of 20 preschoolers. And I do it all with chronic back pain. Yeah, I'm a masochist.

 

On to relevent topics. There will always be a disconnect in your partner's energy levels. People don't naturally sleep and wake at the same times. Like for us, she likes to fall asleep after sex but sex really energizes me, so I'm always up for at least another hour before I get to sleep. I'm always the last one to go to sleep and the first one up. I make a point to hold her until she goes to sleep and then I can do other things. When I sense that she's waking up I get in bed next to her, wrap my arms around her, and wait until she's awake. She knows that I've been doing all sorts of things before she woke up but it's a nice gesture.

 

Looking back, I don't see how this helps much but I felt like posting it anyway. I hope it helps to some degree. Maybe you can teach your boyfriend how to be a good boyfriend. Being a good boyfriend is a skill.

[Scout]

Simply put, you are making comparisons with your current boyfriend and your ex. This is not being helped by staying in regular touch with your ex and talking to him about your relationship, and also telling him flirtatious comments. How would you feel if you found out your current boyfriend was in touch with an ex and calling her a "sweetie, cutie, and romantic"?

 

I think you should ask yourself if your current boyfriend is really who you want, because right now, what you are doing is very unfair to him. And it's not justified by him not talking on the phone long enough to suit you.

[Cid]

I am a WOW player too but I know that life is more fun, you should tell him that you want to hang out during a set times and when he falls asleep you should go hang out with your friends. And if you want to know what it is like to play WOW ask him to let you try, my wife did that to me and she loves the game and it gives us more ways to hang out with each other.

[Blue Skittles]

WOW is an addiction. I don't play it myself, but i have friends that play it. They are hooked beyond belief. My best friend and her fiance play it to the point where they don't do anything else. I only go back once a year and when i did go back to visit they played wow the whole time without even visiting with me. I was pissed. But you know what? They didn't even have a sense that they were doing that. My ex also used to be hooked on computer games and it was hard to get him to do things with me, which is why i broke up with him. He was really upset. I know he didn't mean to treat me that way but he didn't know how to change.

I think your current bf really cares about you and wants to make things better but i think he needs to learn to prioritize you or the game.

[Scout]

These are all very good points, too. I still don't think you should be having the kind of interaction with your ex you're currently having, but is it possible you're turning to him because you feel neglected? Also, is it possible your boyfriend is indeed addicted to WOW?

[Siriana]

WOW is a killer of real life.

Pulls you away form more valuable stuff.

Thats the reason I never played coputer games - I know I would get attached into this fantasy world.

How some people can afford to stay awake all night? How your bf can play WOW late?

What is he doing during the day?!

 

Hm, talking to your ex.......is there a chance you liked your ex more?

[renaissancewoman101]

The OP is having problems with her bf playing computer games like WoW. So, she tells her ex about it and to garner some understanding, sympathy and solutions.

 

Then, why are some of the posters concentrating on her conversations with her ex and her keeping in touch with her ex, instead of helping her come up with solutions to deal with her current issue of her bf being addicted to WoW? I would think that is the bigger issue here.

 

Her talking to her ex is just her looking for a friend to confide in about things.

 

It's kind of sad that people always seem to frown on guy/girl friendships or ex friendships.

[Scout]

Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but my concern was that she was telling her ex boyfriend he's cute, romantic, and sweet. That seems a bit more than just platonic friendship overtures. I feel she's comparing her ex with her current partner. Would you want a boyfriend to do that to you, Ren?

 

Now, it may be she misses her ex and should be with him instead. If so, THAT is a completely separate issue from her boyfriend's possible WOW addiction, which if I may add, we don't know if he has yet. She hasn't given us enough details.

 

We're just trying to help her sort through things based on the brief information we so far have.

[aynat]

I don't think he is a WoW addict. He's told me that he was an addict once but that's over now. The game is not the problem though, he got me in to the game and I enjoy playing it with him. This whole thing isn't even a problem, it's just something that I'm afraid of losing him. I don't want us to break up because we can't talk on the phone. I try talking about it but he gets so frustrated because he thinks he's doing it sometimes when he isn't.

 

I only call my ex a sweetie because I want him to know that he's special. He really is a wonderful person. My ex told me that he hasn't been on a date with anyone else yet, but only because they never find him attractive. I think to myself why is that? I don't want him to start lowering his standards or settle for less because he is worth so much.

[Scout]

I only call my ex a sweetie because I want him to know that he's special. He really is a wonderful person. My ex told me that he hasn't been on a date with anyone else yet, but only because they never find him attractive. I think to myself why is that? I don't want him to start lowering his standards or settle for less because he is worth so much.

 

Ah, well that's different than what I was originally wondering. I think that's kind of you (as long as it doesn't accidentally get his hopes up that you two will reconcile).

 

Anyway, some guys just aren't into the phone. Now, I have an ex that would talk for HOURS on the phone (but he also was usually in long distance relationships, so that's how he got used to it). My boyfriend now is definitely not a phone person. But when we're together face to face, we can talk for hours. And I'd much prefer the latter.

 

Not to discount what you like and prefer. But it may be something you have to decide is either a small or big sacrifice. If your guy is everything else you say he is, I'm hoping you choose the former!

[sddeaston]

Looking back, I don't see how this helps much but I felt like posting it anyway. I hope it helps to some degree. Maybe you can teach your boyfriend how to be a good boyfriend. Being a good boyfriend is a skill.

 

LOL, I had to say that this made me laugh. I was reading this wondering why in the hell this helps this person.