One moment of madness

[Regret]

I came on the net as I am feeling so ashamed of myself. I need to make some sense of what I have done and stop it from happening again.

 

I have nobody I can talk to about this.

 

I have been reading the other posts and replys

 

I will just tell you what happened.

 

My ex-girlfriend (as of last night) and I haven't been dating long but it has been a very intense few months emotionally.

 

Last night we had been arguing around the same topics that have been an issue from the beginning. Which are very basically me feeling like insecure and jealous of her many close relashionships with guys. As well as her natural flirtaous nature with everyone.

 

Part of me knows that I have nothing to worry about but she has admitted to keping a number of "on the go" while we were going out. That is not to say she was doing anything physical with them (i hope) but just keeping them interested.

 

It does not help that her close friends are male and ethier ex boyfriends or guys who have tried to intiate relashionships with her and have settled for being friends. I know that sounds a bit like crazy talk but it is factual.

 

These feelings have really been eating away at me inside. Making me very upset as well as very angry. I haven't felt like this before though I have had several long term relashionships where I have been in love. We were in love, my ex-girlfriend and I.

 

I didn't like the way that I had been feeling about all this so I had tried to break it off a couple of times. She has convinced me to come back each time.

 

Anyway I dont know if you care about all that other stuff but I guess I felt I had to get it out there. I am not making excuses I am just explaining where the rage came from.

 

We were arguing last night and she laughed in my face and it all welled up in me and I slapped her. I couldnt believe I did it. I didnt even think and then it was over , all over.

 

I hate myself for what I have become. I have never hit a woman. I never wanted to be that guy. But I guess I am now.

 

My ex-girlfriend obviously instantly dumped me. I know she still oves me and I love her but she has to end it because she is worried I will do it again.

 

I have nothing to say that can bring her back, because I cant argue that what I have done is anything but wrong.

 

Is this me for the rest of my life? I am going to try and get some help as I don't want for this to happen ever again. I am not really a person that would hav considered therapy for anything but I guess that is the only option in this case.

 

I feel like I cant function at all. I cant bear to think about going to work or even eating right now. I am normally I very happy person who loves their life.

 

What should I do? What help do I need? Is there any reason why my girlfriend should take me back? Is there any way anybody would ever want me again?

 

I know I dont deserve and wont get any sympathy here or any where else. But I cant see how to continue with my life right now. I dont want to hate myself forever and I am not a suicideal person.

 

I cant even think straight right now and I am not sure if this even makes any sense. Please if anyone can help.

[MrSparky]

Hey,

 

It's not right to strike a woman, but it's a very different thing to slapping a woman amidst a big argument or fight than it is to being someone who uses their ladies as a punchbag. We all get too physical with our partners during fights, and it's especially hard for men as woman can get away with hitting guys and the reverse is heavily criticized. That's not to say it's right or even accepted - as it's not - but look at it for what it was; a moment of anger, and something which you'll do everything in your power to never ever repeat again.

 

Regardless of if she'd accept you back, I would keep away from her. She is not compatible with your kind of personality - you are clearly extremely jealous of her lifestyle, and even if you love her and that love is returned this will most certainly be an issue that'll crop it's ugly head again and again. You deserve someone who has the same moral beliefs as you - and she deserves someone who respects her lifestyle and won't continually be questioning (either to themselves or openly) everything she does.

 

As for the anger, perhaps it's the 'red mist' that we all get, and shouldn't be read too much in to it. Perhaps it stems from a deeper anger, or the chance that it could happen again. If you think it does, then seek anger counselling, you've not bloodily bruised her, but you have crossed a moral line for which you should accept and try and move on.

 

Don't killl yourself (mentally) for it, but don't forget that moment and that person, who was most certainly not you. Never let yourself get there again, but do move on from this experience and don't dwell on it.

[Cid]

You might want to take some anger management classes, I have been to the point of hitting me ex but I just walked away. (She got into my face and told me that she was using me for the last 6mos, and stuff like that.) I have taken anger management classes and they helped me. If you want to try to get back with her then you need these classes and tell her that you are taking these classes. I hope that this helps.

[Honey Pumpkin]

First of all, I don't think you should get back with your girlfriend - or at least not for the foreseeable future. I don't think she would take you back anyway, to be honest, because for most women I know the first sign of physical abuse and that's it, no ifs and or buts.

 

Secondly, I don't know. I am torn, because on the one hand you did hit someone in a fight, but on the other it's the first time and you're mortified by doing it. The advice for perpetrators of violence don't seem especially relevant to you, but do you get angry a lot? I mean, fighting and shouting at your partners, and this spilled over for the first time?

 

There is some good (calm!) advice on this website that you might want to read through at least:

 

link removed

 

I think you also need to try anger management classes to explore this further. I think for your own peace of mind you SHOULD try to do something practical to look at your own behaviour, to make sure that it never happens again.

 

I'm sorry you feel bad. I guess it must have been a shock to you to find you were capable of that.

[IntoTheFire]

Well, I'm not gonna sit here and judge you through a laptop screen, I'll just write what I'm thinking.

 

First of all, don't call the girl right now. Don't text her, don't email her, don't go to her house, or her parents house or her friends house. Nothing for at least a few days. She's almost certainly going to have told some friends or her parents about what happened. I know I would do it, and if you want to get back with her you need to be prepared for a huge backlash from the other people in her life. I know if my sisters boyfriend or my friend's guy were to lay a finger on them, I'd make sure he felt it too.

 

I think anger management classes are a good idea. Not only will it help you in general but it might go towards showing your girl and her friends/family that you're truly remorseful and sorry about what happened. As someone said before me, there's a huge difference between slapping someone in an arugment and beating the crap out of someone on a regular basis, so I think you can definitely come back from this horrible experience.

 

When you first get in contact with her, I'd go see her face-to-face. Not a text or call, and just be honest about everything. I think from reading your post you would do anything to take back what happened, so make sure she knows you're genuine. I think you know yourself what you want to say, cos you've done it pretty well here. None of us on the site know you well enough to give you the words, but like I said, I think you can do it.

[Regret]

Thank you all so much for taking the trouble to post replies here. I didn't think that I would get such a response due to the fact that it was me who had made this terrible mistake. I wish I had such a group of wise friends.

 

MrSparky - Your comments on what is acceptable made me remember. She has actually slapped me in the face several times. Not even in real anger but as a snap reaction to an off color joke or something. I said at the time that the reverse wouldn't be tolerated (not knowing that it would actually happen) but she still did it again.

 

I think you are right there is a moral mismatch between us on what is aceptable behaviour with people from the opposite sex. I mean she is more conservitive than me in almost every way bar this. It really makes me doubt her motives. I would like to let go of this issue but I am not sure how or even if I want to. Is this something I need help for too?

 

Thanks for putting some perspective on what happened though I am worried it is something that may happen again. I think that some sort of counseling would help.

 

Cid - That sounds like a very hurtful thing that your ex said to you. You were strong to walk away. How many classes did you go to? Are they one-to-one? Is it something that you think is behind you?

 

Honey Pumpkin - Thank you for being fair and not reactionary. I was worried that I was going to get posts saying I should have my balls chopped off.

 

I realise that she will probably never take me back. I also know why the apporoach of "thats it, no ifs, and, or buts" is the safest option we have all heard the horror stories and there is no way of telling I guess.

 

It is very hard for me to see myself in this catogory though, but I will just have to live with it.

 

I have gotten quite angry on a few occasions with this girlfriend on the issues previously mentioned. But I am not someone who shouts and argues with their partner. I am not sure if it is because we are incompatable in some way or if it is because I care about her so much that the thought of losing her really gets to me. Which is a bit stupid now as those thoughts have ultimately resulted in me losing her.

 

Thanks for the link it was useful but very difficult to read thinking it that it applied to me. I am not very self aware genrally so I think that some counseling would be a good idea to find out where this has come from. So I can put a stop to it.

 

Where as I believe I am a caring emotional person. I am not very good at analysing those feelings. Similarly I would have scoffed at even considering counseling for anything. I think its in my nature to deal with things myself.

 

I never talk like this with friends or family. I have asked a friend over this afternoon but I am not sure I can be truly honest with him.

 

IntoTheFire - Thank you for not judging. Unfortunately your wise advice on not calling etc has come a little late. I knew that I should't but I couldn't help myself. You are right about the friends, it has been especially difficult to deal with as some are these guys who are just waiting to be with her and I have given a perfect oppertunity.

 

I will wait and speak to her in person. I just dont want her to think of me like that. I also want to make sure that she is OK and that she recovers from this and is happy.

 

Thank you for your belief that I can come back from this. It has given me some much needed hope to carry on.

[itsallgrand]

Hi Regret.

 

Well, my advice might seem a little odd, but bear with me. If it stands for anything with you, I have a lot of history with violence and abuse. Both being on the receiving end, and the giving end.

I've been through anger management, I've been through therapy.

Alternately, my line of work often puts me in the line of a lot of conflict and 'troubled' folks.

 

Reading your post, without extra information, I don't see a man with a problem with anger.

Yes, what you did was wrong. But I think you just 'snapped' momentarily. I think you hit your personal limit and had a huge lapse of judgement.

 

Is there anything else in your life where you struggle with anger - or was this a one time thing, specifically related to your ex girlfriend?

 

I think you would benefit greatly by assertiveness training.

 

Can I speak plainly here? I agree with the others about you now maintaining a strict no contact with your ex.

Even if some time in the future, she did want you back or come to you, I think you should stay away.

She seems to bring out in you your worst side: all your insecurities, your jealousies, your anger.

 

And, honestly, I can really understand why. There are many, many people (me included) who would not be cool with their significant other who is supposed to be commited to us wholeheartedly being so closely involved with so many opposite sex friends.

Having male friends as a woman in a relationship is not unreasonable in itself, but it does sound like this girl really pushed the envelope.

A lot of what you described sounded hurtful to me - keeping men around on a hook, keeping exs there who she knows wanted her, laughing in your face.

 

Good luck. I can understand that you feel your life is turned upside down right, but remember that you are the same man. You can make different choices at any point in time. This CAN change you for the better rather than the worse, if you so choice. You are not 'ruined'.

What happened, it can be a learning experience, it can strengthen you in your character and it most certainly will give you a depth of empathy for others who struggle with some difficult to understand issues.

 

Your best option right now is to go speak to a professional to discuss your options. In my humble opinion, just some good old fashioned talking this through with someone who has a working knowledge of situations like this, and possibly some work on assertiveness will get you along.

 

take care!

[MrSparky]

Don't be too quick to brandish yourself with the bad labels associated with physical acts of aggression towards females. A one-off slap needs to be addressed by you, absolutely, but put it in context. You guys are clearly not compatible - you don't want to let 'it' (the situation of her with other guys) go because it bothers you, and will always bother you. Find out if she is okay, appologise, and explain that you will leave her alone and give her complete space, with no intention of trying to pursue her in the future. If she's still interested in the future, perhaps you should explain to her how you aren't compatible, that you care about her, and that you hate the anger that she made (makes?) you experience. Likewise she may have anger towards the way you handle with your moral incompatibilities.

 

If you're worried it may happen again, start by keeping away from the person/people/situations that make you angry (even if it is just her, and the way she is with others) and find your own peace. Seek counselling and advice if you decide, it helps a lot of people, and then build on that peace without people interfering. It's nothing drastic, just need to step back and assess who you are, what you want, who you want, etc.

[isidore]

Regret,

Yes, in the great list of responses to choose from when she laughed in your face, you chose poorly. But this does not mean that you are now an "abuser" who is doomed to repeat things with all new women. It also does not mean you automatically need therapy. You are aware that what you did was wrong.

 

From my point of view no matter how it ended you're lucky to be away from her! The way you describe her, I'd have been angry too. For goodness sake she actually admitted to keeping a stable of back-up guys while you were together! That is both deeply wrong and faithless, and heaps an Atlas-load level of pressure on your shoulders. How can you be with someone if she lets you know that you'll constantly be under the gun?

 

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with men and women being friends. But in my experience there are women out there (and I assume men in the opposite situations) who can ONLY have male friends and actively avoid befriending women. They are often flirty, but deny wanting anything but "friendship" with their seraglio of buddies. At least your ex was truthful about her conduct, well, truthfull in the end anyways.

 

These scores of male friends most always want to escape the friend zone on the first passing opportunity. Sure, they can genuinely want to be her friend, but they just as genuinely want to bed her too. But you know all this.

 

The point of all this is don't obsess over this one-time hasty act of anger. You will find that you'll be with women in the future who youll be a perfect gentleman around. Some people really do bring out the worst in us (not saying she made you slap her!) but she sounds like she loves to push buttons. Maybe it gives her pleasure to see how men will react to her loose uncaring ways, dunno.

 

Plus there is this: If a man told his girlfriend that he had a bunch of women he was actively flirting with and that he was keeping them on deck in case things didn;t work out, and then laughed in his girlfriend's face when she had a problem with it, I think a slap by her to him would be applauded by women far and wide. She wouldn't be questioning, am I now an abuser?

 

So just keep some perspective, Regret. You're not "that guy" who people picture as an abuser, the sort of dude who pulverizes his wife for not bringing the beer fast enough. You simply reacted inappropriately to having someone you love tell you she basically could take you or leave you, and then cruelly laughing at you when you were hurt.

[Aurian]

I don't see you as an abuser (and I have been with one). I see that you have been in a relationship with someone who is not compatible with you. While it should be okay for a girl to have guy friends (I have quite a few - I get along better with guys than girls), it should not be okay for her to throw them in your face and tell you that they are backups! You also said that she has slapped you several times too. This is not a healthy relationship and you must have been under a lot of stress and provokation.

 

While you do love this girl, I have learned that we do not love just one person - we are all capable of finding a new love, hopefully one that brings more joy than grief. I wouldn't try get back together with her. She will not change, so you will only go back to dealing with more boyfriends-in-waiting and temper tantrums.

 

Take this as a lesson if nothing else, and tell yourself that you won't accept that kind of behaviour from a girlfriend (find someone who is more compatible that is, not trying to change someone), and that you won't accept staying in a relationship where you feel like you might snap again. Anger is okay. Lashing out is not. And since you are remorseful, I think you would understand that as a warning signal and not get yourself in a sitation like that again.

[Guest97]

I had the same problem with my ex-boyfriend. He was a very jelous person and I used to be kind of a flirt and liked attention from men (nothing physical). See, I really truly loved him but his anger and jelousy worried me quite a bit. I had a really violent act happen to me previously and since then wanted to make sure that it will never happen again. Maybe something like that had happened to your gf in the past? Maybe she just had a really bad experience and that is why she tried provoking your anger? Women do such things. When we broke up I started dating somebody else right away. My ex was very angry at me. Only after we broke up I realized how much we actually loved each other and how much we lost. It is possible for you to get her back if she truly loves you, but be very careful and patient.

[Regret]

Hi Itsallgrand - You make allot of sense and it is good to have this perspective. Thanks for your supportive words.

 

I don't think I am an angry person generally but it is something that I want to be sure of. I have been to see a therapist today and I am going to see them for a while to see if it can help. This relationship more than any other seems to have brought out the negative qualities as you say.

 

Can you explain what assertiveness training is? I mean is that a literal definition? As I am not sure how that would help?

 

The jealousy thing is something that I really hated feeling and is where the anger came from. I am 99% sure that nothing physical had happened while we were dating between my girlfriend and these male friends. I am sure that in my mind an emotional line was crossed though.

 

What I cant work out is whether she was innocent about the whole thing or knew consciously what she was doing. She was adamant that her male friends motives were purely platonic.

 

This doesn't reconcile with the fact that everybody can see that the issue with male friends is one that could cause me to be jealous and most if not all agree justifiably.

 

MrSparky - Again thanks for taking the time on this. I did speak to my ex and said that I would like to speak to her face to face but that we should wait a while until meeting. She said that she would be less inclined to see me at a later date so if I wanted to talk it would have to be straight away.

 

So I went to see her and apologised and explained that it was me to blame and that I had no excuse. I explained the way that I had been feeling and that these feelings were the source of my anger. And that I couldn't see a time when I would be ever OK with those things. But that I was going to see someone to deal with the issue of me lashing out.

 

She didn't really say anything but then after I left she contacted me online and wanted to talk and seemed to have a problem with the fact that I hadn't asked to get back together. She said that she had been seriously considering it. I told her that was something that I didn't think was an option and that it wasn't right for me to try and change her mind on this.

 

I am sure now that I do not want to get back together with her no matter what transpires. That really hurts though and I have been very emotional the last couple of days. It must be very difficult for her too that it was me who was in the wrong and did this but it I don't want to continue the relationship.

 

 

Hi Isidore - Thanks for your understanding on this. I cant help but feel very ashamed of what I have done but I am starting to put it in perspective.

 

Your comments :

 

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with men and women being friends. But in my experience there are women out there (and I assume men in the opposite situations) who can ONLY have male friends and actively avoid befriending women. They are often flirty, but deny wanting anything but "friendship" with their seraglio of buddies. At least your ex was truthful about her conduct, well, truthful in the end anyways.

 

These scores of male friends most always want to escape the friend zone on the first passing opportunity. Sure, they can genuinely want to be her friend, but they just as genuinely want to bed her too. But you know all this.

 

 

Are exactly what I have heard from my friends when I discussed trying to leave my ex before. Why is this so obvious to everyone and completely inconceivable to her. Is this something that only men can see or believe? Please can some of the women on the board give me their views on this in particular.

 

Aurian - Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt. I will take this as a lesson of what I will put up with in a partner. And also realise that it has the propensity to make me angry and I need to find a way to deal with that, that doesn't involve violence. As well as avoiding those situations.

 

Guest97 - Thank you for sharing your story. I found it very sad. I really hope that it was not for this reason that my ex acted as she did. As I don't think I will ever speak with her again I guess I will never know. I hope you are in a loving relationship now.

[yeawutever]

No offense but I would have dumped you too, right away deal breaker for me, no "Oh but I didn't mean too, but it's my first time". My b/f is well warn if you ever does that, not only will I retaliate in return but I would never contact him ever again, not even as friends. At the end no one makes you hit anyone, you chose to.

And it clearly seems you two were just not right for each other, the relationship was rocky from the start, thus there was no point in continuing it.

 

Do yourself a favor: Go single for a while until you are ready to settle down with the right girl.

 

Oh and do get yourself anger management classes. Civilized people don't yell or shout nor get physical on beloved partners.

 

[Regret]

I am not criticizing my ex at all for dumping me. I am not surprised at her reaction. I agree it is the right one.My behavior was unacceptable and in excusable.

 

I am just trying to work out why I did what I did and how I can stop it from ever happening again. As well as making some sense out of the feelings that were going on and what triggered the incident.

[yeawutever]

I am just trying to work out why I did what I did and how I can stop it from ever happening again. As well as making some sense out of the feelings that were going on and what triggered the incident.

 

Lack of communication skills, in every relationship you're suppost to talk what makes you feel angry and uncomfortable. If the relationship doesnt; work, simply break up and walk away. Perhaps you were bottling it all up until you explode, that's not good.

 

For your next future relationship, don't talk while you're angry, but when you're calm and can reason. If the person in returns chooses not to reason, simply walk away.

 

As for how can you stop it from ever happening again? Simply: By taking anger management classes

[Guest97]

For a lot of people it helps to get involved into martial arts, boxing or some other high energy sport to get rid of negative emotions. I have tried it and it really does help.

[luvingxsomeonexspecial]

i am not saying that slapping her was right, but i know that sometimes we can do things in the heat of the moment and instantly regret them. I feel sorry for you because i can tell you love her and know that you made a mistake. I think you should give her some space and there is a chance she might forgive you if you prove to her you'll never do it again.

write back and tell me how its going.

xx