What is the use?

[VeganBohemian]

I am a little drunken right now, but I am of right mind. I have mentioned before that I love my boyfriend so much and I do. But, I am upset a lot when I am by myself. I can't figure out if it is because of me or him.

 

I was crying on the phone with my mom for an hour before. Basically, I I live with my best friend and I can't stand her. I know that is an oxymoron kinda. But, I am moving out for my last year of school (next year). I will be living with 3 complete strangers. When I lived with strangers over the summer when I took summer classes, it was better because they weren't filthy and they weren't mean to me like my roommate is. But, I felt so lonely. I secretly wanted to stay at Nick's house every night. he is my bf.

 

He doesn't spend enough time with me. But, he doesn't have any other friends so I know he is just like that. But, what bothers me is that he says he loves me, but if he loved me than why can't I be with him a lot of the time?? Sure, he tries to make up for it by "asking" me to hangout with him during the week, but it is lies. He only says that because he knows I feel bad. It isn't because he really wants to do that.

 

My mom has been smoking since she was 13 and she is 56 now. Every one in my family dies of lung cancer---at least 15 people have. I have no brothers or sisters. She will die soon. She also has REALLY REALLY bad arthritis to the point in which she can barely walk. She wil die soon. I am sooo scared. She loves me more than anything in the ENTIRE world and before she dies I need a replacement. I have no one other than her, my roommate, and my boyfriend. She also is handicapped. She has cerebral palsy. My father doesn't take care of her good and she is always lonely and she needs me. But, I stay here at school anyway for most of the time. I do this so I can be with Nick. I am a horrible daughter and I am scum.

 

I hate how my boyfriend buys me stuff. It ignites such a rage in me. SPEND TIME WITH ME...I don't need your money. I took off from work tomorrow because we had plans to watch the superbowl and now he can't because he has soo much hw. He does though. He does. But, instead of saying I can chill with him while he does his hw and watch the game with him, he kept saying he wants to reemburse me for the money I will be losing. I DONT WANT MONEY. I DONT WANT MONEY.

 

He refuses to talk about anything of substance either. And sometimes he acts as though I am not as smart as him. He denies this. We never fight. That isn't good. It shows we are both insecure and codependent.

 

These are isolated examples though because normally he is very good to me and always is wonderful. He does see me a lot in retrospect.

 

But, I am not satisfyed. WHY??

 

I am scared of losing him. I never tell him anything that bothers me. He says he wants to Marry me (but live with me beforehand) but we never talk about our difference. NEVER. I WANT TO. Why yyyyyy??? Why cant we do this??

 

We have been dating soo long now. 1.5 years. We are still not to the point in whcih we can fight openly. This sucks .

 

And to top it off, I dont know anyone that is married and happy. WHAT IS THE USE??

[MrSparky]

Firstly - you're not 'scum' or a bad daughter for not being with your mum 24/7 - it's called having a life and you must, even if your mum is disabled. You can't spend your life living for other people, you have to live for yourself and she obviously loves you a lot and you obviously love her a lot too - that's what's important, don't make yourself feel bad, you're setting yourself expectations that are absolutely impossible.

 

You've been with this guy for 18 months - he loves you, and wants to marry you. Don't feel scared of confronting him about these things, a relationship is two-way and it sounds as though you aren't getting what you want, and so are unfulfilled. That's not necessarily his fault either, but you really need to discuss it with him.

 

Some people are somewhat emotionally detached and can be very hard to get through to in this way - sometimes you're simply not suited because of that. It's very hard to imagine yourself without your partner when you feel your support structure could crumble, but just take everything as it comes and don't settle for a half relationship, in your eyes. Always look to get what'll make you happy

[robowarrior]

It all boils down to that you are friends with benefits, and not lovers.

 

Isn't it obvious that you can't get out of him what you want? So stop continueing beating a dead horse, just say adios and find a new guy in your life who DOES have time for you, who doesn't neglect or constantly tries to avoid you. Money indeed doesn't fill the empty hole in your heart.

 

So stop self torturing yourself, this surely cannot be the life that you want for yourself. You tried , it failed , move on. Its an important lesson that you can love someone, but you can't hold them prisoner or force them to spend time with you. You deserve better then this...

[anggrace]

You have to be able to talk about these things, plain and simple. It sounds like all these little things are building up inside of you because your not resolving anything. When you don't talk, you make assumptions, and that can lead to bad fellings/ bad reactions which leads to more problems. Its a downward spiral if you don't talk. Will he not talk? Does he know that your feeling this way?

[VeganBohemian]

Whoa whoa whoa...we we not just friends with benefits. He gave me a promise ring, tells me every single day umpteen times that he loves me, and does see me every weekend. We talked about this since I posted and I have slept over his house multiple times this week. He is just very serious about school.