HUGE DILEMMA: Get back w/ Ex or stay with new gf?

[fatfaso]

The Story...

I have a huge dilemma. My girlfriend of 6.5 years broke up with me six months ago and I was devestated. I didn't follow the "no contact" rule and I never got over her. After 6 months of being apart, the ex was still of the opinion that she loved me, but couldn't be in a relationship with me because she felt that she had internal issues she had to deal with herself before she could be in a relationship with anyone. Anyway, 3 weeks ago, I met a girl at the airport. We went on a date and never looked back. We've been dating for roughly three weeks now and things are very good.

 

So what's the problem, right? The ex found out I was dating this new girl and then told me she made a huge mistake and loved me and didn't want to lose me forever. I know what most of you are thinking... "the ex is just jealous!" But I dont know... let's recap.

 

The Ex

The ex was my first love. We started dating in high school, dated all through college, and she dated me during my first year of law school. During my second year of law school, she decided to take advantage of her grad school's study abroad program. She left and never came back. After 9 months of being away from me because she was abroad, she called me up and told me she didn't feel the same...

 

We had several problems. I want to move back to Michigan after I graduate (its where we're both from), but she wanted to move to Chicago or New York for her career. Also, I really wanted to get married after I finished law school, but she said she felt she couldn't even get engaged until she had a permanent job.

 

So what happened after she broke up with me? She graduated from her grad school, went back to MI, got a job working for her father, and never even applied to jobs in Chicago or New York. She's been all alone in Michigan, with no kids her age to hang out with. She's suffered through depression. She says she has no idea what she wants to do with her life or where she wants to live.

 

However, after she found out that I'm dating a new girl, she called me up, told me she loves me, misses me, feels she made the biggest mistake of her life, wants to move to Florida to be with me until I graduate, then we can move back to Michigan together and get engaged... I broke up with her once during law school for one week, and she took me back after I realized I had made a mistake. She says that I should give her that same opportunity.

 

The New Girl

I met the new girl at the airport when I was flying back to Michigan after finishing the first semester of my last year of law school (this year). We spoke for maybe five minutes and then boarded the plane. We sat in different seats and that was that. Coincidentally, three weeks later on my return flight from Michigan back to law school, the new girl was one the same plane. I saw her in the baggage claim and we struck up a conversation together that lasted maybe 15 minutes. I thought about asking her for her name and number, but chickened out. The next day, I checked my law school e-mail account and there was an e-mail from the Dean. apparently a girl wrote to the Dean to ask for help in finding a guy who matched my description... The new girl made up some b.s. story to the dean to get him to send out the mass e-mail to the law school. apparently I had made an impression on the new girl. Anyway, I got the e-mail, responded to it, and we went on our first date. It was great. We went on several more and things kept getting better. Eventually, I wound up sleeping with the girl. The problem is, she was a virgin. Previously, she had been in a 3 year relationship with a guy, but she felt that he wasn't right, so they never slept together. Eventually, he broke up with her and she was devestated. She went on a few dates with other guys and they all ended up being crappy guys...

 

So now this girl meets me, and I'm normal and nice and I treat her well. This girl REALLY likes me. In fact, I think she loves me (she says she does). I really like this girl, but I'm not totally over the ex. To make things even more complicated, I'm graduating in May, and the new girl will be here in Florida until she graduates from her grad school next December. After she graduates, she wants to attend law school the following fall. She said she wants to apply to law schools in Michigan, so we can stay together. She's incredibly intelligent, and I know she could probably go to some of the top law schools in the country (which are NOT in Michigan). I feel like I would be doing her a disservice by allowing her to follow me to Michigan when she could go to better schools in other parts of the country and maybe meet a nice guy while at law school.

 

 

What do I do?!

The new girl is great. When we're together, things are amazing. Unfortunately, when we're apart, I find myself thinking about my ex. For the past six months, I hoped every single day that we would get back together. Now, my ex wants to get back together, but I feel like I can't because:

 

1) she's probably just jealous

2) I took the new girl's viriginity and it would be totally to break up with her... she never did anything bad to me and doesn't deserve to get hurt.

3) the same problems that I had with the ex (wanting to live in different places, don't feel the same way about getting married) will pop up again.

 

Please help, guys.

 

Should I give the ex another shot? Doing so would mean breaking the new girl's heart. All of my friends say forget the ex... she hurt me and she hasn't resolved any of the problems she had that were the cause of the break-up. But I really love the ex. I've wanted to get back together since the day we broke up.

 

Should I stay with the new girl despite the fact that I think about the ex when i'm away from the new girl? Maybe the only reason I think about the ex so much is because we spent 6.5 years together, and i've only been with the new girl for 3 weeks. Maybe if I spent more time with the new girl, i'd forget about the ex? The new girl is beautiful, intelligent, and she loves me for me. But maybe the fact that we're in different stages in our lives will cause similar problems I had with the ex (wanting to live in different locations, etc.)?

 

I dunno... Please help me! Thanks!

[Stereohead]

Take a moment and think about whom you really enjoy more, whom you could possibly one day see as a future partner. Even if you don’t want to get married…but whom do you see yourself actually spending more time with, more enjoyable and happier.

 

Your Ex is probably interested because you’re taken; she wants what she can’t have… The New Girl hasn’t done anything wrong. I see no reasoning on why you would want to leave her, unless you do not love her. If you don’t love her, tell her and end things now.

 

Decide whom you do love. If you love your ex, return to her and hopefully she won’t become your ex again…If you don’t love her and think she is playing jealous, and probably will lose interest again once your back under her control.

 

You sound like your still crazy about your Ex. If that’s the case. Return to her. Break things with the new girl if you don’t love her. Follow what your heart wants… Just decide who do you love? Decide that. You’re playing with multiple hearts…If you love your Ex, tell the New Girl to find someone else… don’t stay with her if you don’t love her.

 

It’s your heart. Who do you want to be with? We can’t decide for you… It’s your life… Who do you really want to spend time with?

[Ladyface]

This is a tough situation, but I'd say ... none of the above!

 

Although things are going well with the new girl, is it fair to her that she's head over heels for you and you're not over your ex? You might break her heart by leaving her, but you may break her heart even worse further down the line if the feelings for your ex complicate things. I'm not saying "Dump the girl," but I think you really need to examine your current state of mind - are you really ready for a relationship right now?

 

As far as your ex is concerned, it sounds like a classic case of fear and jealousy. Of course she's hurt that you're choosing a new girl over her and she's having second thoughts and is scared to truly "lose" you. What I'm worried about is whether she's afraid of losing you or if she's afraid of losing the attention you used to give her that is now focused on someone new. If you got back together, would all your pre-break-up problems be fixed? As far as my experience goes, when exes get back together, often the same problems that caused the break-up in the first place will occur again.

 

Don't think of this as an ultimatum, and don't think you have to choose one girl over the other. It sounds to me like you need some serious YOU time to think about what you really need and want, before you a) lead the new girl on and hurt her more in the long run, or b) lose the new girl for an ex that isn't worth your time!

[loverUTD]

Chase your first love. You'll always regret it if you don't give it another chance. Never give up. I believe fairy tales can come true. I believe in true love. I believe you're not over her for a reason.

 

I'm not necessarily the most impartial source of advice.

[sfindependent]

oh wow, let me know how things go with you, I have the same exact problem, its exciting to see where you can go with the new one, but cant seem to let the old, familiar one go...

[mikeca]

ok, my two cents.

 

take a look at your life now, with this new girl. Is it everything you imagined?

or everything you imagined with your ex?

 

your on a path now where you can move on with an exciting new relationship, but only you know how you proceed.

 

you can come here and ask for advice but when it comes down to it, its your choice.

 

Now ask yourself:

 

Does this new girl complete you? Can she replace your ex in your "dream" scenario.

 

take some time, its a tough situation.

[eleanorrigby1]

wow my boyfriend did something similar a couple of years ago. He decided to leave the new girlfriend and go back to his ex. He said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do, to break someone's heart when they hadnt done anything wrong.

 

Turns out, second time round with the ex. she did the same thing and broke his heart again! but then he met me! so he turned out lucky in the end! he he

 

anyway, he says he doesnt regret doing it, because he HAD to see, she was his first love, and he adored her, he wanted her back so badly and when she finally got jealous and saw him with his new girl (who he was with for 6 months!) he couldnt stop thinking about it.

 

Sometimes we break people's hearts, sometimes they break ours. No one can tell you what to do, or make you feel better about whatever decision you make. In an ideal world you could have them both, waiting for you in alternative universes, or we could look into the future and pick the one it works out with. Life isnt that fair.

 

I think you know that you want you ex back but you are afraid of making a mistake in taking her back. You know you cant go back on it, once you have left this new girl and taken your ex back, there is no going back to the new girl and that is a bit scary at first. No one wants to feel like they made the wrong decision.

 

You will never know until you make it though. If it doesnt work out with the ex second time round, then at least you can be hopeful that you will find someone else you can be excited about. If its happened once, it will happen again.

 

Whatever happens, its not the end of the world and you will survive.

[reasonablegirl]

You describe your ex as currently being in Michigan while you are in Florida. You said your ex is also depressed and lonely with no friends her age. It sounds like she is reaching out due to her situation and because she wants someone in her life and you are what she knows - but that doesn't mean you are what she really wants. I'd tread carefully here. Realistically speaking, how would you manage this long distance relationship with your ex? Maybe all she really wants is some emotional support and not to really get back together.

 

As for the new girl, if your heart is not really free and you can not give her your full focus, that is not fair to her especially since she is inexperienced sexually and probably emotionally when it comes to relationships. DO NOT let her plan her future around you as it has only been 3 weeks and from your post, you are not in love with her right now although she thinks she is in love with you. She should have the benefit of being thought of as a completely new relationship and should not have to try and live up to what you think you had with your ex. That is not fair to her as your memories of your ex can be whatever you have built them up to be and your new girl can only live in your reality rather than your dreams. Unfortunately, she has gotten emotionally attached to you and to break up with her is going to hurt her a lot. In fact, she may end up being an enotalone poster of the month after that with schemes and dreams of how to get YOU back.

 

Due to distance and past problems, things probably won't work out with your ex right now. However, if you don't take some steps to find that out, you will always wonder and that means your heart might not be free for a new relationship for a long, long time. Perhaps you should test the waters with your ex by communicating with her about what she really wants and why - but be cautious. At the same time, you should either break up or extremely back off with the new girl since you can not reciprocate her feelings. Don't let her fall more in love with you and don't let her start planning her life around you.

 

Taking a time out and spending some quality time thinking about what YOU really want and what is best for you was also a good suggestion. This just seems like it will be a logistical nightmare and huge disappointment with your ex and an emotional trauma with your new girl. Either way, it appears that people are going to get hurt and that is not good.

 

Utimately, the decisions rest with you on what to do. Keep us updated and we'll help as best we can.

[papalazarou]

Mate. I bet a few people on here would love to have that dilemma!

[Iceman26]

Drop the ex. You know what you have had and it didn't work out.

 

Read your post, and you will have what I think is your best answer. You don't really say very many positive things about your ex.

 

She's unhappy, stagnant in life and indecisive, and when she sees you happy and moving on, she wants you back in her life. She didn't apologize for anything and nothing in your relationship will change. Your buddies don't want to see you with her either and they have your best interests at heart.

 

After 6.5 years, I think it is normal to still think about what your ex. She was a part of your life for a long time and I wouldn't feel guilty about it were I you.

 

I would just take things slow in your new relationship, and that will give you time to heal and appreciate your new girl more.

[fatfaso]

Spoke with the Ex

I spoke with the ex last night for several hours. All the cards are now on the table. The ex knows I've slept with the new girl. The ex went to California to go to a Conference and made out with a guy while she was there, but supposedly didn't like the guy and now realizes I'm a "good catch."

 

The ex said that I should break up with the new girl since i'm not in love with the new girl, and I should get back together with the ex. The ex's plan involves her getting a job in Michigan right now, me staying single down here in Florida until I graduate four months from now, then I go back to Michigan, we see each other, and we start dating again... hopefully things go well, we get engaged, etc. etc.

 

Problems with Ex's plan

Who knows if the Ex will still love me in four months? Usually, when people start up relationships again, don't they want to actually be WITH each other and not be forced to just talk on the phone periodically? I mean that's TERRIBLE, right? She can't move down to Florida for four months and then move back to Michigan with me because she needs to take a job offer in Michigan that's coming up within a week... that would secure her future in Michigan.

 

The new girl loves me. I don't love her 100% because I still have strong feelings (love) for the Ex. But shouldn't I give the new girl the chance to see if love can grow? Does it make sense to just go back to the Ex if we can't even be together until four months from now? Should I stay with the new girl for four months and see if I still feel the same way about the Ex as I do now? Maybe in four months I'll love the new girl just as much as I did the ex?

 

I have no idea what to do here. Things just got pretty insane. The Ex basically wants me to break up with the new girl and wants to get back together, but we wouldn't be able to actually be WITH each other for four months. That seems a bit risky to me. If I just broke up with the new girl, i'd be passing up an opportunity to see if I could have a lasting relationship with a girl that i think is great and who really loves me.

 

What do you guys think?

[RayKay]

I absolutely agree with this.

 

Some here are asking you to see if you can have with the new girl what you had with your ex, or whether you love her: both are unfair as you will NEVER have what you had with someone else, that is not how relationships are, and it is only three weeks in, you cannot love yet!

 

I worry a bit about the new girl in the sense she seems to be falling fast based maybe on you as an ideal, and the fact she lost her virginity to you, but only time will tell.

 

I do not think however that is good reason to go back with the ex; I think she IS reacting out of fear and jealousy and her own loneliness right now. I have had ex's do the same; my own boyfriends last serious ex did the same thing when she found out we were serious about one another (she too had broken if off with him and moved away). In all cases nothing had really changed, they just did not want to see us with someone else or that door closed out of "control" reasons.

 

Whoa, I just saw your last post! It is unfair for your ex to tell you whom to date or not to date! Especially given it is three weeks in and you should not have to LOVE her yet to continue dating her. Honestly; I think your ex is being unfair; it is not up to her to dictate your choices when she ended the relationship. It is not about you giving her the chance as she says you "owe her". You had 6.5 years to have a chance after all. What she is doing is not love. That is manipulation. I suspect that if you break things off, your ex's enthusiasm will fade.

 

I really think you should not feel forced into ANY decision; which your ex is trying to do.

 

Believe me if it took her 6.5 years to decide you were a good catch; she is not the girl for you.

 

Regardless of whether things work with this new girl or not; that does not mean the ex is right for you either and there is not someone else out there whom is.

[Wandering_Sword]

I think you should move on. Its been six months for you and the ex, and I do agree with the other posts that she is reacting out of fear and jealousy. At the same time the new relationship is moving fast and the new girl is falling hard for you. There could be the possibility of an early fizz out with you and the new girl. But If I had to choose based on what you have mentioned I would take my chances with the new girl.

I'm seeing a new girl myself, but also have the ex on my mind; its twisted but bless this new girl's heart for staying by me while I try to work through this. I know I don't deserve this kind of patience (she's beautiful, intelligent and a medical doctor) but I'm beginning to realize how much more special this new girl is that I'm seeing.

[drum4god]

I also think you should move on. I really think if you just make a decision (and that is not easy) to move on from your ex, you can very well fall in love with this new woman. Going back to your ex, would be a huge risk. I know you love her, but I would not trust your ex. She has hurt you before, and there is a good chance once you guys get comfortable again, it will happen again. It could work, but the odds are not in your favor, and believe me the fact you slept with this new woman is going to cause all kinds of problems.

 

You say you are happy when you are with her, and your when you are away from her you think about your ex. Think about that for a second. You are only thinking about the ex when you are not with the new girlfriend.

 

Anyway, its a tough situation, and I know when you are in love, logic usually goes out the door, but you are risking alot, by going back to your ex. Your new girl sounds like a real catch.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you should slow down for a minute and think about a few things...

 

first, your ex never showed any interest in rekindling with you until he sees the potential for that receding becuase you met someone else... so i think her 'backup' plan has always been you, and she wants that option open, permanently until she makes up HER mind that she hasn't found someone better... but what is important is that she is, and HAS been, looking for someone better for a long time... her words now are meaningless, could just be empty promises to get you to dump that girl, while she continues to look around for herself, and *maybe* goes forward with you...

 

there is a really good chance that if you get back with her, she'll give you the heave ho yet again, or worse, marry you, have a couple kids, give you the heave ho later, while you play a trunkload of child support for the kids while she wanders off looking for her dream lover yet again...

 

so i would make NO promises to her, but if you move back and want to date her, then MAYBE it might get serious, or maybe not... but i would definitely not take her back at this point if it were me, it would make me mad that she jerked me around for so long, and now appears to be in a selfish jealous snit because her 'backup' man might be sneaking off somewhere with someone else.

 

regarding the new girl, i'd say keep dating her if she is making you happy, but be more honest with her about exactly what you are feeling... you have only dated for 3 weeks, so there can be no promises to each other at this point, take the time to get to know one another, but make it very clear that your future plans involve going back to michigan, and you may or may not be serious enough then to consider where you both move, or whether you just break up then... just try to keep her hopes into perspective with the situation with you, that you are not ready to make a commitment to her yet, but you think she's great... she needs to hear the 'buyer beware' speech from you now, because she might be thinking true love, and you don't have a clue at this point whether the relationship will get really serious or not in the 4 months you have left...

 

but i definitely think the new girl sounds like a better prospect at this point, and the ex sounds like she is just desperate to keep her options open and you on a string, when she hasn't really treated you very well...

 

good luck, you don't have to agree to marry or be exclusive with either at this point, nothing wrong with just dating without knowing the exact future, as long as everyone understands where yourhead is right now...

[tribecagirl]

I vote that you stay with the new girl! The reason: Because I was the "new girl" and my ex left me to be with his ex and that's how I ended up here at enotalone!

[i2oadi2unnei2]

I concur with the concensus and stay with the new girl, but take it slow...

 

I was in your shoe once. Long story short...I ending up not being w/ either of them...

[fatfaso]

The "Plan"

I spoke with my friends and family and they helped me wade through all of the emotion and craziness. I read all of your posts and everybody seems to be telling me the same things that my friends and family told me.

 

So... I spoke with the ex and told her my plan based on what i've learned...

 

I've decided to just live. I'm going to live in the "now." Right now, I'm happy with the new girl. She's great. I still love my ex, but at the same time, I couldn't be with her right now anyway... she can't come to Florida and I can't be in Michigan for at least four months, so its pointless to even consider getting back together right now. I've spoken with the new girl and we had the "let's just see where this goes" talk. I'm thinking that I'll just spend the next four months with the new girl and see what happens. Maybe I fall in love with her, maybe I don't. I'm not going to try and force anything. I'm just going to take it day-by-day.

 

I'm planning on doing the "No Contact" thing with the ex and maybe that will help me give the new girl the attention she deserves. Maybe I'll find that I love the new girl in time. Maybe I'll realize how much the ex means to me and I'll be willing to give it a show when I get home. The point is... life is too complicated for me to try and plan for. So instead, I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens. I'm thinking this is going to be easier said than done, but I have to at least give it a shot.

 

Anyway, please keep leaving me posts on what you think I should or shouldn't do. It helps me feel better about my decision to not get back with the ex right now. Thanks everybody!

[Iceman26]

 

Anyway, please keep leaving me posts on what you think I should or shouldn't do. It helps me feel better about my decision to not get back with the ex right now. Thanks everybody!

 

 

I think your plan is great, and I really think you are doing what is best for you and everyone involved in the situation. Just take things one day at a time. It isn't easy getting over someone you were involved with for that long, so just be patient and keep yourself busy. Good luck.

[i2oadi2unnei2]

That is an awesome plan, stick with it all the way and in 4 months, gives us an update. Making plans for trips, to do's, etc. is easier than making plan for the future because no one really knows what the future entails. As we all have heard this before, "life is full of surprises" and you never know what to expect, so live the life now. I am truly happy for you and I wish you and your new SO happiness

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think like this sounds like a great plan! if the new girl is great for you, it will just get stronger, and NC will help your ex realize you are not just content to be a 'backup' man, but deserve something better...

 

i think you will either bond more with the new girl, or else realize that that is not something you want to get serious with after 4 months... and if you ex is the right one, she will be willing to wait a while to let you figure out what you need to do, especially since she took a runner on you, and you deserve to try to find what is right for you, not just what your ex wants you to do...

 

best of luck, maybe neither is 'the one', but you are being very reasonable and thoughtful in your actions, which bodes very well for all of you!