Bombshell Break Up

[Ellie2006]

Kate, I apologize for the double post.

Ach, sorry to hear that you're having a bad day

 

NC *does* drive us mad sometimes bc we have so many questions coursing through our heads!

 

BUT as BSBH pointed out above, it is quite unlikely your ex will give you a straightforward answer that will help you deal with the break-up better.

If anything, his answers might further confuse and hurt you.

 

Kate, I found writing "fake letters" to my ex very helpful.

I wrote pages and pages of questions that I had for him.

I never sent it to him but it was such a huge release to get it off my chest.

 

What do you think?

 

Also, is there an off-line friend you can call and talk to?

 

Hang in there, Kate.

 

You WILL be okay; just have to ride it through this rough patch right now but you WILL be okay.

 

Sending a big hug your way,

Ellie

[Ellie2006]

Hi Kate,

I think you can PM a mod and ask them to move it to a different forum.

 

Hugs,

E

[kate111]

Thank you for your kind words.

 

Yes I probably need to write it all down. I feel too sad to do so yet. It's like I am frozen.

 

I have a few offline friends and have talked to them heaps.

 

I just really really hate being alone right now. Is that normal? When will that feeling go away?

[Ellie2006]

Ach, I feel bad that I have only cliched words for you right now (and can't be more helpful)

But with me, I did find that time does heal all wounds.

Of course this feeling will become less intense as time goes on.

 

I hear ya about feeling completely immobilized by the break-up; it IS a traumatic experience, esp. if it comes at you out of the blue and you can't find a way to rationalize it for yourself bc your ex refuses to help you gain clarity of the situation!

 

Don't force yourself to do anything if you can't right now.

 

Me: I simply started to type and didn't stop until I had expunged all the hurt that I was feeling at that moment. I didn't realize that I had so much stuff bottled up inside me!

 

Also, if your offline friends are unavailable to talk right now, please know we're here for ya.

 

Sometimes, I left the TV or the radio on ... just so it felt like I wasn't alone in my apartment.

[kate111]

Oh I see.

 

Well I shall make this my personal writing pad for expressing my fears, feelings everything then.

 

Shall pm a mod.

[kate111]

How do I find a mod? Is there a list somewhere?

[kate111]

Another question:

 

It seems my ex is hooking up with other girls right away?

 

Why is he doing this? It hurts. Tell me something to make me feel better.

[Ellie2006]

Hiya Kate,

I hope you don't mind but I PM'd a mod for you ...

[peaceseeker]

Hi Kate,

 

Sorry you are feeling bad at the moment. I can relate so much to how you are feeling, so I guess that means it's normal. I really do think that these feelings gradually fade. I am now 10 weeks post- break-up, and I am so much better than I was before. Writing imaginary e-mails to my ex helped me, I saved the letters in my drafts box.....I look back on some of those first letters and I realise that I have come a long way.

 

It is especially hard when some-one you love just coldly cuts you off, I don't understand how that can happen, but it does, sadly too often. I keep reminding myself that it was my ex parnter that was the inadequate one, he was the one who could not face his problems, did not have the strength to talk to me about them and had no other coping strategy apart from running away.

 

I don't know if treating some-one so poorly ever catches up with the person, I would like to think so. Karma would say so. I do believe that not facing and working through problems means that they fester deep within and one day burst out.

 

I don't think it is bad to really feel the pain, it's natural to try to analyse (maybe we do it too much sometimes!), it definitely helps to talk and hopefully in the end we come out healed, not just having put a bandaid over the ugly festering wound beneath.

 

Not much any-one can say will ease the pain right now, just get through each day, remind yourself that it does get easier. You are not alone in this experience......

 

wishing you a better day tomorrow

Peaceseeker

[kate111]

Thank you for pming a mod Ellie.

 

Oh Peaceseeker. It's too hard! 10 weeks is ages. Yet you are still hurting!! I'm really scared about the future.

 

I wish there was a way to fasttrack the pain or switch your emotions off. He seems able to do it.

[DN]

Thread moved as per request.

[peaceseeker]

With the hooking up with other girls thing.....people told me that an ex will often need to find some-one to fill the big hole that cutting you off has left. He is probably unable to spend the time working out what went wrong in your relationship, so he's putting off that hard task and keeping himself "occupied". It's the easiest option at the moment, but it doesn't mean it's the best... and if you make sure you heal from the bottom upward than you will be the one to come out ahead.

 

With my ex, I am trying to feel sorry for that next girl, not only is he not properly healed and thereforeeee unable to give, he might do the same to her or even worse and I would wish that on nobody.

 

Peaceseeker

[kate111]

Perhaps you are right peaceseeker. Or is that sugarcoating things?

 

You're a better person than I in relation to his current partner. I'm currently too afriad to allow myself to think about it (denial) but if I did I would probably wish something horrible on the other person.

[kate111]

Also how long until you can entertain thoughts about being friends?

 

At the moment I could not bear it. But I feel such a waste of 3 years. Will it ever be possible?

[Ellie2006]

Peaceseeker's right, Kate. (Hi Peaceseeker)

 

I don't think it's sugarcoating things at all.

 

As BSBH mentioned above, him turning to immediate "hookups" is indicative of his disrespect towards you and your 3 year relationship.

 

This is neither here nor there, I suppose, but his way is decidedly NOT the healthiest nor the most mature way to deal with a breakup; in the end, what he is doing now will, perhaps, end up being more detrimental to him than to you.

 

BUT leave his worries to him; that's the lot he's chosen for himself.

 

Kate, please DO focus on you; how about writing up a weekly plan to keep yourself occupied? Meeting up with friends? Going to a movie? Exercising? Taking a walk in the park? Venting here on ENA

[peaceseeker]

Kate, if there was a fast track option, the inventor would have big bucks. I have wished for that, or just to drop out of "being" until I was healed...but I guess that's the hard part, we just have to go through the process.

 

Your ex may seem like he is able to turn off his emotions (mine certainly seemed just to be able to get on with life), but I don't think he can do that indefinitely.... there will come a time when those inner demons refuse to be repressed anymore. Hopefully our ex's have developed a bit more by then, cause there is only so far you can run, before you realise that it's yourself that you are trying to escape from.

[peaceseeker]

And Ellie

 

I do agree, the time has passed for thinking about "him". I know I need to be concentrating on my life and moving forward. But I think it's really natural and somewhat impossible not to do the "ex fixation" thing for a while, it's a matter of recognising what it is, for what it is (apart from damn frustrating) and having to inner strength to move on to that next stage of healing. Oh, it is so much easier to write these things than it is to do them...

[shikashika]

Hi Kate

 

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling..

 

I was not in a long as relationship as you were... but I was asking myself the exact same questions that you are.

 

My boyfriend at the time... one day ... just said "yeah i like you but I'm not nuts about you"

 

I always thought I was a pretty perceptive, independent kind of person... and it came as a TOTAL SHOCK to me... I had no idea... I even used to think that he was more 'into' the relationship than I was.

 

I asked over and over and over and jumped to a million different conclusions

 

i really think everyone has a different opinion on the next bit and what works for some people won't work for others

 

I wouldn't say I'm FRIENDS with my ex... but we are civil.. and we have done things together... part of me still feels like "i shouldn't allow him the pleasure of my company'... especially because like you.. I had no idea.. and still don't.. well..I do know a bit.. the guy had zero relationship experience...and just didn't want to make an effort with anything..

but anyway.. I'm just mumbling on... but feel free to pm me if you need a chat.. I know I can't say "I know how you're feeling'.. because I can't.. but I do know that its darn hard and frustrating when you don't even know why a person decided to leave a relationship.

 

Take care

[Juha]

Sorry to hear this happened to you...I would guess he jsut does not want a relaitonship...It is rude and really shows what he thinks of you and the three years that you spent together to just decide you should break up and not give a reason...

 

Guess he is afraid of a relationship...Good luck and things will get better...

 

Same thing happened to me. She lived with me and one day took her to her parents house and she said it was over, mind you all this after 1.5 years of living together...

 

SHe would not talk with me nor ever give me a reason... Told me she would talk with me when she was ready, still waiting for that day...

 

Now she emails or texts every so often to see what I am up to, acts like my heart has healed and everything is good...

 

Talk about being ignorant towards another person's feelings...My heart still is still in pieces and put away... DOn't reallythink I can ever trust anyone again 100%... If I ever do it will take one special person for me to feel it..

 

 

 

[Dilly]

Hey Miss Katie! I empathize with you - I really feel the pain you are dealing with because I've been there. I think it's safe to say that when someone does this once, they will do it again. I know my Robert has the ability to do it again and thus, we are not married. It's probably better you ended it now than stayed together for years with a man who would eventually cheat on you or end things abruptly when you are more intertwined. I would try to not look back at this point. The fact that he has not called, has moved on to other conquests, has callously ended your relationship is NOT a reflection on your worthiness of love, but his inability to love.

 

I don't have much compassion for people who break up with others without giving themselves time off to heal from the relationship. He will enter into a dysfunctional relationship and maybe it will last a long while, maybe not, but he will not be a healed person because he has not given himself time to recover from your loss and that should not give you any hope he will come back to you. If he does come back to you, he will be more dysfunctional after playing the field than he was before.

 

I honestly would let it be. I know familiarity breeds comfort, but looking back, I think I'd have been much better off letting my heart be broken for a while and letting that man sow his seeds while I grew emotionally and professionally than just remerging immediately. We were only broken up a week or two during each breakup.

 

You said he has done this to you before? Tell me about that? How long of a break did he need? And what hoops (if any) did he jump through to win your affection back?

 

You're 33. A mature and wonderful and understanding woman. Have no fear that you will meet someone worth your while when you are healed and prepared.

 

HUGS, GIRLIE!!!

[kate111]

Thank you guys!

 

and Dilly he has done this before to others but not to me.

 

Never on this scale though. He has never had as serious girlfriend as me before. He's done it to friends and less serious girlfriends.

[boston23]

Hi Kate-

 

Sorry you're having a tough time right now, as everyone has said (but since it's true and can be so unbelievable when you're feeling hurt)....it will get better. Really and truly better.

 

It can be painful to see an ex date really soon after a break up. It feels like they've moved on completely. My ex had a new girlfriend within a week or so of us breaking up. I hadn't even moved my stuff out of the apartment when she was over there!!

 

The thing is, your ex is trying to deal with the break up just as you are, he's just not good at it....and you are doing the best thing..taking time to heal!!! Right after the breakup (and before I knew he already had a new gf) I was balling in front of my mom that I was worried my ex would find someone new and we wouldn't be able to get back together, etc, etc. My mom pointed out that I want him to go and date other women. He will undoubtably compare them to me and they will always come up short.

 

I believe that this is true for you as well...you had a 3 year relationship with him. Although it's really horrible that he broke up with you in such a nasty way, I'm sure that the time that you had with him was special to him as well. I've decided to look at the fact that my ex got a new gf so soon after the break up as indicative of all his issues...issues that I don't have to deal with! You are the one coming out on top here, because no matter what the relationship was like, he doesn't deserve to be with you if he treats you like that!

 

Don't know if any of this was helpful, but just some thoughts about how you can look at the whole "other women" thing.

[kate111]

Thank you Boston.

 

I really hope you are right, but fear the worst.

 

I hope he regrets this some day. Hope yours does too.

[Dilly]

I hate the fact that you put your guard down and feel safe with someone and they bail. It's just scarry. Is he one of those guys that you might have coined a "playboy" before you met? I mean, if he's in his 30's, he really needs to get a grip. Lots of guys in their mid-30's think women will find them hot who are in their early-20's and they go play the field and well (no offense to age-gappers or anything), but sometimes, they get what they deserve. My boyfriend actually played the field for a few days during our breakup and I got to see some of his online rejections where girls (God only knows how young) wrote him and said, "gee, sorry, but I think the age gap is just too great." HA!!! No wonder he came back tail between his legs.

[kate111]

Another bad thing has happened.

 

One of my close family members that I am staying with has suffered a mental health breakdown and I am dealing with that as well.

 

I had an ex relapse today. Just feel so incredibly sad that things ended. Like I am grieving or something. Keep wanting to cry and have a heavy heart.

 

Am I actually getting better or am I regressing?

 

Nobody can tell me how long until I feel better.