Bombshell Break Up

[kate111]

My partner of 3 years and live in partner of 2 years informed me we need to spilt up asap 2 days ago.

 

He said that the relationship had been "stagnating"awhile and that he wants to try out being single. He said 3 years is along time and he had to work out here the relationship is going, and he has decided it should split.

 

I asked if it is a break or permanent and he said he can't see us getting back together. I said that I couldn't imagine our relationship ending.

 

He has offered to move out of the apartment but I said he could stay there as I am with family at home. Not sure if I should move back in and find a flatmate or find somewhere completey different.

 

I feel very shocked and can't function. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I want him back more than anything in the world.

 

What do I do? How do I get him back? Is that even possible? So many questions.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Kate!!

 

So sorry to hear the bad news.

 

I guess just take it one day at a time, yeh?

 

I mean, what CAN you do?

 

Give him his space and give it some time. I guess if he gets what he needs, he'll either be back or move on.

 

I think you try to as well.

 

Just hang in there. Keep posting.....some one is BOUND to have better advice than this...

[kate111]

So what do I do about the apartment? Keep it or move?

[AwdreeHpburn]

I dunno. I guess if he's offering to let you stay, you can afford it or can easily get a flatmate - KEEP IT!!

 

That's what I'D do anyway...

[RayKay]

Sorry to hear this Kate; I am not even sure of your entire background with this guy, but I am a bit surprised that he would decide it was stagnating and not share that with you to develop ways to get it back out of the rut.

 

I would move out honestly if I were you, and get away from the memories there if you can.

 

As for him; all you can do is work on your healing and see what happens in the future; but he seems to be quite decided.

 

Honestly though, if someone wanted to try out being single after having been together three years, living together; the door would be shut to them. You don't give a reason like "wanting to try to be single" at this stage in life. There must be something more to it than that; especially the "ASAP" part - there is something that got him that urgent...

[Hope75]

Hey Kate,

 

I'm sorry too.

 

I'm with RayKay wondering why he suddenly needs to end it NOW with no thought of talking to you about it, especially if you didn't see this coming at all. Did you two have any problems that you knew of prior to this?

 

Do you think there is someone else?

[RayKay]

That is what I was thinking Hope myself.

[kate111]

I asked him that and he said there is noone else.

[agent1607307371]

Which can translate as "There's nobody you need to know about."

 

Seriously, since he has instigated the split, he should be the one to move out.

Unless you don't feel like you could face living there, but don't put yourself out over his decision.

[AintittheTruth]

Consider moving out and finding a new place if you can. Staying in the home you shared with him may keep you percolating in the memories of what was. Percolating is not healthy for healing.

[Ellie2006]

Hey Kate,

Sorry to hear of your situation

 

Regardless of whether or not there's someone else in the picture, his abrupt request for a break-up was, in and of itself, disrespectful towards you and the three years you invested in the relationship. (If there's someone else, then that only adds to the disrespect he's already shown you.)

 

Also, he's being rather selfish, in my humble opinion, to make this decision about the relationship, which involves both of you. His unwillingness to address and work on the issues within the relationship is disconcerting.

 

Regardless, break-ups are rough, even when we're breaking up with people who's acted in an insensitive way towards us. So please do take extra good care of yourself while you heal -- e.g. sleep, rest, eat, get fresh air, vent, allow friends, both off-line and online, to support you through this difficult period.

 

Hang in there!

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[Hope75]

Kate I am saddened that he just dismissed a lengthy relationship with no attempts to even talk with you about the reasons why, and no heads up from him if things were going south. Communication is so important in a relationship and it seems as though he missed the boat on this one.

 

I guess that's why I wondered if there was another person in the picture, even if in the distant background, as his decision was so final and so absolute, it's just weird.

 

You are going to be OK though- you can't be expected to read minds and if he's made up his there is little you could do to change it.

 

I guess the good news is that you won't spend your life with someone who is unable to talk to you when trouble arises, out of love and respect for our partners we all owe each other that.

[peaceseeker]

Hi Kate

 

I'm so sorry and I really empathise......I am going through what sounds like a very simlilar situation. Nine weeks ago my partner decided to walk out, like you I was totally shocked. I am the same age as you and we has been together for three years. He couldn't give me any reasons I could understand......he too mentioned trying the single life and a lack of commitment. I know how frustrating it is when you really need to know why and sadly there is nothing you can do to find out. I tried myself, asking (lots of times!), reasoning where there seemed no reason and unfortunately getting no-where. If you can, be strong girl, try not to ask.....

 

I agree with Ellie2006, it is really selfish when one person decides about a relationship with no warning, no discusion, when relationships are meant to be about sharing. I am very hurt that my ex-partner was unable to share his feelings or let me know that anything was wrong.

 

I was left with the house and found it really hard to stay there. I felt like the control had been taken away from me, by not being included in the important decision to end things and I needed to do something postive to start feeling OK again. So I moved out temporary. Also unavoidable memories will pervade your home, even when his stuff is gone. What ever you decide...good luck

 

I found it hard to think of future things, or current things, or just about anything really when I was reeling from the news, I literally had to take one minute, then hour at a time and just get through them as best I could. You are lucky to have family, they can be amazing support .....I really admire mine more now, they have been the best. And friends, they seem to be able to hear the same words a billion timed over and still be interested. WE need them when life does a 180 and kicks us on the way

 

I can vouch, it does get better.....slowly. Some days I catch a glipmse of my normal happy self, others I go and donate to the lake of tears. But overall the momentum is moving forward, which I'm proud

 

We are all thinking of you, lots of positive and loving thoughts....you wil make it past this blacktime into days of shunshine and new oppotunities that you may never had envisaged.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Kate111,

 

I too am in a similar position. I am 34 so is my ex togther just over 2 years 1 living together.

 

October 11th 2006 I came home from work normal day...my ex was in the kitchen waiting for me. I looked at him and I knew there was something. He said he wanted us to break up, he wanted to be alone, and he wanted me to move out (we lived in his place). I was stunned and completley devastated by this. I had to stay for a couple of weeks until I got myself sorted out, eventually went back to my parents.

 

It has been the hardest 12 weeks of my life. I moved into my own place last Monday which put the final nail in the coffin of my relationship!

 

At first we spoke everyday and we saw each other, but gradually that reduced to contact about once a week which he initiates. He wants us to be friends but I am not sure this is possible for me.

 

Neither of us are with other people and he is telling our mutual friends that he still loves me and doesn't want anybody else, but that the relationhip became too difficult (a long story but things changed when we moved in together just after I had a miscarriage).

 

I wonder if the mid-thirties are a difficult time in a man's life? The last of our single friends got married last year and within a couple of days he left me...

 

You will be OK, I know it doesn't feel like it but you will.

 

Keep posting Katie xxx

[kate111]

Thank you all so much for your support and insights. They have helped hugely.

 

What shocks me is how he can cut me off with such razorsharp precision. Is he going to miss me at all?

 

It seems the consensus is to move out. Argh, flatmates again. So hard.

 

My friend says men often do this cutting off compartmentalising thing and that it helps them not feel anything and that this kind of man feels less than women. Is this true? Is there a man who reacts like this on enotalone? Can you tell me what he is feeling? I can handle the truth.

[never-too-late]

Hello Kate!

 

I am so sorry what you are going through!! I am going through exactly the same thing! We had our 3 year anniversary on Wednesday when my boyfriend told me he wants to be less involved with me.

 

I have been crying so much every night. I have not been able to do anything. I keep thinking what is going on. And it was also really unexpected! He told me 2 weeks ago that he wants us to move closer to each other, we are in a long-distance, and 3 days ago he told me that he wants less involvement.

 

I know there is someone else! Even if I asked him 2 or 3 times, he says there isn't. But I am pretty sure there is because why would he suddenly tell me he needs a distance from me.

 

I think it's pretty harsh from your boyfriend to give you no explanation. But if he told you that it needs to be done asap, it shows that he does not really consider your feelings and he is being extremely selfish. I would not contact him, just move our and stay away from him.

 

I hope you will be strong enough to do this.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Kate111,

 

Why do you have to have flat mates? Is it just the cost of living?

 

x

[Firedancer03]

Hi Kate,

 

I am so sorry about what you are going through right now. believe me, I know the shock and confusion of a "bombshell breakup". My ex also gave me no explanation or attempts to work it out or even hinted at wanting to break up after almost a 2-year relationship. In fact, just days before he ended it he told me how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to see me (he had gone back down to school before me). I wish I had the answers and could tell you what he's thinking or if he'll miss you. The truth is, 5 months after my breakup I still have no idea why my ex did this or why he did.

 

The one thing I can tell you is that it does get better, with time. Being left hanging like this is one of the most painful and hurtful ways to be dumped. You're just left with so many questions. I have found that I am fighting the feelings of resentment. I tried being friends with him for 3 months after our breakup, and it was not a good idea. Once I implemented NC (2 months now as of yesterday!) I have done so much more healing and moving on than I had in those first 3 months. Since I didnt get any closure from him (only a "I dont know what I'm going to want in the future", blah, blah, blah), I had to get the closure from myself. I know that had he let me know his feelings and tried to work things out but couldn't, it would have been much easier knowing that we tried but we just weren't right for each other. Since I never got that kind of closure, I had to come to terms with everything all by myself. Although its been a struggle, I think that its made me a much stronger and wiser person. Even though I'm healing, I still deal with it every day. But I am grateful for this opportunity-in-disguise to learn so much more about myself and about life.

 

So even though I don't have any answers for you, I suggest that you go into NC as soon as possible and move out of the apartment if you can. Its going to be really tough for awhile, and even tougher to get that inner closure. Let yourself feel the pain and the hurt. Cry if you need to, it really does help. But I can guarentee that once you get through all of this, you will be a better and stronger person because of it. *Hugs*

[kate111]

Thank you all so much for your kind advice.

 

I went back to the apartment to collect some stuff and it suddely occurred to me that I'm sure that my ex cheated on me a couple of days before the split and then called it off rather than telling me. Probably because he thinks he is sparing me hurt. He probably figured he wanted out anyway so there was no point telling me.

 

I found evidence that he is already trying to hook up with some random girl.

 

Should I email him and let him know that I know or just leave it.

[RayKay]

Thank you all so much for your kind advice.

 

I went back to the apartment to collect some stuff and it suddely occurred to me that I'm sure that my ex cheated on me a couple of days before the split and then called it off rather than telling me. Probably because he thinks he is sparing me hurt. He probably figured he wanted out anyway so there was no point telling me.

 

I found evidence that he is already trying to hook up with some random girl.

 

Should I email him and let him know that I know or just leave it.

 

Hi Kate;

 

This would certainly explain the suddenness of it; and why I had questioned the ASAP'ness of it all.

 

Usually it does indicate there is someone else; or at least that potential to be.

 

I would just leave it; hold your head high and show him that you won't even succumb to lowering to that standard.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If he was cowardly enough to blow off 3 years together for a fling (or to pursue someone else), then i doubt talking to him would really help... it is very true that lots of people, even if not quite happy with a relationship, will look around for someone else and not actually leave until they feel they have someone else to go to... totally unfair to you, but there are lots of cowardly people who are not honorable nor willing to work on any difference to try to make a relationship work, just hop onto the next person and are gone...

 

so unless you feel a compelling need to talk to him again for a sense of closure, he most likely wouldn't tell you the truth anyway... i'd just try to do whatever is necessary for your own healing, and move on. if he truly realizes he made a mistake, he can always call you, but you have to decide whether you would even take him back if you think he was cheating...

 

best of luck, it is hard, but it is better now than after marriage and then all the mess a divorce brings..

[kate111]

Thank you BeStrongBeHappy.

 

I'm starting to wonder whether doing no contact and withholding my anger is healthy for mental health.

 

Wouldn't it be better to call him and blow up at him about all I am angry about and then withdraw?

 

Surely all this repression and bottling up is going to make things harder.

[kate111]

Help!

 

I can't deal with this. I have an inability to make any decision.

 

Tell me it will be ok and I will get over it.

 

When I think of my ex it really really hurts.

 

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ellie2006]

Kate, are you okay?

What's going on?

[kate111]

I just feel so incredibly sad and confused.

 

It's really hard to deal with the fact that he doesn't care and can just leave me after 3 years.

 

He's done this cutting off completely thing before. Do you think it will ever catch up with him?

 

Is there some way I can move this thread into the healing section?