Ok, How about some help with this one.

[Robert Smith]

Has anyone out there ever had the experience where the person who they were having an affair with ended positively? I am talking about a man or women who, because of a bad, or incompatible relationship with there current spouse, ended up in a mutually satisfying relationship with their lover?

 

Now remember the divorce rate in this country is 50%, so please don't feel I am asking somthing way off base. I need to find out if this is possible or just some fantasy.

[Day_Walker]

I am sure that it happens but I personally have only seen a few instances of this taking place. Typically with having an affair, like most relationships the two people are not on the same wavelength. They are looking for two different things.

[Iceman26]

Hey Robert. A fan of The Cure?

 

A relative of mine's wife cheated on him and then married the guy she was having the affair with. As far as I know, she is still married so I guess it worked out for her.

[Robert Smith]

Are you saying that each "person" in the affair is looking for something totally different and that their coming together is just chance or??? What do you think about some one having an affair that is sub consciencely trying to get caught? Does that make any sense to anybody?

[Iceman26]

What do you think about some one having an affair that is sub consciencely trying to get caught? Does that make any sense to anybody?

 

It doesn't make sense to me, but if I were to take a guess I would say that if the person were trying to get caught they were either trying to get out of the marriage, or they were seeking revenge against their partner.

 

I am sure there would be other reasons, but those are the two that immediately come to my mind.

[Robert Smith]

Fan of the Cure, you could say that.

 

 

Ok, I agree with that assumption. I don't think its revenge, but it could be a way to get out of the marriage without making the decesion. How can you fall in love with someone without realizing it's happening?

[DizzyDoris]

I had an affair, although i was single at the time, he was the one living with his partner (both of us were in the wrong, i know that)

 

I got attatched and developed feelings for him, it soon transpired though he wasnt going to give up his homelife, and was heading nowhere, the guilt got too much for us and we knocked it on the head.

 

I was the one left feeling sad,lonely and used at the end of it, he however is now apparently happier than ever with his girlfriend and our fling made him realise how much he "loves" his girlfriend and wants to be with her. She of course, knows nothing about what went on.

 

Not exactly the response you was originally after lol but i suppose for one person the affair had a positive outcome?!

 

Also, my wonderful boyfriend i am with now....his exwife had an affair and is still with the guy and they are planning their wedding. So some affairs work out i guess.

[Robert Smith]

Yes I am. Both of us tried to end it but the feelings, as you know are very powerfull. She says she loves me so much that she can't be with me part time it has to be all or nothing. Is this how most women feel? What about the physical side of the relationship. I was not getting what I needed at home and my spouse didn't seem that interested in meeting that need. Now, that's no excuse, but all humans like the feel and touch of another person. I went out with this women for 6 months before we got physical. First becuase I knew it was wrong, and against my spirtual nature (Think GOD and Jesus Christ) and not fair to my wife. The hardest thing to figure out is why it happened.

[Robert Smith]

I want to thank everyone here who posts a reply because it is very helpfull. I can't seem to see the forest through the trees at this time. I need to talk to people who have been through it.

[Robert Smith]

Two questions for you. First how did you let go emotionally and how long did it take and if you see him are the feelings back again?

 

Second. Why did he have an affair with you in the first place?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I don't know, but The Cure is awesome so, nice name.

[Robert Smith]

Yes I know what you mean about the passion. I didn't realize I was falling in love until much later (many months) She says that she is so in love with me, (unlike my wife) that I have to make a decesion to be with her or not. She says if I stay at home she can no longer see me beacuse it breaks her heart that we cannot be together all the time. I am struggling every day trying to make the right decesion. I have 2 kids also, but there teenage girls and they don't talk to me anyway. I would like to experience love with this women but I don't know what to do. Am I just in fantasy land or is it true love. Now I know that at this point we don't have the bills, frustration of kids, (she has 2 a girl 9 and a son 13) or other issues to challenge us, but I want so badly to find out what it is about the 2 of us that makes it so stong. How long does it take to fall out of love? And if the feeling is still there 6 months later what do you do? I never wanted this to happen but now that it has my heart wants it. Do I follow my heart or my logic?

[Robert Smith]

If I am from New York what? So Do you follow your heart or your head. Do you take a risk and see what its about, or just rack it up to life experience and move on?

[Robert Smith]

Thank you. How come it happened twice? I am head over heals for this women and would like to feel that. I know it might not work out, but I am almost willing to take that chance. This is tuff.

[Robert Smith]

Easy to say, tuff to do. I am so pulled. I feel this happened because I wanted out of my marrige. Anyone ever feel the same? I feel that I am going crazy. From one minute to the next my mind drifts to her and back. This is truly a test of my will. I am scared of making the wrong decesion. And so I pray to he Lord.

[little red]

I've only just read through this thread and it has really scared me to see how similar your situation is to mine. An affair which began when unhappiness in my marriage and communication problems coincided with a growing connection and love that developed with a friend, someone meeting the emotional needs that weren't being met by my husband.

 

Before you know it, something that you couldn't foresee happens and you are head over heels and in too deep. I too am a Christian and completely understand the spiritual thoughts and feelings that go alongside the fact that your head and heart are torn and leading you in two separate directions.

 

I can only speak for myself and I know that when people told me what to do I hated it because I didn't get told what I wanted to hear and also I didn't genuinely think it was possible to do what they were saying. I kept trying and failing.

 

I've been on a journey, as I'm sure you will too before you reach an ending, but I can thank God now because I believe I have finally reached the end of the confusion that my bad choices have caused. Somehow, I have found the strength I needed to do the right thing; end the affair, stay in my marriage, focus on my kids and free him to do the same. I really understand the "all or nothing" comments that you were talking about and my decision was to give all to my husband and nothing to the other man. And that has not been easy - just ask my friends and some people on this forum! - but I have to believe I have achieved it this time.

 

And, if it's an encouragement to you, my relationship with my husband is improving every day now, and I hope that we will go on to have a very happy life together.

 

Feel free to pm me if you would like to talk more but from my experience, my advice would be to follow your head and keep moving forward, one step at a time and don't be disheartened if you're not ready now, you'll get there.

 

LR

[Robert Smith]

LR,

 

Thank you so much for your insight. Yes I know what you mean about looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear. I even look at the articles that say that people who left there current spouce and are now happier then they were before. The other thing I ask myself is; with the 50% divorce rate am I just one of thoes statistics? Are we just incompatible as a couple? It's just very difficult to see. Is your husband able to communicate with you? Can you both sit down and talk without hurt and anger getting in the way? Does he satisfy you emotionally? How important was the sex element with your affair partner? Did you find you affair partner, more attractive? My affair partner seems to want to give me anything I want, of course she is fighting for me in her own way. I am on my knees every day asking for direction. How did you not talk to your affair partner? Did you quit cold turkey?

 

I know I love my affair partner. I also know that I cannot have (2) women in my life. I also know that my wife carries so much hurt from the past, (She does not know about the affair) and is unable or is having a hard time healing. These hurts go back as far as our original dating and breakup 25 years ago. I need to get deep into the discussions with her but I am having a hard time. I would even go so far as making the affair partner platonic (no sex) if that is possible. Did you think about that? Did you ever consider leaving your husband before the affair happened? Unresolved issues between you and him, or just a dissatisfaction with how the relationship was working? How can one fall in love and then just say ok, this is wrong need to move on?

I guesss time heals all wounds, except for the case of my wife. Please respond to the questions in this messge if you can. Mabye that will help me.

 

Thanks you and God bless.

[Robert Smith]

LR,

 

A couple more questions/observations. We don't fall in love every day. Because we are married we, didn't/don't look for it. When it happens I have to ask myself why. Why did I fall in love with this person? What was I missing in my marriage, and can I get it from my spouse. And the real tuff question is do I want to? And if I don't, why not? In my case, did I really want to be free and this happened because of it? How did you feel about this? What made you want to work it out? Did you rely on the holy spirt to guide you? Did you ever think you could be happier with someone else besides your current husband? (The affair asside) I know I have. Women tend to be more emotional, ,(sorry not sterotyping) and men more logical. How did your affair partner take it? Was it easier for him to walk away? I am looking for as much info as you are willing to share.

 

Thanks ...

[Robert Smith]

Yes I am going through therapy right now. My therapist told me to wait at least another 3 months before I make any decesions. (I have been in Therapy for (2) months.) The question for me is why don't I want to try with my wife, do I think that she will never change and I will never get what I need or ??? Am I selfish as a person to want this other women. You want to hear a somthing strange? She told me before we got physical that she had an STD. I did allot of reseach before I moved forward with the physical side but I cannot understand why I continued. (By the way I have not slept with my wife since I have slept with her and won't until I get tested) Any other man would have walked away, but I was to emotionally involved at that point. I must be nuts.

[little red]

Just a quick reply to say that I will endeavour to answer as many of your questions in as much detail as I can, as soon as I have the time and opportunity to write properly. Sorry it can't be now ...

 

Hang in there, thinking of you.

 

LR

[Robert Smith]

Excuse the spelling - not spellchecker.

 

I know exactly how you feel. This is way beyond what I wanted and it is making my life difficult.. How do you stand not being with the women you love? We have a history of fighting and arguing, even when we were dating. I am very social and like to go and she is more of a stay at home type. (She mentioned in therphy that she never trusted me althoough I never did anything) We had 12 years of finanical problems so we never focused on the relationship. I didn't realize that I needed affection, appreciation, some level of approval as a husband and father, more effective communication, sex more often, plus a few other things. This is not saying she is bad, just what I did not get from her. That is when the other women came into the picture. She was very affectionate towards me, gave me a very warm feeling, and liked sex allot. Now don't think that was the driver because it was not. My wife also believed since day one that I was 80% responsible for all of our marriage problems. She can be critical and contemputus. I don't know if I just did not see it or what. Now I am far from perfect but I "think and feel" I need a different kind of relationship. What the hell is going on with me?

 

How did you find out what you needed in your life? And what was the affair partner providing that you were not getting at home? Everything I read says stay together, buts that's not how I feel and I am "stuck" unable to make a decesion. Maybe this other women will never work out, but I still think I need somthing different. I don't believe my wife will ever change without extensive therphy and she does not think she needs it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you are tangling the idea in your own mind that it is your wife vs. the other woman, i.e., which door should you choose? but life has a million opportunities and paths, and is never an either/or situation, tho sometimes we think it is that way.

 

but really, when it comes to affairs, your therapist is correct, you need to stop looking at the two women and look inside yourself to discover what in life truly has value for you, where your meaning is, where your loyalties lie, who you are, exclusive of either of these women.... so it becomes about YOU, not about them, that is where your answer lies.

 

there are a million statistics out there about marriage and its success/failure, and books that push staying married no matter what the circumstances due to religion or conservatism or whatever... and yes, there is a good chance your SECOND marriage will fail to this other woman, in fact, second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages, only 40% or less survive due to stepfamily issues etc., and relationships borne of affairs fall apart at even higher rate, because of the guilt, lack of trust, heavy baggage one carries into that new situation.

 

so put aside all the statistics, etc. and take a good look at yourself to decide how you want to live your life.... and since your marriage is a current involvement that has financial and legal and emotional obligations to children, you need to sit down and decide if your marriage is worth saving, regardless of the other woman... would you stay if there was no other woman? would you be more fulfilled (both you and your wife) if you broke up because you are stifling one another and not enjoying one another? what would it mean to stay in this marriage if it never changed, just stayed as is? could you do that? and would it be worth saving if your wife agreed to counseling and things did improve, or is it too late?

 

so AFTER you decide the merit of your marriage, whether it can stand on its own or not, THEN you can start thinking whether this other woman is a long term prospect, if you decide to end your marriage... it isn't about one woman or the other, it is about how you really want to live your life and where your values are... figure that out, then the decisions about what to do with the marriage and the other woman will become clearer.

[Batya33]

Apples and oranges to me. You have real feelings for this other woman but you never lived with her day to day and of course there can be no real trust between you since you both know that if the two of you were to grow apart, both of you are OK with being unfaithful.

 

I know of one relationship where it worked out in the sense that they married after he divorced his wife - they were married for a bit less than ten years before he passed away.

 

It did not work out for the children. They suffered terribly from the divorce and the affair.

[Robert Smith]

Filled you soul. Now that is a tough thing to loose. I commend you on your efforts and pray that this is the right decesion.