Boyfriend totally ruined proposal

[Neworleanslady]

Thank you. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[RayKay]

Alright, I don't mean to seem harsh about this or anything....but is a "surprise" really the most important thing to you?

 

For me, it is the marriage that is the most important part of any proposal, the commitment and what comes AFTER the proposal and wedding. The fact that he is showing you he is ready to spend his life with you is what should matter; not that it was not a total surprise.

 

I am really concerned that you are more focused on the proposal than on the relationship, marriage or symbol. Maybe this is just a bad reading of things, but that is the impression it gives off initially.

 

 

Did you call of the engagement because you were NOT surprised? I am a bit confused about that part? Is that not something you "ruined" rather than him if so?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

new...I'm not sure why you and your bf broke your engagement. Was it because of the surprise element?

 

If it is, you really need to let go of how things are "suppose" to look...you've got someone you love..who loves you back and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.. isn't that enough?

[melrich]

I have to agree with RayKay. Where does this fact that you wanted to be surprised sit in relation to marrying the person you want to be with for the rest of your life?

 

Me thinks you need to revisit your priorities.

[Corridor Fog]

Unfortunately life never goes according to plan. No matter how special you want something to be or expect it to be, it usually never turns out that way. Take your first time for instance, 99.9% of the time it's completely opposite of what you expected or hoped for. Yet, you move on and it's still alright and life goes on. I believe you need to ask yourself a few questions. First, if he had completely surprised you with the perfect proposal would you have said yes unequivocally? Second, if he had butchered (but still went through with) the proposal, would you have said yes unequivocally? Your answers to those questions should give you an idea of your true feelings. It shouldn't matter how bad he butchers the proposal if you truly love and want to spend the rest of your life with him. Now if he told you he was going to propose, but didn't actually propose... that is another story completely!

[Hope75]

Hi NOL,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

I have to agree with RayKay on this one.

 

What is honestly more important- a surprise engagement or a great, loving, respectful guy who just asked you to marry him?

 

To me, I'd be thrilled if my bf asked me the question at all- I just want to be married to him.... I don't care how we get there.

 

I think you are being selfish and totally missing the point. He asked you to marry him- does it really matter matter how it happened?

[Day_Walker]

I think that you are focusing on the wrong thing. You are getting into the details when you should be excited about getting married.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I just feel he really ruined something I was waiting for my whole life.

Shouldn't you have been waiting for him and not just a question?

He asked you to marry him! That's what matters, not how it happened, he wants to marry you and spend his life with you. Seeing it as being some silly little scene that didn't goes as you wanted it to is so nearsighted, look at the big picture here, this guy loves you.

 

I mean I am 29 and have waited long enough.

Is he really the guy you want to grow old with or just the guy that will put a ring on your finger?

[caro33]

How long ago was the botched proposal conversation Neworleanslady?

 

How long were you engaged and how did he respond to you calling off the engagement - if I understand correctly you said yes initially then called it off because the fact the surprise was ruined stuck with you and you were upset?

[Dako]

If you enter into marriage expecting every reality to match your fantasy, you might miss out on some good things. Marriage is a big deal that often contains plenty of surprises.

 

Don't overlook what you two have together. It's hard to find, and needs to be nurtured.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

wow, this surprises ME!! i haven't ever heard of someone breaking off an engagement because they weren't surprised enough by a proposal! really, how could he ever read your mind to begin with to know that this 'surprise' was so important to you??

 

life is full of many, many disappointments and many fantasies that don't come true, but a lifetime of happiness with a great person you love is far, far more important than 5 minutes out of your life when you get proposed to... i don't mean to be cruel, but you should grow up here and not be so unrealistic about throwing your life away because some fantasy proposal didn't happen the way you planned it in your own head...

 

please suck it up and make up with him if you love him... or decide whether you can deal with a worse surprise: he might dump you if he thinks you are so shallow as to break an engagement because of something like this... it could destroy his trust in you, and make him wonder, am i going to get this kind of big deal upset every time something i do disappoints her?

 

it is very stressful for most men to propose because they are worried about your acceptance... you really aren't considering his feelings here, just acting like is was supposed to be YOUR big moment, not a shared moment and the beginning of a life together...

 

sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but you really need to get real here, or you might lose him entirely...

[Batya33]

Honestly, if you read what she says it is clear from the first sentence that the surprise storybook/hollywood proposal is "all she ever wanted." That is her top priority, end of story. I bet she even told him how important that was to her. She is the classic example of "plans for the wedding but not for the marriage." I don't think she should be encouraged to get married because she is not ready to accept that things don't always go as planned - I cannot believe the perfect surprise proposal is the only thing she expects to go exactly as planned or she will break into itty bitty pieces. And, if it is the only thing, then she should move on until she finds a man who wouldn't dare screw up the only thing she ever wanted.

 

That you or I might want a happy marriage, to be with a special person, to have a life long commitment - is really irrelevant because those things are simply not as important to her as having the memory of her proposal. Why judge her for stating what she wants?

[Neworleanslady]

I want to say thank you for all who gave criticisms that were constructive and not hurtful. I think each of us may have felt something we know is irrational. But that is just it, feelings are not rational. A few of you said some stuff that I really needed to hear. I was just caught up in my feelings as humans tend to do. I reached out for advice because I knew I needed to hear another perspective. So for all of you have were kind and honest, Thank you very much because it helped. I didn't need judgment passed, just an unbiased view.

[Batya33]

I want to say thank you for all who gave criticisms that were constructive and not hurtful. I think each of us may have felt something we know is irrational. But that is just it, feelings are not rational. A few of you said some stuff that I really needed to hear. I was just caught up in my feelings as humans tend to do. I reached out for advice because I knew I needed to hear another perspective. So for all of you have were kind and honest, Thank you very much because it helped. I didn't need judgment passed, just an unbiased view.

 

Feelings are typically not rational - how you react is the key. I don't think anyone would have commented in this way if all you said was that you secretly felt disappointed if you hadn't reacted by wanting to cancel the engagement. And, in a relationship, of course you get caught up in feelings but since there is another person involved, it's up to you to choose how your behavior is going to reflect your feelings so you don't unnecessarily hurt someone.