How/when to break NC if you think your ex might have second thoughts?

[TonyMar75]

Hey, all. I need advice from the folks on here about how and when to break NC if you think your ex might be receptive to it.

 

My ex dumped me almost a month ago. She said she didn't think it could work because of compatibility issues and she didn't think I was ready to give everything that's required to be a good partner -- she used the word "selfish." Ouch. I can look back and see that, in fact, I was taking her for granted, and I was selfish with my time. Man, that hindsight, huh?

 

I really am in love with this woman -- not just the thought of being with her, but with HER. I want a second chance.

 

It's been three weeks of pretty strong NC, but it can only be LC because we work together. I haven't called her, texted or emailed. I have asked her how she's doing a few times at the office, but that's it. She hasn't contacted me, either, but remember, we see each other five days a week.

 

In staff meetings in the past couple of weeks, our eyes have met and they linger there. I swear I see something in her gazes that wouldn't be there if she wasn't having second thoughts. I try to convey a strong, playful, healed person in those looks. No sad eyes, no moon eyes, no puppy dog eyes. Just a smile and little flirtiness to let her know I still care. And I really try hard not to initiate them.

 

But often I can feel her looking at me, and I look over, and our eyes lock. I just feel like these are not the looks of someone who is trying not to lead their dumpee on and get their hopes up.

 

I'll cut to the chase -- I feel in my heart the need to send her one last note, something to let her know that I still care and my feelings haven't changed. I know, I know, the school of thought that if she wants to be with me, she'll approach me and make it happen. But one of the reasons she broke up with me was because she didn't think I even wanted to be in the relationship. I did what many of us dumpees do -- I told her I could change and improve the things that needed to be improved, but she said she felt like she made right decision. Those words have been ringing in my ears and have made it a little easier to do NC and try to let go. But she also said she thought I was just panicking at the thought of being alone and would say anything at that point.

 

THAT is a huge argument for NC! You need to SHOW the person you've changed. Hey, I've learned something here, guys!

 

And that's what I've done for three weeks. I've given her space and worked on ME. But I need this one last piece of closure. I was thinking of sending a note with just a few words telling her my feelings haven't changed. If I don't get a response or am rejected, that will be it for me. I will be able to move on. But her eyes have put much doubt in me.

 

Advice, please? Some will say don't ever initiate contact, but I have a nagging feeling she's waiting for me to make a move.

 

Thanks to all for reading and any thoughts you might have...

[trident]

Do what you think is right. There are no rules in all this stupidity.

[disgruntledbaker]

now just isn't the time.

 

you may be right, she may be having second thoughts and she truly considers being back with you... but look at your post. the only evidence you have is glances with eyes locking.

 

thats not enough, friend. and just the fact that you think it is enough tells me that you're not ready. you have to be completely beyond her in your mind in order to have any chance of starting new and fresh.

 

otherwise, you're just continuing exactly what was, and lets face it. what it was was a failure. don't set yourself up for more failure. give it more time. you're handling it really well. hang in there.

[TonyMar75]

Hey, Baker. You inspired me with a post a while back and you just did again. But of course you look at Trident's thoughts and AHHHH....

 

Thank you both for your kindness in reading my long post and taking the time to reply. I'll keep you posted!

 

now just isn't the time.

 

you may be right, she may be having second thoughts and she truly considers being back with you... but look at your post. the only evidence you have is glances with eyes locking.

 

thats not enough, friend. and just the fact that you think it is enough tells me that you're not ready. you have to be completely beyond her in your mind in order to have any chance of starting new and fresh.

 

otherwise, you're just continuing exactly what was, and lets face it. what it was was a failure. don't set yourself up for more failure. give it more time. you're handling it really well. hang in there.

[trident]

Yea. I'll admit it's not helpful advice.

 

I'll agree with everyone that you have to get past the point where you're prone to illogical behavior. Just because two people "lock eyes" doesn't mean much. One of the two could be thinking "there's that jerk."

 

Once the hurt has mellowed, and you can think rationally, then you can try to do what you think is right.

 

There are plenty of reasons people break-up. Just not interested, wrong time, infidelity, abuse, money, etc. Infinite variations on what caused the breakup leads to infinite variations on reconciliation with respect to if and how it can happen. There is no answer anyone can give you and there are no "rules" that say if person A does this, then person B should do this. It all depends.

 

I will note, in my meaningless opinion, that you also need to be cautious of taking the continuous mantra of NC & "forget and move on" too far. At some point, it'll make you reach a point where you'll ignore even subtle overtures for reconciliation - you just won't care. In that case, you may be more likely to walk away from a possibility than to give it a chance.

 

Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it isn't. It really depends on your situation.

[SuperDave71]

Tony,

 

Base your decisions on WHAT YOU KNOW...rather than what you assume.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[majord23]

Tony,

 

Base your decisions on WHAT YOU KNOW...rather than what you assume.

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Beautifully put.

 

Tony, yes she might be waiting for you to make a move...but not because she wants to reconcile.

She might see that you are hanging in there with NC and are proving to be strong and 'unaffected' by her. This may make you a bit of enigma to her and she might be wondering if she could have you *if* she wanted you.

 

If you make a move, it may give her the answer she wants...and then she will continue on her merry way - by herself.

 

You may think that this is a cynical view - maybe so, but also based on realism. If she wants you back, she will do more than make eyes at you in a meeting - trust me on this one mate.

[northwoods]

While you're waiting for her to come to you, she's waiting for you to come to her.

 

There is no "right or wrong" - do what you feel in your heart. If you learned from your mistakes and want to make it work, go for it and give it your all.

[spikespiegel]

While you're waiting for her to come to you, she's waiting for you to come to her.

 

There is no "right or wrong" - do what you feel in your heart. If you learned from your mistakes and want to make it work, go for it and give it your all.

 

See, this is what I think when I see everyone preaching no contact around here. I realize from personal experience that it is GREAT for healing, but maybe not in every situation, like where at least one party would like to reconcile, and nothing MAJOR was done to instigate the breakup.

 

Maybe I have more sympathy for TonyMar75 because his situation sounds eerily like mine. I neglected my girlfriend for about 2 months at the end of our relationship of over a year, just as he did. I'm sure your ex has said the same things to you as mine has said to me Tony, like you weren't making an effort, she wasn't sure you even wanted to be with her, etc, all because of taking her for granted. But neither party ever cheated or abused the other, no major issues. In cases like my own and Tony's, I can't help but wonder if maybe the ex is waiting for someone like you or I to SHOW those things, and have a little persistence. And what if you just continue with NC? You'll both be waiting, and nothing will happen...

 

I'll be the first to admit that hope fuels a lot of those thoughts, but I feel there is some truth in there as well.

[TonyMar75]

To all, especially Dave, thank you. This forum truly is amazing. Sure, advice can conflict, but that's the beauty of it. Trident, I wasn't trying to imply your one-line post wasn't helpful. It was. But your elaboration in the second post was incredible.

 

In the end, I know my answer lies in a combination of all the advice you folks have given, and of my own knowledge and feelings about the situation.

 

I know I will make that one last move. Not today and not tomorrow, but eventually. I'm not healed enough yet, I know. Dave, that scab analogy was very compelling. Gross, but compelling.

 

Thanks again, everyone.

[evening_light]

I was thinking of sending a note with just a few words telling her my feelings haven't changed. If I don't get a response or am rejected, that will be it for me. I will be able to move on.

 

Then you said this...

 

I'm not healed enough yet, I know.

 

What if she doesn't answer?.....or she responds that's it's really over?

 

I don't think you need more turmoil right now....

[majord23]

If nothing major has contributed to the break-up, then the dumper will make their intentions clear in terms of reconciliation. Anything else is mental masturbation.

 

The dumpee (and I have been there a few times ) will attempt to justify their exes (perceived) half-hearted attempts at 're-connecting' by saying "But my ex is too proud, they won't make the first move" etc etc. to justify breaking NC. That, in a nutshell, is a load of cr*p. Again - if nothing major has contributed to the break-up and the dumper wants a second chance...they WILL let you know.

 

In this thread, there are accounts of people who "neglected" their ex. Well, surely that if that was the *only* reason that someone was dumped then a promise of rectifying the problem would surely be enough to secure a second chance?

It doesn't work that way - "neglect" might be a reason that a dumper gives for ending the relationship - and while it it is a valid reason, it may not be the only reason. The dumper either has checked-out of the relationship long before ending it (thus making even the promise of rectifying it invalid) OR it wasn't the only reason.

 

I'm not saying that I don't think that you're in with a shot here Tony - I just think to jump at this chance is akin to shooting yourself in the foot when it is unnecessary to do so. I would be waiting for something more concrete than eye contact before putting myself at risk, that much is for sure.

 

Follow your heart or your head...ultimately it is your choice. Weigh it up though bro - putting yourself on the line for a *hunch* or giving yourself some time to heal and examine just why you weren't attentive to wards your ex when you were with her.

 

We make great proclamations of change on the board - but is the fact that you weren't the best boyfriend a problem with *you*?...or is it a problem that existed between the *both* of you?

 

How do you know past behaviours won't repeat themselves?

"I realised what I lost when she left me" is not enough.

What have you learnt about what made you neglect her?

 

How do you know that the reason you were neglecting her wasn't because she wasn't the one for you?

 

Don't give me feelings here - give me facts. Feelings are heightened after a break-up...wanting what we can't have, fear of being alone etc etc. They cloud our judgement and sometimes disguise the real issues and also 'rose taint' the relationship. Take some timeout and think before you act is all I'm saying.

[TonyMar75]

Then you said this...

 

 

 

What if she doesn't answer?.....or she responds that's it's really over?

 

I don't think you need more turmoil right now....

 

You're right, Light, thanks. I did plan on waiting a while. Just wanted some advice on how long I should wait and what I should say once I do send the card. It's been three weeks of NC.

 

Thanks again.

[TonyMar75]

Major and Spike and the rest, thank you. You all make good points. It really is tough to get out of the mindset that I’m risking losing her forever if I don’t make it clear I still want a shot, but I guess in the end I really do need something more from her besides the looks we’re sharing. As I mentioned, she hasn’t called me, texted me or emailed me or asked anything about my life except the couple times I asked her how things were going (probably a NC violation, but when you see the person everyday it’s hard not come up with some polite conversation when you cross paths). I keep those exchanges very brief and I smile the whole time.

 

I just wonder if she really does want to reconcile but that it’s easier for her not to contact me because we see each other every day. (To all who don’t know, I see my ex five days a week at the office and we have to confer on work stuff). Honestly, we’re at a stage where it’s not so uncomfortable at work anymore. We’re able to look into each others’ eyes, as I mentioned, whereas at first it was just too painful for both of us to look each other's way. It’s still weird and uncertain, but not tortuous like it was for me three weeks ago.

 

I’m just going to be happy for now with the fact that I feel better today than I did three weeks ago and look forward to the healing that will come in the next three weeks.

 

Thanks again, everyone.