You have never heard a story like this.....

[Enitsirk]

I need some help here.......

 

 

I am 6 months pregnant and my husband has filed for a divorce. Here is how the story begins...

 

I met Dave in 2002. Things I thought were wonderful with us. We were in love. Every once in awhile we would have a communication issue, but we always worked them out. In Feb 2006 we got married. Dave and I decided that we wanted a baby together. Unfortunately that wasn't possible because my tubes were tied. So, we checked into a tubal reversal procedure. I found a specialist in Atlanta, so In May of 2006 we flew out there to have my tubes untied. We conceived in the latter part of July. Things were going well, I thought I was happily married but then a bomb was dropped on me. Over Christmas my husband told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and that he wanted a divorce. He said it wasn't open for discussion and that he would NEVER change his mind. He told me he had fallen out of love with me years ago, but just couldn't bare to tell me. He said he regretted our marriage and my pregnancy. He actually suggested that I give my baby up for adoption. He has already filed for a divorce. I am in a state of shock and I don't know where to turn for help. There was no fight or anything that brought this on, it seemed to of appeared out of nowhere. He told me it had been building for years. Can anyone help?

[BornToResist]

Oh my gosh, that's awful that this is happening to you.

 

Welcome to enotalone, by the way, I really hope you get some good help here.

 

I don't really know what to say...you're obviously heartbroken by something a immature, selfish guy pulled on you. But don't worry honey, the world isn't going to end (even if you think you may want it to...).

 

Do you have any children at the moment? How are your feelings about giving the child up for adoption? What age range are you?

 

Are you attached to your baby?

 

Right now I'm in my 9th month of pregnancy and I'm flying solo...the guy I was with played awful mind games with me too and pressured me to have abortions even after that time frame was closed, give the baby up for adoption, threaten custody, everything under the sun. And you know what? I'm still standing strong.

 

It's awful what someone will do to another person, especially since your ex/husband/whatever he is at this point says he knew he felt this way long ago. That is so unbelievably selfish and flat out mean...

 

I hope you stick around...and are you willing to take this task on by yourself...?

[chigal28]

Enitsirk, I am SO SORRY--you must be feeling so confused and hurt right now. *HUG*

 

I know this might not be exactly what you want to hear, but especially since your husband seems to have made up his mind pretty firmly, at least at the moment, I think what you need to focus on is YOU, and your unborn child. Do you want to keep this baby? Do you feel like you're in a place financially where you could raise this baby on your own?

 

You've already made a good decision for yourself by posting on ENotAlone...there are a LOT of thoughtful, caring people on these boards, and I know you'll get very caring, thoughtful advice.

 

And now PLEASE do something good for yourself--do you have a good friend or family member you could go stay with right now?

[Day_Walker]

I dont believe there is much you can do to salvage the relationship. As long as he is not willing to work on the relationship then you cannot do anything. You should prepare yourself for the upcoming birth of your child and I would consult an attorney or atleast get legal advice about your child support options and spousal support.

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome to Enotalone.

 

Oh Gosh, Honey, I am so very sorry. What an awful thing to happen. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

 

I imagine the worst of it is that with this announcement, your husband just shut down with hardly an explanation and no room for talking about it. Where is he now? Has he moved out? Is he talking to you at all?

 

My hope is that you have friends and family that you can lean on during this very difficult time. I would also contact a lawyer about custody, and child support. There is chance after the baby is born that your husband may wish to see him or her.

 

BornToResist is a good person to talk to about how to get through a pregnancy with the support of family and friends. She has been an icon of strength during her pregnancy and I know she can give you alot of good advice on how to cope.

 

We are here for you.

 

((HUGS))

[MollyElise]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. All I can say is, know that you will get through this successfully. How deceitful and low of him, it's hard enough when someone just sticks around b/c they are afraid to leave, but to progress the relationship so much in the past two years when he knew he was falling out of love with you?

 

I hope he doesn't want rights to y'alls child, I would not want someone who can be so dishonest as a role model for my child.

 

Good luck hun, {{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}

[Vynde]

Hello my friend,

 

Welcome to ENA.. Im so sorry to hear of what has happened. The pain you must be in I cant even imagine.

 

I think you should make it a point right now to find somone who you trust, ie. Family, friends - who will be able to support you and help you deal with the emotions your feeling, not to mention any legal issues you might need to think about..

 

For now, make sure you take care of yourself.. Keep posting here. The support you will find will blow your mind. Lots and lots of very caring people are here..

 

Hang in.

 

John

[Enitsirk]

Thank you so much for all your support. No, giving up my baby is not an option for me. I already have 2 sons ages 15 and 10. I just found out that I am having another boy. I can handle things financially, but I plan on getting him for as much as I can get.

I am in such a state of shock. I am having huge trust issues with people. I am beginning to get paranoid and to wonder if anybody out there really loves me. I thought he did. I honestly never saw this coming.

[BornToResist]

Aw, sweety, don't worry, you WILL get through this.

 

I tried to PM (private message) you but your account is so new that it won't let me. Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

It is completely understandable that you are shocked! Any person in their right mind would be. It also sucks that he's doing this to you NOW, when you're the least mentally and emotionally prepared to handle it.

 

Do you have a support system, like your family around?

 

Giving up my baby was an option for me either. And someday you'll look back at your beautiful baby and realize that everything happens for a reason...although it's too hard to think like that now.

 

I applaud your courage and this is definently going to be a hard time on you...but it's NOT your fault that this happened. It does NOT mean nobody will ever love you. This may have opened the doors to finding that person you're truly supposed to be with, someone who does care for you, not just themselves and is perfect for you.

 

Just hang in there, it's going to be hard but it will get easier as time goes on. Come here and vent as much as you want, there's such a huge support network that will help you work out your thoughts and insecurities.

 

I'm sending warm wishes your way.

[melrich]

Oh wow, it seems like he has had a bit of a brain fart. It is possible that the reality of becoming a father has just overwhelmed him (a common occurrence) but it is also possible that what he is telling you is the cold hard truth.

 

Whatever he needs to understand that simply walking away from you and the child is not the act of a man. If he is certain that the relationship is over he should be made equally certain of his obligations and responsibilities.

 

Perhaps it is time to stop talking to him about the relationship for a while and focus instead on talking about your baby and it's future and his role and responsibilities in that. If he comes to realise that the end of the relationship does not equal the end of his responsibilities he may see some sense in re- engaging in discussions about your relationship.

[Enitsirk]

You know... I simply do not believe that he wasn't in love with me. We went out on dates all the time, our bedroom life was great. I have stacks of love letters and cards from him, some just recent. He use to buy me flowers on a frequent basis. He use to call me 3 to 4 times a day just to say hi. He told me he loved me everyday. He told everybody he knew how much he loved me. His family is in shock, friends are in shock too. For him to put on an act the past couple of years would have taken lots of energy. I wonder if he is seeing another woman.... I just don't know what to think.

[J6hn]

It kind of looks like he's just became bored with the relationship.

I'm very very sorry to hear this, but the main thing you should focus on is the child, because it's going to be with you and your (to-be-ex) husband will not.

Make it clear to him that he holds responsibilities towards the child and should be there for it for atleast its childhood years, it doesn't matter what form this takes, financial support or occasionally looking after it. He just needs to help give it the best life it can get.

[J6hn]

You know... I simply do not believe that he wasn't in love with me. We went out on dates all the time, our bedroom life was great. I have stacks of love letters and cards from him, some just recent. He use to buy me flowers on a frequent basis. He use to call me 3 to 4 times a day just to say hi. He told me he loved me everyday. He told everybody he knew how much he loved me. His family is in shock, friends are in shock too. For him to put on an act the past couple of years would have taken lots of energy. I wonder if he is seeing another woman.... I just don't know what to think.

 

It's possible.

But also he's perhaps a generous man who could put a lot of energy into that sort of thing. But the fact that he was putting all of it into something he was lying about was tearing him up inside and he cracked.

It's impossible to tell, the only one who can say is him.

[melrich]

You know... I simply do not believe that he wasn't in love with me. We went out on dates all the time, our bedroom life was great. I have stacks of love letters and cards from him, some just recent. He use to buy me flowers on a frequent basis. He use to call me 3 to 4 times a day just to say hi. He told me he loved me everyday. He told everybody he knew how much he loved me. His family is in shock, friends are in shock too. For him to put on an act the past couple of years would have taken lots of energy. I wonder if he is seeing another woman.... I just don't know what to think.

 

From what you say here, it is possible that he has just panicked with the reality of becoming a father. Do some reading on the matter. It is not uncommon. Men suddnly start to "feel" their responsibility of being a provider far more intensely. It can lead them to become irrational and fearful of their ability to fulfil the role.

 

If you have the chance to talk with him next time try and make the focus on how he is feeling about having a baby, what emotions he has about it, what fears, what expectations.

[Enitsirk]

As far as I am concerned his behavior is unforgivable. He is 41 years old and should be far more responsible than this. Perhaps it's a midlife crisis.

[melrich]

As far as I am concerned his behavior is unforgivable.

 

That is certainly something that it is ultimately for you to decide.

[Hope75]

Hi Enitsirk,

 

You had posted about your situation yesterday in a thread titled "The Ultimate Betrayal", and since this thread is exactly the same, I merged the threads together to avoid any confusion, and to consolidate your responses.

[melrich]

You had posted about your situation yesterday in a thread titled "The Ultimate Betrayal", and since this thread is exactly the same, I merged the threads together to avoid any confusion, and to consolidate your responses.

 

I wondered what had happened. Good thinking 99.

[Hope75]

From what you say here, it is possible that he has just panicked with the reality of becoming a father. Do some reading on the matter. It is not uncommon. Men suddnly start to "feel" their responsibility of being a provider far more intensely. It can lead them to become irrational and fearful of their ability to fulfil the role.

 

If you have the chance to talk with him next time try and make the focus on how he is feeling about having a baby, what emotions he has about it, what fears, what expectations.

 

I was thinking the same thing- perhaps he became terrified at the thought of becoming responsible for the well being of a newborn child, and becoming a father. I'm not saving it is forgivable, but it might explain where he was coming from.

 

Does he want to see the baby after he or she is born?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

He could be scared, but it could also be that he has met someone else... people who cheat frequently try to rewrite history in their own minds to justify their own behavior... i.e., if he never loved you, then he doesn't have to be responsible for you, and it is OK to take a powder and run off on you...

he may also be trying to convince you he has a valid reason for leaving, when it is to cover up his true action, adultery, which could make a judge rule more favorably for you financially in a divorce...

 

i am always HIGHLY suspicious of someone who comes home late every night... most cheaters claim work is the reason they are absent late at night...

 

but whether he likes it or not, he IS obligated to pay your support and child support for as long as ruled by a judge in the divorce... please don't focus on any re-writing of history of history he is trying to do right now... it is either a smokescreen or else a self rationale of what is really beastly behavior, abandoning and leaving a woman when she is pregnant with his child.

[neallo82288]

Most cases child support can and should be handled prior to the divorce date. GET a lawyer to help you out. Trust me a good one will make him live in his car and pay you a fortune.

Discuss the babys future with him, but not support (theres time enough to worry about that). Find out what role he wants to take in the babys life.

[Enitsirk]

I feel so abandoned..... How could anybody treat another human being this way????

[Anastasia_Mixali]

I don't have children, but I understand the abonment you must feel. I am so soory you are going through all this. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. ((((((((HUG)))))))))

[ballerina]

Enitsirk, I am in my fourties, have 2 teenagers and had my tubes tied 12 years ago. I am going through a divorce since last February. All that I can say is that you are so so brave and passionate. I admire your passion and ability to love. To love is human, be proud of it and don't feel bad that you gave love and not hate and betrayal. Look at your positive trades, you are young and must be attractive ( to marry 2 men by the age of 34...only movie stars do that : )).

Challenges in life come to strong people and you must be a strong person. You also said that you can handle it financially. Who needs a man like that anyway, he will be more of a burden than help with the baby, I assure you. I am happier with my kids without their dad around. Yes, he makes them happy but since he can't make me happy, then I am better off without him.

 

It is true it is a shock in the beginning, but time will help things settle. So while waiting, focus on yourself.

Emotions can take over us and I found out that doing something that makes me feel good about myself helps. I remodeled half of my house during the last 6 months. All my friends are shocked that I did that while dealing with divorce. But it kept me busy every day and I felt good communicating with the workers and achieving results. I also joined a single parents group where I found many friends.

 

You can get busy getting the baby stuff ready. It wil be exciting. Try to distract your mind. Men like that are not worth your mind energy. Spend it on something more useflul to you. That is what I tell myself. Think about him only when you are filling out the divorce forms.

My best wishes for a healthy baby and mom.

[radioheader]

human beings do this to each other when they are totally selfish and narcisistic! i agree that he is saying he never loved you so he can feel justified about leaving you and the baby...i too believe that there may be another woman...most men just don't walk out cold turkey unless they have someone waiting for them....but it really doesn't matter why now...

 

you deserve so much better! it is time for you to take care of yourself and that baby...you are gonna get thru this with the support of friends and family...go get a therapist too! they really help...especially during the beginning...they can help you see what emotions you are going to go thru and how it will feel like a rollercoaster ride....they come out of nowhere! (believe me...i've been there!)

 

and go get a really good lawyer who can get a fair settlement for you and your baby...you could get a PI too if you think it would help to find out if there is someone else...but that is your call...may not be that important to you or in your state for the divorce...

 

come back here to post and vent anytime...we are here to listen!