Getting back together through NC?

[LLammas]

Here's my story, in a nutshell:

 

My ex and I were together for four wonderful years. Over the summer, he told me he no longer knew who he was, what he wanted, or where his life was going. A few months ago I finally moved out of our apartment to give him space to figure things out.

 

Weeks after my move, I find that he's dating someone else. When I confronted him about this, he claimed he was only dating her to "figure things out" for himself, and that it wasn't serious. We still flirted. He still said he may want to work it all out...until I began questioning him all too often about where we stood.

 

Fast forward to a few days ago. We're still in the same position. He still flirts, he gave me a lovely (and expensive-very uncharacteristic of him) necklace for christmas and has been telling me all along that he doesn't know what his feelings are. Then the new girl finds out we're talking. Things explode. She demands that he cut off all communication with me immediately, and he does. He even changes his phone number.

 

In the one conversation we've had in the last two days. He tries to avoid questions about his feelings. I tell him I can no longer wait, that this has dragged on quite enough, and I want to know what he wants. He tells me he wants to be with her, then adds that he wants me to leave him alone (as if he weren't the one stringing things along; I was ready to stop speaking to him altogether after I found out about her).

 

My question is this: can anyone offer any insight into this bizarre behavior? I'm going NC with him (as per his request) but still have the gut feeling this won't be the last I hear from him (we've broken up twice before and wound up back together). Has NC worked for anyone in fixing such a broken relationship?

[Ellie2006]

L, Sorry to hear of your circumstances.

If I may ask: is reconciliation what you really want? In my humble opinion, he has made it pretty clear that his choice is to be w/ this other girl (even though he has been sending you mixed messages by continued flirting).

 

L, I am sure you have read it elsewhere on these forums that NC is NOT to fix a broken relationship but to mend our broken hearts so that we can move on w/ our lives.

 

Give him NC but NOT because he requested it but bc you need to heal and move away from this toxic relationship.

 

What do you think?

[robowarrior]

The neglace isn't a sign of affection, its to keep you happy (on the fishing hook so to speak) while he goes around with that other woman. Its non-sense of course, basically he is dissatisfied with the relationship you two are having, he wanted to bail out, to see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

 

Personally if i where you id say, if im not your nr.1 then get the hell out of my life, never come back. (bootkick) end of story. The 'giving him time and space' was just utter non-sense, if he isn't totally devoted to you, then he's not worth your time in the first place.

[Goldfish6888]

I hate this stringing along thing. It's happened to me before. I feel for you but don't let him contact you again. If if you feel, ah well I'm over it and I've forgiven him and no hard feelings.

 

He has made his bed now, let him lie in it.

[LLammas]

Thanks for the input, guys-that helps.

 

I'm just not sure if I'm clinging to something that's no longer there, or if this is just a new way for his uncertainty to rear it's head. Either way, I'm doing NC for my own sanity as well as his. I'm just curious as to whether or not this is the real, honest to goodness end of it all...but he's the only one who can tell me that, and he's not talking.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

First and foremost

 

One thing about NC, it is not a techinque to get or win your ex back. It is more for YOU, to heal, to grieve and move on.

 

Okay about his bizarre behavior...

 

It is my belief his behavior is not bizarre. I am not trying to be mean but he fed you the oldest line in the book. "I need to find myself, I am confused, I need time for me, I need to figure things out, I am lost..." All that are excuses or avoiding the fact that person does not want to be in the relationship with his/her partner anymore. In more cases than not, he/she has someone else in mind. So instead of telling the truth, he/she tries to "sugarcoat" things with these excuses.

 

He is being nice to you, all flirty to keep you by the sidelines...in case things do not work out with this new girl. He is keeping all his bases covered. He knows how you feel and he is exploiting that fact. Another old dirty trick.

 

My friend, you deserve SO much better than this. I am truly sorry things worked out this way but this guy is playing you both. Hang in there and I recommend hard core NC. Take care.

 

(((hugs)))

[meantime]

Your situation is painful and your questions are normal because you are asking them with your heart. Read your post again and pretend it is from someone else. The answers are all there. The man has left you for another woman. Sometimes I think they string us along out of guilt for having ended the relationship along with some lingering feelings. Ask the questions using your brain and not your heart. It is pretty clear to someone on the outside that it is over, maybe for now or maybe forever, that doesn't matter. Today you don't have to know anything but the fact that you will implement NC because it is the right thing for you. Sorry I know it must be killing you.

[nikkers04]

Hey LLammas,

 

I'm sorry to hear about his actions. And I have been in the SAME situation before with a few different circumstances. I will give a brief story.

 

Kevin and I were together for 2 years High school sweethearts he moved away for college about 2 hours away. We had a long distance relationship for a year then I moved to the same city he was so we could be closer together. On his bday a bunch of us were hanging out and by the end of the night it was Amy Kevin and I left. He told me that he was tired so we all should just go home. Being mad that he didn't want me to stay the night with him I started wondering if Amy and Kevin had something going on behind my back. I went back to his house early the next day and walked in on him with her. We tried to work it out yeah was a terible idea all we did was fight for the next 4 months. On New Years eve I had it...I told him good bye he was the one who messed up and he was treating me like crap.

 

We talked once a week maybe just hey hope things are good talk to you later. Then I started ignoring him altogether. I finally took everyones advice on here to stop talking to him....guess what...one of the rare cases it WORKED!!!!! It helped me so much it was hard at first I mean he was my best and only friend from this new city so I was lost. I learned alot about myself and how he was holding me down by being the mean hurtful man he had become and not the sweet person I had begun to go out with. I learned I needed to be treated better and I started to see things more clearly. I got over him I was ready to move on. Be with someone who truly wanted to be with me and not with someone else behind my back.

 

I called him up because I was ready to talk to him ready to treat him like an average human being let him back into the friends circle. I told him I was dating someone (kevin has been the only person I've ever been with) and he flipped. He was MAD that I was seeing someone else...lol...silly boys. About a week later he called me and told me he wanted to start dating again. After alot of work we are now living together and are doing really great we have been back together for about 8 months now. i hope you dont think I'm rambling off about my life story but hopefully it helps with your situation. No contact helps in alot of different ways it can work out the way you want it no matter the ending. You may think you want to be with him the rest of your life but after you no contact him for so long and he doesn't try to get in contact with you then you start to realize you didn't really want to be with him after all. Good luck!

[LLammas]

Nikkers04: Wow. Just wow. You story gives me a lot of hope.

 

And no, I don't think you were rambling at all. There are so many paralells to my situation...the other woman is even named Amy. I just hope things can turn out the same for me. Boo to all the interfering Amys of the world. ;-)

[nikkers04]

Wow thats crazy...and yes BOO to interfering Amys in the world...lol I try to joke about it now because it makes me feel better. I'm not sure what kevin saw in amy he said he didn't like her he just like the sex with her but i dont get that part she was heavier, Ugly, and her voice is ANNOYING. I just didn't get it but whatever lol.

 

I hope things go well for you if you need anybody to chat at you can alwas pm me.

 

As I said in the previous post you will learn alot by being on your own. After being so dependent on someone for so long it almost feels good to get away from them. Get to do what you want that you couldn't do before. I got to hang with my girls alot more I had a lot of fun. I'm completely happy with kevin now but I do wonder sometimes why I gave him another chance. But its working out great and I hope you find something too. Even if it's not him.