Is it okay to be a loner?

[xmrth]

And this is nothing new with me-- my whole life I've preferred doing things by myself. I prefer it until for whatever reason I want to get out of the house. But it's weird--

 

During my semesters I like to be doing things with my girlfriends. But during my breaks I like to focus on getting an internship and relaxing because I get so stressed during my semesters I just want to do nothing. NOTHING.

 

I feel bad because I should have called this one particular friend, but she hasn't called me either so it shouldn't be awkward when I get back this coming semester. It's only going to have been 5 weeks off anyway.

Mostly all of my girlfriends live out of state or on the other side of the state, which is the case with one of my closer girlfriends-- my friends are all at my college.

 

I just feel so stupid because I have no desire to do anything with anyone... I like to go out shopping, clean up, read magazines... I like to work on myself, really. I have fun at work and I talk to a lot of people there, and customers-- I seem to make the best of things I've got to do, like work and school. And then go back to the semester actually wanting to be there, and then go out and do things after class.

 

I just feel like this is wrong. I feel like I should be forcing myself to go out during my breaks, especially summer break.

 

I know I could never be someone who goes out every single night and can't LIVE without doing something with friends, and I'm fine with that. I like to do things occasionally. But I feel like I should be doing more, but the breaks are really the only time I don't do things.

 

I think what's so hard is during breaks, people have closer friends to be hanging out with. I never get asked to do things except during the semesters, and I hate setting things up. If I were asked, I'd definitely do something!

 

I just feel like I'm not living right. I mean, I only have next week left to have off and I'm trying to get all kinds of things done. Then on the weekends I spend them with my boyfriend and that's just what I like to do.

I feel guilty but I feel comfortable.

 

Martha

[rocio]

Yes, you should be making more of an effort. I'm somewhat similar. I hate telephones. I just can't stand them. So my friends call me, but I never call them back. Sometimes I don't even pick up. Maybe it's shyness. But it's more than that. The more I'm alone, the more I want to be alone. I get comfortable there. Sometimes I wish everyone would leave me alone, and sometimes I feel very guilty for being such a horrible friend. Somehow, my friends understand and always forgive me. But I've probably lost lots of potential friends this way.

 

It's okay to enjoy spending time alone. But I find it's a pattern you get into, and then find hard to break. I would try to at least keep contact with you friends (internet can be great for that. I have a friend that I never call, but we e-mail each other back and forth about 15 times each day at work). Also, try to get out with your friends at least once per week. It's important because these girls love you, and it's healthy for you psychologically.

[v8vachon]

Are you an only child? I am.. and I am also a loner, which is why i ask. I dont know if that has anything to do with it, I have always been a one on one friend, I'd have a few close friends but saw them on a one on one basis... I have hung out in groups but rarely instigated it. I am 31 now and I have 1 true friend left, she is also married with kids so it's even harder to get together alone. But I find myself doing more stuff with my children and my husband. If I have to go somewhere, i dont have to have a person there with me, I have picked up and gone just about anywhere on my own, I know people who wont go ANYWHERE alone..lol.. that blows my mind. The guilt you feel is probably because people are saying to you " why havent you call me?" "where have you been"" you cant call no body?" so it makes you feel bad.. but my thought is this.. if they dont understand how you are .. then they are not real friends. a true friend will be happy to hear from you and not always question why you havent called, you have a life.. seems like you are pretty busy and they must love you regardless. YOU ARE OK!

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello xmrth,

 

...then there are the people who must always have the company of others, even if it drives the friends crazy.

 

I myself am like you and hazey amber and v8vachon.

 

I took an e-harmony personality test, (boy, is it long, but worthwhile) which said repeatedly that I was very lucky because I am comfortable either way.

 

I tend to be a workaholic, so maybe it is best for the most part.

 

Bottom line: do what suits you best. Keep your friends, but by all means be comfortable.

 

Best wishes

[rocio]

if they dont understand how you are .. then they are not real friends. a true friend will be happy to hear from you and not always question why you havent called, you have a life.. seems like you are pretty busy and they must love you regardless. YOU ARE OK!

 

This is true. But I think it's important to have a social network outside of just your boyfriend. He can't, and shouldn't be expected to, fulfill all your social needs. And if anything were to happen between the two of you, it is your friends who would carry you through.

[renaissancewoman101]

Being a loner is not a bad thing. I tend to be a loner. I live alone and have been doing that for the last 12 years. I do a lot of things by myself and although I have some friends, I don't like to spend ALL my time with my friends.

 

As I've gotten older, I tend to be more of a homebody. I stay home a lot. I do go out but most of the stuff I do when I am out is more loner type things. I shop alone. I like to take long drives by myself.

 

I used to have female friends who always like to get together to hang out. After a while, that got to me and I distanced myself from them.

 

Maybe I like being a loner because I tend to be too self-conscious about myself.

[xmrth]

I do keep in touch with one of my girlfriends all the time. But with her, she can't get away from her boyfriend-- he'd have to come out every time! But she's great to talk to at any time and I see her more on campus. My other close friend is the one which sparked this thread because I haven't called her. We could have gone to the gym together or gotten drinks... but what I'd rather do is to do that during the semester-- I am always up for anything after class even if it's late.

 

It's funny because I used to get so choked up and upset because I was bad at making friends. Now I seem to have no problem at all but I don't want to do anything!

 

Another thing too though is I hate calling people up while I'm at home... I'm not an only child, to answer that question. But I don't have that relationship with my family where I can tell them anything-- all my life. I like my privacy but I feel weird being out somewhere talking in public on the phone, haha.

 

I might call that one girl just to see what's up, see what she got for a grade in one of the classes we had together.. maybe do something, but honestly, I want to stay home and clean up and do nothing... =\

 

This all started when I was 11. I stopped accepting invitations to do things and just wanted to be home and be by myself and since then I only did things with boyfriends (not because of boyfriends, but before boyfriends I started being a loner) and occasionally throughout the year with other friends.

[Siriana]

From my experience some of these things could be the reason you don't like to hang around as much as you think you should:

 

1. probably you are more of an introvert than extrovert - I know I am. I am not shy, but I need my own private personal time more than extroverts I know.

 

2. maybe you are the only child. I am and I think it plays a big part in it.

 

3. maybe your friends are not sooo interesting to you.

 

In my case I love to do stuff alone like reading, shopping, going to a hairdresser. I like to spend a lot of time alone in my appartment or on the go, but alone.

I like to go out with my friends when there is a show I want to see, my friends wants to see me to talk (if case of a problem).

Partying every weekend - only if i am single.

[Clementine orange]

“Eagles we see fly alone; and they are but sheep which Always herd together.”

 

Sir Philip Sidney - (some dead white guy)

 

I'm a loner too, it used to bother me (or worry me, rather) because I thought I was missing out on something. I've come to realize that it is they, the ones who are surronded by people always, who are missing out on some things.

 

I've wondered if those who are social butterflies, constantly in contact with others, talking all the time or feel the need to be in a relationships all the time - going from one partner to the next with nary a break are afraid of their own thoughts. Afraid of of having to face their own existence. Perhaps they use others to escape what they think is the misery of being themselves. Just a thought.

 

As far as friends go, this is a case of quality is so, so much better than quantity.

[Scout]

I'm somewhat introverted in that I enjoy spending time alone, but I've examined the reasons why in the past, and I can't say I was happy with some of my conclusions.

 

The fact is, it takes effort to forge and maintain connections with people. It takes a concerted effort to make time in your schedule for people. The truth is, I can get a little lazy in that department. I don't like being lazy in any aspect, so when I see this is at least one reason behind my sporadic social life, it bothers me.

 

Maybe you're experiencing something similar.

[v8vachon]

After reading your second response, I see something I didnt see before... you mention you like to do NOTHING.. that may be ok now.. but in teh long run, it's unhealthy to do nothing.. if you CHOOSE to do nothing because you re tired from class and you want to take a break, it'd different than just spending hours and days doing nothing.. that could become a sign of depression. That is different than being a loner. Ask yourself if you r desire to do nothing is from being overwhlemed with school and just wanted to clear your head.. or is it because you are sad and down. BIG RED FLAG!

[rx7]

I think you'll want to hang with people that are very interesting. So keep searching (don't settle for loser friends.. lol)>

 

Also the best way to find interesting fun friends is to be one yourself! Thats my motto.

 

Mix up your routine a bit and see what happens.

[Scout]

Also the best way to find interesting fun friends is to be one yourself! Thats my motto.

 

Yes. As the Harvey Danger song says, "If you're bored, than you're boring."

 

Not that you are, xmirth! I'm just saying, if we don't keep our minds stimulated, that can happen.

[unknownLover]

I can completely relate to you because I've spent my college break the same way. I have a few friends in town that every time I think about picking up the phone to call them, I just think about how that's completely not what I want to do at all. I'd rather sit and read, or watch TV, or go out and get coffee, or do ANYTHING else. It's not that I don't like to be with people sometimes, because I do.

I think in the end, it comes down to who you're friends are. If you like to spend time with your boyfriend, it's because you find him interesting, it's because the time you spend with him is meaningful. In my opinion, you need to find friends that are like this to you also. Even if you do, though, there's nothing wrong with still spending a bunch of time alone. BUT if you don't want to lose the friends that you have, especially over the summer break, you need to at least call every once in a while to see how they are.

[mitch17]

in some ways its good to have ''me time''. but when it comes to weekends, its good to do stuff with mates

[kate111]

See your mates.

 

Otherwise you are too dependent on your boyfriend. Not good.