New Boyfriend ... and he'd rather be with others than me

[Kalika]

I am also going to play devil's advocate about the roses part. One thing you may have to consider that he MAY have bought those roses to pacify you so he can carry on going to bars/drinking and whatnot. It is a temporary fix for a larger issue. Just throwing that out for consideration.

 

Flowers wouldn't really work like that for me lol .. I'm just waiting to see how this weekend plays itself out. If I don't see him this weekend, we're done. But the flowers really are pretty on my kitchen table...

[Kalika]

Also guys who like to spend every single weekend at the bar are not the best choice.

 

Absolutely agreed.

[Batya33]

Sorry if that is how it made you feel. I don't look down on you and did not look down on myself when I dated men who went to bars every weekend or where most of their activities involved bars or parties with alcohol. I simply note that if you want to date this man then you have to decide now whether you accept him for who he is because he probably won't change much at all and won't change for you (or for anyone else). If you accept his approach to a social life - more power to you and that is great for you - I would never look down at someone making such a choice (even though it wouldn't work for me). If you are not sure if you do I think you are going to feel like you're on a rollercoaster every weekend when yet again he prioritizes going to the bars/clubs/parties over spending one on one time with you.

 

As far as the getting drunk - of course people party without getting drunk (in my teens and early 20s I did that all the time - drank extremely little - half a beer was my limit - but was in bars and clubs frequently) - the issue for me would be that type of atmosphere and the frequency with which he is inolved with socializing with drunk people and in a scene which is more appropriate for single/unattached people than those in a relationship.

 

It's all a matter of degree - obviously flirting with or talking to other women when you're not there is not technically cheating (at least not to me, but it may be "inappropriate" or "tacky") but will you feel ok with that/do you trust him to remain faithful while spending the majority of his weekend in a bar with the boys? He may be the most trustworthy person - on the other hand, frequenting bars and clubs can make even the most secure woman insecure and unsure of what he is doing, or whether he is being flirted with, etc. It's I guess the woman's problem to get over but it is far easier to date someone who goes to bars occasionally for a boy's night out than every weekend.

 

that is all I meant and I am sorry if you felt condescended to. That was not at all my intent.

[Iceman26]

If your boyfriend would rather be the designated driver for his friends than spend time with you he simply isn't ready for the type of relationship than you are. You are both on different pages.

 

It isn't that he is a bad guy, he just isn't ready.

 

I also had a friend that would play DD for some people on the weekends. If he wasn't at the bar with them, they would call him up at 2-3AM to go and pick them up to take them home. IMO, I felt that he played DD to get in better with this group of guys he was trying to befriend that he looked up to.

[Kalika]

If your boyfriend would rather be the designated driver for his friends than spend time with you he simply isn't ready for the type of relationship than you are. You are both on different pages.

 

It isn't that he is a bad guy, he just isn't ready.

 

Thanks for your input iceman.. I would definitely agree with that. I understand that it's important to be with both your SO and your friends, but they are adults and should not be completely dependent on him for DD rides ... that being said, I don't believe that's the ONLY reason he goes. He enjoys going there, hanging out, playing darts, etc. If he feels like he has to choose between me and the bars, then quite simply I'll be taking myself out of the equation.

[Kalika]

If you are not sure if you do I think you are going to feel like you're on a rollercoaster every weekend when yet again he prioritizes going to the bars/clubs/parties over spending one on one time with you.

 

agreed Batya.. and as fun as rollercoasters are(!!) I wouldn't want to ride one in my relationship! As far as him flirting with others at the bar, no I don't think he would do that and yes I really do trust him not to. He's not a creep like that, and trusting men is actually one of the harder things for me to do, so I feel secure in that regard. But really, the bar thing really just isn't for me.. This bar he goes to, he enjoys because a friend of his works there, and he knows a lot of people there.. which is great for him but sucky for me. And I already found out what happens when I tell him (i.e. a few days ago) that I just really wasn't in the mood for the bars... he went anyways and I was stuck here posting on ENA!

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I don't want to make a big deal out something that may not....

"But really, the bar thing really just isn't for me.. This bar he goes to, he enjoys because a friend of his works there, and he knows a lot of people there.. which is great for him but sucky for me. And I already found out what happens when I tell him (i.e. a few days ago) that I just really wasn't in the mood for the bars... he went anyways and I was stuck here posting on ENA!"

 

But this passage stuck out at me. May I ask do you both make plans to do other things? Like go to movies, go out to dinner, take walks, are just even stay up late at night talking? Or is his idea of a good time is going out with his friends to this bar and not paying mind the importance quality time is to you or your relationship? If going to the bars is not your cup of tea, it is my belief he should be more sensetive to that fact and make other plans to be with you and only you sometime during the week or one day during the weekend.

 

Plus, it is was your choice to be stuck at home posting here on ENA. You could most certainly make other plans to be with your friends or family. I would recommed refraining staying at home, feeling sorry for yourself and hoping he will feel bad and come home. I played that card years ago and I did not get the desired results. If fact, it made things worse and caused resentment.

 

In any case, I would start living your life as well. Go out, have cut, let your hair hang down. Life is way too short pouting at home waiting for your man to come from the bar.

 

Hang in there my friend. I really hope things go the way you want.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[Kalika]

Plus, it is was your choice to be stuck at home posting here on ENA. You could most certainly make other plans to be with your friends or family. I would recommed refraining staying at home, feeling sorry for yourself and hoping he will feel bad and come home. I played that card years ago and I did not get the desired results. If fact, it made things worse and caused resentment.

 

Hey Kellbell.. I did try to make other plans but by that point it was too late (my friend wanted me to go over to his place, but it's a good 30 mins away and I was upset and didn't want to go out at that point)..

 

either way I didn't really make it really clear before that I wanted to see him on the weekend. Last night he said that he doesn't want to wait a week to see me, and suggested maybe we get together on Wednesdays. Which is all fine and dandy, but if he can't curb his precious weekend barhopping, he's done.

 

So I figure, I'm going to make it really clear to him that Saturday would be the best day for me to see him, unless he wants to come over at some point on a weekday (weekdays I'm not even free until evening, and even then it's hard for me to go out). If he drops the ball this weekend (i.e. my only free time!) he's not getting any more chances. Flowers or not! lol

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

If you feel this man is worth keeping around perhaps you both can work out a compromise. Like, seeing him on Wednesdays and then one day on the weekend. Since your relationship is new, I think that is a good start. And make those days sacred.

 

That way, you will be able to see him, no hinting around or misunderstanding, plus he can still go to the bar and hang out with his friends.

[Kalika]

I think a compromise could be worked out kellbell.. but the larger issue is, most guys that I've seen want to be around their girls all (or a lot of) the time.. so I don't know what's wrong or missing here..

[Batya33]

There is nothing wrong other than you two are not on the same page. His priority on weekends is to go to a bar without you there and so far that scenario is not working for you. Here's how I changed that way back when (we were both 23). We were not yet exclusive but he only asked me out during the week and occasionally on a weekend because on weekends he basically did what your guy does. After about 4-5 months of this I booked a trip to club med, told him I was going, went, there were no cell phones or email back then so I sent him one postcard. I returned, after 5 days away on a Thursday. That night I went to the Janet Jackson concert with a guy friend and had a blast. My bf didn't call. He called the next day. I returned his call and he sounded a little anxious. He asked to come over and I said sure. He said he had missed me a lot and that he was starting to fall for me. From then on he made me a part of his plans every weekend and the bar hopping went wayyyy down.

 

This is just from my experience but I have never met a guy - and I've dated over a hundred, have known hundreds - who would rather see his guy friend every single weekend then see his girlfriend. He will instead see his guy friends when his gf is busy or not available, perhaps during the week and once in a blue moon there will be a weekend boy's night out where the girls are not invited.

 

My guess - he is not ready to be in an exclusive relationship with you where his weekend social plans are planned first around the two of you and second around other people, at least the majority of the time (unless he works all weekend, which he does not).

[Kalika]

My guess - he is not ready to be in an exclusive relationship with you where his weekend social plans are planned first around the two of you and second around other people, at least the majority of the time (unless he works all weekend, which he does not).

 

Heh yeah I've thought about just "disappearing" for a while to see what would happen.. unfortunately we already ARE exclusive which I feel may have been rushed. I hate to say it but I wouldn't mind dating others to see what my options are. Is there any way to break EXCLUSIVITY with a guy without actually totally dumping him?? I feel awful for asking this, but I do want the opportunity to meet other guys that wouldn't be out barhopping all the time.

 

I wish I had more time for other hobbies like the ones mentioned, but I honestly just dont.. I have a lot of responsibilities and my time is very limited, and that includes time to go out and socialize. Ugh maybe it's time to try meeting guys online.

[rocio]

Ugh maybe it's time to try meeting guys online.

 

Even if you are dissatisfied with the way the relationship turned out, I think you owe it to him to end the relationship before starting new ones.

[kellbell]

Well,

 

If things are this difficult so early, then maybe it was not meant to be. Don't get me wrong, relationships are hard work but not THIS hard and so early.

 

I am not saying your boyfriend is a bad guy, he sounds like he is on a different page than you and perhaps not the one for you. It seems like you two want different things.

 

And you are right, boy/girlfriends whom want to be with their partners will certainly express it and make the time.

 

I am so sorry things have been tough.

[EvaGina]

He sounds like he is still at hte stage where he doesnt realise that women can be interesting, engaging people....

 

If you have different priorities, I would break it off. You dont have to be angry about it, just chalk it up to experieince

[Batya33]

I think it is fair to tell him - I understand that you prefer to spend your weekends with your friends. I didn't really understand that before I agreed to be exclusive. I would like to still see you when you want to make time for me and when I am available but to me, at least Saturday nights should be "date night" when you are dating someone exclusively. So, if you prefer to spend weekends with your friends I will spend that time going on dates with other men.

[rocio]

I think it is fair to tell him - I understand that you prefer to spend your weekends with your friends. I didn't really understand that before I agreed to be exclusive. I would like to still see you when you want to make time for me and when I am available but to me, at least Saturday nights should be "date night" when you are dating someone exclusively. So, if you prefer to spend weekends with your friends I will spend that time going on dates with other men.

 

It's fair... but don't expect the relationship to continue if you say this!

[Batya33]

True . . . but he might be relieved to hear he has his freedom.

 

The problem here is, typically a couple in this situation are not exclusive so there is still the don't ask don't tell situation going on- it's rare to become exclusive but weekends are still for "the guys." Maybe he likes the security of the "status" but not the spending more time together part.

[Kalika]

I think it is fair to tell him - I understand that you prefer to spend your weekends with your friends. I didn't really understand that before I agreed to be exclusive. I would like to still see you when you want to make time for me and when I am available but to me, at least Saturday nights should be "date night" when you are dating someone exclusively. So, if you prefer to spend weekends with your friends I will spend that time going on dates with other men.

 

Hahahaha Batya I actually laughed out loud when I read that.. Yeah I'm sure that would go over well lol ... that's actually how I feel though..

 

As as matter of fact, he called me tonight to say that his friend invited him t the bar to watch some sports thing (yeah I don't know anything about sports...) and he said he wasn't sure if he was going or not because he has to work tomorrow.. Maybe I underestimated the amount of time he goes there..

 

Edit - Yep, he's at the Lodge. Just got a text from him. Yep... not responding..

[Batya33]

Hahahaha Batya I actually laughed out loud when I read that.. Yeah I'm sure that would go over well lol ... that's actually how I feel though..

 

As as matter of fact, he called me tonight to say that his friend invited him t the bar to watch some sports thing (yeah I don't know anything about sports...) and he said he wasn't sure if he was going or not because he has to work tomorrow.. Maybe I underestimated the amount of time he goes there..

 

Edit - Yep, he's at the Lodge. Just got a text from him. Yep... not responding..

 

I once told a man who wanted to sleep with me before we were exclusive although he would only "take other women out on coffee dates." Uh huh -

 

I said (three days after this came up):

 

"I like you and am attracted to you - and would love to continue seeing you - but I do not feel comfortable sleeping with someone who is keeping his options open. So, we can wait to sleep together until you are ready to be exclusive and you can date others -- i am willing to wait - we've only been dating for 6 weeks. If you can't agree to that that's fine but then I don't think I can continue seeing you."

 

He had two reactions. Reaction one - which was that night - he now thought he could be ready to be exclusive very soon.

 

Reaction two - he could not believe how I was so calm, so direct and basically convinced him without trying to that it was what he had wanted all along.

 

You'd be surprised what happens when you are direct, calm and stick to your values.

 

(ps - we dated about another three months until he said that he wasn't yet in love with me and didn't see it working out. I took from that that just perhaps, if a man is willing to see others for "coffee" and sleep with you that perhaps he is really not into you enough for the long run. I wouldn't know as I never tested that theory again - every other guy I've been with in a serious relationship initiated being exclusive and it had nothing to do with having sex).

[chantal]

if he wanted to be with you he would... don't waste ur time on a guy who rather go out and spend time at a place where he can go anythime then hang out with his girlfriend..

being alone isnt a bad thing. Im guessing you are young so you still have lots of time,,, dont waste you time with the wrong one because the Right one could walk right by and you wouldnt even notice him... men don't change unless they want to change themselves. And i know it hurts to brakeup with someone.. i went through somthing like what your going through... in my opinion i rather be with a guy who wants to chill with me and how would rather be with me and spend time with me then do anything else.

 

if your not sure what to do about your new relationship then wait for a week maybe 2 if u are still unsure and do this......

 

1) get a pen and papper and write down everytime you think of him.

2) write down how many times he has seen you in these two weeks and then write down how many times you wished you had seen him.

3) same with phone calls , how mant times you call him and how many times he calls you.

4) and any other little thing that you feel you are missing in this relationship.

 

then look over it..

did you call him more then he called you?

are you thinking about him more then he is seeing you?

 

you dont want to be with someone who donesn.'t care about you as much as you care about him.

Hunniw you wil be the only one who gets hurt in the end..

and if you want to talk about this with someone who wont judge you can msg me and i will send you my email..

 

be strong cuz this situation is in the pain in the butt

[Kalika]

You'd be surprised what happens when you are direct, calm and stick to your values.

 

Yeah I think me and him are going to have to talk... it'll probably have to be over the phone because who knows when I'll even get a chance to see him.. I'm just feeling not into it any more.

 

Chantal - Thanks for your kind words.. I definitely know what I want and if he's not going to step up to the plate, I can't be with him. I don't want to have to compete with a friggin bar.

[The Crying Pony]

Girl, been there, cried over that, got the emotional scars. Get the hell out! He sounds exactly like my ex and I just thought last night I should have listened to myself and all the warning signs when I had the chance (before my heart got ripped out!)

 

This behaviour, I'm sorry to tell you, is a warning sign. Now, don't think he's maybe out with some other girl because he's most probably not - if only that was the case and he was at least being a real * * * * *! No, he is probably and truthfully out with some friends, it's his way of feeling liberated, like he's not REALLY in a relationship and being controlled by the "lesser" sex, a woman!

 

Just one q: Are you being controlling at all? Nothing makes a man run faster than that. And a giant hint: Do NOT be needy and whiny! Take my advice, DONT be needy and whiny. That is, if you want to keep him? But with men I have learned that they react to indifference in times when they themselves are indifferent (which is practically always!)

 

Hang in there my dear! And be strong. You are!

[Kalika]

Hey Crying Pony -

I've decided to break up with him. I'm actually the opposite of needy ... He called last night at 7pm and I didn't even bother picking up or calling him back. I just didn't really want to talk to him.. and I haven't spoken to him since the day before, and even then I only picked up when he called because I figured I'd have to talk to him at SOME point..

 

As for controlling, no I haven't really done that either.. I'm usually the opposite of controlling (usually I'm too shy to tell someone I'm with what I need from the relationship).. I definitely see this as a warning sign, but not in the sense that he might be playing me or something. I just see it as a sign that we wont ever grow close the way a couple should be.

 

So the next time I talk to him (or soon thereafter) I'll be ending it and giving him his stuff back.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am so sorry things did not work out.

 

Let us know how you are doing okay?

 

(((hugs)))