New Boyfriend ... and he'd rather be with others than me

[treefrogkate]

It sounds like you've made up your mind, but something stuck out at me when I read your initial post:

 

He says he misses me, and was even asking what I was doing tonight. I said I didn't make any plans... and we talked about other stuff for a while, then I just asked him, so are you going to the bar tonight? and he's like yeah I'm gonna call so-and-so to see what he's doing.. and then I said Okay, then I'm gonna call up some friends, so bye. And I basically hung up on him.

 

This just sounds to me like the wrong way to go about trying to make plans with someone. First off, asking him if he's going to the bar makes it sound like you're not planning on seeing him that night, so if he's not got anything better to do? Well, he might as well go now.

 

Second off, you say later that you'd rather tell him how you feel than play games, yet the "Are you going to the bar?" smacks of the "I'm fishing to see if you'll choose me over your friends" game. Instead of asking this, if you had said "I have no plans and would very much like to see you", maybe you would have gotten to see him that night. I can understand wanting him to make the first move, but if he had an ex that didn't really want to spend much time with him, maybe he is scared of pushing you away?

 

Open and honest communication is key, and fishing for the answers you want instead of coming out and saying what you want isn't it IMHO. If this won't help in this case, then perhaps it's something you can consider next time.

[Kalika]

Second off, you say later that you'd rather tell him how you feel than play games, yet the "Are you going to the bar?" smacks of the "I'm fishing to see if you'll choose me over your friends" game.

 

Hey TFKate

You are very observant and I agree with your take on it.. The only thing is, I already knew at that point that I wouldn't be seeing him (I figured that if I was, it would have been discussed earlier in the convo..) but I wasn't sure if he would be at the bar, or at his friend's house (which is the other place he's usually at if not at the bar). But in general yes, I do hesitate to "squeeze" myself into his plans, especially if they're ones I'm not horribly interested in.. Bars are OK to me once in a while, but I certainly don't want to be there every night, and it seems that if I tell him I want to hang out but I'm not interested in going there, he just goes there anyways, just without me. Tells me a lot.

 

It's not so much wanting him to make the first move as it is wanting him to make plans ahead of time, and I mean SOLID plans. Like he will say, "How about we hang out Wednesday?" then wed. evening comes around and he will call say nonchalantly that he was planning on going out to dinner with me but cant for whatever reason.. and then I find out that he couldn't go to dinner, but went to the bar (or friends' houses) later on in the evening. ....

[Batya33]

The problem is that he sees that you have put up with this behavior a few times so there is no reason to stop (or he just buys you some flowers and he is out of the doghouse, etc.) I hope you do decide to either end it or tell him what you expect and then act consistently with your expectations. good luck!

[The Crying Pony]

I'm glad you've made up your mind. The things I suggest like: are you needy or controlling - I only suggest because I made those mistakes and regret always comes too late!

 

You seem to be so much braver and smarter than I was. Not picking up the phone probably drove him nuts! And that is what men react to - indifference! you have the power now. And it's not a bad thing at all.

 

As for the thing about him not playing you, no, he probably isn't. But you are so right when you say that this issue will cause slow growth if any growth at all in a relationship. The bravest thing is admitting that he is not the one for you and moving on. The moment i did that, my life changed!

 

I've gone on so many dates since my nightmarish break-up (it wasn't a pretty sight!), with wonderful amazing caring men. I've had adventures, I've been spoilt rotten by all of them and finally see what standard of men there are out there. And guess what, I have found the one and am reeling him in as we speak. And guess what works on him too? Indifference. It's not a bad thing, it is how you deal with men and keep them coming. I never ever sound desperate any more. Naked need in one breeds dispassion in the other!

 

I hope the break-up isn't too painful when it happens. Hopefully it'll wake him up. I hate the saying that there are more fish in the sea, but for the first time in my life I really am experiencing that. Men love a confident, free, indifferent woman. They want to be part of that kind of life, that freedom and confidence!

 

Go ahead, snag yourself a good one! One who takes you out a lot!!! He is out there!

 

xxx