THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[BrokenheartUK]

Day 30 so I thought I'd update with my journey so far. It's worth bearing in mind that I am the dumper in my relationship, which I hope shows a few of you dumpees that we aren't all heartless robots!

 

Brief history: I went NC on February 2nd. My ex and I almost got back together in January after I broke up with her in September '08 (we were together 2 years), but after keeping me in limbo for a week, she eventually refused. I then found out a couple weeks later that she had a new boyfriend so I tried to get closure on everything by talking to her one last time before I went NC. It helped in the VERY short term, then after a couple of days the fact that it was over for good sank in and I drunk-texted her out of desperation, telling her how much I loved her, saying I wanted to be with her forever and that the thought of her being happy with someone else was killing me. You know the drill! I woke up the next day and thought 'enough'. I knew it was unfair of me to keep contacting her in this way and I had to respect her and her new relationship no matter how much it hurt me, so I went strict NC.

 

I've stuck to it completely - no texts, no calls, no emails, no IM, no social networking. I haven't looked at her myspace or facebook for a month and have erased my profiles on those sites. Basically I have deleted every possible way of contacting her from my life, as I know it is the only thing that will make me stick to NC. I've told all of our mutual friends not to tell me anything about her life and they have done so. I still have her mobile number stored in my phone as I kept the last message I sent her a month ago. I don't know why, I suspect in case she texts me so I know it's her. I'm pleased to report that despite this I have had no urge to text or call her again on her mobile.

 

Going NC has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do and a real lesson that I am still learning day by day. To say this is a rollercoaster may be a cliché but only because it's true! In the first week or so I was seemingly okay and trying to get on with life, only to relapse more into deep depression as time went on. I developed insomnia and completely lost my appetite and consequently lost weight. I stopped exercising. I found myself crying all the time and having an extremely bleak outlook on my life and the future. In my darkest moment I found myself staring at the Samaritans website reading an article called 'What to do if you are having suicidal thoughts'. I remember tears streaming down my face as I read.

 

So what has happened since then? Well I'm not going to lie to you, I still hurt every single day and I still think about her (and him) every day too. I sometimes find myself sitting there in a blind and uncontrollable panic over the fact that she will fall in love with this new guy and end up marrying him. Try as I might, she is always there in my thoughts: sometimes faded into the background, other times right up front. Having said this, there have been a lot of positives that have become evident in these past 30 days that I want to share with you. Perhaps they will encourage those of you who are going through what I am and give you some hope:

 

• First and foremost, I've taken steps to try and understand, accept and work through the breakup. I did this by starting counselling to address my problems and I now have a clearer perspective on how necessary the breakup was and what I need to do to prevent it happening again. I bought some self-help books to get me through the pain and to give me comfort. I started keeping a journal to help me get my thoughts from my head onto paper and it really helps.
   
  
• My relationship with my parents has improved tenfold and I have realised that they will always be there for me. Before the breakup I was always scared to contact them over things like this in case they were disappointed in me, but I've since learned this is not true and they just want what makes me happy. I used to call them once a week, now we speak three or four times a week and I email my Mum every day.
   
  
• I've learned to appreciate my friends more.
   
  
• After being diagnosed with insomina and prescribed Temazepam, I managed to beat it on my own without the drugs and am now sleeping normally again. I have also gotten my appetite back slowly over the past month.
   
  
• I signed up to a dating site to try and 'get back out there'. Not to meet anyone for romance, just to prove to myself that there are other girls out there. I went on a couple of dates with a girl I met on the site, I was honest with her and told her I wasn't interested in a relationship and she was fine with it. We are now friends.
   
  
• I've started to go out and socialise again and am learning how to have fun with new people and in new places.
   
  
• I've started to make plans for the future by compiling a big list of thigs I want to achieve. I'm even planning my first solo holiday later in the year!
  

 

So that's where I'm at after 30 days. I feel like I've come a long way and am slowly healing, but it is an agonising process. Imagine a meter ruler - I feel like every day is like advancing a millimeter at a time and there are still days when I go back two or three. I have accepted that she isn't coming back and that she is happy with this new guy. It's silly really as I don't even know how serious the relationship is or even if they're still dating, but I find that assuming the worst helps me the most. I still fantasise that we'll get back together in the future and that she misses me, but I know deep down it's just clinging onto false hope. I'm praying that time will help me let go once and for all.

 

It's funny really, if this has taught me anything it's that even if my ex came back to me tomorrow, I am in no position emotionally to get back together with her. From what I have learned over the past month, I know that I need to be on my own for a good long while to work through my issues and be the best man I can be for any future partners, whether that will be her one day or someone completely new. I know this had to happen for a reason and that we can't be together right now. Will we ever be again? Who knows. It certainly is weird how things turn out. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that there are better days ahead, no matter how far away they seem right now.

 

I hope this helped someone today. Thanks for reading, sorry about the length!

[cookiedough1]

Thanks BrokenHeartUK...your post did help. I'm also trying to focus on healing myself, but sometimes I feel it's easy to get entrenched in all the pain and it's difficult to separate out how to actually benefit from these difficult times.

 

Week 3:

 

Had dreams of him as well.....it makes me in a sour mood before going to work. I feel like I'm at that point where I'm afraid I'll never get over him. I don't know why it bothers me so much that my closest friends work with him now for the month...even though they know not to talk about him....but it adds an extra layer of sorrow...as if they'll have fun with him, and it's not me.

[BrokenheartUK]

cookiedough1 > I still get engulfed by the pain, it's a daily battle. I sit at my desk at work reminiscing over our past and slotting in the image of a faceless new guy in my place, it's completely detrimental to my healing but I just can't stop. I imagine them together in their cosy little honeymoon period and I want to be sick, but I'm just being bitter and jealous as she deserves to be happy just as much as I do. Yes, the pain of her moving on so 'soon' is like a daily knife in my heart but I'm hoping one day I will be as happy as she is now, with my 'one'. I know in my heart she has met her future husband, it sounds so stupid as I have no clue if she is happy with him or not but something just tells me that I was her last 'guy to learn a lesson from' and was in fact the one preparing her to meet her new man.

 

At the moment I feel like you, like I'll never get over her. 30 days and I'm still no further along, but as I posted above I am trying to take steps to move on.

[Ixtapa]

BrokenHeartUK, your post helped me too....just wondering how long you are planning to keep doing NC ?

 

I feel like I will need much more than just 30 days to feel okay again. I still battle the urge to contact him everyday (successfully so far) so I am definitely NOT over him. There were a lot of unresolved issues between us and the questionning is still driving me nuts. Anyway....time heals all things as they say.

[JohnGalt]

Day 30ish

 

I think it has been a little over a month. I feel, honestly, like I want to contact her. I want to know if there's a chance that she wants to be back together and work things out. I want to know if she misses me. She's a prideful girl and so I don't think she'd come back even if that's what she truly wanted to do.

 

The good thing about NC is that I've been able to ride a wave of emotions on my way to healing. I'm honestly not sure even if she came back, I could take her back. I'm so physically and emotionally drained and hurt that I don't think I trust her anymore.

 

Truth be told, I'm not over it. I need more time. More no contact. I'll go for another 6 months at least. The day I reach out to her will be the day, I can honestly feel nothing if she got engaged to someone else.

[brazilgirl21]

Hey lovely people!

Broken - I'm SO proud of you for keeping with your 30 days of NC! I believe you'll be proud of me too since I'm on day 16 and you know how hard it was for me on the beggining.

 

I can't say it's been an easy ride, specially because it spiralled my anxiety/panic, but in the end, my whole inner struggle with my anxiety has kept me very focused on the NC since I tend to focus more on getting better than on him.

 

I have NO news of him, I have NO idea what he's up to, the only thing I'm "guilty" of is checking his new girl's social network profile front page, because I can't see more because I'm not her friend. And well, "no answer" about relationship status. I wonder if one day that will change and will affect me, but I guess I should just try to avoid her profile, even if the only thing I can see is her face/age/relationship status. Anyways, my ex doesn't have ANY profiles which I'm very thankful for.

 

For me it's just weird to think about how disconnected we are from eachother's life. It's like, unbelieveble. I still REALLY miss him and wish he at least thinks about me at times... But in the end, he might just be happy with his new girl and not even think about me.

 

Oh well, NC Day 16, going strong.

[Anon21]

NC Day 1

 

Whenever I've talked to her within the past few weeks it's only led to more pain. I was the one who left her, but I guess I never thought it would really end. After we had been together for over 2 1/2 years, she found a new guy after 2 weeks. She basically has completely forgotten me, and I'm no longer any part of her life.

 

A month ago (after we had been apart about a week) she sent me e-mails telling me how much she loved me and how she would never be able to move on. I was going to return to her, and then I got the news she was with someone else. I was heartbroken. I feel like I'm meant to be with her and I don't understand how she's forgotten me so fast after all we've been through.

 

Right now I'm hoping I'll be okay if she moves on, but my views change everyday.

[JohnGalt]

why'd you break up with her, anon?

[BrokenheartUK]

BrokenHeartUK, your post helped me too....just wondering how long you are planning to keep doing NC ?

 

I will keep NC as long as it takes for me to heal. Although, having said that, it's my birthday this Saturday and if I receive any kind of acknowledgement from her (card, sms) I will reply with a polite 'thank you' via text. If she send me a card I can't just ignore it, I'm just not that kind of person. If it wasn't my birthday though I would still be in NC!

 

I'm the same as you - I will need a lot more than 30 days, I never knew my feelings were this strong for her. It's scary to think that I can't put a time period on it. 30 days has gone by so slowly I thought my calendar was wrong!

 

I want to know if she misses me.

 

This is the one thing I wish I kew about my ex too, John. In reality I know she doesn't - why would she? She's with someone else!

 

brazilgirl > I am very proud of you, I know how hard NC is for you. Keep it up!

[JohnGalt]

Not true, UK. She probably still misses you, man. If this thing with the new guy doesn't work out, she will probably come back to you. You just gotta let this new relationship run its course.

[lauramed]

Over 30 days of NC down the drain. After 3 months he called twice last week...I couldn't stop myself from answering. Called again last night but I was out with friends and didn't answer the phone. I know I probably shouldn't, but will call him at some point today. I have to think it through before I do it though, because unless he can tell me that he wants to try to work it out and get back together, I just can't go through this again. It's amazing to me that just when I started to feel that it was truly over and I'd never hear from him again out of the blue he reappears in my life. I'm just terrified right now as to what he wants and why all of a sudden he's back. As much as I love him and want him back more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, I can't set myself up for that kind of hurt again.

[LemonCheesecak]

Day 3

 

Although its technically a week since we've spoken. I'm still looking at this as some sort of little game to see who'll crack under pressure first: not a helpful approach in healing at all, but I can't help it.

 

I just refuse to believe two and a half years of being so close and seeming perfect for each other can just wash away after a month of being "apart". My feelings are still as strong as they were when we broke up, but I'm learning to ignore that part of me a lot more now. My only thought is that the girl she lives with is helping her keep her distance from me. This girl has always been more fond of going out looking for an easy one night stand than anything romantic and I suspect its down to her bitterness from failed relationships. I know for a fact she's never liked me, because she was jealous that I was taking her flatmate away from her (despite the fact she met her after we started dating).

 

Rant over.

[philove]

It's amazing to me that just when I started to feel that it was truly over and I'd never hear from him again out of the blue he reappears in my life.

 

I think dumpers have some kind of six sense when they feel the dumpee moving on, its happened to me twice! I know one day I will be in the same situation as you because I know my ex will make some sort of contact eventually. As much as I do have feelings for her I know we will never work out and I will never take her back.

[ToodlePip]

Day 14 for me. Not doing well. LemonCheesecak, I suspect my ex is getting similar messages. One of her very close friends removed me as a facebook friend about a week or so ago while I know she was staying at my ex's, so god only knows what was being said. Another girl my ex has spent a lot of time with is a serial dumper, very much grass is greener character. Sad thing is that they are all 30 - you'd think they'd have matured a bit. Oh well.

[LemonCheesecak]

Day 14 for me. Not doing well. LemonCheesecak, I suspect my ex is getting similar messages. One of her very close friends removed me as a facebook friend about a week or so ago while I know she was staying at my ex's, so god only knows what was being said. Another girl my ex has spent a lot of time with is a serial dumper, very much grass is greener character. Sad thing is that they are all 30 - you'd think they'd have matured a bit. Oh well.

 

I won't lie, it angers me quite a bit that people are so susceptible to pressure like that, but I guess that's just because I've always been one to follow my heart. I'd like to say I'm an intelligent, sensible individual, but I've never let anyone influence important matters in my life without a serious assessment by myself.

 

This friend was the reason I got dumped about a year ago (albeit for a week before she admitted her mistake). Although she swears she's doing what SHE wants this time, I'm guessing she's having an easier time with this break up because of her. GAH!

 

It's horrible, because I get the impression, like my ex, yours isn't that kind of person, and I don't like to think of them falling into that kind of social behavior.

[ToodlePip]

Well, to be clear I don't think my ex is actually blindly following their advice, but is rather influenced by what they all believe collectively as a group ie. This weird Sex in the city vision of love and relationships. Fact is my ex hasn't removed me from facebook, and I'm pretty sure that during our breakup "evaluation" period these girls were reasonably neutral. It's more the fact that this serial dumper is currently single and I know is now pushing to move in with my ex, so her motives are whack. And the other one dumped her ex a year or so ago, and when he went NC on her and started dating about 3 weeks later she got all upset cos she was "lovely to him and what did she ever do to deserve that"? So I'm guessing my NC pushed a few buttons.

 

Then there's another friend who was dumped after 10yrs with a guy, who she is now friends with (what her motivation is I don't know) of course during my breakup i got the "x and y have such a good friendship, hopefully we can have that" thing. I didn't say anything but had to really bite my tongue. Very much keeping up with the Jones' in some really weird and twisted way.

 

Suddenly all these friends are becoming single for whatever reason, and hey, lets rip the town up and party like it's 1996 again. Hmmm ok. She'd been single for 4 years before me and would express slight jealousy about all her friends in long term relationships. Now they aren't and I get dumped. Bit hivemind

[BrokenheartUK]

Not true, UK. She probably still misses you, man. If this thing with the new guy doesn't work out, she will probably come back to you. You just gotta let this new relationship run its course.

 

It's really hard to believe this, John. I think by nature I'm a paranoid person and in my head I already have her in love with this new guy. They've only been dating for about 6 weeks, I know nothing of the severity of the relationship or if she is even looking for anything serious, yet I have this intense feeling in my gut that they'll go the distance. Completely irrational but it's the way my head seems to work...even if they did break up she would never come back to me as she has successfully buried any feelings of love she ever felt for me.

 

Does anyone else have this kind of paranoia and fear about their ex's new relationships? Is it natural to feel this way? It would help me if I knew there were others out there who felt as I do

[ToodlePip]

Does anyone else have this kind of paranoia and fear about their ex's new relationships? Is it natural to feel this way? It would help me if I knew there were others out there who felt as I do

 

Of course dude. My ex ex and I both got into relationships around the same time. Not that I minded at the time, but theirs seemed as serious as mine was. Having said that, I looked at her facebook profiel recently and photos of them stopped being posted a while back, and her status quietly was changed to random play. Still, must have been at least a 1 and 1/2 or 2 yr relationship. Mine was nearly 3 yrs. So who knows! Maybe she stayed with him that long cos she saw me settling. Maybe sub-consciously I settled cos I knew she was gone. Either way, I think it's fair enough for you to stress about it, but you should use to to encourage you to focus on YOU and work on yourself. If anything even if they stay together for 3-6 months like most relationships, you buy yourself some time to be an even better person.

[LemonCheesecak]

You explained it better than I could have ever possibly wished in my current state of subdued anger: The sex in the city vision of love and relationships.

 

That's exactly it. And like you, my ex's group of friends from back home (who I have worked with/been friends with myself, small town) were all people I genuinely liked and although most were in long term relationships, my ex had come out of one not that long ago so I don't suspect jealousy was her motive for getting with me.

 

However since we moved to this city for Uni, she met the girl who she's now living with, and who then introduced her to the usual suspects: Sarah Jessica Parkers, Kim Catrells, other ones whos names I do not care to know (for the record, her friends of a similar nature, not show)

I agree, its a suspicious culture

[BrokenheartUK]

Of course dude. My ex ex and I both got into relationships around the same time. Not that I minded at the time, but theirs seemed as serious as mine was. Having said that, I looked at her facebook profiel recently and photos of them stopped being posted a while back, and her status quietly was changed to random play. Still, must have been at least a 1 and 1/2 or 2 yr relationship. Mine was nearly 3 yrs. So who knows!

 

Thanks for the response. It's so silly of me to feel this way as even if she came back tomorrow I am in no place for a reconciliation with her. I need time to be sure of myself so if a second chance ever came around then it would definitely be 'it'. I guess whether I like it or not, all I have is time! Your comment about your new relationships lasting 2-3 years scared the crap out of me though

 

If anything even if they stay together for 3-6 months like most relationships, you buy yourself some time to be an even better person.

 

3-6 months? I wish!

[ToodlePip]

However since we moved to this city for Uni, she met the girl who she's now living with, and who then introduced her to the usual suspects: Sarah Jessica Parkers, Kim Catrells, other ones whos names I do not care to know (for the record, her friends of a similar nature, not show)

I agree, its a suspicious culture

 

Thanks for the response. It's so silly of me to feel this way as even if she came back tomorrow I am in no place for a reconciliation with her. I need time to be sure of myself so if a second chance ever came around then it would definitely be 'it'. I guess whether I like it or not, all I have is time! Your comment about your new relationships lasting 2-3 years scared the crap out of me though

 

Bottom line, my father summed it up quite nicely the other day and in my current woman hating mood it fits - Don't try and figure them out, they're all nuts.

[Sunkist09]

Day 29....

 

Im so over it. Once you get to day 29, you'll be like..what did I see in him...im serious... I dont even plan on contacting my ex after day 30.

[Anon21]

why'd you break up with her, anon?

 

NC Day 2

 

I broke up with her because we would fight often. I miss her because when we weren't fighting we were perfect for each other I thought. I got into a motorcycle crash last monday that was a big scare, but ultimately I came out okay. That was the day I realized I wanted to be with her again.

 

She drove by when I was getting put into the ambulance. She was scared, I was happy to have her there. Then I told her I loved her, and she told me it wasn't going to work out. Her boyfriend popped his head around the corner of the ambulance. That was a nice salt in the wound experience.

 

I've called her crying, and I've sent e-mails trying to get her to remember me. ADVICE - Don't do that. It's happened in my last breakup too (strangely enough it was a similar situation, I broke up with her after 2 1/2 years, then 2 weeks later realized I still loved her, but she had a boyfriend) It only pushes them away more. I feel like I mean absolutely nothing to her now, she falls in love fast.

 

 

Anyway Day 2, not as bad as I was when I was in contact with her, but also quite worse than day 1. Day 1 I was confident, now I just feel hopeless again. I can't figure out if I'm more depressed during the day, being reminded of what the day life is like without her. Or maybe during the night when I lay awake in realization of how alone in the world I am. Only kept company by my thoughts of what I could have done differently. It's especially painful when you realize you did this to yourself.

 

I feel like all of the things I've accomplished in the last 2 years I only had the power to do with her pushing me to do it. I keep running thoughts through my head telling myself if I just wait it out, she'll come back to me. I get falsely excited when I hear a car in the driveway, or when I feel my cell phone vibrate. I just can't see my life playing out without her in it.

 

I'm losing interest in my classes, and haven't been going much lately. Whenever I do, I can't take notes because I'm so distracted by my thoughts. Not to mention work where I feel like I'm doing the worst, laziest job of doing it. I don't really know what to do to get my life back on track. Being alone is only one of my problems right now.

 

 

Does anyone else have this kind of paranoia and fear about their ex's new relationships? Is it natural to feel this way? It would help me if I knew there were others out there who felt as I do

Every single day. The ex before this current one has been with her boyfriend for over 3 years now. That doesn't help the fact that I'm holding on to the feeling that maybe my current ex will soon break up with her boyfriend and realize she loves me again.

[brazilgirl21]

TOTAL paranoia about my ex and his new girl. Specially about NC. It's like, with NC, I'm "letting them be"...

 

Anyways, I do still plan on breaking it down the line. I STILL want him back.

[lauramed]

I could really kick myself right now. Called him back after missing his call last night and of course....no answer and no call back. I'm just not interested in playing games with a grown man. He just doesn't realize that I'm not the person that he dumped into a heap anymore. I'm so angry with myself right now. I had come so far over the past 3 months and now I know what I'll end up doing when I get home tonight. I'll be crying all over again. Somebody needs to dope slap me!!!!