brazilgirl21 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I had lunch with a friend today and for the first time in a while I really didn't think about my ex at all. I was just listening to her and her life and I feel like I'm getting less obssessed. It doesn't hurt me that much when I think about him and the other girl travelling together on Friday. It actually doesn't hurt at all. Probably because they have travelled before and he still went back to me, so I'm not really sure I believe in their relationship. He cheated on her, left her for me, and now is back with her so quickly. How healthy can his relationship be. I mean, come on. We had a fairy tale beggining, a perfect romance. No lying or cheating. I know it doesn't really compare to what he has with this other person. I'm just feeling good and it doesn't hurt that much to think about him anymore. What hurts is that I feel lonely and like it will be a while until I find someone else. Link to comment
BrokenheartUK Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 What hurts is that I feel lonely and like it will be a while until I find someone else. I feel the same way too and we have two choices: we either wallow in our loneliness and misery while our exes are out there living and being happy, or we get out there and start living again as well. We become better, stronger people and learn to enjoy life on our own again until the next person comes along. I know which one I'm doing. Link to comment
Ixtapa Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Feeling much better today. Hopefully it will last. Have been doing some relaxation exercises and taken Bach Flowers....not sure if it helped or if it is just a placebo effect....but in any case Im feeling much more at peace with myself Link to comment
ladyjp Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I wonder where that sudden peace comes from? I know what you mean though because I am there too. I mean, I know he is with her and if I dwell on it it hurts but really, I feel okay with it. Probably like you Brazil, I know he is not 100% with he and how could he be if he is texting me a day ago saying he still thinks of me when he is "with" her? I am so glad you are doing well and thinking of yourself less by just concentrating on being a good friend to someone else. That is probably the healthiest thing you can do is step outside of yourself and help someone else. I feel happy today too. Funny Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 It's an emotional rollercoaster really. I feel fine about him but empty about life in general. One moment I'll be okay and the other I feel hopeless. The only thing I know, is that I'm still hopeful that he'll realize the mistake he has made. It hurts that I'm doing NC because there is nothing left. I need a break from my job. I stay here 9-6pm and it's just not taking my mind off things. Thankfully, I have a break this week. 3 days, but better than nothing. Link to comment
ladyjp Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 It's an emotional rollercoaster really. I feel fine about him but empty about life in general. One moment I'll be okay and the other I feel hopeless. The only thing I know, is that I'm still hopeful that he'll realize the mistake he has made. It hurts that I'm doing NC because there is nothing left. I need a break from my job. I stay here 9-6pm and it's just not taking my mind off things. Thankfully, I have a break this week. 3 days, but better than nothing. Brazil- I think the roller coaster is part of the healing. It wouldn't be normal if you just felt great all the time and the fact you are starting to have some good moments means you are healing- one day at a time. If you sit in front of a computer all day at a desk it is harder. I am in outside sales so it helps. Try getting up and taking a walk around your building and engaging in some watercooler chat a couple times a day to break it up and lighten your mind. It is easy to dwell on it. Also, this site is awesome and has helped me alot but sometimes if I am on here too much it makes me go to a dark place. Moderation. I am glad you get 3 days off! Do something where there are lots of people around and it is upbeat. Try to take at least one of the 3 days and give yourself that day off from thinking about him at all! A day off from him! Hang in there. I hope you get him back but if you can try to look at it like you aren't and you are just starting fresh. If he comes back it is a bonus. Link to comment
dont_know_what_2_say Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 26 days of NC Link to comment
arghgirl Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Ok. I broke NC yesterday. I sent a text and did not hear from him. I then sent an email asking if we can meet so that I can let go and get some closure. I know he needs to be alone, but I could not stop myself. I was feeling a great deal of anxiety yesterday. I went on a date with someone else the night before, and all I thought about was my ex. It hurt so much that whole night. The feeling only became stronger yesterday, as I realized that I still have strong feelings for him. I went out with my date again last night but ended it early. Only because I felt that I was not being fair to the new guy if I still had feelings for my ex. My anxiety was so strong... I guess I just really needed closure so I drove to my ex's house last night after the date ended. My heart was pounding as I did not know what was going to happen. He was there and saw me as I walked up. He seemed a little surprised but welcomed me in. I tried to explain my mistakes, asked him how he felt, and of course asked for another chance. He said that it is what it is, and now it is over. He is really busy with school, and he told me that this is the first time that he is becoming comfortable with being single and needs to work on himself so that he does not do the same mistakes again and again in his relationships. I then started to realize that during the whole relationship, it was all about him. How he felt and how he was affected by things. He never thought of me as he was completely self-absorbed. He said that if it were not for school, he would have tried to work things out with me. And this made me realize that he just takes one compulsive behavior to replace another... one that he can control, which is school right now. (He is in AA, too.) He is unable to love himself, so he could never have loved me in a healthy way. Unfortunately, I still care about him but am letting go. If anything, he is not ready for me or anyone. Anyone he meets during this time will not be good. I can try to move on... but I am stupid because I still have hope that we will reconnect again in the future when both of us are ready. I then just sent him an email letting him that he was selfish during the whole time, and that I am done. Can someone who just does not feel it anymore come around? I did all the wrong things and probably ruined any chances anyway. So, Day 1 again. Link to comment
UCLAMike Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 superdave - he's going on a trip with a new girl on friday. i wanted him to see me before that. in all honesty, im such a mess that I just need a hug from him. I don't even know what to say. Can you imagine yourself being with another man, planning a trip together and sharing love? Then can you imagine yourself meeting your ex 1 day before to "answer questions"? What's over is over. I am terribly sorry. You have to let this one go. If he really loved you there is no way he would do this. He moved on. He burned every bridge of reconciliation. Getting into a new relationship after you is the biggest evidence you need that he no longer wants it. Link to comment
ladyjp Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 ARGH GIRL I know you don't want to hear this and it hurts like hell! Stop immediately. He is telling you it is over. Believe him. Begin your life new and learn from any mistakes you both made. If you aren't ready to date- don't. Sometimes a date with the wrong person is much worse than being alone and taking this time to heal. Remember his selfishness as something that is his character flaw and not healthy for you. Focus now on YOU! Tell yourself you are fabulous and he is working on his illness, for that is what Alcoholism is is an illness ( being raised by 2 alcoholic parents and having an alcoholic husband). Alcoholics cannot take ownership and will always place blame. Also, nothing is bigger than the bottle and the disease. Accept it is over and you are moving on. NC, don't think about getting back together, forget about a future and find someone that wants to know how "you" are, how is your day. You deserve to be true to yourself. Move on now. It is time Link to comment
ladyjp Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I have posted the break up ( that I initiated and he enforced) and then NC. It has been 5 weeks almost 6. During that time no more than 5 days have ever gone by that he didn't text or call saying something. Now he has met a new girl and seems to be pretty into her. However, he has text me when he has been with her or when he got home from being with her. Last week we had lunch and he said he still cared for me and loved me an wanted to see me but he wanted to see where things went with her. Said she was "fun" and with me I mess up his head and he can't get that wrapped up in me again. We spent the whole day together and hugged and gave each other a few kisses. I told him I just couldn't see him if he was gonna see her. Then VDay he text me Happy VDay. I wait til Sunday night to respond and we start texting again. Monday of this week we text all day talking about our relationship and his relationship with her. He is still really really angry for my joining an online dating service when we broke up and said " you want me to quit seeing her but you are still on the dating service. I told him I would get off of it if he would end it with her. He said he wanted to see where it went with her and just couldn't get all in love and his head messed up again with me. Later that night I text him and said if he wanted to be with her fine and as long as he was okay with the fact I would be dating whomever I wanted to we could see each other if we both wanted to. He responded by asking me if I would think of him if I slept with someone else. I asked him if he thought of me when he did with her and he said yes. We text all evening Monday night and last text was late and I text him good nite. He text back good night. We never talked about my text and if he wanted to have me date who I wanted too and see each other just his response about worried if I would think of him if I did. Yesterday morning I text him and asked him what he thought about it- if he was okay with me seeing other people and he could see her and if we wanted we would see each other. No response and no response today. I am lost. What is he trying to say? He wont really allow me to move on as evertime I go to NC he starts texting. Then when I say okay see her and I will date too he gets all freaked out wanting to know if I will think of him if I sleep with someone else. I don't know what he expects from me. I am sad but moreso just confused. Anyone had this happen __________________ "Never Make someone a Priority that only makes you an option" jp Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Pff, I'm sure my ex had a lot of time to plan this romantic trip since he was promising how much he loved me and not this girl just 1 week before I found out about it. I'm not even going over and questioning what the heck is in his mind but my post is old and I didn't see him. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 jfpieron - Implement NC! If he's with somebody else so soon, honestly, just let him go for a bit. Link to comment
ladyjp Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 jfpieron - Implement NC! If he's with somebody else so soon, honestly, just let him go for a bit. Brazil Thanks! I think I have to let him go and do NC just for my peace of mind. If I don't talk to him I kind of feel okay. But hearing his voice or text just makes me think of him and "her" "together". BTW- I have a date with a real hottie 2nite! Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I really do NOT find dates so quickly. I'm incredibly picky! But tomorrow night I'm going out with 2 friends and one of them is taking a very cute guy that has an interest on me. It's not a date, it's a group-hang, but I mean, with possible potential!! I'm thinking about my NC and how it's forced. I mean I would tottally do it for myself too, but my ex was pretty harsh about me not calling him even though he kept saying please call me if you need me. But then when we argue he's like "don't call me", I mean, what the hell? That's just rude! Link to comment
ladyjp Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I really do NOT find dates so quickly. I'm incredibly picky! But tomorrow night I'm going out with 2 friends and one of them is taking a very cute guy that has an interest on me. It's not a date, it's a group-hang, but I mean, with possible potential!! I'm thinking about my NC and how it's forced. I mean I would tottally do it for myself too, but my ex was pretty harsh about me not calling him even though he kept saying please call me if you need me. But then when we argue he's like "don't call me", I mean, what the hell? That's just rude! Brazil- I hope this cute guy is something that just takes you by surprise and you say " hell ya! Have fun with it and enjoy! And yes, the "don't call " when your gy is mad is SO rude! Well, would you expext less he dumps her then you then flips the script like "he" is mad with you. Pleease! Link to comment
penelope13 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I'm thinking about my NC and how it's forced. I mean I would tottally do it for myself too, but my ex was pretty harsh about me not calling him even though he kept saying please call me if you need me. But then when we argue he's like "don't call me", I mean, what the hell? That's just rude! Brazilgirl, I hope you will soon reach the point where you write: i AM doing NC for myself, instead of what you have typed. About the underlined part. There are only a few possibilities here. a) he really doesn't want to hear from you, but he still wants to be a hero in your eyes to boost his ego, so he offers to sacrifice his need for NC if you need rescuing b) he is totally oblivious that by offering to be there for you he is just making it more difficult for you to move on c) he is afraid of getting hurt, so he is going for the girl with less baggage while keeping his options open d) he does not have the courage to directly tell you that he wants you out of his life for now. I think it's quite pathetic, cruel, and selfish of people who have clearly decided to move on from one relationship to keep saying to the ex that they still have feelings. As long as they are not willing to act on those feelings, those feelings (if real) are better kept to themselves, because it will only confuse the ex and make them incapable of moving on Link to comment
RobD70 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 DO NOT respond to his texts anymore and if he calls let it go to voice mail. Don't be available to him and make him be afraid of you dating. Also stop all relationship talks and stop asking him questions (stop talking period). Those are big no noes. Ignore him and block him if you can. Looking at what you wrote, all you did was boost his ego and assured him you weren't going anywhere. It easy to date if there's someone waiting to catch you if it fails. He's keeping you as a safety net which is enabling him to pursue other women. The balls in his court. He has to come to you and he wont do that until you start running away and rejecting him. Ignore him for a couple of weeks and he'll come banging down your door. Link to comment
ladyjp Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 DO NOT respond to his texts anymore and if he calls let it go to voice mail. Don't be available to him and make him be afraid of you dating. Also stop all relationship talks and stop asking him questions (stop talking period). Those are big no noes. Ignore him and block him if you can. Looking at what you wrote, all you did was boost his ego and assured him you weren't going anywhere. It easy to date if there's someone waiting to catch you if it fails. He's keeping you as a safety net which is enabling him to pursue other women. The balls in his court. He has to come to you and he wont do that until you start running away and rejecting him. Ignore him for a couple of weeks and he'll come banging down your door. RobD70- Thank You! it is nice to hear a man's opinion ( not that I don't cherish every female one I get). I can't believe I have let him push me this far. I am usually so strong but he has just threw in the hook and reeled me in. So, if he texts say nothing? Also, he is supposed to come over to my new house March 3 to put in some electrical outlets for me- Should I just tell him I don't need him to if he asks about it? Link to comment
and again Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 day blah blah not to bad lot of work crap going on, seems like a lot up in air when i could do with some stability, down momments over ex , other times ok, wondering why when she sent dump letter she, didnt want me to contct her, had her head gone with life in genral, or did she purely not want to speak to me again, strange when we could still talk ok and kind of laugh, to cut someone dead . Dont think i`ll still ever work her out, 5 out of 10 Link to comment
Sunkist09 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I am too prideful to contact my ex. I refuse to give him more ups on me. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Nights are SO incredibly tough! Link to comment
Sev Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Day 8 Has been another bad day, saw her at work, blanked each other, then i had to email her at work for something unavoidably work related so i await the reply tomorrow, i guess it will just stay work related though. Want her back so bad and on the other hand i really dont. I hate being this split down the middle! I just hope it starts to get easier soon, since day 6 its been getting worse! Oh well roll on day 9, i wont break nc though, im not starting again! (work related isnt classed as breaking as long as i just stick to work stuff!) (and its over work email so not even going to see her!) Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I'm done with Day 2 and I hope it get's better next week. It's my second attempt at NC, the first time, I got till Day 9. This time, I'm getting to 30. Although it hurts SO much. Link to comment
longdist Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I'm at day 21 of NC, and things are starting to get a lot easier. I never thought things would get easier. Anyhow, I've come to terms with my mistakes and by shortcomings. I've begun to see the relationship from another perspective. I would still love to give it a second shot and still love my ex, but I think I'm ready to start moving on. I doubt I can comfortably date someone else until at least a year has gone by, but the pain is at least starting to subside. However, I'm thinking about breaking NC based on the post: I think I have also come to terms with everything to the point where I'd be ready for rejection if we spoke. I'll probably at least give it another week in case I revert back to the pain and find that I need more time. Link to comment
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