THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[lauramed]

I think mornings are the worse. The first thought that comes into my head is "he's gone" and then it's hard to breath. I hate Fridays and while I don't know if he's seeing anyone...my head goes to that place just wondering about it. I'm having a hard time today trying not to break NC. Today I just feel as though I need to call him...just don't know if he'll respond and maybe that's what I need to finally move on. I don't want to live with regrets somewhere down the road and wondering about the "what ifs" for not trying to reach out to him. Of course I put it in my head that the reason he hasn't called is because the last time I saw him (4 weeks ago) I was with a male friend of mine and maybe he thinks that I have moved on. If he is thinking that he would never call because his stupid pride would get in the way.

[BrokenheartUK]

I really don't want him to think I'm unstable and that's the reason he will never get back with me.

 

The only way you can show him you can be 'stable' is to keep with the NC, heal and improve yourself. Then when he sees you again it will be obvious that you're the strong person he always knew you were.

[brazilgirl21]

Broken - Thank you SO much for your reply! I agree 110%. I wished I could have shown this before, but it was TOO much when I found out he was going with this other girl SO soon. I needed to vent to him then, and wasn't ready for NC you know?

 

I'm just scared that it's TOO late and he already think I'm too unstable.

 

In any case, I need to do NC and heal for my own good!

[longdist]

BG, just keep in mind that he was there before. I think he'll understand your instability. Believe me when I tell you that NC helps take away the pain, but you have to get over the initial 2 week hump, I think before you can start healing.

 

I also think it is important to let your ex know what you want them to know before you go NC. That may just be my opinion, but as your doing NC, you'll realize that everything you want to say, you've already said.

[brazilgirl21]

Exactly, I told him a lot already, and after my emotional breakdown on the phone, where I cried and etc... he texted me saying I was strong and would get over it, no matter how much I was hurting, and I said:

"I know everything will be perfect, thanks for believing in me. I agree that in a few months we will look back at this and be able to laugh about the drama. Take care, I'll be alright".

 

So, in a sense, my last words before NC were "I'm going to be alright". I just have to prove this to him by keeping NC (AND I WILL) and being upbeat and happy when I see him next.

 

Do you think it was a good way to start NC?

[BrokenheartUK]

Broken - Thank you SO much for your reply! I agree 110%. I wished I could have shown this before, but it was TOO much when I found out he was going with this other girl SO soon. I needed to vent to him then, and wasn't ready for NC you know?

 

I'm just scared that it's TOO late and he already think I'm too unstable.

 

In any case, I need to do NC and heal for my own good!

 

You're welcome. Don't beat yourself up about being unstable before, we all did it - me included! I was a snivelling mess to my ex on more than one occasion when I was trying to get her back, I look back now and can't believe how much I lost my self-respect.

 

As I said, the only way we can show our exes we aren't the pathetic messes they saw us as is to keep to NC, grow stronger and find happiness without them. It's not really the right way to think about it, but I almost approach my NC with an "I'll show you" mentality

[BrokenheartUK]

So, in a sense, my last words before NC were "I'm going to be alright". I just have to prove this to him by keeping NC (AND I WILL) and being upbeat and happy when I see him next.

 

Do you think it was a good way to start NC?

 

I think so, yes. I really think it's important to start NC with some good 'last words' to your ex - perhaps they make a difference, perhaps not. I've always been a big one for important goodbyes.

 

My last words to my ex were "Be happy", I've had NC since and I'm pleased I ended it with that sentiment instead of words spoken in anger or jealousy (both of which I was feeling at the time).

[Sunkist09]

difficult. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I don't have much time left. I'm not suicidal and I'm in perfect health, but I still feel as if I'm dying. Headaches and stomaches caused by the stress...I just sit and close my eyes thinking it is the last shut eye...but I always wake up. It hurts.

 

I gotta realize that this is all in my mind. In my mind.

 

John,

It feels like that the first two weeks. Trust me, after a month, you'll feel alot better. It gets better.

[hopeful1234]

My boyfriend (now technically "friend") and I had been together for 13 months. We both have been divorced and have custody of our kids. We both introduced each other to each of our families, I spent Thanksgiving with him at his mom's house, he bought Christmas gifts for my kids and I bought for his. He wanted me to spend Christmas with him and his family, but I already had plans, so I declined. On Jan. 4 I told him that I loved him. He did not say it back. He continued to hang around with me at my place for about an hour and was getting ready to go at his normal time and he said that he would call me later. When he got home, he called me to let me know that he got home okay, which is something that he has never done before - he usually asks me to call him when I get home to make sure that I got home okay, but not the other way around. He called me the next day and had our usual nightly conversation. Then he did not call me for 2 days. Had usual convo at night (he normally would call me every night at the same time). Then 4 days after that, he calls, but at 5 p.m. rather than our usual night call. He told me that he would call me later that night, but he never did. Then 5 days passed and nothing. I sent an email to him saying that I felt that something was different. He sent me an email saying that we needed to talk because after I told him I loved him, he did some thinking and said that he is not looking for that kind of relationship right now. We were not dating anyone else (I know this as a fact because he has custody of his two kids and he is the brother of one of my friends and he is always with his family and his brother confirms that). We had a phone convo the following Tuesday (about 3 weeks after I said the three words) and we ended it with agreeing to be friends for right now because he has a lot to deal with. He said that he cannot say right now whether or not there is hope for us in the future, but he does not want to date anyone else right now either because he wants to focus on his kids, who are currently dealing with issues. I want him in my life and am willing to be friends with him, but I do wish for us to eventually get back together. I know that he needs his space and I am willing to give it to him. I know that there is a possibility that it is over and that there may not be a chance for us in the future, but I don't want to totally close the door either.

 

The last time that I talked to him was 10 days ago. He called me because he saw that I had called. We have not phoned each other, emailed or texted since. There is a party on this Sunday that I already committed myself to prior to all of this - it is a surprise b-day party for my friend who is dating my "friend's" brother. thereforee, most likely he will also be there. I am okay with that. I have decided that I will not be the one to approach him. If he wants to approach me, I will be cordial, etc. Once the party is over, I will continue with my NC. Would I be breaking the rules by going to this party? I was friends with my girlfriend before I started dating him, so if I don't go, then it would appear to be a slight to her. I also feel that if I don't show up that it will appear that I am angry, vengeful, etc. and I am not. I'm just going to be my old fun loving self.

[wiley]

Well I saw her today. I had to get some money off her. I didn't stay very long and I was talking to our old house mate more than her.

 

I don't know why but when I go round there she always makes sure her new BF is there. Or maybe he makes sure he's there.

 

I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would after, which i'm quite surprised at! And yes I told her I had met someone new (I haven't) and she asked if she was prettier than her..... Was she trying to get an ego boost?

 

I have had so much anger inside me for the past 2 weeks or so, and I don't know why. I think i'm just mad at her for throwing it all away and getting with someone else so soon I think. Back to NC.

[brazilgirl21]

I think it's so amazing how we are all here because of a similar pain. All ages, all races, all nationalities.

 

Anyways, Day 4, probably hardest day yet. I just can't concentrate in anything else today. Work is slow and I just want to go home. I'm flying home tonight and terrified to see him in the airport with her or his friends or whoever.

I want to go home and do other things and get my mind off things. Then, when I get back to work on thursday, it will be over 10 days of NC, I'll finally be past the 10-day mark, and things might get easier.

I'm hoping to be able to enjoy Carnaval, but it's likely I won't. Too early for me to be partying. I really hope I can enjoy myself, and maybe even find someone there and fall in love. I know it's not likely, but I really want to move on.

 

I just want to get over with Carnaval. I know everything will remind me of him.

[Sunkist09]

We had a phone convo the following Tuesday (about 3 weeks after I said the three words) and we ended it with agreeing to be friends for right now because he has a lot to deal with. He said that he cannot say right now whether or not there is hope for us in the future, but he does not want to date anyone else right now either because he wants to focus on his kids, who are currently dealing with issues..

 

He has committment issues. Just ignore him and let him sort it out.

[Sunkist09]

I don't know about you ladies, but im partying it up every weekend... and it's soo fun. You should go out and have some fun...dont stay home... I get excited for the weekend because I get to go clubbing!

[lauramed]

I've also been going out every weekend and having a lot of fun....of course he's still in my head. I just wish he was hanging out in the places that I've been going so he could see how much fun and attention I've been getting. That in itself would help ease the pain a lot.

[brazilgirl21]

I hear ya girls. I've been going out every night in the weekends as well. However, the weeks and the work day are horrible. And at the same time, I go out at night and I think, "gosh, this is really what I craved? What I dumped my ex for?" and feel pathetic and shallow.

 

I just really want to see him as well, but I know he's been avoiding any place I'd go with his new girl.

 

March 21rst, however, we will be at this same big grad party. It's what keeps me going and specially hat keeps me NC. It will be such a horrible yet exciting day. I will look my best, I will have fun, I wonder how he will react, I will finally see his new girl, ugh, I'm just excited.

 

However, I have 4 weeks before that date and SO much can happen, hopefully I'll be in a place where "seeing him even though he's with his new girl" isn't the most exciting event of my life.

 

*massage time at the office. just what I need. 30 mins of relaxation.

[Johnathan]

 

This tip may only work for guys but going out meeting/flirting with new people helps.

what if that isn't possible?

[brazilgirl21]

Why wouldn't it be possible? it's really the best option, IMO. It's easier to be a guy.

[BrokenheartUK]

I'm hoping to be able to enjoy Carnaval, but it's likely I won't. Too early for me to be partying. I really hope I can enjoy myself, and maybe even find someone there and fall in love. I know it's not likely, but I really want to move on.

 

I don't think this is what you really want to happen. It won't help you forget your ex, I think you should take some time away from relationships to heal properly before getting involved with someone else.

 

Sorry if that came accross a bit Holier-Than-Thou but I think the last thing you need right now is another relationship, it wouldn't be fair on the poor guy if you still have feelings for your ex.

[Johnathan]

Why wouldn't it be possible? it's really the best option, IMO. It's easier to be a guy.

 

I think its easier to be the girl in that situation...

[brazilgirl21]

I'm so mad at the pain my ex is causing me that seriously, if a new guy came along I'd probably settle and be happy with him.

Today is the worse day so far. I cannot think about anything else other than the fact he's travelling with her today, tomorrow, or whichever date it is. Ugh. I feel SICK to my stomach. I just want to sleep.

[BrokenheartUK]

I'm so mad at the pain my ex is causing me that seriously, if a new guy came along I'd probably settle and be happy with him.

 

It gets easier - another man is NOT the answer. You would not be happy with another man, listen to your heart for a moment.

 

I think about my ex and her new man constantly, but in the end it does me no good and the thoughts only bring me pain. Thinking about them won't stop them doing whatever it is they do together, I have no control whatsoever over her life anymore. None. She can do what she likes. Does realising this make me stop having these fantasises? No, especially at the weekend, like today. I've thought about my ex and her new man together at least twice in the past half hour. But ultimately, what is the point? Will it stop them kissing? Cuddling up on the sofa to watch TV? Having sex later tonight? No. The best I can do is plow on with things and try not to let those thoughts in.

 

Just remember - thinking about your ex and what he's doing will do you no good and will not change the fact that he is with someone else. I know exactly what you're going through as I am going through the same, I just wanted to tell you that it does get easier over the next couple of weeks.

 

A trick I've taught myself is to remember that my ex is doing only what comes naturally to her, what I would do in her situation if the roles were reversed and I had a new girlfriend. I remember back to how I felt when we were in our 'honeymoon period' and imagine that she's doing what we used to do, only with someone else. I replace myself in the fantasy with some faceless guy - her new man. For some reason, the fact that the fantasy is something I've 'already done' with her makes it easier to accept. It's weird, I can't explain it. Does anyone else do this?

[lauramed]

No....I don't even want to imagine him with another woman. I'm just so glad that I don't know if he's seeing someone else. That would be harder to deal with.

[brazilgirl21]

Not really, the ONLY thing that makes me feel better is thinking that maybe after a period of NC, my ex will see me and realize that no matter how hard he tries, he can't really replace me. That he will look at me and realize he misses me.

However, then I think about what then?

I'm not going to be able to trust his feelings for me anymore, so what would change? I would have to chase him again? To risk getting heartbroken again?

 

I just hope that when that time comes (if it does), I will be strong enough to stick to NC and not cave in and put myself out there again.

 

About someone else, my ex said he ONLY got over me when he met and tried with someone new. He said that's the only thing that helped. And I know it's the only reason why we are not together. Because of this other person. thereforee, if I meet someone new, I might not go back to him if he ever has "second guesses about his feelings".

 

However, I'm in such a dark place right now that I can't even be fun or energetic to meet anyone else, so it's not like it would help anyways.

[lauramed]

I know it's a tough place to be in. There are times that I don't even feel like going out, but the other option is to stay home and wallow in my pain. So, I go put a smile on my face and before you know it I'm having a good time. It will get easier for you, just remember that.

[TLguy]

Im on day 3 of my new NC. Going good. Im thinking now if me ex contacted me asked to be friends or something along those lines Id definitely say no.

 

Im starting to question what the hell I was thinking staying with her for so long knowing it was going to end like it did one way or another. But thats love isnt it?