THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[montgomery]

today's not such a good day.

 

had a date with a perfectly nice girl last night. had a few dates, actually, including one girl I've seen a few times, but I can't muster the slightest bit of enthusiasm for any of them. I thought going cold turkey would help with this, but everyone I meet reminds me of the chemistry that I had with my ex, and how I haven't felt anything like it since (or often before). I feel like I'm mucking people about, too, which is the last thing I want.

 

I'm at the point where I think I'd do anything to get her back, whatever it takes, but I KNOW that whatever I do, it'll fall flat on its face. I've tried it all. I'm sure doing nothing is the right way to go, but I just wish I could get to the point where I'm fine with it, where I'm not having to physically restrain myself from calling her, emailing her, whatever. I've forgotten what it feels like to be relaxed and calm, and like I'm overreacting hugely; but I can't help it.

 

I knew it'd be a problem with us working together, right from the start, but walking past her in the corridor and catching the perfume of her hair feels like I'm right back to square one, like we were still together yesterday rather than weeks or months ago, like it's still fresh as a daisy.

 

I can tell she wants to talk, too, but she's so stubborn, I'm not sure she will.

 

what a bleedin' mess.

 

hope you chaps are all fine & dandy.

[millionaire1]

Day 13 for me.

 

I went skating with a couple of friends Friday night. It was a lot of fun. It helped take my mind off of things. I'm feeling better than I have been. But I still think of him quite often. It hurts and confuses me as to why he hasn't tried contacting me, telling me he wants to talk or he misses me. I don't understand how he can just walk away like that as I was supposedly the best girl he's ever been with.

 

He was sending me forwarded email, and he stopped sending them last Tuesday. I guess since I'm not responding to him in any way, he decided not to send me any more forwards. I really wish I knew what he was thinking. I would feel so much better to know if he missed me and thinks about me. I really wish it didn't end the way it did. People are telling me that I should be thankful that it ended, but that's so hard to see because all I can see and feel right now is Rejection!!! I feel so rejected and that hurts.

 

It's making me feel like I was a terrible girlfriend when I know I wasn't. I started complaining more but it was only because he wasn't responding to me the way he used to. If you tell someone you miss them, or you can't wait to see them, it's only natural to want to hear it back. That plus other things cause me to start complaining more and more but I should have handled my emotions better than that.

[millionaire1]

Why isn't it good to contact someone that dumped you?

 

Can someone tell me why it's not good to contact your ex if you want them back? Because I'm feeling like if I do, he might be missing me too and just waiting on me, and then we can talk and maybe make up. I'm thinking that he wants me to initiate us getting back together.

 

He has a lot of ego, and maybe I need to be the one that contact him to get things patched up again. Please someone help and let me know if this is a good idea or not. Thanks.

[Robert013]

Why isn't it good to contact someone that dumped you?

 

Can someone tell me why it's not good to contact your ex if you want them back? Because I'm feeling like if I do, he might be missing me too and just waiting on me, and then we can talk and maybe make up. I'm thinking that he wants me to initiate us getting back together.

 

He has a lot of ego, and maybe I need to be the one that contact him to get things patched up again. Please someone help and let me know if this is a good idea or not. Thanks.

 

Because if he wanted you back then he would contact you and say he wants you back. Also you will apear needy and desperate. It will look like your begging. Would you want to get back with someone who is begging? No That is why you must stay NC. You will begin to heal and if he comes back you will be in a better place to make your decision. Don't put all your hope into him coming back focus on yourself and not your ex.

[millionaire1]

Just trying to get some understanding.

But in my mind if I dumped someone for whatever reasons, I'd expect them to come begging for me back. That's why I'm wondering if I should go to him and initiate us getting back together.

[Robert013]

Just trying to get some understanding.

But in my mind if I dumped someone for whatever reasons, I'd expect them to come begging for me back. That's why I'm wondering if I should go to him and initiate us getting back together.

 

Exactly are you everyone else? No do the unexpected by not going and begging for him back. You are different and special let him realize it.

[millionaire1]

Exactly are you everyone else? No do the unexpected by not going and begging for him back. You are different and special let him realize it.

 

hmm....

didn't think of it that way. Well, you don't think that I will lose my chance by keeping up with this NC thing? Like, maybe in his mind he's thinking that I really moved on and didn't really care, and so now he's going to move on?

[thedude27]

hmm....

didn't think of it that way. Well, you don't think that I will lose my chance by keeping up with this NC thing? Like, maybe in his mind he's thinking that I really moved on and didn't really care, and so now he's going to move on?

 

 

He dumped you, so right now he feels like he doesnt want to be with you, thats why contacting someone after the breakup doesnt work. They got to the point they dont want you so convincing them at that point is not going to be very effective. Its the worst possible time to try to get back. Also you are very likely to give in to things that you normally wouldnt because you are upset from the rejection. Most ppl on here try this route first, and well..they are still here right? So it didnt work too well.

 

So no you arent missing out on your chance to be with him. From what you said in the first few posts it sounds like you had a few negatiaves about him anyways. You need to step away from the situation so the "missing him feeling" isnt what is driving your decision process and you make good decisions.

[millionaire1]

thanks robert013 and thedude27 so much for clearing it for me!

This is tough. I so much want to see him and be in his arms. I think one of the toughest things for me to deal with is the abandonment and rejection. Plus I miss the comfort of the relationship, the attention, and the affection. He was very affectionate.

[thedude27]

lol ok this is kinda funny... I went and counted and well...its been 31 days. I'm shocked, the last time I made it to 29 it felt like a century passed. This time I totally missed day 30 lol.

 

Anyways day 31,

 

Still would like her to come back but I think the intensity is less. When I look back on how unbelieveably hard it was 4months ago or even 1 month I cant believe I am to this point. Do I still have bad days, sure. I still cry evey once in a while over her but I think my addiction to her (and clearly I was addicted) is breaking. I still look back on us and want it to work, it still seems really unfortunated that it didnt. I know I would make her happier than anyone else she will ever meet, I dont have any doubt. I've already exceeded any relationship she has ever had and I know I made a big difference in her life for the positive. If I hadnt come along she would probably still be in an abusive relationship today. So even tho I'm sad we arent together, what we had was something worthwhile and special.

 

 

 

I'm glad we found each other. We had a great time together and in general things were really positive, how can I be mad about that? I hope I keep this feeling, its a good one.

[millionaire1]

Still would like her to come back but I think the intensity is less. When I look back on how unbelieveably hard it was 4months ago or even 1 month I cant believe I am to this point. Do I still have bad days, sure. I still cry evey once in a while over her but I think my addiction to her (and clearly I was addicted) is breaking. I still look back on us and want it to work, it still seems really unfortunated that it didnt. I know I would make her happier than anyone else she will ever meet, I dont have any doubt. I've already exceeded any relationship she has ever had and I know I made a big difference in her life for the positive.

 

wow! so did she leave you or the other way around? Has she contacted you at all about missing you or wanting to see you?

[Mhaira]

The past few days have been hard. I feel as though I am back at day 1, but don't know why. Nothing has happened to set this off, so I suppose it's just some kind of cyclical thing.

[jennamajig]

Day 22. I had to get out a calendar and count. I will hit day 30 the day I am heading home to my family for a nice long holiday. Ironic huh? I will hold my head high that day no matter what.

 

Me? I'm okay right now. I don't know if I am good, but I'm okay. I take that and just accept it. I did another psychic reading with a different online psychic for kicks. This one told me that my ex is done. That he needs to grow up and he can't do it with me. A fair assessment. I was also told I will get married and start a family within the next two years. And that I will meet a new person probably over the next few weeks with the letter J and he will have big brown eyes and a huge laugh and make me happy. Also, I will move within the next year, somewhere closer to my family. And there I will be happier than I have been in my life.

 

That all sounds nice...who knows? Nice to think of a happier future right? I know that happier days will be ahead, no matter what exactly they bring. I just need to be patient and patience was a virtue I was never blessed with.

[thedude27]

wow! so did she leave you or the other way around? Has she contacted you at all about missing you or wanting to see you?

 

She left me, actually let me rephrase that, she dated someone (long time ex ex ex from way back) when we were together effectively ending us. I begged for 2 weeks then I officially ended it, we were together 8 years. It was unbelieveably painfull. I've had plenty of relationship and while I have been sad about a few of them this one devastated me.

 

We talked on a few occastions since then, she is very determined to get what she wants and she thinks this new guy could be that so no, she has not contacted me. (well she made a work related call to ask me to help her). She has never been the type to reach out (making this even more difficult for me to NC her) and she is very stubborn. I can tell you that every time we talked I made it worse and pushed her further away. If I end up still wanting her after all this NC i know that I have made the best odds for myself by doing what I finally did. I wish I would have done this from the beginning I think it would have increased my odds even more. Even more than that its more respectful to her to honor what she is showing me she wants, which is no contact.

 

I do love her and want her to be happy. If she is happy without me (despite what I may think) thats got to be good enough for me. She has a hard time telling me no especially when we are in front of each other. I think that is part of the reason she doesnt want to contact me. She probably has a lot of guilt over what happened as well. In theory I believe she wishes me the best(I'm sure that is heartfelt). I think that if we were to start talking again and I showed her I was actually happy it would upset her quite a bit because we have been a part of each others lives and without any doubt we loved one another very much. That did obviously fade at the end due to some things we both did wrong but it was very strong for most of the relationship.

[thedude27]

hmm....

didn't think of it that way. Well, you don't think that I will lose my chance by keeping up with this NC thing? Like, maybe in his mind he's thinking that I really moved on and didn't really care, and so now he's going to move on?

 

Go read this thread if you have doubts about if pulling back is going to help or hurt everyone that has posted to it that have had successful (so far) reconcilations (as of now) said they took some time away.

 

 

[millionaire1]

I begged for 2 weeks then I officially ended it, we were together 8 years. It was unbelieveably painfull. I've had plenty of relationship and while I have been sad about a few of them this one devastated me.

 

Wow! 8 years?!!! Wow! that's gotta suck! sorry to hear that. Sounds like she's missing out on someone good. Well, I guess all we can do is like you said, respect the person's wishes and just accept it for what it is. Let go of the control and let time take it's course. It's difficult and hurts, and sometimes feels like it's not fair, but, we can't control others and what happens in this life. The only one we can control is ourselves. We can't make people love or want us, they have to do it for themselves. Well, hang in there and trust that time will get us to a place of happiness and confidence again.

[millionaire1]

Go read this thread if you have doubts about if pulling back is going to help or hurt everyone that has posted to it that have had successful (so far) reconcilations (as of now) said they took some time away.

 

]

 

thanks for the link. i read it and see how time plays a big role

[Robert013]

Feeling okay today. Ready to go rock the gym to release some steam. Stoped counting days. Ex still trying to contact pissing me off a bit but motivates my workouts so it is positive for me now.

 

Met a beautiful women this weekend ego boost for sure. She was in to me but later found out she had a boyfriend. Still got her number because I could be friends with her no problem. She invited me to her hometown to hang.

 

Flirted with another women on friday she was very atractive. Did this eye contact/ body language thing from accross the bar. She was into it and was smiling and then she couldn't keep her eyes of me. Flicking her hair, looking at me over her shoulder. Confidence is coming back my friends look out.

 

Another women draged me onto the dance floor out of no where after we were done dancing talked with her for an hour. She was nice but I am not ready for anything but casual dates and flirting right now.

 

Read about 100 pages yesterday good book "water for elephants" by Sarah Gruen.

 

Son and I had a checkers tournament that somehow turned into a nerf dart tournament don't ask.

 

Things are getting better. Soon i will be my old self just improved of course.

 

Stay strong everyone things will get better.

[thedude27]

Wow! 8 years?!!! Wow! that's gotta suck! sorry to hear that. Sounds like she's missing out on someone good. Well, I guess all we can do is like you said, respect the person's wishes and just accept it for what it is. Let go of the control and let time take it's course. It's difficult and hurts, and sometimes feels like it's not fair, but, we can't control others and what happens in this life. The only one we can control is ourselves. We can't make people love or want us, they have to do it for themselves. Well, hang in there and trust that time will get us to a place of happiness and confidence again.

 

 

Yea it has been hard. I know I'll be fine, I have plenty of confidence but certainly I do miss her.

[thedude27]

Looks like you continue to do well Robert. I wonder if she ever plans on giving up on bugging you constantly? I guess since your ex didnt go thought the healing process yet there are still a lot of intesne feelings to get over. Sounds like you are just aggrivated with her, at this point. It also sounds like you are starting to have fun with being single

[Robert013]

Looks like you continue to do well Robert. I wonder if she ever plans on giving up on bugging you constantly? I guess since your ex didnt go thought the healing process yet there are still a lot of intesne feelings to get over. Sounds like you are just aggrivated with her, at this point. It also sounds like you are starting to have fun with being single

 

 

Yes i am single that is for sure and it is starting to be fun. I still miss some perks of my old relationship, but obviously so does my ex otherwise she would not bother me.

 

I don't think she can stand to be ignored by me. I don't think she will give up on trying to contact me for a while. We were together 7 years and like you said she has not gone through the healing process yet. like many people say if the feelings are there you can't just ignore them. I can't give up on my healing to make her feel better. NC is my weapon right now it is the only thing that can protect me from being hurt more than I deserve to be.

 

She will stop eventually.

[crab62]

Just trying to get some understanding.

But in my mind if I dumped someone for whatever reasons, I'd expect them to come begging for me back. That's why I'm wondering if I should go to him and initiate us getting back together.

 

contact him only if you want the pain to persist...

 

if you want to get better and move on... NC is the only way...

 

he didn't want you, he closed the door... it's awful, it's hard... but it's the truth... sorry

 

{{{HUGS}}}}

[crab62]

day 17 NC for me... I guess it's good I always have to check yesterday's post to see which NC day I'm on.

 

Had a bad time yesterday. For some reason, the grief him has been stuck in my chest these past few days. I'm feeling it's hard to breathe and I just can't get it out. So I went to this support group yesterday for divorced and separated people... (they let me in even though mine was just a break-up, that was nice)... and it helped a great deal. Seems like crying in front of people is much harder, and it feels like it has more healing. Telling your story in front of people makes it real. So I cried pretty hard and told the story... and then sat around and listened to others talk. It was good and helped a ton.

 

Then last night had some crying too... don't know why it's so heavy in my heart these last few days... but it seems the pain has moved from my gut up to my chest... crazy. It's more like a grief type feeling now as opposed to a punch in my gut like it was weeks ago.

 

So it'll be okay. I have good friends to cry to who will continue to help me stay in NC. I just can't wait for this to be over.

 

I thought of a good line last night... "I just want to get him out of my body and spirit... it's like he's infected my life, and he's not even worth that of a virus", LOL!! I thought that was funny

 

So onward I go. Buh-bye ex boyfriend... you wanted the break-up and you're getting it and I'm going to be one fine and feeling good person this coming summer!... and I'm gonna make you feel like crap when you see my hot bod on that bike... yah, you gave that up, LOSER!, LOL!! (sorry had to throw that in there)

 

Have a good day all... {{{{HUGS}}} to everyone.

[Jester1586]

Good day. I think of her a bit now and then, but it doesn't really pain me much anymore.

 

I think I'm starting to move on. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be with her, but I'm feeling a lot better.

[Robert013]

Days of NC do not matter because I know I am not fully healed yet. Counting for me is pointless because I know it is over. I said all there is to say and what is done is done. thereforee contact is pointless for me anyhow. She still wants a friendship for what reason I just cannot understand?

 

Had a good workout last night. But i am still carrying some anger with me witch sucks. I am either angry or somewhat happy lately. Never really sad but sometimes lonely. I have never experienced so many intense emotions so rapidly in my life as I have in the past 3 months. It is draining sometimes, but other times I use them to my advantage.

 

I have began to pray for my happiness, and hers everyday. I don't really know who or what I am praying to but I hope whoever or whatever it is hears me. The act alone is liberating even if i am not religious. I don't know if I truly mean it for her yet but soon and very soon I will. it is hard to want someone to be happy when they were and are the source of your intense pain and emotion. I believe it will set me free if I believe in what I am doing and praying for.

 

Did some more reading last night it really does take your mind out of the situation. I slept okay still having dreams of this women they are affecting my sleep. I want them to stop but it is out of my control so I will deal with them.

 

Smiled and said hello to a very atractive young lady at the gym. She smiled and said hello how are you? All I said was fine. I think i might have missed an oportunity, I never do that what was my problem last night? She did come and run on the treadmill right next to the one I was on after that though, so that is a good sign in my book. She was done before I was and I told her to have anice night she smiled and said you to. I take any positive interaction as a sign that I have a chance. We shall see won't we.

 

Sometimes I think I am moving to fast. Talking to every women I am atracted to or flirting with them. I haven't had a bad experience yet so I guees it is okay. I figure this is how I regain my confidence. It isn't bad right now but where it used to be is astonishing. I used to be in love with myself. Not in a conceded way I just loved who I was. I am getting that back. How can you love someone else if you do not love yourself right?

 

Well it is another day feeling a bit down, but i intend on lifting my spirits by the end of the day. Wish me luck. We will get through this my friends do not worry and do not rush it. We will love again even if it is only ourselves first.