THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[dragon lady]

Day 15 for me. Half way!!! Woohoo!

 

I'm definitely going to be focusing on other things today. I have 2 doctors appointments. One for my anxiety and one for this dreadful pain in my abdomen. I'm hoping it's not serious enough to require surgery.

 

I'm really getting tired of thinking about him. It's actually beginning to bore me.

[dragon lady]

Well Day 18 STILL and to be honest with you...

 

Depression is overwhelming me...

 

Have ran out of my prozac so that could have something to do with it too..

 

Just keep crying all the time..

 

Will get more tablets..

 

Make sure you get the tablets soon. You are probably having withdrawal symptoms from the prozac. That will make you feel like ****.

[SamT]

I want to go NC... shes messing with my head again...

[Mmt2618]

thanks so much for the response honeyspur.

 

here are my feelings - i do want to try to reconcile, but part of me knows that this relationship was broken and would take some work. honestly, on my part and hers. she was too much of my life, i was too little of hers. so she needs to put in more effort for us and i need to put in more effort for me.

 

the days are tough and i want to talk to her really bad. but am i ready? do i want to be in the position of having her dump me again by saying why don't we get back together.

 

the coat and shoes are old and ratty and definitely something that i didn't need. i think she could have out them in a bag and waited. but part of me is afraid that she is trying to rid herself of all my stuff already.

 

but why the text? an inconsequential reason to initiate contact? or her wanting to break all ties?

 

we broke up before 3 months in - i talked her into giving it some space and thought. she called after two days and said she was surprised i didn't call. all her friends had told her i would call. is it more of the same here.

 

i know i wasn't the strongest person in the world with her - she was way too much of me. i'd like to change that conception, but am worried about her thinking i hate her.

 

if this doesn't make sense, it's because none of it does in my head.

 

you all are great. i feel so much better reading these posts and being able to put out my inner most weak feelings and getting so much support.

 

thanks.

[SamT]

All i get is -

 

I "NEED" you, i "NEED" you in my life.. blahblah!

 

but then she throws things in about how shes moved on..

 

So damn selfish!!

 

I dont "NEED" this.

[Mmt2618]

Sam -

 

read my posts - what would be your advice to me?

 

that's what i would say you should do. when you take the emotions and connection out you know the right thing to do.

 

oh and if you figure out how to do that, let me know.

 

this girl sounds like poison.

[Mock Chop]

I am surprisingly relaxed about the contact I have/don't have with my ex. I have other things going on that I have to deal with, and those take priority - because it's those things that will ultimately make me a stronger, more confident person. In our last communication, I told him about my new hobby and he said I sounded really proud of it and that it was good. Not bad considering how the last time we spoke in person he said that my negativity (clinical depression, not that he knew that at the time) was really upsetting for him (but hey buddy, I didn't feel like tap dancing round the room either).

 

Yes, I've felt as if I wanted to curl up and die, and yes, I've cried too many tears over it. I love him and I miss him - I miss his company, the things we laughed about together, sitting listening to music with him. I miss all those things and I love him as a person. But I think I'm realising that what happens happens. I can't force anything. So I'm going to sit back and see how this one pans out.

 

Never thought I'd say that.

[LilBear]

That's what I always say. Exes are selfish, they only care about themselves. It's about time we care for ourselves as well. Cheers everyone~

[GetMeBack]

Today is such a bad day , thoughts of ending it all are consuming me...

[honeyspur]

Wow Mock - glad to hear this news- although I knew you'd get there Bright women always do....

 

Mmt - I think wanting contact with you could be several things - missing you, wanting to "punish" you some more with a bad attitude when you are face to face, wanting to know if you care, but not willing to mend things, not wanting to get rid of something that's yours without your permission since that is technically wrong, etc.....

Like I said, make the best decision. With your minds eye - look into the future after you've gotten your clothes. Do you think it will set you back? Do you think it's all about hope and you'll be setting yourself up for a fall? Give it thought and let us know what you think.

 

DuRuff: I'm a little confused on your intentions with sending her gifts. I know if it were me, I would be upset. Not because I didn't love the stuff, but because I wouldn't feel respected or "heard" since I was wanting to let go. It would feel like I was forced to hang on - thus being controlled. However, she is not me, so you'll just have to wait and see. I think it is breaking NC because now you've lost focus on doing other things and thinking only about YOU and YOUR progress and are waiting for this business about an inatimate object. I would start over or decide to wait on NC for now until you know she's not going to answer. Also ask yourself: did I just set myself up to get mad at her if she doesn't respond or thank me?

 

OMG dragon lady! Abdomen pain - I'm so sorry and now a bit worried....keep us posted on what happens!!

[LilBear]

Today is such a bad day , thoughts of ending it all are consuming me...

 

I woke up feeling really crappy myself. Like, REALLY REALLY CRAPPY. And then I went to uni, and get involved in my readings, and my pending assignments, laughed and joked with friends. And hours and hours later, now - I feel so much better than I initially felt this morning. You're bound to face bad days - part and parcel of getting through a break up. You'll feel better soon enough if you'd only think positive dearie. Hugs.

[DuRuffio]

DuRuff: I'm a little confused on your intentions with sending her gifts. I know if it were me, I would be upset. Not because I didn't love the stuff, but because I wouldn't feel respected or "heard" since I was wanting to let go. It would feel like I was forced to hang on - thus being controlled. However, she is not me, so you'll just have to wait and see. I think it is breaking NC because now you've lost focus on doing other things and thinking only about YOU and YOUR progress and are waiting for this business about an inatimate object. I would start over or decide to wait on NC for now until you know she's not going to answer. Also ask yourself: did I just set myself up to get mad at her if she doesn't respond or thank me?

 

Yikes, I hope that she doesn't interpret it as me trying to "control" the situation. I hope, given the context (I ordered it pre-breakup, it arrived post-breakup, I couldn't return it), she'll just see it as a nice gesture...but that could be hoping for too much. You're right, though - it has sort of caused me to lose focus, and that probably means it was a bad call. I suppose I could have just given it away to someone in town, instead. Looking at it from her point of view, I can definitely see how it might be taken the wrong way - but, again, hopefully it's not taken negatively.

 

I won't get mad at her if she doesn't respond or contact me - it would probably be a good thing if she didn't.

 

Ahhh...starting the counter back at 0.

[SamT]

Sam -

 

read my posts - what would be your advice to me?

 

that's what i would say you should do. when you take the emotions and connection out you know the right thing to do.

 

oh and if you figure out how to do that, let me know.

 

this girl sounds like poison.

 

Ive read your posts..seems like your in the same sort of situation as me, she contacts me everytime i try NC. Seems like they want us to move on, but cant help getting their emotions in the way.

Do you think her texting you was a way to open a window of some communication? I dont think her getting rid of your stuff is a way to forget about you. Ive thought like that before, until i found some clarity here at ENA...She gave me everything back, excluding all my gifts. Ive realised i had nothing to give back to her, which made me realise how much i put into the relationship, and just like you if anything happened id rather things change.

 

How far is her school/CA away from you? Would you be comfortable with a long distance relationship? I think you have to respect her reasons, and at the same time show your strength and to support her decision.

 

NC is a good thing - it helps yourself get centered, and youll find your Self Love (thnx honey

 

If youd like to talk more, your welcome to PM me!

 

 

P.S. shes not poison lol. just confused and emotional!

[Mmt2618]

so i walked to work this morning - took about 45 minutes. beautiful weather. i normally listen to my ipod, but took it out and just thought about me and what i want the whole way. especially with regards to the gf

 

here's what i came up with --

 

the reason i am worried about responding to her text (when/what/how) is that i want to get back with her

 

but seeing her - will probably only make me feel worse, unless she wants to get back together. which i think is not really going to happen given her circumstances.

 

so i am waivering between responding and not because i don't want to blow a shot at getting back together

 

but a big part of our problems was too much me giving and being and too little of her doing the same.

 

so i am going between maybe this is a shot at reconciliation and if not, a definite set back.

[SamT]

The beautiful weather helps doesnt it lol

 

Ive been in the situation you have many times over the last month.. Itll give you a short term release from the pain - when you see her.. but when it comes to your goodbye - itll all come rushing back

try to avoid situations that make you go up and down...thats one thing ive learnt recently. If you do reply, and do see her, stay strong...

 

You could say "ill always love you and ill miss you etc." She'll feel the same, even if she doesnt reply.

 

Take a breather when you leave, and stay strong!

[honeyspur]

Wow - listen to Sam and the brilliance he's saying - I'm loving this attitude - you are right and on so many levels!! And in a matter of days no less!!

 

Mmt - the clarity I hear in your post is like night and day compared to yesterday! Just a walk was all it took. Wonderful breaththrough day for people!! Wish we could all go out to dinner and celebrate!!!

[Irish Jax]

Yay Day 17!!!!

 

Although I am feeling better each day, I do look forward to the day I am completely healed, where I do not think of him. Usually, how I work, is one day I just wake up and feel so much better and my ex no longer matters. Well, that day has yet to arrive. I do miss him, but that is slowly slipping away as I look back and realized how unfairly I had been treated. I know his feelings for me were strong, but he was just an immature selfish boy who did not consider my feelings through the relationship.

 

As I look back, everything was based on what he wanted at the time despite what was going on with me. I have always supported him and never complained. That selfish part of him will be the part that contacts me one day, only because I make him feel good and not the other way around.

 

Keep up with NC everyone. It is not worth contacting your ex. Healing is essential and calling them will not help with that process. Dont let them have the power over your healing process.

[Mmt2618]

Thanks everyone for such great advice and making me think about me. I decided I am going to respond a little later today. I'll respond lighthearted and just say she can add them to those bags she has for goodwill. I don't really care about getting them back and don't really want to ask a friend to get them. Asking a friend shows me being weak and all I want her to see from me is strength. Of all of the things out of my control in this situation, this is one that's all in my hands.

 

Seeing her would crush me - i know it would. Especially at her place. If she wants to talk, she'll have to tell me that she wants to talk. But for right now and my sanity, I just realized I can't take another disappointment.

 

Does this come off as harsh? I could also ask her to drop them by my place but she doesn't have a car and it would be an effort. Knowing that she was coming over I don't know if I trust myself not to try to be there when she did come by.

 

I just have to keep telling myself - no mixed messages anymore. She wants to be with me, she'll be with me. But she has to say it. Clearly. In no uncertain terms. "I love you" "I want to be with you and try to make this work." I can't give her anymore passes. Her mixed messages and lack of communication made me feel small and bad about myself during the relationship - and as hard as it will be, I have to start taking these steps to heal.

[honeyspur]

*applauds* Wow. All I can say is.....Wow!!!

[Mmt2618]

i just sent it about 15 mins ago on my way back from lunch.

 

i feel so nervous right now. i have checked my phone/email about a million times since then.

 

i wrote "for fashion's sake they should probably hit your goodwill bags. thanks for the thought though"

 

the reason for dumping them was the shoes had a huge hole in the top, she laughed at me for still wearing them. the blazer was a crappy one that i thought looked cool, but cost $3 at goodwill. i honestly didn't want them back.

 

does that sound harsh i want to see her more than anything, but i just know it would crush me. now i am filled with this sense of regret and thinking i should have just sucked it up and gotten my stuff. and thinking that might be my last chance to see/talk to her.

 

i still miss her very much... but i think this is the right decision for me, for right now.

[AngryHeart]

Today is such a bad day , thoughts of ending it all are consuming me...

 

Don't do it, huni! You have come such a long way, and you are soo strong He's not worth your attention right now (if ever) You're just having a rough few days, but you will feel better again soon, and will really regret contacting him. I know it's so tough, but try try try. *hugs*

 

Day 4. I'm feeling OK. I'm a bit peeved he's not contacted me yet, since he wants to be "friends" Still I know it's early days, and that his friendship isn't real anyway. I just wish I could stop thinking about him and totally erase him out of my life. I still think about him all the time, and yeah it still hurts, but so far I'm doing better than I thought I'd be having started NC over again. He knows where I am so in a way, this NC is a test to see if his "friendship" is real. As well as for me to heal of course. I do miss him though and wish we were together, how it was. I was so happy with him and he acted like he was me too. I don't understand him i really dont. He's now taking a self destructive path that's probably only gonna end up with him hurt. If he had just stayed with me......*sigh*

[honeyspur]

Think about this Mmt - does it seem the right choice to go with the worst case scenario when you just don't know? I think you worded it very well and your taking the first healthy step that you've taken in a while.

Maybe by going to the worst case scenario we create an energy of failure and loss - keeping us "stuck".

If your ex decides to drastically never see you again over old, tattered clothes - well that sounds like nonsense to me. I'd hate to think she's that shallow.

 

Try thinking that it may give her that kick in the rear to attempt, better more aggressive communication. Or she sees you are serious about moving on and decides to stop punishing you in her heart and mind and take a much needed break - contacting you at a later date.

 

Give the NC thing more thought. Are you ready at this time? If she contacts you with positivity that's the end of NC right? Maybe you should reconsider it as you've already jolted back to obsessively checking on her response - instead of doing something else to occupy your mind and pass the time.

 

The NC Challenge is a serious thing. Treat it that way. Mock Chop, LilBear and Irish Jax are just a few people being lifted up and out with the strictness of NC - so consider if this is the direction you want to go.....

[Irish Jax]

Honey,

 

You have very inspirational words. You are right about NC and the challenge. Listen, to all who are struggling with it. I know exactly how you feel. Doing NC goes totally against my nature, but I cannot tell you how empowering it is to have made it this far. Thats what inspires me to keep going. Knowing at the end of it, whether it would be 30 days or sixty days, I will be alot better off than I would be constantly contacting them.

 

Trust me, I always have in the back of my mind of whether my ex has forgotten me or if he is thinking of me or if he hates me, etc. But NC has also allowed me to realize what went wrong in the relationship. It is eye opening and you start to settle with the fact, that maybe your ex is not who you thought they were.

 

I have discovered through NC and plenty of time to think that although my ex is a nice guy, everything was all about him and I did everything to make him happy, but it was not being returned. He asked for space and thus he can have it all he wants. He basically took all my qualities and everything I had to offer and walked away.

 

NC allows you to be happy with yourself. Look inside you and see what you did during your relationship. It does not matter what your ex thinks or feels about you. Your silence and not calling them is the most powerful weopan you have for yourself and it allows you to be in control of you, not your ex.

 

Do not give your ex the benefit of knowing you still want them. Whether they come back or not does not matter. What matters is you need to heal from this pain. Talking to them may provide a temporary bandaid, but it will not heal the wound.

[GetMeBack]

Thank you IrishJax I needed to read that...

[Mock Chop]

To be honest, I haven't been doing NC as such. I've just not been initiating contact. He lasted 6 days of not a word from me before he emailed. I respond politely and positively - because I'm FEELING positive about myself (for the first time in forever).

 

He's in for one hell of a shock when he does contact me. Since he split up with me, I've taken up a new hobby, I'm going to do volunteer work and it looks like I'm definitely adopting (well, I say it's only fostering, but I know myself better than that) another dog. Oh yes, I'm also looking for a part time job that I can fit round my son's school hours!

 

So onward and upward. He doesn't know what he's missing!