THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[Wandering_Sword]

92nd day of NC and feeling a helluva lot better since day one. Slowly counting down the days to 100. Also, I'm slowly losing count of the days of NC (this is good I think).

[macgyver4ever]

Day 16

 

I called my ex but she didn't answer. I need to transfer her cell phone. If she doesn't call back I am suspending her number on Friday.

 

I before calling my ex I called her mother to let her know I was calling to do this. Her mom started telling me all this news about my ex, that I really didn't want to hear. She asked her parents if she could introduce her new boyfriend to them (she hasn't told them we broke up yet) and when they said "NO, not yet", she said she is moving out. She also bought a laptop, which is dumb because she is already super in debt, and is moving out so she has to pay for all of that stuff as well. Hearing this news set me back for the day, but I got over it. She's crazy, and no longer the girl I fell in love with.

She is trying everything t make herself happy, but won't be happy until she loves herself.

 

When I do talk to my ex I am going to be happy and upbeat. I am going to use The Perfect Plan Mach II, but just to be friends with her because I know she needs a real friend in her life. I will not be spending time with her, just talking to her on the phone sometimes. I won't call her, but will eventually call her back when she needs someone.

 

Today I feel: Confident, Disappointed, Meloncholly, and Stunned

[annalise23]

Day 2

 

well its been so hard since we split yesterday. I feel like I have lost an arm.

I am in constant pain. One min I think its the right thing, the next I just want to see him and cuddle and forget it all.

 

Its so hard

[honeyspur]

Day 16

 

 

When I do talk to my ex I am going to be happy and upbeat. I am going to use The Perfect Plan Mach II, but just to be friends with her because I know she needs a real friend in her life. I will not be spending time with her, just talking to her on the phone sometimes. I won't call her, but will eventually call her back when she needs someone.

 

 

 

I hope you are putting this plan into effect after the challenge or at least are considering leaving the challenge before you do.

I understand your feelings, so this is just my opinion. But I think you are being too nice.

It's obvious, yes, she's miserable - but coming to her rescue, being her shoulder to cry on - well, I don't think that will help her.

Sounds like her parents have more of a clue than she does and by being firm, she is forced to think more.

 

You are very kind and I can only commend you on this because it is mature and what we should all strive for.

But everything has a process. Including your ex - her process requires her to go through some misery - to not have contact with those who love her and really be with herself.

To disrupt that process will just prolong what could go by faster.

 

I am struck by your caring. I think and I may be wrong - that you have a real fear of looking "mean" or "cold shoulder."

I suspect you don't like being treated this way which is why you'd be willing to let your ex down easy, even though she was not of the same mindset with you.

 

I always feel that once the NC challenge is over - it is safer to have contact because the new habit has been created.

By day 16 it is not - it's merely forming.

 

Just be sure - through all your analyzing and rationale - that this is not just a smoke screen for you to contact her and start your sad cycle again.

Turning off her phone is completely understandable and NOT cruel.

She will not die or go to the hospital or run off to Mexico with her new man. In fact by the end of this 30 days, she will not be much farther along than you.

"Dumpers" go through a painful process just like the "dumpee" - it's usually a much nastier mess for them - more of a guilt complexx, etc......

 

Be careful where your sympathy leads you - it may be premature.....

[TheGetUpKid]

day 53..nothing much really went on. just hung out at house, then went out for a drive lol. VTEC!

 

Don't you mean i-vtec??? ( I have a rsx as well)

 

Day 10

 

The calls havent stoped but it is as freuquent. She left me a voicemail on tuesday night I believe saying "It would be nice if you would call me back". She sounded quite annoyed and angry. Oh well doesnt bother me at all anymore.

[macgyver4ever]

Honeyspur,

 

I greatly appreciate this feedback. I have thought this through some, and really hope it doesn't backfire on me. I have had enough of my ex, and don't want to deal with her problems anymore, but I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this girl and can't turn my back on her. In good times and in bad.

 

The person she has turned into is not someone I want to be friends with, but I know in my heart that this is only temporary. By offering to be her friend, I don't expect her to actually follow through, but I want her to know that I am there for her if she needs me. I'm not going to be her shoulder to cry on, and I won't be someone who will go out with her or meet up for coffee. I'll be there only to help in great times of need. I don't expect her to call me even after offering her friendship. She's too stubborn and has too much pride. She feels bad for what she has done to me and how she has treated me, and I know that seeing and talking to me will make her feel bad.

 

I'm trying to be selfless, but there is a part of me that hopes that when she figures herself out, and realizes the err in her ways, she will want to come back to me. When she does this I want to be there to say "NO." She treated me too bad for too long. She has shown a pattern of cheating and selfishness that I cannot respect or condone in a mate. I have also met someone that has opened up a whole new world to me and has shown me that my past relationship wasn't that great. It was shallow.

 

I would have been happy spending the rest of my life with my ex, but I will also be happy spending it without her.

 

As far as NC goes, I need to give her the opportunity to keep her phone number. It is her number, and she had it way before she met me. If she doesn't cooperate, she could lose it. I have been too kind, and too generous with this girl, but that's me. I'm a great guy. Any girl has to be crazy to leave me.

 

My ex has moved on. It is probably a rebound, but she has a good idea of who she is with. She was seeing this guy for almost 7 months (4 of which we were still together, and the last 2 months still seeing each other) and by trying to introduce him to the family, that she is in love with him. I accept that she is gone. It still hurts, and I will be careful, but I will not let myself fall back into any traps.

 

I will talk to her about canceling her cell, and will keep going with NC. I will not be calling her, I have no need or urge to. She really just needs a true friend. She has no one else who will tell her "NO."

[honeyspur]

Honeyspur,

 

I have had enough of my ex, and don't want to deal with her problems anymore, but I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this girl and can't turn my back on her.

 

This is what concerns me - not your mature, brave decision to contact her out of true friendship.

 

I am wondering why you consider doing some tougher love tactics as "turning your back on her."

What is it about not speaking or communicating with the ex for one month that is so difficult? What is the belief you are harboring? Something she will do or something you will feel?

If it's something SHE will feel - why does she need protection or support RIGHT NOW - as opposed to at the end of 30 days?

If it is about avoiding panic,depression,tears,boredom and fear in you - what does that have to do with the ex exactly?

Is it more an aversion to NOT be stuck for 30 days straight with your own self-torment?

 

I am not in any way disbelieving your intentions. They are real and genuine. However, turning off her phone without contacting her is not a cruel and unusual act. She will, in fact, realize almost immediately why you did it and at most, will transfer some anger onto you since she clearly expects you to take care of her in some way. (By not getting herself off your phone or not using your minutes)

 

Your ex is a good person - I agree she is not the same woman you met. I do believe the real her is underneath all this mess.

BUT - did you being a great guy help her? You are a great guy now - is it helping her now?

 

Is it possible that this is all about how YOU feel? You don't know if things will be better if you contact her - but you are pretty sure some nagging feeling in you will be at rest if you do - is this about her or you?

 

If it's about you - be honest. Your not selfish or naive - you are just caught up in emotion.

 

Again, I am just OFFERING this to you to THINK about - no matter what you end up doing.

I KNOW I could be wrong here - so I'm not disagreeing with you really. But those who are on the outside of this experience are not wrapped up in any emotion whatsoever - so it's something to consider.

 

Good luck with any decision you make macgyver - your kindness can only come back to you in some way, in the end.

[MasterT]

Day 7 of my reattempted NC. So far things have been going well for me. It's been up and down a bit, since we go to the same college and occasionally run into each other, but I've managed to keep my cool when I see her, and when it does happen I make sure to get out of there as quickly and eloquently as possible.

 

I am looking forward to the future, and I am hoping things will work themselves out.

[macgyver4ever]

Honeyspur,

 

Again, thank you for your honest feedback. It's awesome!!

 

During the break up I was pretty pathetic. I was whiny, needy, and a mess. I've grown so much, realized so many things, and have become a much stronger person through this.

 

If this was all about me, I would be easy for me to never talk to her again. I have NO desire to talk to her. I don't want to talk to her, but I owe it to her, I owe it to myself, and owe it to our memories together to settle this like adults.

 

Right now, all the incredible memories we have together are covered in the debris of the last several months of pain and suffering. I WANT to someday be able look back on those memories and smile. I don't think we will ever work out our differences, but we had an unbelievable relationship for several years.

 

I want closure, and I know I could get this completely by just shutting off her phone. But this isn't completely about me. As happy as she thinks she is, she's hurting. If you saw someone you love completely drunk getting into a car, you would try to stop them, and that's how I feel. She is on a very self destructive path, and I can see where it is headed. Her parents and I have done everything in our power to stop her, and she resents us for this.

 

All I can do is be there when she needs me. I don't support her decisions, but I will be there in some capacity when she needs help. If I cancel her phone without telling her SHE WILL BE MAD. She will think I am so upset with her that I won't be there for her. She will feel the loss of me and it will increase her resentment. She will feel as if everyone is against her, and we aren't. She already resents me because she thinks I am the reason her parents will not accept her new boyfriend. I have been begging them to accept him if things did not work with us, and I can't help the fact her parents love me.

 

I could be selfish, God knows she has been selfish to me, but what good would that do? I'm looking out for myself, and I won't let her interfere with my life or my relationships again. She's not a part of my life anymore, but I will be a part of hers if she needs me. (I won't call her, but she can call me.)

 

Thanks again for your advice. I will be very very careful.

[LBP]

Learned, though I all ready suspected, that my ex has my AIM on block... Strikes me a puzzling as I haven't even attempted to IM her in months... Had no effect on me. I'm starting to wonder more and more how she could care so little about something in which she invested so much time and why she doesn't seem to care that she's driving her other friends away through her actions.

 

I don't wonder about it that. When you're self-obsessed I'm sure it's easy to pretend that no one else matters. The curse of youth, I suppose.

 

Day 6? Not sure. Feeling good.

[rsxguy520]

forget vtec its all about VVTi jp rsx lol

 

lol, don't worry i am a toyota fan as well. came real close to getting a gts but ended up with a better deal on an rsx instead.

 

Don't you mean i-vtec??? ( I have a rsx as well)

 

Day 10

 

The calls havent stoped but it is as freuquent. She left me a voicemail on tuesday night I believe saying "It would be nice if you would call me back". She sounded quite annoyed and angry. Oh well doesnt bother me at all anymore.

 

opps sorry. yeah i know haha i was typing a little too quick. sorry! sorry i've been too excited lately cause i got my reflash and i just been cruising with it lately. next is to save money and boost my car YEEE!!

 

Well today is what? day 54. today is looking goregous!!! sunny, just the way i like it!!! haha!! today's agenda, gym, then going for a cruise on the freeway.i'll post later, too excited. YEE! can't wait for school to restart again in like a month!

[boston23]

Hi everyone...

 

Blech. I kind of had a tiny set-back today in terms of the weight loss mind-set. Since the break up I've lost about 20 lbs. I was about 15 lbs heavier than I usually am before the break up (from surgery last summer), so it's not like I'm totally different, but I've always been really skinny and I've lost about 6 lbs more than I am at my skinniest. I'm now 124 lbs and on my almost 5'7" frame I look pretty skinny...but I've been working out so I didn't feel emaciated (nice muscles

 

The other day in the gym, this random woman in the locker rm (about 50 years old) asked me what size I am and told me that I look really cute. She said that people must come up to me and tell me that I'm really skinny, but she gets the same thing and she thinks that I look really good. That was definitely very nice to hear. She pretty much said that even though I am thin, I work out and it really shows. So anyway, after that I definitely was feeling much more upbeat about this whole weight loss thing...wanting to gain a little weight but not freaking out about it.

 

I hadn't really weighed myself in about 2 weeks, so today when I weighed myself I found that I had lost another 4 lbs That kind of bummed me out but as I was leaving the gym I kind of had the mind-set of...ok, that's fine, you can gain that weight back. And then as I was walking out the door of the gym, the woman who works there (and who I kind of know), said to me, "You're looking really thin, boston. I mean, you're looking really thin" so I said, "yeah I'm trying to work on that." and then she repeated herself...and then said something about how women in America are always talking about losing weight but then sometimes you shouldn't lose any weight. So I said, "well, when I look in the mirror I see that I've lost weight, and I'd like to gain weight, but, what can you do?" And then she just asked me if I was just under a lot of stress. So that was the end of the convo.

 

It was just disheartening and completely the wrong timing. As I walked down the hall I felt my heart drop a little and tears started to form (but I didn't let myself cry...it's right near the ex's apartment and there's no way in hell I would let him see me with tears in my eyes).

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share with you guys. I called my mom just now and told her that I had lost more weight and her reply was "Well, you need to eat more," completely sensible but I just needed to hear "it will all work out and you will be fine" (which I told her so she pretty much repeated it to me).

 

I cried in the shower when I got home. I just want this issue to not be an issue.

[boston23]

Oh...on a more upbeat note:

 

Last night I happened to find my diary from last year and read the last couple of entries. It was actually right at the time of my relationship with my ex that I had started to feel really really deeply for him and was really overwhelmed with feeling like that. I had never been in love before, and I was trying to get used to it. I liked this one part that I pretty much said, "Well, although it's uncomfortable to feel like this, I'm learning more about myself and I'm learning more about someone I care about." And then a later entry recounted how I had first told him I loved him.

 

It was actually really nice to read that, because I had changed the details in my memory. I had remembered that I had first told him that I loved him during a time that we were having issues (in my diary I said I had been "emotionally retarded" b/c I couldn't deal with my feelings for him). But I had completely forgotten that I had been feeling in love with him for a while already. In my memory, I had changed it so that I just told him because I was scared of losing him during the argument...so after the break up I felt like I had never really loved him and that I had wanted to but I couldn't.

 

I'm surprised that it made me feel better to read that (especially since his reaction to me telling him wasn't so good), but it's nice to recognize that the relationship wasn't a sham to me and that I really was having those emotions that I thought I was having. It was also nice to see that I felt better after having told him, "because telling something like that should always be a good thing." Reading that entry made me feel like I was reading my diary in 5th grade...I sound so sincere and passionate.

[kate111]

Thank you very much for your response. I'm on 31 days I think.

 

The losing oneself thing and forgetting who you are thing happened to me as well. Live and learn.

[mariab.]

today my ex sent me an email saying that he's getting fed up at not receiving his unemployement check that I was supposed to have sent him. Exclamation points and like he was scolding me. I had to reply. told him that all his mail arriving at my house has been returned to sender, to contact that office and to stop emailing me about his check, since I don't have it..hope I did the right thing....was not trying to be mean but just curt. what do u guys think?

[kate111]

today my ex sent me an email saying that he's getting fed up at not receiving his unemployement check that I was supposed to have sent him. Exclamation points and like he was scolding me. I had to reply. told him that all his mail arriving at my house has been returned to sender, to contact that office and to stop emailing me about his check, since I don't have it..hope I did the right thing....was not trying to be mean but just curt. what do u guys think?

 

Yes I think you did. You got the "business"sorted.

 

I think now you should do no contact. Don't answer any calls and try to grieve this relationship on your own.

[houdini]

Day 11 for me.....I thought it was suppose to get easier!!!!!...LOL..well atleast for this second I can laugh a bit before reality sets in again and rushes in the tears and depression. Why the rollercoaster???? I still miss her, still love her and still wish we could get back together.... I'm ready to get off this rollercoaster though...it's making me sick!!!!....

[SadOldMan]

I still miss her. I still love her....but...I don't think I want to be back with her. It's time I moved on. I'm trying....so hard.

[ruby19]

Day 21..he wants to talk about ways to make things "easier" for me for when he comes back to work in my department. Like * * * can he do to make things easier except not come back?? A major apology and acknowledgement of al the things he did to hurt me would be start but nothing can make better the way he treated me. I'm holding onto NC until he physically is back in my office and I have to talk to him and then I'm going strictly professional and all work related. This will be a * * * *ty summer

[Rosie007]

Day 16

 

Went back to work today. Coworker was visitng from out of town and time flew by.

 

One of the things I miss most about my ex is his hair. At one time I thought it was icky ... many years ago ... now I sometimes think it's one of the things I liked best about him.

 

While walking my dog tonight, I pictured him calling me to apologize -- and I do suspect he feels rather badly about the way he really bungled things. My little fantasy about him apologizing became that he says he wishes there was a way he could make things up to me (and he's not suggesting he would like to get back together). My response is, yes, there is something you can do. I need your sperm for a child. Not even talking about sex here. Just talking about having a baby -- with no responsibilities for him.

 

I always thought we would have beautiful, smart children together.

 

So that's where I am today.

 

Not feeling extreme emotions. But my desire to have his children is still strong within me. I once read something to the effect that the feeling of love can often be explained by a biological recognition of a good mate, a person with whom to procreate.

 

To be sure, this definition doesn't account for same-sex love -- or maybe it does -- as I'm not gay, I don't know if part of the gay love experience is to imagine the child a couple would have together.

 

Mind you, I'm 44 ... tick, tock, tick, tock ... and the desire to have children has been strong for me since we started seeing each other.

 

So that's where I am. And now it's time to sleep.

 

-Rosie

[macgyver4ever]

Honeyspur,

 

My ex called me back tonight. I gave her the options on what she could do to save her number and had her research the plan she wanted. During this first conversation with her I had a MAJOR panic attack. I was seconds away from losing my dinner. I got off the phone, took some Xanex and felt much better by the time she called back.

 

I told her she was right about the break up, and we both were not happy, and because she didn't want to work out our issues it was for the best. This stunned her. I then went on to say that I wanted to be friends, and I know it will take time, but I just want her to know I will always be there for her if she needs someone to talk to or advice. This made her cry.

 

I tried to cheer her up by telling her the story of me getting bit in the face by the dog during my date last week. She seemed genuinely concerned which was nice. Overall, she was very shocked by how happy I was, and that I was moving on so quickly. It will give her something to think about.

 

It went really well and I feel good. A sense of relief that I can move on and not have anymore strings attached.

 

Let me know what you think. I do feel a little bad about toying with her emotions, but not bad enough to lose any sleep.

 

Thanks Again!!!

[ahhh2jz]

Day 56 NC - doing pretty good. I'm working on trying to get with another girl right now; and it feels kind of weird at first; but I'm giving it a shot.

[rsxguy520]

Day 56 NC - doing pretty good. I'm working on trying to get with another girl right now; and it feels kind of weird at first; but I'm giving it a shot.

 

thats awesome bro. i wanna get feeling again, of the "butterflies". haha.

[ahhh2jz]

thanks rsx i appreciate it man; the feelings were great; but when it came time to go home... the thoughts of the dreaded ex again popped in my head in time, hopefully this will pass

[Pisces_Princess]

Drum roll....................................................

 

DAY 29

 

I can hardly believe it.

 

Don't have much to post, but will do after the weekend when I will be on day 32!

 

My question though. What happens after day 30? xxx