THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[crab62]

Day 10

 

I thought of calling a second ago. He's back in town. I grabbed the phone.... My stomach started to churn, I felt dizzy, my mouth is dry, and I'm sweatin.... Good reason, not to call, amongst the other obvious reasons...

Wish I had some sleeping pills. I still can't get to sleep.

I want to shut off these feelings for him. I want to NOT want him anymore.

 

1 more hour and it will be 11 days of NC.

I wonder if he's smooth sailing....

 

I know about shutting off the feelings. I decided yesterday I was going to do that... because why?

 

1) because it is not doing me any good to sit here in pain and agony. It feels like crap and it's ruining my day and my job when I am there.

2) he is not feeling like crap... so why should I.

3) he is and was not my world. He was part of my life, but was not and is not my world.

 

If you think about it... if you REALLY think about it... holding on to them is only hurting you... and is only stopping you. They don't care what you are doing... they don't care if you're holding on to them or not... and if they do care and they are not with you, then they are playing a game... and you should drop them from your thoughts anyway.

 

It's okay to hurt... but when hurting turns you into a victim... it's time to stop.... at least that's what I'm trying to do.

 

{hugs}

[fiffy]

hey digital diva your doing so well on day 11! Well done you! I have something very bad to tell you- he didn't call me! He abstained the whole time of my NC. I called him first. He subsequently text and called once I had but he never made the first move.

 

I am back to day 1! Feel ok. I am just in an acceptance phase where I am ok with what has happened but just miss him so much. I once read that if you live in the present, the right now- not in the past and not in the future- you will be happy. So I am going to try this.

 

Starlight I feel so guilty after you helped me through hours of support only for the next day to call him. I really appreciate you being there I couldn't have coped through that last day without you.

 

Crab well done for your mental turn around. I could definitely do to start that way of thinking. I think if we all believed that the break-up and failed relationship was only half our fault and all of us tried so hard to make it work- in the end it was the other partner who couldn't try and deserted the relationship. If we all thought that way then maybe we could see that it was the other person mainly at fault and they finished it because they were incapable of holding a relationship. It says more about them than it does about us!

 

Cas- I am so glad you are well and keeping strong! You seem to really be moving forward!

 

DQueen- glad your back! Maybe we should try and support each other and beat this NC thing!

 

This time I am really going to try! I made 2 weeks, my goal now is to get to the 30 days, then reasses the situation. I am only ever going to allow myself contact if I have truly moved on and am over him. I need to stop all the feelings of panic love and missing him before I can ever speak to him again- otherwise it just all comes out on him and I look like I am not over him!

[montgomery]

I need a little advice. I spoke to her last week - she came up to me - and I said I wanted to talk to her when I wasn't drunk at a party (which I was at the time). I followed this up with an email, like an idiot.

 

She's not going to forget that I asked, and if I don't follow up, it'll be just another 'thing'. I've no idea what I'll say, though. Should I talk to her, or should I 'forget' that I said anything? I'm currently thinking that I'll wait for some sort of 'so, what did you want to talk about?' thing from her...

 

It's SO hard having to see her the whole time, but I'm beginning to feel her hold on me lessen. Curiously, though, this in turn worries me. I'm actually scared of forgetting about her. Isn't that nuts?

[babes23]

We spoke briefly. He said he does love me but a relationship isn't what he wants at the mo, it's not what he wants. I suppose people get like that don't they? Well it was his risk wasn't it. Wasn't doing me much good either, plus the relationship wasn't right for me so this is for the best. Definitely no contact all the way now, this is the only way it can go.

 

I'm going to move on x

[Robert013]

Day 20

 

Mornings are hard for me. Today it is even harder because she tried to contact me again yesterday by sending me a text message witch I ignored. She wanted to know if her family and herself could get my son christmas gifts. I know she cares about him but IT'S OVER. She is not the mother. It just makes me so mad that she thinks she can still be apart of his life. No, she walked out on us and was dating another guy within a week.

 

When you break up you loose the family as well. She should have thought about that before she jumped into another relationship so quickly. We had planned on being friends but then her actions and the fact that she lied to my son and I numerous times made that impossible. It hurt to much. I do not want to be friends with someone who is willing to lie to my 7.5 year old son right in front of me. NO WAY.

 

She needs to realize what she has lost. She has not fully felt the loss because she is in a rebound. You are supposed to mourn the loss of a long term intimate relationship. Starting a new relationship in a week is not healthy after just breaking up with someone you spent 7 years with. It does not give you any time to mourn the loss of the previouse relationship.

 

I am sure someday she will realize just what it is that she has done. I know she misses my son, but that is not my problem. It is me time now.

 

Well I have a movie date tonight with a friend I just met. I am getting the feeling that she wants more than just a friendship. I do not so I will make my intensions clear tonight. I just need a new friend right now.

[Jester1586]

First, a little background. Broke up with my long distance girlfriend of over two years a couple weeks ago. She called me up, asking for a break, and a week later, asked for a break up. Her reasoning was she was tired of not seeing me, and feeling all depressed about being alone around her friends who all have a partner. Told me that if I could move there "tomorrow" we could stay together, but its to hard this way. Still loves me, just needs time to get back to being her normal happy self. I, of course, did the begging. I really want to spend my life with her. I plan to move down there in about a year after I finish school and save up some money. She's the girl I want to marry.

 

Anyways, I agreed to be friends, but I can't handle it anymore. Every time I speak to her, I always seem to try and sway the conversation back to the relationship, and I always look for a way to make her take me back. So I just stopped talking. I sent her a message detailing my thoughts, and that was the last I contacted her. A week ago. Since then I've only gotten a "Happy Thanksgiving", and a playful Myspace comment. Not even a response to my message, but I didn't really expect one there.

 

I'm ready to start this experiment. I've been NC for a week now, but this is officially Day One of the one month period. No phone calls. No text messages. No contact at all. So here we go...

 

I still see hope for my relationship, and that's what kills me the most. It doesn't make sense to me why she'd want to break up if she truly loved me and wanted to live with me. No matter how hard it was. I think about her all the time, and I want to fight for what we had, because the thought of losing it haunts me. I've been in many relationships, but this one was different. I've felt things I've never felt for someone. Ever. She's changed me in a way I never thought I could change. And all for the better.

 

I worked a nine hour shift tonight, and I thought of her for about seven hours of it. Just picturing her smile. I saw a movie she liked in the Electronic department, and I remembered going to the movies to see it with her. Holding her next to me with my arm over her shoulder.

 

I thought about calling her tomorrow to tell her how I felt. Again. I've talked myself out of it. She knows. And she'll contact me. I know she will. But I keep having doubts I may never hold her again. I thought about sending her a message saying I couldn't be friends and I needed time to myself, but I can't now. I haven't done anything to contact her in a week, she should know by now.

 

I just can't shake the thought that she'll see me avoiding her as me not loving her or wanting her in my life, so she'll not bother to contact me. But I can't tell her that, because it defeats the entire purpose of this. I'm using this as a tool to hopefully get her back, but if it doesn't work, hopefully I learn to live without her and I can move on.

 

I just can't see my life without her in it...

[crab62]

day 3 NC for me... after my relapse last week.

 

I am not sure if I'm going to post everyday... cause it's kind of a trigger, and I think sets me back a bit. I don't want to think about him this much, he doesn't deserve that, hehe

 

This was his choice to leave... so I'm letting him go. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I want to feel peace and enjoy my day and my train ride to work. I want to read my paper in peace and drink my coffee. I want to feel the cold air on my face when I go to work without feeling like someone punched me in the stomach.

 

So today I'm focusing more on letting him go. When he comes into my thoughts... I say goodbye to him. I can allow myself some sadness.. but it won't do me any good to rip my stomach into shreds thinking about him. This was his choice. I was committed to the relationship, he was not.... and he chose to leave. The things I did were menial(sp?) and would not make a committed man leave.

 

Back in June when we first split up... he called me a "selfish f****** b****" and hung-up on me. Prior to that (same call)... he said to me "I bet Dave (my exbf before him) gave it to you really good"... and then he laughed. Dave was my exbf before him, who was verbally abusive... and here's my current boyfriend getting enjoyment out of that?... and he also called me another woman's name once a month for the first 8 month's we dated.... the same woman who caused a bunch of problems for us in June... a woman who he could not stand up to... at least I won't have to put up with that in the Spring come 2009.... thank gawd.

 

These are the things I need to think of when I get sad... yes he was kind, but when I say that and think back when he called me a sfb and hung-up... no, kind men don't do that... I would never do that to him.... so I guess he wasn't so kind after all.

 

So onward!!...

[jennamajig]

I haven't really posted in this thread in a few days. I think I'm at day 8, but frankly, I'm not counting anymore. He will never be part of my life again (made that clear) and each day I realize that I don't want him as a part of my life right now. Probably never. I'm in the anger stage, I think. And I knw it is the right step towards the indifference stage. He brought me down. While I am lonely, I am seeing things more clearly than I had before.

 

I went to the bookstore last night and spent a hour there sitting and looking for new books to read. I am a cat owner, so I bought a couple of inspiring books about cats. I then stumbled upon a postcard book called "Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals." I flip it open and of course there's one card with the cutest Dalmatian puppy on it that says "It's not me, it's you." And I laughed out loud. I think I am going to hang these postcards in my office just to make me smile.

 

I know I am growing and I am making so much progress. I am even ready to start dating again. On Saturday, it will be 2 months post-break up. And you know what? I still have strides to make and have bad days, but I know ultimately I will be okay.

[starlight40]

Day 2, feeling a bit upset today but hey, gunna have to ride i out

[digitaldiva]

DAY 11

 

My life is falling apart. I think this is one of the only relationships I will truly regret forever. The guilt of doing so many things wrong is seriously killing me. Job is falling apart too. He tried so hard to make it work between us and I just argued so much and acted such an a** on many things.

[jennamajig]

DAY 11

 

My life is falling apart. I think this is one of the only relationships I will truly regret forever. The guilt of doing so many things wrong is seriously killing me. Job is falling apart too. He tried so hard to make it work between us and I just argued so much and acted such an a** on many things.

 

The guilt will kill you. You will need to forgive yourself for any mistakes before you can move on.

 

We all make mistakes. No one is perfect and it would be boring if we were

 

Have you thought about talking with someone? Many insurances would cover a visit or two to a therapist or there could be someone your HR department could recommend. Even though I think I'm doing pretty well, I toy with the idea of seeing someone myself to fully clear out any lingering issues.

[thedude27]

Day 12

 

 

Feeling a little better after her contact. I was missing her a lot for the last week or so. I have a familiarity of doing this at this point(went 29 days, she called now I'm 12 more in) and although I would sure like things a different way, I'm ok enough with them like this. Yea I still miss her and I really want her in my life but I dont see how that is going to happen. The ball is in her court and thats that. I dont expect to hear from her, shes like that. If I had to guess it would be a while then she will show up and pretend nothing happened. I'm sure if I ask she'd say "I didnt want to see her or some dumb excuse like that." It will be my fault. Thats ok, because its not my fault, at all and that wont get her anywhere with me. Thats my best guess on what she will do. I cant imagine I'm even going to care if I go another couple months like this. I guess maybe thats textbook for my situation, if there is such a thing.

[thedude27]

DAY 11

 

My life is falling apart. I think this is one of the only relationships I will truly regret forever. The guilt of doing so many things wrong is seriously killing me. Job is falling apart too. He tried so hard to make it work between us and I just argued so much and acted such an a** on many things.

 

Regret is a hard thing to deal with. Look at it like this. Looking back on them I'm sure you didnt mean to do the things you did, its just how you react to things. Kind of a bad autopilot. Did you learn something? I'm sure you did. Are you going to act that way again? Make a choice not to and to think about your actions next time and this is a good thing.

 

We dont always do the right thing or recognize it till its too late. Yea maybe you screwed up but you didnt do it maliciously or intentionally and as long as you are going to do better this next time then this is a good thing to have learned. If you werent sad for losing him, you wouldnt have looked that hard at your actions. This is the cost for learning and learning this will make your future relationships better. It was an expensive lesson but you are a better you and your chances at success in the future are much better now. When you are ready, go out and apply what you have learned and see if you dont find that realtionship that lasts a lifetime

 

Focus on the things you can change and go forward. If you your next actions are filled with wisdom, things will get better. Since they will be wise actions how could they not? You are now the 6 million dollar woman of realationships you have been made "better, stronger, faster"

[crab62]

jenna... that's good... I am where you are. He won't ever be part of my life again, so I need to move on as well. It's best that way. We are more free and less holding on... which means alot less stress. It hurts, but it's definitely more freeing. No more wondering if he's going to call, if he's coming back, etc, etc... we are free to be who we are and to live our life.

 

My Mom said something good last night... she said "he was not your world"... and she's right. He was part of my life, but not my world.

 

Hang in there... I'm at the same place you are... we can do this... and there is more to our life than the men who chose to leave... their loss.

[Tyler82]

Day 16.

 

Feeling blah. Sad. I posted a lengthy one in my thread below.

 

 

[crab62]

Day 16.

 

Feeling blah. Sad. I posted a lengthy one in my thread below.

 

]

 

don't be sad... you've got a good friend in Chicago

 

email me... vent to me... get it out... I'll be happy to listen

[cas]

Day 10 or so.

 

It does not help to go out with other girls. Makes me miss her.

[Abbygail]

Finally managed to delete him from my Facebook. I'm just doing horribly these past few days. It's hard as hell. I've been dreaming about him and constantly checking his stuff. Ugh.

[Jester1586]

This was a bad day for me. I woke up early to get some lunch with a friend, but he canceled at the last minute. I didn't work until 10pm and I had nothing else to do but sit around my house for 10 hours. I tried staying busy, but eventually I found myself at my computer writing her a lengthy e-mail detailing everything I want to say to her. When I finished, I sat there and stared at my computer screen, and then closed the window, deleting everything. I'm very happy I didn't end up sending that letter.

 

A few good things came out of this experience though. In the letter I wrote about most of my faults, and how I need to change. I'm naturally a jealous guy when it comes to relationships, and being in a long distance one only makes it harder. I honestly trust her very much, but I get jealous of her friends, mostly her guy friends, how get to see her all the time. I guess that's natural in my situation though, and I know she felt the same way a lot of the time, but what I did that was wrong, was I gave her a hard time about it. I'd call her while she was out, and get mad when she couldn't talk to me for how long I wanted to talk to her. That's one thing I need to change about myself in order for any relationship to work, and I'm going to try. The main reason I was like that though was because one of her guy friends had asked her out while we were dating. She turned him down of course, told me about it, and then continued to see him all the time. Obviously I got annoyed with this guy. I wasn't mad at her, but when she was out with him, I got all protective and started checking up on her all the time.

 

Aside from that, I thought about her almost all day. Even while I was working. So much stuff reminds me of her. Someone innocently brought up the University of Tennessee football team, and I immediately replied with "my girlfriend goes there", and then sunk into a sort of depression. This happened about five times tonight. Even the smallest things, like a song on the radio, bring up vivid memories of me singing to her in the car.

 

I want nothing more than to be with her. I know she'd stay with me if I could prove I was serious about moving down to be with her. Only problem is I can't prove it. All I can do is say it, and hope she believes. After two years of telling her that though, I don't think she believes anymore. And here I am asking for a third year of waiting. If she loves me though, shouldn't she be able to wait for me?

 

If she was truthful about what she said when we broke up, that a long distance relationship was to hard to handle, and she sunk into a depression about not seeing me everyday. Wouldn't that lead you to believe that she still loves and wants to be with me, just can't handle it at the moment? She asked for space to get back to being herself, and to get out of her depression, which is why I started no contact. To hopefully allow her the time to get to where she needs to be, mentally, and to help myself learn to change my faults. And hopefully to instill in her that she misses me a lot, and needs me around. It sounds good in theory, but everyday I go without talking to her, I hurt more. I can't help but think she's learning to move on and ultimately not want to be with me.

[crab62]

DAY 11

 

My life is falling apart. I think this is one of the only relationships I will truly regret forever. The guilt of doing so many things wrong is seriously killing me. Job is falling apart too. He tried so hard to make it work between us and I just argued so much and acted such an a** on many things.

 

digitaldiva... how are you doing? please don't be so hard on yourself we are not perfect, and relationships are hard.

 

i want to be sure you are not doing what i did... and that is taking all the blame... cause sometimes it's easier to blame ourselves than to blame our exbf's. it's like we would rather hurt and take on their pain than let them hurt and have them own up to their own stuff.

 

are you doing that? cause i was.

 

my exbf was kind too... but he was also very emotionally unavailable and would have a covert way of talking positive that would "shut me up" and "shut me out". looking back now, i can see my frustration was that i wasn't being heard... i was not being heard. at the time, i didn't know why i was frustrated, but now almost 4 weeks out i can see this.

 

maybe there was good reason you were arguing. maybe some of your needs just weren't getting met. it's okay that you weren't perfect.

 

relationships take two committed individuals to make it work... and if one of that fails for any particular reason, it's not going to work...

 

so please... it's not all your fault.

 

... and don't carry on more pain that you need to. tell yourself you are going to forgive yourself... it's okay that you are not perfect.

 

{{HUGS}} to you today...

[crab62]

day 4 NC... and I feel great (okay...not great, but I feel okay)... and for clarification, it's 4 days after relapse last week

 

in fact I had a nice dream about my old boss at work... he is sooooooooooo cute and the sweetest guy. he always kisses me on the cheek when he see's me and last time i said "one of these days i'm going to turn my head when you do that" he was married when i started working there and is now divorced. he is absolutely gorgeous... but that's as probably far as it will ever go... i'm sure.

 

anyway... i feel good. i'm still a bit sad and i miss the exbf.... but i am trying hard to not punish myself. i realize he was not emotionally there for me, and he didn't want to be. i realize he could not handle emotions... and i "am" an emotional person. he was right when he left and said he wants someone less emotional... well he can go find that... cause i'm emotional. i have an important job that is stressful, i have a long commute everyday... and my life is not happy happy happy like he pretended his was. so that's fine if he wants to go find someone who has no emotions... that is his right... and i will go find a man who can hold me at night and will let me cry into his arms and will actually have a conversation with me instead of shutting me up and shutting me out by telling me "oh it'll work out"](*,) yes he was kind, mostly, and yes it still hurts... but the fact that he walked out on me and i haven't heard a word since tells me that he is not only incredibly insensitive... but extremely emotionally immature.

 

i miss him and i will continue to miss him... but it was his choice to walk out... and i have had too much heartbreak in my life to keep carrying around unnecessary pain... so i'm choosing to let it go... little by little... day by day. i will still cry when i feel like it... but i'm not going to obsess on what i did wrong and why he left. he left, he had that right... and i have the right to feel good... which i'm trying to practice every day.

[Robert013]

Day 21

 

I am okay today. I still miss my ex. I still love her, but I need to move on. I am starting to read a new book tonight. That will help me pass some time. I also have a date with my friend. We are taking my son to a movie tonight. This will be fun. The more I get out with people the better I will be.

 

I invited a women over last night that I just met to watch a DVD. It felt like a date the whole time. It went well we didn't get to see to much of the movie because we were talking the whole time. She said she was worried because the only other 2 times we talked was in the bar so she thought the alcohol is what made me so sociable. She was worried that their wasn't going to be any conversation. She was pleased to find out that this was not the case.

 

I am not a different person when I have a few drinks. I am who I am. I do not need alcohol to have a good time. I use it as a means to go to a bar and socialize.

 

The goodbye was awkward. I told her I just wanted to be friends and we left it at that. We made plans to do it again some night. So it went well.

[OrangeMoon]

anyway... i feel good. i'm still a bit sad and i miss the exbf.... but i am trying hard to not punish myself. i realize he was not emotionally there for me, and he didn't want to be. i realize he could not handle emotions... and i "am" an emotional person. he was right when he left and said he wants someone less emotional... well he can go find that... cause i'm emotional.

 

i have an important job that is stressful, i have a long commute everyday... and my life is not happy happy happy like he pretended his was. so that's fine if he wants to go find someone who has no emotions... that is his right... and i will go find a man who can hold me at night and will let me cry into his arms and will actually have a conversation with me instead of shutting me

up and shutting me out by telling me "oh it'll work out"](*,) yes he was kind, mostly, and yes it still hurts... but the fact that he walked out on me and i haven't heard a word since tells me that he is not only incredibly insensitive... but extremely emotionally immature.

 

QUOTE]

 

 

Crab62...amazing exactly the reasons he gave me..he needed someone who was calmer emotionally...just because i had a stressfull job and sometimes needed to vent about the stress i felt

 

But guess what...my single grass is greener-ex is going to grow up real soon. He is with a latin woman now who has 2 kids. If he truly wants to make this work..he'd better grow up real quick haha..and what a ride it will be

 

I am sitting back, relaxing and enjoying my NC ride now. Had my first sexual encounter a few days back...the whole intimacy was great, but it did not come close to what i shared with my ex...so that was a disappointment..but i am patient...It will come...i guess i was not that ready yet..

[jennamajig]

 

i miss him and i will continue to miss him... but it was his choice to walk out... and i have had too much heartbreak in my life to keep carrying around unnecessary pain... so i'm choosing to let it go... little by little... day by day. i will still cry when i feel like it... but i'm not going to obsess on what i did wrong and why he left. he left, he had that right... and i have the right to feel good... which i'm trying to practice every day.

 

Obsessing goes nowhere, trust me. We all have right to feel good and loved.

 

Day 9, I think? Like I said, not really counting since I will never hear from him again. I never even told the ex where I moved to, despite the fact that it is less then 1/2 mile from him. I know his routine, so I will never have to run into him ever. And I won't.

 

Though this morning I missed him. It will get easier, I know, and I don't want to be with someone who could just push me out so easily and be so cold. He isn't who I thought he was. Hard to accept, but there it is.

 

I have a guy who is interested in me, despite my asking just to be friends. He texts me all the time (and I am not a texter, not a fan), tells me he missed me (I haven't seen him in a week) and wants to see me almost every day. I like him, but I am feeling overwhelmed. With my ex, I did want to see him every day, but I loved him. I wonder why with a interested, sweet guy, I am feeling slight anxiety. I wonder if it just getting over the ex still. I will probably hang out with him tonight, we'll see.

[jennamajig]

Day 21

 

The goodbye was awkward. I told her I just wanted to be friends and we left it at that. We made plans to do it again some night. So it went well.

 

Goodbyes with the guy I've been hanging with are awkward as well since I don't want to give as much as I think he wants. But you were honest and that is good. She is respecting it, which is much better. You guys might have a wonderful friendship.

 

I bought new books as well and they are helping fill time, which is very helpful.