In Pain Again

[AllTornUp]

Thank you all. I will keep my chin up and get through this with my dignity. I will try not to worry about her, what she's doing, what she's thinking, what she's feeling, etc. I will instead worry about me, what I'm doing, what I'm feeling. I will begin to move on. I'll do things around the house that have needed done in forever. I will reconnect with old friends. I will keep busy and improve myself.

 

And I will keep posting here. Reading posts here and making posts here is really helping me a lot. I hope I can be an inspiration to others as I get through this just like some of your posts out there are an inspiration to me.

[AllTornUp]

I was thinking about some of the "signs" that a breakup was imminent:

 

1) She started an expensive diet program 7 weeks ago

2) She changed her hair somewhat drastically (color and cut) only a few days before the breakup

3) Very little sex for months

[LittleLion24]

Unfortunately those are pretty good signs. But don't feel bad about yourself because she decided to make some changes with her. Remember, there was nothing you could do to stop her from making these changes, and there is nothing you can do now either.

 

Keep being strong and keep sleeping downstairs. It's been another day. How do you feel? Does it seem like it's getting easier each day?

[Beec]

I was thinking about some of the "signs" that a breakup was imminent:

 

1) She started an expensive diet program 7 weeks ago

2) She changed her hair somewhat drastically (color and cut) only a few days before the breakup

3) Very little sex for months

 

There's a time for the post-mortem on a relationship, and now is not the time. You need to wait until you have some more objectivity about it.

 

Hang in there.

[AllTornUp]

I'm not so sure how I feel today. It's hard to move on when you still live with them..

 

She was telling me about a 40% off coupon for furniture and I said yeah, I'd need to get a couch (since the one in the family room is hers). But she said she was leaving it. I said, "you're leaving your couch?" She said she never really liked it all that much anyway and that she doesn't want to have to clean it.

 

Then she mentioned she was leaving the washing machine too. I said it didn't feel right with her leaving all her stuff. A bit later she said she wanted to take her kitchen table and chairs if I didn't have an issue with that. I said of course not.

 

What the heck??

 

I should probably mention that she had been living here rent-free for six months. So I guess I'm not sure if she feels bad about that or if it has to do with just feeling bad for leaving in general.

 

I'm confused. Any thoughts or ideas? Thanks.

[LittleLion24]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask: Are you sure you really want her to move out while your in Vegas? I'm not sure that is such a good idea since she is telling you that she's leaving stuff behind. What if she takes something that is yours?

 

I think you need to have a talk with her about her move. If you have joint items or items that are hers, you need to make sure you both are aware of what's going with her and what's staying behind. However, if I were you I would tell her she MUST take everything that is hers whether you need it or not. If she says she doesn't want it, like the couch, tell her you don't want her stuff either, and if she doesn't take it, it'll be on the curb. This may sounds mean but it isn't. You should have to deal with all her "stuff" that she left behind.

 

I can't believe she's been living there rent-free? To me that isn't right but that's just me. Anyway, her leaving stuff behind isn't her way of feeling bad about not paying rent. She just doesn't want to deal with and move the stuff she doesn't want.

 

And honestly it doesn't sound like she feels bad about leaving either. It sounds like she's ready to move out. Maybe you should have her move out earlier then planned if that's possible. I think it'll be better for the both of you.

[AllTornUp]

SETBACK

 

I thought I was strong enough to talk to her and say some things to her that SuperDave had suggested without crying.

 

I was wrong.

 

I took her aside to talk for a minute. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for pressuring her to move in. That I think this break was a good thing. That like her, I am realizing that I don't like what I have become--weak and needy (she didn't like becoming a b1tch--her words). And I wanted to tell her that after she gets settled and takes some time, she could invite me over and we could make dinner together. If she wants.

 

I turned into a blubbering mess I thought about bugging out, but I figured I might as well get it all out now that I've already messed up. I ended up telling her a lot more things, trying to make it better.

 

I said that I didn't want her to worry about me or feel sorry for me because I'll be just fine--not very convincing when crying like a baby She said she wouldn't feel sorry for me because she knows I can get through it.

 

I said that this will be a good thing no matter what. That either we'll get back together and be better for each other or we'll be better for other lucky people.

 

She said that I should go out and have fun. That I should dance with tenders (beautiful young women). That I shouldn't feel bad about it. That I shouldn't tell her that I was out until 4am or whatever.

 

I was planning on doing all that stuff, but it hurt to hear her say that to me because now I'm thinking that's what she's planning on doing

 

I think I really screwed the whole thing up. I should have just not said anything and initiated NC when she left. Now I'm starting over from square one and I'm back where I was 6 days ago.

 

My hopes for getting her back is pretty low right now and I'm a wreck again. I cannot let my children see me like this. As it is, my 6-year-old has been extra loving with me the last few days. Always hugging me and telling me that he loves me. I think he has sensed that I have been sad and is trying to make me feel better. My older son did the same thing 2.5 years ago when I was going through my divorce.

 

I feel like all hope is lost with her and it's tearing me apart. I don't think I've been properly grieving because I've had such high hopes of getting her back.

 

Oh, and she did mention that it's easier on her to break up like this, with the two week transition of living together. I wanted to scream that it's tearing me apart! But instead I said nothing.

[AllTornUp]

LittleLion,

 

When I first started pressuring her to move in (about 9 months before she actually moved in), I had mentioned something about rent. She took this the wrong way thinking that was why I wanted her to move in. I told her I was just acknowledging that she's the type of person that would insist on not being a freeloader, etc. I ended up telling her that I would never accept a penny for rent. I wanted to make sure she never had any doubts about why I wanted her to move in.

 

She is a very successful professional. I trust her implicitly. There is no way she would take anything of mine. I don't have even the tiniest smidgen of doubt on that.

 

To be honest with you, I wouldn't be surprised if she left a bunch of money. I guess I'll have another dilemma is she does..

[LittleLion24]

Okay...RELAX, CALM DOWN, and wipe your tears away. We're here for you.

 

1) Your hopes for getting her back are failing because you can't get her back right now. That isn't what she wants. Please, please, please, get that romantic notion out of your head that she'll come to her senses and say "hey, I made a mistake. I want you back." It's not realistic at this time.

 

2) The reason why she probably mentioned that it's easier on HER to break up like this is because you're giving her every reason as to why she needs to leave. You being an emotional wreck, apologizing for everything, and pouring your heart out, trying to get everything out so she "knows" is making it easier for her to leave because she knows that once she gets to her new apartment she won't have to deal with this kind of stuff. Honestly, I don't think she wants to hear any of the things you've told her. Remember, she's confused and doesn't know who she is anymore, and you telling her everything you "think" she wants to hear is confirming the reasons why she needs to leave.

 

3) She's telling you to go out and have fun because that's what you should do. She doesn't want to know about it either because she's trying to find herself.

 

4) I think she still has strong feeling for you but she is just not sure how she feels about those feelings. That is why she's moving out and wants to find herself so that if there is a possibility of getting back together LATER ON, it will because she's confident about her feelings for you.

 

5) I really do feel for you and you're in a difficult place right now. But please, please, please remember that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do or say that will make her change her mind. The best thing you need to do is leave her alone, stop telling her how you feel (She already knows), and try NC if that's possible even though you're still sharing the same living space.

[LittleLion24]

That's good to hear that she's trustworthy.

 

If she does leave money, then she leaves money. It's not a dilemma because it shows you that she respects you and everything you've done for her.

 

You accept the money and say Thank you, nothing more. And whatever you do, do not try to give it back to her. That will only tick her off.

 

I hope you're starting to reflect on what you've learned from this "moving in" experience. A mistake is only a mistake until you've learned the lesson. Once you've learned the lesson it's no longer a mistake.

 

I would suggest that maybe what you have learned is that you're not the kind of person that can have someone you care about live with you unless a serious commitment like an engagment has been established. And there's nothing wrong with this. It's just who you are.

[AllTornUp]

It's just so hard. And having her here and the boys here is both helpful and hurtful. I can't ever let my guard down, but it hurts less than being all alone in the house.. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I thought I had learned from last time and that this time would be easier..

[AllTornUp]

Just got back from the movies with the boys. Kind of sad when the movie ends and you have to return to your own life

[Beec]

AllTornUp,

 

Hang in there. You'll make it. You've got another week and half until she is out of the house, and can let down your guard much more. Soon, you won't have to as much. It gets better.

[AllTornUp]

Thanks, Beec. Knowing you all are out there helps alot.

[AllTornUp]

Rough night. I wanted so badly to go upstairs and climb in bed with her and make everything all right again. With every creak of the house, I hoped it was her coming downstairs to climb in bed with me and make everything all right.

 

Losing most of my hope yesterday has really done a number on me. I feel powerful urges to do all the wrong things like begging etc.

 

If I didn't have enotalone, SuperDave, LittleLion, Mavis, and Beec, I would be a total blubbering mess right now and probably all week..

[Mavis VDSande]

Hiyah,

 

I've been checking up on your posts and I really feel for you. However I feel that it's time for you to be a bit more selfish now.

 

What I mean is, you're in a "survival" situation - so who do YOU need to protect first? The answer is yourself and your two boys. Sitting around umming and ahhring over what she does and what her plans are - well they are not helping anyone. This is not the action of the leopard looking over his cubs.

 

Remember despite what your ex has said - at this moment in time she is NOT WILLING to resolve anything. She just wants to get herself out of your house as fast as possible. So you know what? HELP HER ON HER WAY!

 

Keep busy with yourself - show that your boys come first (and they always will). Let her know that you CAN DEFINITELY LIVE WITHOUT HER.

 

Please don't let her walk all over you. You have the love of your two boys and so much more to look forward too. I know it feels painful right now but the truth is, she's is giving up all this that your family has to offer. Don't think about the future, don't try and speak to her about the rels.

 

Keep us updated!

 

x

[Mavis VDSande]

Kids are sooo cute! When I broke up with my ex, my nephew (4yrs) kept hugging and kissing me more than usual - it did feel like he sensed my unhappiness.

[AllTornUp]

Mavis,

 

I am trying to keep busy. I've got dinners lined up with friends on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, dinner with my boys on Thursday night, and plans to go out with friends on Friday and Saturday nights. She said she was going to visit friends out of town this weekend. My first thought was that I get my bed back for a few nights. But then I thought I'd better just keep sleeping downstairs as the sheets will no doubt smell like her (well, her perfume).

[SuperDave71]

Alltornup,

 

I certainly HOPE you are keeping a journal of what you are writing here. Why? Because when you are thru this...you are going to one day re-read what you have written and think "What the HECK was I thinking?"

 

 

Been there....done that.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[AllTornUp]

Yeah, I actually looked at a few posts I had made when my wife left in 2004. Looking back, I wish I had stuck around. I'm sure I would have healed better/sooner.

 

Back to my current situation though.. I used to IM her a lot. So the last few days she's IM'd me saying I've been quiet today. So I'll chat with her for a bit so I'm not a jerk. Am I a special case that I should do this? Or do I tell her I don't want to IM anymore? Or do I need to get through the next 1.5 weeks and then stop IMing?

[SuperDave71]

You know the answer to that one....

 

 

Your just tooooo stubborn to listen to your head.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[AllTornUp]

I really don't. I could block her on IM, but that is likely to cause friction at home.

 

I just finished a conversation with her trying to be aloof or distant. I just counted the IMs, she had 28 to my 12. In the past it was closer to the reverse.

 

Also, say I block her on IM. Does that mean I should avoid her like the plague at home? She's acting like a roommate or good friend, talking about all sorts of things all the time. I find it difficult to pull away without being a jerk.

 

I don't know, maybe I just need to be a jerk right now...

[Beec]

I might disagree with Dave, but you need to do what you need to do to survive the next 1.5 weeks and to remain as aloof as possible. If you can be friendly and get that done, great. If not, then fine, block her.

 

I think by blocking her or closing ehr off, you are letting her know tht she is getting to you, as much as if you break down crying. One is better for her to see than the other, but both convey that message. If you can be friendly and aloof, and still not block her, then why not. It's about what you can handle. And contact is not easy for you to handle right now.

[SuperDave71]

Nooooooooo...

 

 

Do not block..do not be a jerk...BE A MAN. BE THE MAN YOU USED TO BE BEFORE YOU LET HER TAK "YOU" over.

 

You are consumed with her and putting alot of your valuable time, energy and effort into her and NOT yourself.

 

You be the better person and stick this out. You do NOT have to respond to her IM's but don't block.

 

Go take a quick look in the mirror and realize YOU are all you have besides your children. Do you want your two boys to think Dad is weak!? Noooo way!!You be a father first and worry about this woman down the line.

 

Put that energy you are wasting on her into your family...You will be rewarded by the best things ever..

 

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD BEATS THE HUG FROM A CHILD....ESPECIALLY YOUR OWN!!!

 

 

Think about it.!!!

 

 

SuperDave71

[AllTornUp]

Thanks for the pep talk, Dave. Rather than obsessing over what I should or shouldn't be doing, I need to carry on with my life. Try to get back to where I was before I started dating her.

 

I need to stop thinking about what she may or may not be doing and start thinking only about what I'm doing. Do like Mavis says and be a little selfish