Something suspicious is going on yet AGAIN... Young girls, etc. (Clean version!)

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Hey kitty, how are you doing?

 

Your confusion seems normal for the type of situation you are in, but it's not something that has to be that way any longer than you will allow it.

 

Let's have a look at how you felt when you wrote that upbeat PM to me and ask what had changed for you when you wrote that. What has just happened? What had been your thought processes?

 

He would talk me into staying and I would think, "he really is a good guy at heart and does love me and does want to work things out, and regrets heavily what he did, and does want to get past what happened". Whether stupid to think that or not, that's what my thought was when we talked about stuff.

 

I guess I think that the only way to resolve this situation is for you to change your own perceptions through making a plan, something like:

 

(a) Commit to change - accept unequivocally that this is not an acceptable state of affairs, whatever that means. You don't need to believe this 100% of the time, but take a minute to write it down. Write it down now. The rest of the plan is about what change actually means, and how to implement it. If you don't believe you need to change this state of affairs, read (e) below, or read some of your own posts. That is your fuel for change.

 

(b) Build your kitty portfolio, follow up the sorts of things we have discussed before: let's all help you, however we can, to plot your individual plans:

- how you are going to travel: where, when, to see anything in particular?

- how you are going to further your writing: what sort of writing? Are there courses, magazines?

- how are you going to build on your community work: are there certificates, travel opportunities, people who inspire you?

- anything else?

 

© Work on your self-talk, you need to build your self-esteem within your own mind. You need to tell yourself that you are as special as anyone else. I have probably said this before, but it is fact that if you repeat something to yourself you can eventually believe it. You are reinforcing the synaptic pathways in your brain, and you can make your own feelings improve. The magic is that you truly can be sceptical, but it still works. Remember:

- You are smarter than many, you have the benefit of youth on your side. You are an accomplished young lady.

- Your parents were just flawed people like anyone else. They made their mistakes. Perhaps they are selfish, in their own worlds. Whatever their failings, they do not reflect on you, and they are not indicative of what the world in general has in store for you. Your parents made their choices, within whatever flawed and human decision-making frameworks they had at their disposal. Yes, it was hurtful that they couldn't be the parents you needed them to be, but it's just life. Look at your fiance's daughter - would you want her to assume she's unloveable or will not find happiness in life just because her dad is limited? Just because he doesn't treat her as you know he should? What a tragedy if she goes on to pick men who are unworthy of her because she's just grateful that someone needs her. Kitty you have been granted the power and the capability to transcend your childhood - you need not be trapped by it.

 

 

Yep, screw those creatures. (Parents.) They are not me and I am not them, and they don't shape who I am..

 

Couldn't agree with you more, I really need to build up my self esteem and start making plans with my life. Plans not revolving around a man and our "future", whether there is one in store or not. I need to be focused on me.

 

- You are as worthy as any of us in this world for a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. One that does not involve self-delusion to stay in it. Many troubled, objectively unattractive, unintelligent and socially limited people find fulfilling relationships. Genuinely fulfilling ones, where they do not have any of the worries you do. There is no reason whatsoever why you have to settle.

 

(d) Seek professional help, someone with whom to talk this through in person. A counsellor. Please. And Please Again.

 

I want to; this is on my list of priorities. Soon enough I will and I can't wait.

 

(e) If you are up for it, and if you can make every effort to not let it affect your self-worth, let's be clear about the relationship you have currently chosen. I am working from memory of past posts here so please be kind if I get it wrong:

- He has been in jail, and in his past, had an almost pathalogical need to get in trouble. He has 35 arrests. This is not normal. It is bad. It says a lot about him as a person, and it doesn't matter that it was before you met him.

- He has had a child, and has shown you he is not capable of being a full-time father. He leaves his daughter with his mother and is unreliable. This shows you that having children with him is a bad idea. He is not up to it. He is not up to it RIGHT NOW, this is not something you can blame on his past.

- He has been led by an acquaintance into saying lewd and inappropriate things to a young girl. He did this to 'keep up appearances' with some loser he wanted to impress. He did this while you were very near, this is not the past. It shows you that he is nowhere near getting his act together and being responsible for himself. He cannot be left with anyone with dubious morals.

- You also have doubts about his attitude to teenagers, full stop. Well that's a problem, you know it's a problem. So what if he's not as bad as some of the nasty cases you may have come accross in your community work. Do not let that be your justification for staying with him.

- He is violent and aggressive, to the point where you have no glassware in the house. This is NOT normal, it is very, very bad. You have the other thread where we all went on, with some reasonable horror, about you staying in that environment.

- He is obsessive, and calls you and your friends continually when you are out of the house. He is controlling, and wants to trap you in the house with babies. He is paranoid. You have seen for yourself that he has a personality disorder, a potentially serious one. He is dangerous because he has no insight into his own behaviour, no apparent desire to stop. He sucks up to you to keep you, rather than getting the help he needs. He is trying to entrap you in his world of confusion and fear, rather than step out of his world and live with you in a brighter place.

 

My god kitty, this is your wakeup call. You have said in the past that you are staying for love, in case he changes; that if he cheats he's out, or if he hurts your cats, but otherwise you want to give him 'a chance'.

 

Let there be no doubt: the man is unbalanced, he is unhinged and has little self-control. He loves you out of need; his love is not coming from a self-actualised man but from a very damaged child. You are not going to be able to repair him, your only chance is to distance yourself before you get sucked into his vortex. People like him exist; it is sad, and they are not all bad, but you do not have to marry them. You may be interested in criminology and victimhood but you do not have to get that close.

 

What crime can you possibly have committed to be worthy of this?

 

Of course leaving is going to be hard. But you are a capable person, you know this! You will have moments of doubt and fear, but you can do this. Let this be your great challenge, a chance to be the person you know you are. Get away, book a trip, get some space. Please! Pull beers in a pub somewhere, get some material for the Great Kitty Novel. It's all doable, you just have to 'man up' ('woman up' sounds weird) and make the first small step.

 

 

It's all true, it's all very true. After reading your post I kind of felt sick. Because it's true. I'm an idiot. I am going to go talk to him right now. He's still awake.

 

Thank you Caro.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

And before I go for the night (I am very tired!), I must say one more thing. Everything you said was true and I took it all in, deeply. But the one thing that stuck out to me the most was this: "He is trying to entrap you in his world of confusion and fear, rather than step out of his world and live with you in a brighter place."

 

I'm off, for a talk.

[caro33]

I hope you had a productive talk, I hope you are okay. Let us know how you are, we are thinking about you.

 

And you're not an idiot, you're a bright woman who might have been a little too optimistic, and who could do to value herself more. You also haven't seen what else is out there; the world the rest of us know is out there waiting for you. This can be changed.

[annie24]

hi kitty - we haven't heard from you in a while, how are you doing?

[TheFoglifter]

I want to shop at this store! Sounds like there are a ton of hotties.

 

I haven't read your other posts, so I'm only responding on this thread. The way some of these girls dress and look today, age is irrelevant. She may only "be" 16, but if she's hot, she's hot.

 

Depending on my mood, I may give anywhere from a discrete glance, to a full blown stop in my tracks and watch her as far as I can see her. Its a perfectly normal male thing to look.

 

When he starts getting crude though, that is when the trouble starts. I almost feel bad for him the way you systematically took down each part of his story. He probably shouldn't have gotten on the hotties line since he knew she'd probably say something to you. At least if he had stayed on the longer line the first time, you wouldn't have had as much evidence.

 

Its obviously gone way beyond the point where he can just say "you are paranoid" because now, whether he is innocent or not, your mind is already made up.

 

Instead of asking him whether or not you can or cannot trust him, I would recommend you ask yourself what he has to do to prove his trustworthiness. Don't think of something vague like "he has to be better" because that is not quantifiable, and thereforeeee impossible to measure whether he has or has not done it.

[ghost69]

i hope she is okay. she was off to have a talk a week ago.

[SummerGirl38]

I can honestly say I haven't read you other threads, but what I have gathered from this one is one thing...

 

YOU DON'T TRUST HIM (Not saying you don't have past reasons not to), but the bottom line is still YOU DON'T TRUST THIS GUY AS FAR AS YOU CAN THROW HIM.

 

I was with a guy like that before ( I called him my walking, talking h*rd on).

 

Just in my opinion, if I got to constantly worry when the next skirt is going to get his attention, he just isn't worth it. Life is way too short to be unhappy.

[caro33]

Guys, kitty went to have this talk over two months ago. I was in touch with her after this and she was fine but still dealing with stuff.

 

I wouldn't think it's helpful to keep on the topic of this particular thread. Maybe PM her if you want to see how she is, but I haven't seen her on ENA since the end of January and she's not been in touch with me separately since then either.

[CraziiBeautiful]

I think I like like the way you think!! Men dont realize, their woman always finds out the truth.......eventually.

[Hope75]

Hi Kitty,

 

see that you are back and glad to hear it.

 

Just wanted to see how things are going for you now?

 

Is your fiance behaving himself?

[JadedStar]

I think this relationship has long outlived its shelf life. I think you know that too.