I'm Stuck ...

[hottottie]

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 years now (it will be 6 in February). In the beginning it was great, but the last few years have been "weird". He constantly is checking my myspace, facebook, cellphone(dates, times, numbers), constantly calling asking what i'm doing and when I dont answer he just keeps calling and calling until I do. He questions me all the time. He wants me to call everytime I go somewhere so he knows where I'm going, who i'm with, and what i'm doing. He is a great guy, a great person, but I don't know if I can handle this anymore for myself. We've talked about it plenty of times, and he always has answers that are good answers, but I don't feel i'm living life like I want to. I mean I want to marry this guy and have him be the father of my kids, and he knows this, but I dont want to be surrounded by this kind of issue the rest of my life? I want to be able to go out with the girls, or just go out by myself without being badgered. I also caught him watching porn the other day, didn't say anything about it to him. Its just another thing I can add onto my "list". Leave all the replys you'd like, and don't be offended to speak your mind because I really would like to hear what you are thinking about this!

[mustbefate]

He's either controlling... or something happened to betray his trust... or he has a guilty conscious.

 

Did anything in particular happen before his change in baviour started?

 

-Brian

[hottottie]

nothing. I've never cheated on him, never had a thought to, and as far as i know he hasn't cheated on me. I regained contact with a few girlfriends from high school and started going out with them a few years ago, and rekindled our friendships, and I love them. But I love him too. I ALWAYS choose him over them, for he is MY boyfriend, but the fact of the matter is I dont know if he really sees how much I appreciate him. I tell him, but its like he doesn't believe me. He goes out with his buddies all the time. They go places, do things, I dont question him at all. I just don't understand?

[J6hn]

He's perhaps a little paranoid.

Tell him as much as you can that you love him and he's the only one for you.

It can't hurt to just send an sms or something to him each time you're going to go out with the girls to tell him that that's what you're doing.

If you blatently tell him to stop checking your phone or myspace and reassure him there's nothing there that he wont agree with he'll possibly back off atleast a little bit.

As for a porn thing, question him on his reasons for watching it.

He may feel sexually frustrated.

As his lover it's the responsibilty of both of you to keep your relationship alive, inside and outside of the bedroom, perhaps try something different. Find out his needs, desires, fantasies. Keep yourself as the ONLY object of his desires.

That way he wont cheat and if he's shwoing you're putting lots of effort into the relationship he'll relax more and wont become paranoid.

[someguy1976]

Ah, this is my expertise! Let me tell you first, he is cheating on you! Period, nothing more to say on that. How do I know? Let me ask you a few questions, 1) How is the sex? Is it still great? Has it changed for the worse. Do you find yourself "begging" for it. Is he flat out ignoring you in that department? 2) You say he is "monitoring" your every move, that is a classic sign for one spouse too look for their spouse to mess up, so they have something to blame there wrong doings on, which is you! He calls you all the time, and you feel like he is checking up on you. My guess, like I said, he is using the control tactic and the "warden" tactic, to cover his guilt. The only other possibility is to find out if someone has started a rumor that you have been unfaithful to him, unlikely, but possible. I have dealt with this situation over and over. I bet it's okay for him to have myspace and go out, with out "supervision", but you can not! My plan, do the same * * * *in thing to him! Call him every hour, check his email, monitor his cell phone, check his Internet history and more! Be the biggest pain in the * * * you can, and give him everything he has given you, and he will leave, mark my words. You do not need to love someone like this, and you DEFINATLY do not need to marry him either! Get out while you still can.

[someguy1976]

He's perhaps a little paranoid.

Tell him as much as you can that you love him and he's the only one for you.

It can't hurt to just send an sms or something to him each time you're going to go out with the girls to tell him that that's what you're doing.

 

I don't agree. That is the exact behavior that he is trying to establish, total control. I agree with letting him know you're not going to be home, but as far as ALL the details, he apparently does not believe you are out with the girls, or he wouldn't be calling every 5 mins (exageration) to see if that is what you're doing! He is guilty. Trust me, if you put some spy software on his computer, you will find out for yourself. As far as the sex thing, maybe "J6hn" is right in that aspect, but first things first, you have to find out why there is such a sudden loss of trust here, and then you will find out everything you need to find out. You should never feel like a prisoner in your own home, that's for sure.

[mustbefate]

I'll be as delicate as possible about this one...

 

All I can say is that you've been dating for nearly six years. There must be some plans or discussion of marriage. As such, keep in mind that his behavior towards you may not necessarily change once you get married. Something to keep in mind when planning for the future.

 

-Brian

[hottottie]

he's dust not the same, and that kills me inside. we've tried talking, many many times, and when we do, things get better, but a few days/weeks later, back to square one. It tearing me up, I feel its unhealthy, but i'm also scared. (not for my life or anything like that) I just feel lost ...

[someguy1976]

THEN LEAVE HIM GIRL!! Pack your bags, and say "I'm outta here", why do you want to live in such emotional misery? It will hurt I am sure, but I would not bet that he will be that torn up about you spliting up, as that is probably what he is hoping for so he can shack up with his mistress. I am not usually wrong about my preminitions, and I am telling you this guy is cheating on you! "mustbefate" has a very good point, if anything his behavior will get worse.

[J6hn]

You make a good point, but there's still a chance he's not...

Maybe ask him outright whether he's cheating or not.

[n83]

I think it's completely valid to point out that he may be cheating, or he may have done something at some point in the past. Every guy I know that has been like that, either with me or with one of my female friends, cheated ... and that behavior is what gave it away.

 

Even if he's not, his behavior is NOT something that you should put up with. Don't assume that it wouldn't get worse if by some chance he finally did marry you. If he is that insecure, there isn't a whole lot you can do to make him feel better about you. It's his problem, not yours, and unless and until he resolves it, don't even think about marrying him unless you want to be completely (and legally) miserable.

[someguy1976]

You make a good point, but there's still a chance he's not...

Maybe ask him outright whether he's cheating or not.

 

You have a point, but honestly tell me this, if I were dating you and I had suspected you of cheating, and I asked you "John, have you been cheating on me?" What would you say (assuming you actually had been)? I know what you would say, the same thing they all do, "NO!", only because they think they can keep doing it, and have the wife at home too. Please don't take offense about this, as I know you meant well, but asking him will almost always get an untrue answer

[J6hn]

It would depend on how I felt for you.

To be brutally honest.

I'm sure this applies for most people.

 

I can honestly seeing myself saying that I had been cheating if my feelings towards you weren't amazingly strong.

If I felt an amazing connection to you (I probably wouldn't cheat, but for the sake of this thread..) I'd probably say no and cut myself from the other person.

But if I loved you I'd say yes, but I'd do all in my power to keep you, I'd promise never to do it again, I'd point out flaws in the relationship and offer to devote myself entirely to you and to fixing the issues.

 

I consider myself a commitment person.

Personally I could never see myself cheating.

And I have zero tollerance for people who are unfaithful to me. But if I truly loved them I'd do all I could to rekindle the relationship.

[hottottie]

i feel like i've tried and tried, and I just don't wnat to try anymore. I see it as being a waste of time trying to figure "us" out and the situation of him acting jealous and thinking i'm not trustworthy. I did nothing in my time to make him think so, and its putting me in this hard place. I think about being with him, and then i think about not being with him. Its ridiculous I know. Maybe i'm just ridiculous. Committing 6 years of my life to him, hasnt been hard, but it seems to be getting harder these days (not in the fact i want to be with soemone else) its just getting harder to see through this issue he has and see him for what I used to see him as! (if that makes sense). :sad:

[annie24]

People generally won't accuse you of something they wouldn't do themselves. If he is always checking up on you, it is possible he is doing something bad himself..... Either that, or he is super controlling, neither of which is a good scenario. You are smart to reconsider things before you get married.

[ZoeMatthews]

Ah, this is my expertise! Let me tell you first, he is cheating on you! Period, nothing more to say on that. How do I know? Let me ask you a few questions, 1) How is the sex? Is it still great? Has it changed for the worse. Do you find yourself "begging" for it.

 

I soooo totally agree with this statement!!

 

My brother-in-law did it to my sister. He would get angry at my sister if she came home late...she couldn't go anywhere because he would be checking up on her...mind you, at this point, they had been together for 7 years!! his behaviour changed from day to night! All the things he had been doing, he had accused my sister of doing...

 

It also happened with my ex-boyfriend..., ask your bf flatly what is going on, but I bet you 99.9% of the problem is another woman...of course, beign a guy and all, he will deny it..

 

(((HUGE HUGS))))

 

I know 6 years is a long time to be in a relationship...and you might be tempted to stick around...Its up to you if you want to stay though...

 

Good luck!

[Amid]

Fixing his behavior is not your job.

Your job is to enforce your boundaries.

 

If he has no evidence to suggest you are cheating, then he cannot consider his belief rational. If he's not cheating himself, and he really believes that you are cheating, that belief is quite painful. He is in pain.

 

Show empathy, but remember it is not your job to fix his problem. He needs to take care of himself. Suggest he see a therapist because you've shown that there is no evidence that you're unfaithful and yet his belief continues. He's being irrational and that behavior is harming the relationship.

 

You mention you have "a list." Could he be picking up on your growing dissatisfaction with him, and now he's starting to panic? People don't have "lists" about their boyfriends unless there's a growing problem.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

I agree with someguy1976.

 

His behaviors can very well be signs of cheating. He could be trying to find something wrong with you (something you're doing that's wrong, rather), so that he can justify his behaviors (cheating). He may also be trying to focus everything on YOU just to get the attention away from himself.

 

Also, his constant checking up on you and general mistrust could be a result of him thinking, "it's easy for me to cheat and get away with it . . . so it could just be as easy for her to cheat and hide it from me." That is to say, maybe he thinks you could be cheating because he knows how easy it is to get away with it.

 

I dunno what to say. If I were in your shoes, I would wait until I have true proof that he is cheating. (If your mind's creative enough, you'll figure out a way to find out.) But then again, who wants to endure in such a relationship? Might as well just leave him.

[Chante]

He constantly is checking my myspace, facebook, cellphone(dates, times, numbers), constantly calling asking what i'm doing and when I dont answer he just keeps calling and calling until I do. He questions me all the time. He wants me to call everytime I go somewhere so he knows where I'm going, who i'm with, and what i'm doing.

 

He's a bit controlling don't you think checking your Myspace and Emails. He's jealous you need to watch out for him because I do not like jealous men because sometimes they take it too far you need to Address this and tell him that you don't like what he's been doing and it makes you uncomfortable. He's keeping Tabs on you I don't have a boyfriend and would not want one like that ever no offense but I really think this is a Red Flag for you something is not right