Meant To Be or Not Meant To Be; That is the Question

[enoughisenough]

Scenario:

The one that you love left you to "explore" themselves, and to be on his/her own to realize if it is meant to be. If you were in a heavy duty relationship for a really long time (over 4+ years), how long do you think it would take for them to find the answers?

What are the signs that it would eventually work out, and what are the signs that it wouldn't?

Would dating somebody else be a sign to finally let go? Or would it be that they are just trying to compare the two relationships. If NC goes on for over a month is it a sign that it is over?

If deep down in your heart you really believe that it is meant to be what are we supposed to think?

 

Hope everybody had a great Christmas! May this year bring all of us happier times.

[dnozzle]

The fact that she is asking for space is reason enough to let it go. She wants to be free to see other people. That is the beginning of the end, my friend.

 

She may or may not ever come back, but you will torture yourself worrying about it unless you move on and let her go.

[Aschleigh]

It seems like if someone leaves you , it's not fair to you to not move on.

If they come back then they do, but chances are they won't.

If someone needs time to "explore" themselves without you, it's a good sign you should not be together . Who knows?

But it's your life and I wouldn't suggest waiting for someone to come back.

Focus on yourself and see what it is you really need.

[terk2021]

First off, I am sorry to hear about your relationship being over. As for time to find themselves, it depends on their past (has this person always been in relationships, never been alone, bad childhood...).

 

I would give them the space they asked for. I did the opposite with my ex, and I believe there is very little chance we will ever get back together because of it.

 

I don't think dating someone else would necessarily signal the end, because that person may be exploring to determine if you are truly the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

 

NC for 1 month does not mean it's over, it just means that person may need more time.

 

If you truly love this person, then write them a letter and let you know how you feel. Let them know that you love them, and would very much like to be back with them, or start over in the relationship. Let them know that you are moving forward in life, and respecting their wishes for time and space to figure out what they want. It's really not giving them an ultimatum, but they should know that you will not be sitting around and waiting for them.

 

This was great advice given to me, that I did not have the strength to follow. I let her know I miss her too much, and did not give her any space.

 

If it's meant to be, she will come back. That is something so hard to trust in.

If it's not, you will be on your road to recovery much quicker.

 

Cheers

[BigVoid]

We all have that optimistic side that wants to believe that they'll come back, but the odds are against that. (Of course, that same optimistic side also believes that you'll beat the odds.) Give them the space they need and take this time to do the same. It's hard, but who knows, you may find that you don't need this confusion and move on to a less complicated relationship.

[Firedancer03]

If you truly love this person, then write them a letter and let you know how you feel. Let them know that you love them, and would very much like to be back with them, or start over in the relationship. Let them know that you are moving forward in life, and respecting their wishes for time and space to figure out what they want. It's really not giving them an ultimatum, but they should know that you will not be sitting around and waiting for them.

 

 

I agree with this. This is what I did after about 2.5 months of being "friends" with my ex and I realized that although I loved him and wanted to be with him, I also needed to move on. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to have a relationship with him again in the future, but that I understood those feelings were not reciprocated at this time. I also told him that I respected his decision to end the relationship but that I needed to move on, and being "friends" was too hard on me. This was a result of him not knowing what he was going to want in the future (this is what he told me). So there was nothing else left for me to do but to leave him be to figure out what he wanted. He didnt ask for space (he was devastated when I told him I didnt want to be friends). But as a result, I have found that I am healing a lot more in these past 3 weeks than I have in that 2.5 months after the breakup.

 

 

In my opinion, there is no set rubrick we can apply for whats going to happen to each couple in the world after a breakup. I know some couples who have broken up for good, and others who have had their ex come back after as long as 1.5 years of being broken up (!!!). So there's really no way anone can say "well they might come back, but chances are they won't." It all depends on the people involved and every person and every situation is different.

 

I agree with terk, if its meant to be, it will be, no matter what. If its not meant to be, that means that you will find someone even better for you in the future. As terk said, its the hardest thing to trust in, but its really the truth. There are really no "signs" that the ex will come back or not. Seeing someone else or 1 month of NC do not necessarily mean she won't come back, and they also don't necessarily mean that will. For now, just take it one day at a time and focus on healing and working on you. That way, no matter what happens you will be in a much better place emotionally to deal with whatever is in store for you

[heloladies21]

If you were in a heavy duty relationship for a really long time (over 4+ years), how long do you think it would take for them to find the answers?

There is simply no evidence to suggest that they will ever find the answers as this is a BS excuse for her losing interest. It's simply a way to avoid the guilt associated with hurting your feelings instead of telling you straight up that she's not interest.

 

What are the signs that it would eventually work out, and what are the signs that it wouldn't?

Break ups are for real and all indications are that you two won't get back together. A "sign" that she's reconsidering is if she says something to the effect of "I've made a mistake and want to try again", but anything less than that including "we'll get back together in the future" is speculation and leads to false hope, wasted time, and a worse broken heart.

 

Would dating somebody else be a sign to finally let go? Or would it be that they are just trying to compare the two relationships.

If she's dating someone else, then this is proof that she has emotionally cut her bond with you. She broke this bond sometime before, but this is a point of no return.

 

If NC goes on for over a month is it a sign that it is over?

Length of time of NC is a non factor.

If deep down in your heart you really believe that it is meant to be what are we supposed to think?

This is at the heart of the issue and what each dumpee needs to come to grip with before they can move on, to realize that the relationship is over and look at the big picture instead of reading into false hope. If not, then the dumpee can never get to the point where they truly get over the ex and this wastes a lot of time and causes heartache.

 

The obvious answer is there, she no longer sees a future for the both of you. But it's up to you to realize it.

[enoughisenough]

I agree with you all, thank you soo much for your help in a time of need.

It has been 3 weeks of NC and I feel like I am not progressing a whole lot. I keep on getting nightmares of my ex and it only keeps me up all night. I wake up sweaty and have these crazy thoughts of them throughout the day that is eating me up inside.

I want to move on, I really do, because I know that the bomb is really going to hit me one day when my "ex found somebody else."

Even though I am trying to see other people to get me over the past relationship my ex is still constantly on my mind and hurts very much inside.

How much longer of NC do you think it will take to get over this horrible feeling? I guess this past day it has been really hard on me because we share an account for uploading photographs online, and I saw a pictures from a party where she took pics with some other guy and his arm all over her, with her smile that I always loved. It really set me waaay back just seeing those pics.

I know, I need to get a new account whih I have already done so I dont have to see that crap again. However, the curiosity of wanting to know what she really is doing is eating me up alive as well. I feel like I NEED to check the account.

Does this ever end?

[SuperDave71]

enoughisenough,

 

 

Hey buddy. I know your hurting and really confused. Let me give you a bit of friendly advice.

 

 

I date my ex for 7 and a half years. She let me and I was devistated. After healing, the REASON I was devistated was because I made myself believe SHE was the only one who could or would ever love me. I made myself believe that I needed her for basic survival.

 

It was me the whole time making her out to be something she never was. I forgot who I was and allowed myself to change the very core of who I was to please her...

 

 

When people, including myself, do this...sometimes they say they do it out of love. Through my years of healing, I have learned ONE very important thing about love...

 

Ya ready?...

 

 

Ya listening?...

 

 

Love starts with you!! If you don't love yourself and you think you can have someone come along and "show you what love is"..you will be disappointed at the result.

 

Let me ask you a simple question?

 

How can you find what you don't know your looking for?

 

 

Meaning: How can you look for love when you don't know what love is.

 

 

How do you love yourself? Easy...You treat yourself the way you expect others to treat you.

 

You should have the following qualities:

 

1.respect

2.positivity

3.courage

4.honesty

5.admiration

6.trust

7.hope

 

 

You should be able to make your own list. I am sure you can think of many more you can add. When you lose who you are in order to please someone else...THIS is not love. I am sorry but it isn't in my opinion.

 

To give up you to be loved by another is selling yourself short.

 

 

Let me ask you another question:

 

Why wait on someone (despite your love for them) when you have NO CONTROL over them whatsoever..

 

There is a statue in Savannah, Georgia of a woman and her child overlooking the sea...she is staring out at the wave crashing and ships passing in the night. What is so special about this? She waited for her husband..for years and he NEVER returned. To honor her, they placed a statue.

 

 

Why wait? If someone doesn't love you enough to stay...it is possible in the future but why wait for something you have NO control over.

 

If you move on, and love another INCLUDING yourself and they come back...on two things will transpire:

 

1. If you are not already commited, you make a choice whether or not you can love them again

 

2. You moved on...period

 

 

You have to stop obsessing and realize they have let you down easily. You must be man enough to acceot this decision and deal with it the best you can. I hate it for you and wish you the best, I really do. Turn your fear into positive power. Use that strength within yourself to make positive changes in your live and apply them everyday.

 

Learning to let go of fear and taming it and turning into postive energy is the first step.

 

 

You can do this...

 

 

Take care my friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[enoughisenough]

enoughisenough,

 

Why wait on someone (despite your love for them) when you have NO CONTROL over them whatsoever..

 

Why wait? If someone doesn't love you enough to stay...it is possible in the future but why wait for something you have NO control over.

 

SuperDave71

 

Super Dave,

 

Thanks for the help! I have read your topics and replies in other forums and I take what you say to heart!

 

I feel like I need to wait it out for a while because the whole purpose of our break was for her to see if she can one day marry me. Our last conversation 3 weeks ago was how she loved me more and knew that she LOVES me and will always LOVE me. She said that she wants to be with me but she needs to be alone to get rid of some doubts before so that when we do get back together we would be unbreakable. She just needed a break to "explore" herself and see if she can overcome some of the doubts that she had inside her head. Doubts that she did not know exactly what they were but wanted to try to be alone and overcome them.

 

In short, I feel like she does love me and wants to be with me. But needs to overcome whatever she is feeling inside before getting back in the relationship.

 

This is why I feel like I am in a hole! My mindset these 3 weeks are to just leave and if she comes back then it will be my decision to re-spark the flame. However, I did not think that after going NC for 3 weeks would be this hard because she has yet to contact me back (she usually always contacts me, even when we broke up 2 years ago and got back together after 1.5 years). I'm wondering what her situation is like. If there is progress or anything!

[SuperDave71]

enoughisenough,

 

 

Use your time wisely...if you put this much effort in loving yourself, maybe you wouldn't feel the way you do.

 

 

I do however wish you the best....no matter what!

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[krnelson2]

enoughisenough,

I know exactly how you feel, I have been in an identical situation the last 2 months. My ex said those exact same things and I became very depressed and my life came to a hault waiting for her to come back. Its hard man, its really hard. And the last thing I wanted was to let her go, but I finally realized that thats what I needed to do. Just take things one day at a time. Tell yourself every morning that today is going to be a good day. Focus on yourself, not her. I have finally started to be able to respect myself and love myself. We are all here for you and you can talk to us whenever you need. But please try and learn to respect yourself. Heres a question for you (and one that has been asked many times on this site, and one that really made me realize what I needed to do)

 

Would you want to get back together with someone who was a complete mess and is as weak as you are right now?

 

The answer for me was no. You really need to take control of your life. Dont let yourself get this down its really not healthy. If you really feel the need to contact her then do it, but dont let her see how you are feeling. I would wait until you have truly started to feel better though. Hang out with friends, fill that void in your life with positive situations. Then when you feel the time is right let her know how good you have been, and that you can in fact function with out her in your life. Its what i told myself I would do, and in less than a week I have seen a huge change in my life. She misses you, thats a fact. Just think about that, dont think about what she is doing cause honestly there is nothing you can do about that. This whole situation is uncahngeable at this point. Nothing you do will MAKE her come back. When and if she is ready she will come back, and if not then you really need to put yourself in a situation to handle that. It will get easier but you need to make some changes. I'm not preaching here, this is exactly what I have been going through and it helps a lot. I was in your exact situation for almost 2 months and my life just got very unhealthy. Only you can change that. Today is the day! I'm sorry you have to feel this way, nobody deserves to feel this way, but life can really throw some curveballs at you. If you truly want to be happy then give her space and learn to be a strong person on your own. God bless and please keep us posted with your progress. Please remember you have a ton of friends here to help you through this. Peace