NC after sex and feeling bad - please help!

[hurtgirl]

I made a huge mistake! I am married and have a married co-worker/friend that I have known for a few years now. We've been attracted to each other and flirt with each other over email and text messaging all of the time. We enjoyed the attention from each other but it was really harmless - neither of us would ever leave our spouse, but was nice to get that "nice" feeling from someone...but it went too far. A few days ago and had sex. I am having a hard time dealing with what I did and have been so depressed over it. To make matters worse, I have seen him around the office but he hasn't talked to me, emailed, or texted me since. Not only am I full of so much guilt and feeling used but dealing with it alone. I have been tempted to send him a note, but don't know what to say. What should i do?

[Beec]

Well, you need to speak with him and you should tell him you were both wrong and that it should never happen again. And I would then hope one of you gets a new job.

 

The guilt you feel is yours. He might feel guilty for betraying his wife, but you should feel it for betraying your husband. Your spouses are the ones that were used, wrongly. Unless you were raped, you could have stopped it at anytime. Deal with the guilt, let it gnaw at you for a long time. It should.

[amtjrtcet]

You're hurt? Think how your husband would feel.

[agent1607307371]

Don't contact him. I don't think he will react well and may make you feel worse. If you need to speak to someone (and I'm going to assume that confession to your spouse is ootq here) then speak to a priest or a councellor.

 

Unfortunately, this is the bad outcome that can arise when you seek the "nice" feeling from people other than those we are in a relationship with, so put your energies there and work at getting that back with your husband.

[Luke Skywalker]

This post is disturbing. You are more worried about NC with this guy more than telling your husband what you did? That doesn't speak much about your marriage. I think you should tell your husband what you did.

[yeawutever]

Well with affairs, you have to understand that's only a fantasy and doesn't have all the components a commited relationship have. What I'm questioning now is why are you more concerned about what the married man feels than working on your marriage? I woudl say get a new job and don't have any contact with him. You would have to inform your husband what happened, think about it, if it was him having an affair, wouldn't you want to know about it?

[Portage]

I would think that if you really wished to work on your marriage - DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND - Work on yourself, stay AWAY from you co-worker and work on making your marriage a healthy, loving bond.

 

If not, leave your husband and allow him to find happiness with someone he deserves.

[Rabican]

I would say that if he has not made an attempt to see or contact you since, you do the same. In the meantime start looking for a new job, and swear to yourself, god and whoever else you can swear to that you wont do it again. Next time, stop with the flirting way way way before it gets to this point... flirting is never that 'HARMLESS'. Look where it led.

[hurtgirl]

I know that my husband would be hurt more than I could even imagine and I do care about that. My relationship with him has not been good for a long time and we love each other, but we just don't have much in common. I want to be with him, but need to feel wanted as well...I don't get that from him anymore. This may be normal after being together for so long, but there has to be a way. I don't want to be the type of person who cheats, but the fact is that I did it and now even the other guy is acting strange. I feel completely hopeless now!

[Beec]

The answer hurtgirl is to put your time, energy, thought and effort into making your marriage something it can and should be. If you ask about that, I'd be happy to suggest things, but I would also make darn sure you are not giving your husband an STD, because he does not deserve that.

[hurtgirl]

You were right, but it was hard to avoid since we see each other all of the time. The conversation did not go BAD, but didn't help me feel any better. He said that he doesn't want to be the type of person that does this and wants to be able to work with me without any bad feelings. We both know of each other's problems in our marriage and know that this is not helping the situation and agreed that this could not happen again. I haven't told my husband yet and don't know if I can. I want to feel better about myself but the truth is that this was not something that I didn't want - he did too, but now even the friendship will not be the same. Did I let him off too easily? I really can't expect anything here...you know? But I keep beating myself up over this and really don't know what to do.

[Luke Skywalker]

have much in common. I want to be with him, but need to feel wanted as well...I don't get that from him anymore.

 

You dont get that from him anymore. Well, now I understand a premise for cheating or committing adultery, you are not getting something from your spouce, and that's a feeling of being wanted, and someone else is giving it to you. What do you mean by 'wanted'? This is most interesting.

 

But it's still wrong to cheat. I think that you should really talk to your husband about these underlying issues and go for relationship counselling THEN you can disclose to your husband about what you did during or after these more fundamental issues are resolved.

[hurtgirl]

By feeling "wanted", I mean that he wants to be with me and if not with me talking or hanging out with me. My husband doesn't really talk much to me and whenever I do start conversations with him about things that are important to me like stuff going on with work or about my weight, hair, etc - girl stuff I know, but I wanted to hear him say that I look good or sexy to him or just be there to make me feel better. The work thing was what me and the other guy had most in common, so I knew he could completely understand when we talked about "that meeting" or the things going on corporately that would effect us...he just understood and my husband doesn't even try. I hate to do this to anyone, but it happened and is now too late...I do feel so bad!!

[Beec]

Well, I think it is good you feel bad. I think that might be a good motivator for you working on fixing your marriage.

 

But you need to explain the marriage issues more than that if you want advice.

[marathoner55]

You were right, but it was hard to avoid since we see each other all of the time. The conversation did not go BAD, but didn't help me feel any better.

 

Actually, that is OK. Unless you get a different job, you are going to have to work with him. People can be intimate, then decide they don't want to be intimate in the future, and progress to a different type of relationship (just friends, just acquaintances, etc.)

 

He said that he doesn't want to be the type of person that does this and wants to be able to work with me without any bad feelings.

This sounds very mature of him. He is telling you that it happened, he does not want it to happen again, but he wants to have a normal (non intimate) relationship with you. This is VERY mature.

 

We both . . . . agreed that this could not happen again.

It sounds like you would be OK with continuing the affair but he would not, and that you "agreed" with his view not to continue. Probably a good idea not to fully disclose you'd like to continue, right after he says he wants to cut it. Slightly dishonest, but under the circumstances probably a good idea!

 

But its only a good idea if you acknowledge within yourself that you want him, he does not want you, and you are not going to be put into the weak position of tellling him how you really feel. Have you looked within yourself and acknowledged thats what you feel?

 

I haven't told my husband yet and don't know if I can.

You need to ask yourself what good will come from volunteering to tell your husband. What are the pros and cons?

Pro Yes there may be a benefit to opening lines of communication with him and improving the relationship.

Cons But it also may backfire in your relationship with your husband. It could torpedo what is left. Plus disclosure may not stop with your husband if he blabs it to your co-worker's wife, so there is somebody else's relationship which you might be endangering.

 

It is not an easy decision. But remember this: Once you tell him, you can't un-tell him. So don't rush into it.

 

I want to feel better about myself . . . . . Did I let him off too easily? I really can't expect anything here...you know?

Feeling better about yourself will not come from letting him off hard or letting him off easy. You are hurt. You will feel better when you acknowledge your feelings, understand where you are coming from, and decide exactly how much effort you wish to spend, or not spend, on making your marriage better.

 

But I keep beating myself up over this and really don't know what to do.

There probably is nothing more to do. You had an affair. Its over. Your husband did not find out. The wife of the co-worker did not find out. You and the co-worker did not have a huge fight, but you did not kiss and make up, so you are back to being friendly co-workers, nothing more and nothing less. You are marching forward as a responsible adult, and so is he.

 

The two big questions are:

1. How the heck can you move forward within your own relationship and enhance the lines of communication?

2. If your own relationship is crummy, and remains crummy, and on some future date romantic temptation presents itself again, what are you going to do?

 

Here is what I would do: Make yourself a resolution to NOT give in to temptation until you have done everything possible to work on your relationship. Pick a time period and stick with it! For example, you can remain living like a nun for 3 to 6 months while you do everything humanly possible to rekindle the love with your husband. After 3 to 6 months if he's still about as communicative as a bump on a log, then reconsider your decision about giving in to temptation. But you will feel lousy if you have another affair BEFORE giving your husband a fair chance to reform and become a better communicator and more passionate, intimate life-partner.

[Luke Skywalker]

By feeling "wanted", I mean that he wants to be with me and if not with me talking or hanging out with me. My husband doesn't really talk much to me and whenever I do start conversations with him about things that are important to me like stuff going on with work or about my weight, hair, etc - girl stuff I know, but I wanted to hear him say that I look good or sexy to him or just be there to make me feel better.

 

I see. Like I said you should talk to your husband about these issues. Have you ever tried to talk to him about it? Maybe you should do this now.

 

The work thing was what me and the other guy had most in common, so I knew he could completely understand when we talked about "that meeting" or the things going on corporately that would effect us...he just understood and my husband doesn't even try.

 

How many years into the marriage is this? How were you initially attracted to your husband? How long did you have a relationship/dating before you married? When did the break-down of communication or 'wanting' occur? How is it some other guy would have more in common than your husband, if the premise you dated/married your husband is likely that you had something in common?

 

I hate to do this to anyone, but it happened and is now too late...I do feel so bad!!

 

You feel bad about cheating, or you feel bad about the other guy going on NC and not providing the means for the adultery to continue?

[hurtgirl]

I have been married for 8 years and my husband works ALL of the time! We both work full time and I go out with my work friends and he does with his, so we really don't get out much TOGETHER. We have just kept growing apart over all of these years, and if I don't bring up the subject, he will never say anything about it. I have tried talking to him about it and he wants me to tell him exactly what he needs to do and I've even tried that but feel like I'm being needy...for example, once I told him that it use to make me feel so special to get flowers for no special reason, or go out to dinner and a movie on a work night - just want him to want to be with me - this is what I get... he told me that flowers are just too expensive and the date night never happens because he ends up working late or being too tired for it. I am not making excuses for my actions, but I guess that I just gave up since he doesn't try.

[hurtgirl]

Thanks for the advice

[Luke Skywalker]

I am not making excuses for my actions, but I guess that I just gave up since he doesn't try.

 

You are not making excuses for your actions - but in a sense you are, because you are saying that 'you gave up because he doesn't try' and would seem to be justifying your husband's response to cheating. I mean, that's how it goes. If you husband cant give you just flowers because they are too expensive, or just take you out for dinner one night, and this is important to you, then it sounds like a really cold marriage.

 

Anyway, my religious text says that adultery is immoral and is a sin and can not be excused for any reason, if you wanted a pleutonic friend who wanted to take you out for dinner, it didn't have to end in sex, it didn't have to go that far. I have pleutonic friends that I will give flowers to or give gifts, or take out for dinner and a movie or whatever, but I wouldn't pursue sex with them. It's too bad your other friend wasn't an asexual or not sexual or something so that sex wouldn't have been pursued. You should only hang out with people who are asexual or who are not sexual in the future so that sex isn't part of the equation.

 

Hopefully when you tell your husband that should serve as a wake-up call that you both will either get divorced or he'll get his act together if he really wants the marriage to work out. Either way I think you should tell your husband, get this over with and just move on in life one way or the other.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think you need to focus on the fact that it was a BIG mistake, and maybe the other man realized that immediately and is avoiding you because he is guilty AND doesn't want it to happen again. Once you crossed the line between flirtation to adultery, there is no turning back, and nothing will be the same between you and that man.

 

you now need to suck it up and do the right thing, which is cut off contact with the other man, and maybe attend some counseling to understand why you would risk your marriage and hurt your spouse that way. If the marriage is the problem, then attend marriage counseling.

 

but don't embarrass yourself or this other man further by pursuing conversations with him. just recognize that you made a huge mistake and work on moving forward away from it.

[Beec]

I think you laid out above reasons that you don't feel as happy in your marriage right now. Have you ever thought about reasons why your husband does not do the things he used to? Have you ever thought about what will alter his behavior in a way you would like, or why it changed from what it was?

 

You want him to take you to dinner and bring your flowers, but what are or were you doing that would make him want to do such things? Your husband may have settled into having things comfortable, but at the least, you let him.

 

Now, maybe now, you will think about what you did and try to chanell some effort into what he feels. In everything you mentioned above, at no time did you write anything about what he feels.

[marathoner55]

Have you ever thought about reasons why your husband does not do the things he used to? Have you ever thought about what will alter his behavior in a way you would like, or why it changed from what it was?

Good point, Beec.

 

You want him to take you to dinner and bring your flowers, but what are or were you doing that would make him want to do such things?

Good point, Beec. However, instead of asking "but what are you doing" to help, perhaps you have a suggestion for her of what she might do? For example, she states she has talked about things in her day, but the husband shows no interest. What do you suggest she talk about instead?

 

Your husband may have settled into having things comfortable, but at the least, you let him.

Ouch, Beec.

 

Now, maybe now, you will think about what you did and try to chanell some effort into what he feels.

Double-ouch.

 

I think people drift apart for lots of reasons. We have no information about why they drifted apart, or what efforts she made (or failed to make) to rectify the situation.

 

In my view, blaming her ("you let him") is not justified.

 

And the tone of the next statement ("Now, maybe now, you will think about what you did . . . ") seems unhelpful.

 

Unless, of course, you have been getting some PMs and you have some information that is not publicly available on the forum.

[Beec]

Good point, Beec.

 

Good point, Beec. However, instead of asking "but what are you doing" to help, perhaps you have a suggestion for her of what she might do? For example, she states she has talked about things in her day, but the husband shows no interest. What do you suggest she talk about instead?

 

Ouch, Beec.

 

Double-ouch.

 

I think people drift apart for lots of reasons. We have no information about why they drifted apart, or what efforts she made (or failed to make) to rectify the situation.

 

In my view, blaming her ("you let him") is not justified.

 

And the tone of the next statement ("Now, maybe now, you will think about what you did . . . ") seems unhelpful.

 

Unless, of course, you have been getting some PMs and you have some information that is not publicly available on the forum.

 

Before making suggestions, I think one needs to know what the issues are between then. She wants him to engage in certain activities or do certain things. And it seems clear that life is in a rut for the couple. But, life is not a fairy tale, and it takes two people to get into a rut in a relationship. If you keep things fresh, your partner is not getting into a rut. If you go day-to-day without changing anything, without keeping hi or her on her tows, then ruts happen.

 

If you want butterflies, then you need to create the nervous tension that butterflies come from. If you want sparks, then you need to have some tension to release it. If you create some small amount of tension and release it regularly, then you won't be getting into a rut, and neither will your partner.

 

As far as the ouches, I will admit to having little sympathy for people who cheat. Had the original poster come here asking for help with regard to her marriage, she might have received a more sympathetic response. She didn't. She came her asking for advice on how to talk to the man with whom she cheated.

[sky508]

I have recently been in similar situation. I have been in a long-term marriage and we love each other but no spark anymore. I worked with a man and there was that instant attraction, flirting. He left the job and wanted to stay in touch. I honestly fell in love with this man. I never slept with him because of how emotional I was for him and he wanted a NSA fling. I couldn't bring myself to have sex knowing there was no emotion from him and it was just for fun. I'm devestated to never see him again but I am entering counseling to figure out why I wanted to cheat. I know it's because it feels great to have that passion for someone again so should I be married? I am tormented now for how inappropriate I have acted towards my co-worker and for emotionally cheating on my husband. I have told my husband what happened, I know I have hurt him but I could never live with the guilt over feeling so strongly for someone else and I wanted to know if he still wanted to stay married to me and he said yes. He's amazing. I know how you're hurting. Seek talk therapy.

[Beec]

sky508,

 

First welcome to enotalone. Please stick around.

 

You just called your husband amazing, and that's great. But, your readiness to cheat was not. I have no complaint about your desire to cheat. I doubt a man or woman has gone a few years in any marriage, with a normal sex drive, without some thought tending toward infidelity. But your guilt, sorry but that's good stuff, you should feel it and not want to feel it ever again.

 

My prior post about tension and release is really on. Relationships get stale, when we get in a rut. Not too long ago, a woman posted on ehre with a similar situation. She was attracted to another man, and loved her husband. I suggested she put her energy into her husband. The particualr sugegstion involved her arranging for a dinner for the two of them, and then near the end of dinner, going to the ladies room to come back and put her panties in his pocket. She did, it worked fairly well. If you were to ever try it, then just make sure you are flirting a bit with your husband before you make that big move. If he does not flirt back, don't do it.

 

my biggest suggestion it to grab your husband and kiss him and tell him what you wrote above. Let him know you think "He's amazing."