To tell or not to tell, that is the question

[kittysaysmeow]

Just a general question...

 

Would you tell your SO if you cheated on him/her?

 

* And no, I'm not asking because I cheated. I just had this convo with some gfs and I'd like to see what other people think.

[Satsuma]

Yes, you have to be honest in a relationship and shouldnt keep secrets.

[kittysaysmeow]

I've heard so many different answers to this question. I remember reading in Cosmo that you shouldn't if you want to continue the relationship.

 

I dunno. Everyone says to tell but should you really?

 

(I cheated once on my ex and told him. I caused so much pain...I've always wondered if I did the right thing).

[Satsuma]

Well its unfair on the person to not know about the unfaithfullness of their partner. And it wont make the relationship continue because youll be living with the guilt.

[kittysaysmeow]

I agree with you Dark.Angel.

 

Any other POVs?

[dierberg]

From someone who has been told - I would say don't tell. It really messes things up! If someone feels the need to cheat, then they should get out of the relationship.

[Day_Walker]

I have never cheated on a SO, but if I did, I would not tell them. All telling the truth is going to do is sabotage the relationship. Now if the cheating turns into a prolonged situation then I dont believe that you should be in the relationship in the first place but people always rationalize why the remain in the relationship and still cheat.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Whether you tell right away or not, its going to come out at some point or another in the relationship. Obviously if you're going to cheat on someone you don't care abotu that person so why would matter if it ends the relationship? I just dont understand these people who sit here and are like "well I didnt mean to cheat", if you didnt mean to cheat you should never have in the first place.

 

Anyway, my point is if i'm in a relationship and I get cheated on Iwould rather be told so I can go on about my way and leave the cheater far behind.

[Hope75]

I have heard both sides of the coin- that if it was a one time thing and you recognized your mistake and letting on meant the end of the relationship than not to-

 

 

and I have heard that you should be 100% honest with your partner and give them that respect and allow them to make a choice with the knowledge that you were unfaithful, and I can sort of see the viewpoints from both sides.

 

I have also heard both takes from victims of cheating- some wanted to know, others wished they had never found out.

 

I know I have been cheated on, but have never cheated on anyone, and if I did (which I would not), I would come clean because I could not live with myself otherwise.

[PrincessJOA]

if i cheated on my bf, i'll keep it in the closet. i wont want him to found out EVER

[kittysaysmeow]

Hope75 - I agree with you as well. I'm more or less on the fence about the whole topic. I have a friend that says she would never tell if she cheated because it's selfish. According to her, it would only hurt your SO.

 

In my situation (happened years ago), I was breaking up with him because I cheated and didn't want to continue on with the relationship. Part of me thinks it would have been easier on him had I not said anything about the cheating.

[jimthzz]

You must tell the truth even if it means the possible end to your marriage or relationship.

 

It is not the revelation of infideltiy that causes the pain, it is the infidelity itself.

 

Everyone of us deserves to know the truth of their life. It only continues the betrayal and raises the risk of future adultery to not tell about the affair.

 

Of course, not cheating in the first place is the best course of action.

 

But not having done that, you owe your spouse the truth.

 

Yes, the airing of your lies and betrayal will feel bad -- for you. Nobody wants to have someone who loves them find out they have utterly failed them.

 

But you really have to find the courage to do it if you have cheated.

 

It is pure selfishness to not tell, a continuation of the infidelity.

[Beec]

I have last cheated on anyone who thought I was their boyfriend or more in the 1980s, so it has been a while. However, I have known cheaters who told and did not tell. I would not tell and certainly would not tell right away, unless I wanted to end the relationship. Telling right away is too often done by those who feel guilty and need to get it off their chest. Sorry, but it should burn in your chest not get off of it. If youw ant to end it, then do so, don't tell about you cheating. If you don't want it to end, get yourself tested for STDs, and don't have sex until you think you are free of them, and then take your boots off and fling them at your behind for a year or so before you think you should tell.

[kittysaysmeow]

I guess it really depends on the person!

 

I've been cheated on and I can truly say that I wish I didn't know. Just break up with me without telling me about the cheating!

 

I don't ever want to cheat again...I've learned my lesson. But if I had to break up with my ex all over again I don't think I would have told him.

 

I sometimes find people that tell the truth about cheating selfish. It's like you want to other person to take away your guilt or something. So not only did you cheat on them but you're also trying to make yourself feel better by hurting them more.

[rms8]

If I cheated on my SO I don't think I could not tell him. Every time I was with him I probably couldn't help but break down and cry so I'd have to tell him.

[texami]

In general, I'm on the "don't tell" side of this one. Especially if it's in the past and not affecting things. Cheating makes the other person feel so miserable... they place blame on themselves for something their partner did. This is one of those things that instead of being mostly angry, etc., the cheat-ee often takes self-esteem hits and has "what did I do wrong?" type of feelings. I've seen it happen to a friend of mine and all she could focus on was what was wrong with her to make her guy do that. It was so sad because she didn't do anything wrong.

 

Its a question I hope I never have to answer for real, tho.

[locolady]

hmmmmmmm a tricky one - im also on the fence as all it does is transfer the guilt of the cheater into pain for the cheated. yet i feel a strong sense of justice and would hate to be made a fool of.

 

Lets throw into the mix, being told by someone else, or being the outside person who finds out about the cheating....should you tell then?

 

A friend of mine told me when she found out that my ex had cheated on me (we had been together 4 years) it was a one time thing and i do believe he was ashamed. However my friend telling me meant the end of our relationship.....now, over a year later, i still yearn for that man - i'd give anything for things to be different, i cant stop loving him. Sometimes i wish she hadnt told me.

 

If it was me, (which it would never be) i think i would end the relationship and not tell - being cheated on causes so much misery and self-hatred. i have no self -esteem now, i feel worthless. That is the result of cheating.

[sddeaston]

I guess it really depends on the person!

 

I've been cheated on and I can truly say that I wish I didn't know. Just break up with me without telling me about the cheating!

 

I don't ever want to cheat again...I've learned my lesson. But if I had to break up with my ex all over again I don't think I would have told him.

 

I sometimes find people that tell the truth about cheating selfish. It's like you want to other person to take away your guilt or something. So not only did you cheat on them but you're also trying to make yourself feel better by hurting them more.

 

I find that people who do not tell, in order to save the relationship they had the disprespect for to step out on and actually commit the infidelity, to be selfish.

 

They do not want to ruin the relationship, and want to keep their SO to themselves...but, when they were faced with the opportunity to prove the worth of the relationship to themselves, or to their partner, they did not find it worth the time or effort to resist desire. So, they just act like it never happened, and act like they do in fact have respect for the relationship, when it is obviously not the case. Ever. And in my mind, a faithful partner who is able to resist desire, is worthy of a partner who will do the same, no matter what, in any situation. THAT is faithfulness. And THAT is selfless.

 

If you cheat, you do not value the relationship to the extent that a faithful partner would find acceptable. That is a deal breaker. Its not that hard.

 

Immaturity or lack of self esteem would be in large part the reason a lot of people lack the responsibility to do what is right in terms of a relationship. Thats why I find older women so attractive.

[blueangel]

If you miscommunicate or become unloving or careless- that's an oops.

If you cheat, that is like a screaming, crying energy that you feed the one you tell. Still, the truth sets us free. I'd rather be free from the person cheating on me- even if it took a while to get over them. The only way to be free is to know. thereforeeee- to know is always better than not to know. It gets you moving on faster.

-Because cheating is too big of a sign that the relationship is not what it used to be. Perhaps in holding onto it too tightly, your grip lessened again very suddenly to release the feeling of strain that you and the other individual caused. Meaning- it was emotionally ending for both or one party before the cheating even occurred. To keep holding onto something that is at it's end is to lie to yourself.

[jimthzz]

one more factor for telling the truth -- STDs.

 

Nothing says "love" like finding out you have genital warts or, worse, HIV when you know you have not been cheating. So, hmm, that means....

[yeawutever]

I would never cheat on my current b/f, there's noe xcuse for it, if it doesn't work out, then breaking up is the option.

 

However, with an ex, lets' just say I was on my way of breaking up on the 7th day of us dating and well two days before, there was this short making-out session with my friend's guy friend. Aftercourse I proceed on phoning to break up, until he finally pick up the phone, but never told him about the kiss, there was no need to, it was pointless.

[yeawutever]

one more factor for telling the truth -- STDs.

 

Nothing says "love" like finding out you have genital warts or, worse, HIV when you know you have not been cheating. So, hmm, that means....

 

Yes I defiantely agree on that one, but what about when the cheating didn't involve anything sexual and it was just kissing or making-out for a long while.

 

 

[jimthzz]

I would say kissing or making sure is a sexual thing.

 

Let's put it this way. If you would not kiss your grandmother the way you kissed someone other than your spouse or significant other, than, yes, that is cheating.

 

And for sure you need to tell.

 

I for one would have much preferred to find out my wife had indulged in some deep kissing BEFORE I put a ring on her finger.

 

I found out much worse after we already had kids.

[treefrogkate]

It would be written accross my forehead - I can't lie or hide things, especially my feelings...

 

That's me too.

 

I "cheated" on one boyfriend (fooled around with my best friend during an LDR in college, but didn't have sex), and I told him the next day. I couldn't stand having a secret.

 

I can honestly say now that if I really, REALLY wanted to be with someone other than my significant other... I would break off my relationship first. There is no reason to put another human being through that pain.

[puppeteer]

having been cheated on twice now...once by a gf and now most currently my soon-to-be-ex wife...

 

i'll take the truth anyday.

 

truth hurts yes, but the alternative is so much more demeaning...to not know about your partner's infidelity...ugh...makes me so angry when people justify not telling.

 

as if they are protecting your feelings.

 

they aren't. they just don't want you to be mad at them and they certainly don't want anyone making them feel bad for their selfishness.

 

you cheat = you don't respect or love your partner.

 

you dont tell them = you are a horrible excuse for a human being.

 

no action is consequence free. if you cheat, be an adult and deal with the results.