Discussion: Treat em mean, Keep em Keen!

[4answers]

It has been my experience that if your not decent to a girl she is decent to you & if you are decent to a girl she is not decent to you !

 

(((Perhaps this treat em mean keep em keen))). ?

[chai714]

Your post might anger some people. I think you should respect all people and women, but I think I know what you're alluding to. Being a challenge to a woman is one thing, but disrespecting them is a whole other issue that I do not support.

 

You can be a challenge while still respecting them. Is this what you mean by being decent?

[annie24]

I think that is an oversimplification. If a guy is mean to me, I just leave. Who needs that? But if he is faaaaar too nice and accommodation, it can be a bit of a turn off. People like a challenge. So be nice, but don't let them think that they have you "won over." In the beginning of a relationship, people like "the chase" - men and women. They like not knowing how the other feels.

 

my 2 cents...

[Juliana]

You get what suits you, I guess. If you treat people in a dysfunctional way, messed up girls who are into dysfunction because that's all they know are going to be attracted to you. Healthy, normal people are going to think you're a big loser, and leave. You'll have all the borderline, bi-polar love you can handle though!

[Confused_kelly]

Nothing more to add, they said it all

[Batya33]

Yes, the type of person that likes poor treatment will stick around but to me that is an unhealthy relationship and who wants that? I love a challenge but there is a huge difference between that and poor or bad treatment.

[4answers]

. You'll have all the borderline, bi-polar love you can handle though!

 

What are you meaning by borderline, bi-polar love ???

[RayKay]

Yeah...um, I don't like being treated mean!

 

As others have said, respect is very important. You can be a challenge (aka be an individual person and respect yourself) and still be considerate and caring of others.

 

If someone does stick around if you treat them "mean", I cannot see a healthy individual or relationship coming from that.

[Day_Walker]

Your statement may seem sound but I do not believe that it is accurate. I would say it is necessary to recognize that you cannot be the source of another persons happiness, because you will always disappoint. I believe that relationships are about balance, where you are not affraid to be the person you are even if that means the other person gets upset. It may seem that being mean will keep them keen but unless you want to have an extremely volitile relationship then I would not suggest adhering to that philosophy.

[rosie76]

I don't like to admit it to you, but I think there's some truth behind treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.

 

For me, if I already like a guy to some extent and he treats me badly I generally do find myself getting hung up on him, though I know it's stupid and I dislike myself for it. I think I stop thinking of the relationship rationally and working out what I do and don't like about the guy and just start to feel 'what's wrong with me that they're treating me like this?' It only works with men I already like a bit, though, as that's where the self-esteem crack seems to be - I'm otherwise reasonably self-assured. On the other hand, boyfriends I've had who treat me wonderfully are those I have tended to think less of. Both because I feel secure enough in their affection that I have time to think what I do and don't like about them and because - and it's twisted - I somehow think less of them for thinking so much of me!

 

So I do think there's something to it, but maybe only for people who are somewhat insecure about relationships. This maybe why it works with women more often than men - statistically (evolutionarily, really) we're more likely to base our feelings of self-worth on our close relationships. That said, all you nice guys shouldn't start putting on being nasty - you'll only get the needy girls this way and it won't be honest of you!

 

(And I don't agree at all, annie24, I _hate_ not knowing how the other person feels!)

[Momene]

I think it works with immature girls but not grown women.

[Biffy]

wow Rosie, you sound like my ex!

 

I treated her very well but didn't compromise myself or my own standards, didn't allow her to walk over me. I stood up for myself when needed, I lived my own life separately but at the same time treated her as well as I could.

 

I don't see anything wrong with that, I think that is the middle ground.

 

It just didn't work for the ex, she has a history of abusive partners and was only used to that kind of treatment. She was shocked when I bought her flowers one time. I was the first boyfriend she's ever had that had bought her any.... weird.

 

I don't think people should have to change themselves to fit around their partner. Be yourself, but don't allow yourself to be walked over.

 

If this doesn't work for the partner you're with then they clearly aren't the right one for you.

[shes2smart]

This sounds very much like what my last bf believed about relationships. He thought if he continually kept his partner "on edge" she would "try harder" to please him. That meant a variety of things like continuing to flirt/chat with other women online, f'rinstance.

 

I put up with it for a while. Then I wised up. Packed up my crap and left and vowed to never speak to him again. He thought I'd be like his exes...they'd always come crawling back, asking for help/favors...mostly financial. He figured he'd still be able to keep tabs on me like he did with his exes.

 

It's been, oh, about 5.5 years since I left him. After I retrieved the last of my belongings from him, I haven't initiated any sort contact with him at all. A couple years back, he sent a "test the waters" email. I let my husband answer it.

 

So much for his "keep em on edge & they'll work harder" theory. My husband actually laughed when I told him about my ex's theory. He said if my ex seriously thought that would work with me, then he never really knew me at all.

 

You're more likely to be treated well by others if you treat others well. That holds true in any sort of relationship, not just romantic ones.

[rosie76]

wow Rosie, you sound like my ex!

 

She was shocked when I bought her flowers one time. I was the first boyfriend she's ever had that had bought her any.... weird.

 

 

Tee hee. I remember when the last 'good' ex of the last 8 years brought by flowers and orange juice and lemsip when I had a cold a few weeks after we started seeing each other - I was shocked, too! Probably should have held on to that one, but just didn't feel enough. The one who had me walk home alone when I was really properly ill because he wanted just the one more pint, though, boy that was the love of my life. It's really pathetic in a way, but you really can't choose who you fall for.

[shes2smart]

It's really pathetic in a way, but you really can't choose who you fall for.

 

While you may not be able to choose who you are attracted you, you CAN choose who you become involved with/stay involved with.

 

If you feel "stuck" on guys who treat you poorly, it might be time to figure out WHY that feels "right" to you. Having gone through a string of "he treats me like crap but I can't leave" relationships when I was younger (including a stormy, on-and-off stint with a raging alcoholic), I can tell you that you have more control over your choices than you think you do.

 

Learning to make healthier choices regarding a partner is difficult work, but well worth it.

[rosie76]

While you may not be able to choose who you are attracted you, you CAN choose who you become involved with/stay involved with.

 

I totally agree - after a few years completely out of the boy/girl relationships game following a really bad situation and subsequent depression - I now recognize now what made me stay in bad situations in the past and will not let that enter into future relationships. Bad treatment will now equal the end of the relationship for me. (Tricky, though, as in the early days of seeing someone new I feel I'm expecting to be treated badly, which is also no good.)

 

But the flipside of 'you can't chose you you fall for' is that while bad treatment = don't fall for them (or just get out of the relationship) for a healthy person, good treatment doesn't = do fall for them. Which is a shame, but absolutely true.

[DaveCummings2006]

You know what's sick? Its that I've been finding more and more that the women I get to know DON'T trust my honesty and niceness with authenticity as they constantly seem to think "is this guy for real? He must be saying this to get with me or take advantage of me". Cuz this is how it feels to me anyways. It seems when I am a jerk and am not nice that all of a sudden they pay all this attention to me and are trying to qualify themselves to me. Then when I'm actually interested and say things of that nature, they go "oh" "well I like you too". Then go quiet and are hard to get a hold of and generally ignore me until I say something jerkish again.

 

Even the nice ex that I had was sticking around when I was a jerk but once I cleaned up my act and became the ultra sensitive nice guy, she leaves me for some jerk of a bf that came in because she thought I was being that way cuz I was cheating on her! I WASN'T! Then when I broke down, told her that I wasn't and got upset? She thought I was pathetic.

 

Maybe now I'll stop being the nice guy that gets stepped on and treated horribly, as it seems to get me no where and ya, you know what? I will admit that its not who I am. I mean its who I thought I SHOULD be to be a good citizen and a good member of society, but it doesn't get me anywhere in the real world. Especially with women! They consider me untrustworthy because I hide who I really am. But hey I suppose it really is true because who I am is nice under the thought that its who I really should be, only I shouldn't have to supplicate who I am to be it. That DOES mean not being a jerk or a meanie, but what it really means is not holding back who I am for the sake of being a nice guy.

[agent1607307371]

Dave, but are you being authentic yourself by being "ultra sensitive."

 

There's also the fact that both extremes are not so good. But when people are really themselves people will pick up on it and trust it.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

You're unlucky. A lot of the world doesn't work like that.

[Emotional]

Depends, but yea, thats usually how it tends to work lol

[Momene]

If you need to act like a jerk to keep a girl, she's a girl and not a woman.

 

If you can be nice without being a doormat, you're with a mature woman, no matter how many years ago she was born.

 

If you have to play games to stay in a relationship, either or both of you need to grow up.

[jusified]

I think everyone is different, but the norm is that you need to be spontaneous, funny, charming, loving, caring, blah blah and keep them interested while feeling like they still love you but yet still on a chase.

 

Example, if you always buy them gifts, talk to them sweetly and do everything for a girl and let them walk over you then they will take you for granted.

 

Been nice, be there when they really need you, be supportive when times are tough, have chivalry. At the same time be spontaneous like spank and pinch her for no reason (thats just for my own pleasure), Don't let her get you to do whatever she wants (you are not her dad and she is a grown up), have your own things to do with mates or individual hobbies.

 

Anyways, treat them mean keep them keen is not true, you can not treat someone mean and expect them to like you (in the longterm). Its more treat them with love and sometimes tough love so they can be a better person to themselves and to you.