I think i've fallen in love online, but...

[Ikatu]

I have found someone online which is perfect for me, we have lots in common, get along great, have really good conversations, and im almost 100% certain that i've fallen in love with her. However, the problem is that... We have never met in person, and eventhough she seems to have feelings towards me, she say's its uncertain how things will go until we meet. Why havent we met yet? Because she keeps telling me "im not ready". She told me what "im not ready" means, and she thinks she is too skinny and wants to fill out a little first... Yet, i've told her that i dont care what she looks like, because its her personality that i've got feelings for, not her appearance. Her response was "Well i dont care if you find me physically attractive or not, but its something i feel i need to do.". Correct me if im wrong, but if the reason she cant meet me yet is because she feels she is too skinny, then tells me she doesnt care if i find her attractive contradict itself?

 

Anyways, this is affecting me really hard because, we've been talking for 11 months now... Its almost one whole year without meeting each other, and not knowing if me and her will be together, or just good friends is killing me because she's giving me the impression thats its still gonna be a VERY long time till we meet up. She knows how i feel, i've told her, however i've never actually told her that i love her. I cant do that because i know it would freak her out, considdering we havent met in person yet.

 

My problem is that i want her more than i can even describe, but i cant do a damn thing about it until she tells me she's ready to meet me. It actually kind of hurts to be honest, having strong feelings for someone but not knowing if things will EVER pan out.. Its the hardest thing i think i've ever had to go through. I've never felt this way about someone before and i dont know how much longer i can last... I mean, at the very least i want her to be a really good friend, but even that i feel requires us to meet up. Im a patient guy, afterall its been 11 months, but its starting to get rediculous, its starting to actually affect my life because i think its almost putting me into a state of depression. Worst thing is, she just isnt even giving me any clear indication of when we might actually meet.

 

I have posted a similar thread on this topic about 2 months ago i think, but since then, my feelings have gotten stronger, and also its been 2 months or so of waiting since then. So I guess im looking for opinion's, what would some of you do in my situation?

[Beec]

I would tell her to give me a date and time to meet, or I would begin withdrawing.

 

It's not a real relationship until you meet. Too skinny, that's not a good enough excuse. let her know you want a real woman, not a screen name. And she's not real, until you can touch her.

[Blue Skittles]

How far away does she live? Maybe she is just really nervous about meeting someone in person - it can be really scary. It has been 11 months and that is a long time. Its a possibility she is hiding something from you. Anyways, if you are willing to go meet up with her then let her know that and let her know you cannot wait around for another 11 months until she is ready. Tell her you need to move on. I would say if she doesn't make any moves towards even making plans to meet up in the next month, then let her go.

[Ikatu]

I would tell her to give me a date and time to meet, or I would begin withdrawing.

 

It's not a real relationship until you meet. Too skinny, that's not a good enough excuse. let her know you want a real woman, not a screen name. And she's not real, until you can touch her.

 

Well i guess she's not really a screen name, we've been talking on the phone for the entire 11 months, but i agree its not a relationship until we meet in person. And i've been thinking of withdrawing, but it seems impossible given how strongly i feel for her. I want to break loose from the hold she's got on me but i dont know how to do it.

 

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How far away does she live? Maybe she is just really nervous about meeting someone in person - it can be really scary. It has been 11 months and that is a long time. Its a possibility she is hiding something from you. Anyways, if you are willing to go meet up with her then let her know that and let her know you cannot wait around for another 11 months until she is ready. Tell her you need to move on. I would say if she doesn't make any moves towards even making plans to meet up in the next month, then let her go.

 

She lives only about a 35 min drive, so not far at all. I was even driving through her town about a month ago on the highway, and she started teasing me, she said "Why dont you come see me already!?". Sure it was sarcastic, but its still hard to hear that when she doesnt actually seem to want me to go see her yet.

 

And i know it can be scary to meet someone in person, i've done it once or twice before, but i'd think 11 months would be long enough. But you know what? I agree with you that she might be hiding something from me, but i cant think of what it could be.

 

Ive told her many times that i want to meet up with her, and every time i do, she just basically tells me she still isnt ready. Now, when you say "let her go" do you mean, keep talking to her but move on and find someone else? Or do you think its best if i just stop talking to her all together?

[Dako]

35 miles?

 

I'd be suspicious if she's avoiding you.

If she wanted to meet, it'd happen.

[Ikatu]

35 miles?

 

I'd be suspicious if she's avoiding you.

If she wanted to meet, it'd happen.

 

No 35 minutes.

 

I have been kinda suspicious.. I think its why i ask her why she isnt ready as much as i do, because i want to see if i can get a different answer. I can see how it would seem that it sounds like she doesnt really want to meet, but i dunno. Other things we've talked about, such as things we have planned to do just make it seem like we will eventually, she actually made a promise that in May, she would take me somewhere i've never been to, and i never thought that she would make me wait this long, and i hope she doesnt make me wait till may to meet, because i dont think i'd last that long.

[Dako]

Sorry bout that.

 

Still seems close.

Have you asked outright if she's got something to hide?

[Ikatu]

Sorry bout that.

 

Still seems close.

Have you asked outright if she's got something to hide?

 

No problem.

 

Yea i've asked her that before, she tells me she's got nothing to hide. She claims to be a very honest, blunt person, which i can see for the most part, because she doesnt seem to be afraid of telling me about things that upset her that i might do. So, from what i can tell, she is very honest and doesnt have anything to hide, but sometimes i just cant shake the feeling that there is something she isnt telling me.

[Been_Down_Almost_Every_Roa]

[Been_Down_Almost_Every_Roa]

And she might be blunt, but perhaps not completely honest, Ikatu. There is a difference. She might tell you of things that really bother her, but would she tell you things that would really bother you? Sacrifice your feelings for honesty? You need more time to figure this out, but do not mistake me. The decision will ultimately be your own. Think. Then Act.

[Ikatu]

Well, you definitely make a good point Angel. I have often lost myself in thought thinking about the outcome, and i know that by me waiting and waiting, it does not guarantee that ill ever get with her. Im slowly trying to get myself out of this situation, but feelings are a hard thing to get rid of. But your advice was really helpful Angel, and im definitely going to give it some serious thought.

[booberry]

I think she's hiding something from you. Too skinny? Eat a burger and meet up! There's something else that's bothering her.

[Honey_30]

35 minutes away .hmm

 

that seems like something is wrong.

she has been talking with you for 11 months via the internet and phone. but isnt ready..ffs how long does she need.i could understand if it was 350 miles or sumthing..but she is only a quick drive away.

 

i would see this a huge red flag.

 

usually if you are right into someone you cant wait to meet.. yes people get nervous but that isnt any reason to wait and wait.she says she is to skinny to meet u. thats a excuse IMO.. you have seen her picture i guess. so she would know you already know how she lokks ect.

 

if i were you i would seriously consider backing off. 11 months is a long time online. and you sound pretty into her, so for your own sake , back off.

[Ikatu]

Well i guess its unanimous, seems the best thing i can do is back off and look elsewhere. It'll be hard considdering my feelings for her but like i said, it doesnt seem like she will be willing to meet anytime soon. Maybe she is hiding something....

 

Anyways, thanks for the advice everyone, i really appreciate it.

[RayKay]

I would say you have fallen for what you THINK she is, not whom she is. Because you really have no idea whom she is at this point; considering she lives only a half hour away and won't meet you.

 

I think her excuse is B.S. basically, and she is hiding something about herself - she is not whom she says she is either as a person, physically, or whatever and while she wants the attention from you knows she is not whom she says she is.

 

I would move on from this honestly at this point. There is no way that you should invest anymore time into someone whom is not willing to meet a year into it when you are so close, and where something seems awfully fishy.

[Batya33]

Watch the feet not the lips. When I did on line dating if we did not have a specific time and place to meet within the first three phone calls - which typically took place within a week of the first e-mail - I stopped contact. If the person was on a huge project, out of town, family emergency, etc I would be ok with it as long as we planned something a few weeks in advance and then I would limit my time talking to the person between then and the time we met.

 

She doesn't want to meet you because she doesn't want a real relationship with you either because of lack of interest, she is attached to someone else, she is emotionally unavailable or she has been inaccurate about something material that you will find out if you meet her so she wants to perpetuate the fantasy.

 

Go cold turkey. Force yourself to do distracting things - perhaps give her one more chance - if she cannot meet in the next two weeks and will not give you a specific time and place you need to return to your real life of pursuing people who want to meet in person.

 

Understand that since you are putting up with this you too are afraid to meet as well - you are benefitting from the comfort of keeping the fantasy going. People go towards pleasure and away from pain so examine why you got hooked in (and it is not because you have true love for this stranger).

[Ikatu]

I would say you have fallen for what you THINK she is, not whom she is. Because you really have no idea whom she is at this point; considering she lives only a half hour away and won't meet you.

 

I think her excuse is B.S. basically, and she is hiding something about herself - she is not whom she says she is either as a person, physically, or whatever and while she wants the attention from you knows she is not whom she says she is.

 

I would move on from this honestly at this point. There is no way that you should invest anymore time into someone whom is not willing to meet a year into it when you are so close, and where something seems awfully fishy.

 

Yea your definitly right... The only trouble is trying to figure out how to move on and get her out of my head. I havent got a clue what she might be hiding though. The worst thing is about this whole situation is that, this is pretty much the first time i've tried this online dating stuff, and having it turn out this way is kinda turning me off the idea of finding someone online.

 

Anyways, thanks for the feedback.

[Batya33]

Yea your definitly right... The only trouble is trying to figure out how to move on and get her out of my head. I havent got a clue what she might be hiding though. The worst thing is about this whole situation is that, this is pretty much the first time i've tried this online dating stuff, and having it turn out this way is kinda turning me off the idea of finding someone online.

 

Anyways, thanks for the feedback.

 

What you're doing is not on line dating - you are typing and talking to a stranger. On line dating is when you meet in person a person you originally met through an on line dating site.

[Ikatu]

I guess i've got another question for you all who've helped me out here.. It seems as if a lot of you guys believe she's hiding something from me (i think so too), so do you think i should straight up ask her if she's hiding something next time she say's something suspicious? Or should i just leave it alone completely and not ask about it?

[Batya33]

I would say "I have to assume by your unwillingness to meet me that there is something you feel I will find out and be uncomfortable with if I meet you in person" you don't have to tell me what it is but I choose to stop all contact with you because I am not comfortable continuing to type and talk without a specific plan to meet." I would not directly accuse her of lying or be confrontational.

[Beec]

I would not say what Batya says, and I might continue some emails or messages, but they would not be as frequent, and I would be out there looking. If she asked, I'd explain, "You are not willing to meet, so I have to assume you are ready to have a real relationship. I want a real woman."

[Honey_30]

i would send one mail.. keeping it plain and simple.

 

telling her that im not waiting around like this anymore.then its up to her. if she wants to meet you then cool.if not then walk away.

 

easy said i know.. but what else can you do..wait for years?

[Ikatu]

i would send one mail.. keeping it plain and simple.

 

telling her that im not waiting around like this anymore.then its up to her. if she wants to meet you then cool.if not then walk away.

 

easy said i know.. but what else can you do..wait for years?

 

You know, your completely right, and ive been doing a lot of thinking since i started this thread, and i feel much better and im thinking much more clearly now that i've got all this feedback. I cant wait around for years, and from the way it sounds, IF she even has the intention of meeting me one day, it wont be for a very long time... Im thinking at least another 6 months, maybe another year. Im not gonna wait around that long and i've already started looking around and keeping my options open.

 

Honestly, i believe that im done with finding someone online, this is really my first attempt at it and its kinda left a bad taste in my mouth if you catch my drift. I guess ill just stick with the way i've usually looked.

 

Thanks for your help everyone! I feel a lot better now.

[Batya33]

You know, your completely right, and ive been doing a lot of thinking since i started this thread, and i feel much better and im thinking much more clearly now that i've got all this feedback. I cant wait around for years, and from the way it sounds, IF she even has the intention of meeting me one day, it wont be for a very long time... Im thinking at least another 6 months, maybe another year. Im not gonna wait around that long and i've already started looking around and keeping my options open.

 

Honestly, i believe that im done with finding someone online, this is really my first attempt at it and its kinda left a bad taste in my mouth if you catch my drift. I guess ill just stick with the way i've usually looked.

 

Thanks for your help everyone! I feel a lot better now.

 

If you decide next time to take it from on line contact to meeting in person in a week or less you will be able to screen out the penpals. Don't think about it as meeting "on line" - you meet when you meet in person and the on line contact is just for the purpose of speaking by phone and setting up a meeting if you have a decent phone conversation.

[RayKay]

Well, I would not close doors to it. Fact is you never really met her.

 

If you do do online dating, you really need to meet SOON, to see if there is something there. I always met people I was interested in within two weeks max, most were within the first week of first contact.

 

The idea of online dating is to not DATE online, but to meet people online, and then take it into the real world to see if there is something there. To that degree, it is just another addition to the other ways of meeting people, and there is little harm in keeping those avenues open in my opinion. I have had positive experience(s) with it, and I know many others whom have too. Some bad, but that is not any different then the experiences you can have meeting people the conventional ways either!