Girlfriend wants to shack up, I'm not so sure of it..

[FCTex]

Simple enough as this might be.. It says it all.

 

My girlfriend of over a year, wants to move in with me.. Well, more over, I'm buying a new house, and she wants me to get it closer to her school/work, so that she can live with me. She wants to pay half of it(which is fine, but I make the bread and butter, and I'll be fronting most)..

 

She stays at my current place with me alot. Sometimes maybe for a week at a time.. Sometimes I see her maybe once a week. It's just depending on alot of stuff..

 

Now, the idea is okay I guess.. But I just don't think moving in right now is smart.. I think it'll destroy it all. I then begin to wonder if, what if I feel like I want to move on from something. What if I wake up and don't want a girlfriend. What do I do from there? I have a house when her in it, and I can't get out of it..

 

If I have friends over, and I wanna have a guys night, she's there. If I come home late from a party, or a night out with friends, and she didn't go, she'll be there waiting on me...

 

I just feel like I'll shorten my leash some, and that once I commit to living with her, I only leave room for complication...

 

She's not planning on moving out of her current apartment in downtown.. I would love to live with her sometimes.. Part time I guess.. I just don't see how it'l work fulltime living together... I don't what know to do.

[TheRedQueen]

Tell her your not ready for that level of commitment yet.

[renaissancewoman101]

So, is she planning on keeping two places of residence? You had said she wanted to live with you but is also keeping her downtown apt. If so, then maybe she wants to live with you but also have a place of her own to run to if things get too tough (like a place of refuge in case of fight).

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

You should be really careful about this, because you can find yourself a prisoner in your own home if things turn sour. Just based on what you wrote it doesn't sound like you really want her there. I'd suggest that you don't go through with this unless you are 100% sure.

[FCTex]

She I think she sees it as a way to "seal the deal".. I feel like she's totally rushing this.. She wants to lock it in, so as to perhaps get me to marry her I feel.

 

But maybe I'm just reading into it alot..

 

As far as two places. I'm unsure.. She's going to be looking soon for a new place, but also tosses up.. "We can look together.."

 

I don't know where she stands, I just know she's gotten serious these past few times around, about living together..

 

I'd be fine if she had another place to go.. Because in the event of that, I'd pay just about all the money for this new house, so I have the say in what goes and doesnt.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with the other posters, if you are not comfortable with it, I would not let her move in with you. It can doom the relationship, or she may be hurrying the relationship more than you want it.

 

Have you tried talking to her about it, explain to her about your reservations concerning her moving it. Let her know that you are not ready yet, not saying that that wont happen, that you are just NOT ready at THIS point in time.

[Dako]

If you have any doubt, don't live with her.

It's a serious step in many ways, and if she isn't spelling out her intentions, be extra careful because any honest woman would want you to know her thoughts about shacking up.

 

I like that archaic term, shacking up.

[TheRedQueen]

You're only 21 so there's really no need to rush things quite yet.

[melrich]

Oh you definitely should not be contemplating joint ownership of a property. That can turn very ugly.

 

If you are not feeling comfortable about living together then you shouldn't do it. It can be a lot of hard work and anguish.

[annie24]

definitely - there is NOOOOOO need to jump in, especially if you are not sure. As oprah likes to say, "Doubt means DON'T!" It is really a big step, and I don't think you should undertake any big step unless you are 150% sure that this is the right thing for you.

 

My girlfriend of over a year, wants to move in with me.. Well, more over, I'm buying a new house, and she wants me to get it closer to her school/work, so that she can live with me. She wants to pay half of it(which is fine, but I make the bread and butter, and I'll be fronting most)..

 

Bad idea. If she is paying for half, it becomes her house also, even if you are investing most of the money. Joint home ownership is a BIG deal, it's not something to rush into. If you guys break up, one of you needs to buy out the other person, or you both have to sell the house. You would be having a divorce, and you're not even married.

[FCTex]

Thats how I see it too...

 

I'm just hoping she'll find a new place now, and be fine, and let this settle down..

 

I just feel so rushed, amongst other obvious things..

 

As far as the financial aspect. I'd be buying the house, and she'd be paying more or less a "rent"... I'd all be in my name, with my credit, and such.. I just don't think even if I WAS wanting to move in, we'd find a median area to live that'd be beneficial to us both and not favor one or the other.

[SarahRose]

I'm wondering what your intentions are for the future with her?

[annie24]

As far as the financial aspect. I'd be buying the house, and she'd be paying more or less a "rent"... I'd all be in my name, with my credit, and such.. I just don't think even if I WAS wanting to move in, we'd find a median area to live that'd be beneficial to us both and not favor one or the other.

 

what I am saying is that without some kind of written agreement, her paying "rent" when it would be going towards the mortgage. So, she'd effectively be making your mortgage payments making her co-owner.

 

it's a stretch, but if she is vindictive and you guys breakup, she could take you to court for 'her share of the home." seriously.

[RayKay]

Well, first off I am going to say if you have this doubt, it is NOT a good idea. Really, because if you are not ready, you will probably be a bit resentful and feel restricted. If you did not have this doubt, you really would not be worried about friends coming over, and not having space and such - which maybe leads me to believe there are some other things that need to be sorted out before this step.

 

Second, when you are buying, it needs to be something you are comfortable with as a purchase as it is a major purchase.

 

Third, even if you were deciding to do it together, it should be in consideration of both your needs. For example, my boyfriend works on one end of town, I go to school on the other - we chose to basically split the commute, and found a location about halfway in between (his commute ended up being better though!).

 

Fourth, if you WERE to do this, it is very important that everything is written in stone if you are sharing finances, mortgages and so forth. Because things CAN GET VERY MESSY if relationships end.

 

Which brings it back to my first points - if you are in doubt, don't do it.

 

Seriously, your concerns about what if you wake up and decide you don't want a girlfriend, or about her "waiting" when you get home late and so on all indicate that this relationship is NOT ready for that next step for whatever reason. Sort that out before you take such a big step.

[Momene]

At 21, moving in is a big step even if you've been together for a year. Your current arrangements seem fine to me.

[FCTex]

Thanks for the input everyone. I feel pretty much the same way..

 

I don't see such the rush for everything. I mean, she's even asked if I've thought of marriage..

 

I'm way way too young in my opinion, now. I used to be all for it, while in another relationship. Infact I was very close to engagement, but got burned before the thought was ever a reality.. So I've got a little chip on my shoulder about serious commitment.

 

Another thing, as silly as it sounds is; I'd almost feel used. I feel like she's wanting to grasp on to what I have going for myself. She wants seal the deal on all corners, to take advantage of what comes in the wake.. I make good, good money, and I have an extremely stable job. I think she sees a nice future, if we're together.

 

I'm not saying she's wrong.. My intentions with her are to grow as a person. Sounds pathetic, but at this point in my life, I'm not looking forward to marriage for another 4-5 years, if not later. It's just hard to WANT to look for that.. thats my deal.

[SarahRose]

Fair enough but does she know that? Does she know that you aren't planning marriage or anything for 4-5 years?

[FCTex]

Yeah, I mentioned it to her, along the lines too that I wouldn't want kids till much later..

 

She didn't see real receptive to my comment, and probably brushed it off. She knows I don't want to get married anytime soon.. I just think deep down, she's hoping I break, and want to in the next 2 years, which could very well happen, but I honestly wouldn't plan it.

 

I like living the 'single' life.. But I also like having some stability. I just don't think I'm ready for the stability and responsibility of making a family just yet.

[annie24]

I think everything you have said is fair. I mean, 21, go out, have fun, you shouldn't be "tied down" just yet. You have the rest of your life to be a husband, father, partner.... you should enjoy your youth and energy. Let's say that you wait until 27 to get married, have kids, etc..... you would still be a young dad and husband, and you will have gotten an extra 6 years to enjoy the single life.

 

What are you going to tell her about moving in together?

[FCTex]

Thats what I see annie..

 

I'd like to have it all before 30, so I'm young enough to keep up with the crumb-crushers, but I don't want to be the guy who's 22-23 with a child seat in the back of the truck while I go out for drinks with the guys..

 

Ya know?

 

I'd like to have my fun, and have my stories, and be careless to a degree.

 

I'm not going to say anything unless it's brought up.. I have some friends who want to get a house close by, and offered me to go in on it together.

 

I'm hoping she find a place by school/work for her in the city, so perhaps we can still have our place of "refuge" and maintain some separate identity from each other once in a while.

[rocio]

Please tell her everything you are writing here. She has the right to know exactly where you stand. Be firm.

 

It sounds like she thinks she can change your mind. She wants marriage and commitment NOW, and you're thinking more like 5 years down the road. Make sure she understands how different your goals are. Otherwise the next few years are going to be frustrating for both of you.

[annie24]

Thats what I see annie..

 

I'd like to have it all before 30, so I'm young enough to keep up with the crumb-crushers, but I don't want to be the guy who's 22-23 with a child seat in the back of the truck while I go out for drinks with the guys..

 

Ya know?

 

I'd like to have my fun, and have my stories, and be careless to a degree.

 

I'm not going to say anything unless it's brought up.. I have some friends who want to get a house close by, and offered me to go in on it together.

 

I'm hoping she find a place by school/work for her in the city, so perhaps we can still have our place of "refuge" and maintain some separate identity from each other once in a while.

 

I would definitely tell her what you have told us. I mean, if she is thinking marriage, kids, the works in the next 12 months, and you are thinking beers with the boys for the next 5 years, then tell her that. Otherwise, yeah, she will be pressuring you for more, you will be resisting, and you both will be unhappy.

 

Do you mean you want to rent or buy a house with your friends. I am against buying a house with friends for many reasons.....

[FCTex]

Probably renting... But I might very well buy something I can afford on my own, and me be in the ownership and have them pay me for living there..

 

In any instance, I'd be sole owner and responsible for it..

[annie24]

ok, just asking.

 

slightly off-topic: Suze Orman (a financial consultant) advocates NOT buying property together with friends or a sibling. ie, say you buy a house with your best friend, and things are fine. But then he meets the love of his life, and now either you have to move out and he buys you out, or he has to move out and you buy him out. If you can only afford the place together, but not on your own, it puts everyone in a bad spot....

 

or if he loses his job and decides to start blowing all his money on hookers and booze, you have to pay the his part of the mortgage otherwise your credit will suffer and your home may be taken away.

 

if you can afford it on your own and rent out rooms to your friends, I think that is the best way to go.

[FCTex]

I can afford to do the latter of both your situations..

 

I'm not in the position to put my financial wellness on the chopping block for some friends to screw with.