In need of advice, please help.

[amanda212]

Over the past few months, stress has really come down on me. I will give you a VERY short summary of it all.

 

My mom and I have pretty much always gotten along in the past at least, and up until last July I have never really been so hurt by her. I have a boyfriend of 2 years. We are amazing together. He brings out the best in me and vice versa. He is so amazing in every little way, and yes we have our arguments just like everyone else, but they are so easy to deal to with.

 

My father and mother have always had there differences. I can remember when I was just 6 years old, things breaking, being thrown, screaming and yelling. Never physically abusive though. They sought counseling and since then have been in it. They have gone through about 3 counselors thus far. I grew up listening to how bad my father was(not as a father but as a husband) I was told everything starting from such a young age. I had the mentality that is was always my dads fault. That was until last August. I have also been in counseling, but for me only about a year and half. This past July however, I decided I wanted to start going with my dad, because he has been such an amazing father to me and my sisters and I was starting to see the grief my mother sometimes put him through and I could relate. I wanted a better relationship with him, bottom line.

 

So we went. 3 times. In those 3 days I finally got out everything to my dad that I had been losing sleep over for a couple months at that time. That was how my mom told me my boyfriend was “controlling.” To most people reading this, you are probably thinking, what’s the big deal? Or well he could be. No, he is not. In fact IF there had to be a “controlling person” in the relationship, I’d have to say it would be me. I am a very independent person and I do not feel the need to be in a relationship. But I am and I love it so very much. The problem is my mom is very stubborn and for some reason I feel such an urge to please her. I do not know why. I feel like I need her approval. I get so sick to my stomach, lose sleep, and bring myself to tears over it so much.

 

My mom always points fingers. Countless times I can remember back to her saying “so and so is so controlling.” One of those people constantly being my dad. I can see where she may think my dad is or can be controlling at times, but she makes such big deals out of petty things. She once told me in the absolute HEAT of an argument between her and my dad that she up marrying my dad and I will up if I marry (my boyfriend).

 

How can a mother tell her daughter that? I have never forgotten those words. It affects me on a daily basis. Sometimes hourly. I hate how she views my father let alone my boyfriend. She makes me so angry and I don’t know what to do about it. She is not the person you can talk to about this, because once again she is very stubborn. If she saw my boyfriend be controlling ONE time she would have her mind set on the fact that he’s “controlling” and NEVER let up.

 

What is comes down to is this. I know in my life, and heart that I love him and he is not controlling. We have an extremely healthy relationship and everyone I know thinks we are just amazing together. (Except her.) So why do/should I let it bother or affect me? Why do I feel this URGE to please her even when I know I am right? How can I move on with my life and just tell myself she is just so distraught over her own marriage she wants the EXACT opposite for mine, even when some things here and there may be the same. ( …meaning yeah I am sure there are moments when he has jokingly or not seemed controlling, as have I…I think everyone has those.) I just need to be okay, and stop worrying.

 

Thank you so much for reading this. Any advice would absolutely amazing and mean the world to me. Thank you.

[sixpounder]

what does your bf think about your mom?

[amanda212]

He does like her and before he heard of any of this a long time ago, he really did truly like her.

 

He still is never rude and is always a wonderful person towards her.

 

About this situation though, he really can't stand her. And hates what it has done to me. He doesn't like seeing me so upset about it.

[DN]

Moderator note:

 

amanda - I have stickied this post for a few hours so that you can get some advice maybe. But it is not permitted to post the same topic twice so I had to remove your second thread.

[Aurian]

This is rough. My only advice is to try draw a line in the sand and say "I love [my boyfriend] very much, and I do not like to hear you say he is controlling. I don't want to hear you put him down. I am also trying to have a relationship with my dad. I know you two have had your problems, but I do not share those problems. Please respect me and do not put down the people I love."

 

And if she continues, then say "I don't want to spend time with you right now, because you are not respecting my feelings. I do not want to hear bad things about X."

[annie24]

I think these horrible things your mom says are about her issues, not yours. I think she is probably bitter and angry that her life didn't turn out so well, so she is taking it out on you, and saying that you will go down the same road she did. well, i think it is in your power to avoid that! I would maybe start distancing myself from her. know that although she loves you, she probably isn't being very helpful and supportive towards you at this time in your life. I would find other friends to confide in and try to let the things your mom says slide off your back.

 

do you still live with her? I would recommend moving out if you are in the same place as her.

[Relationship Coach]

I'm with Annie on this, your mother also may be sensing that she is going to be losing you soon if you were to marry your BF. As for your parents issues between them, stay out of it and don't look to blame either one. They were more than likely both at fault and putting you in the middle of it as a child was wrong. Children need to see the core (their parents) of the family has a strong and unified unit.

 

As for you being controlling, I think in a way we all are which is fine as long as it is bridled. Give your mom some space and let her know that you will not tolerate her negativity towards your BF or the relationship. Her advice is maligned and unsolicited, jaded by a miserable marriage.

 

RC

[arwen]

Hey Amanda,

 

This is a difficult situation. I think a lot of people (maybe girls in particular) really want to please their moms and have especially HER confirmation, her pride on having you as a daughter. I know I am very much like that, and that I'd feel exactly the same if my mother would say things like this to me.

 

It's very hard, but the following has helped me in issues with my mom (other subjects, but the same result-- loss of sleep, appetite, worrying, etc.). I am 26 now and over the past years, I have learned to see my mother in different ways. First of all there is her role as a mother, but secondly there is also my mom as a person. A person like anyone else, with mistakes, etc. The latter is very hard. I think there is a certain point in childhood were you notice that your parents are just people that also can be mistaken about things. I know I found that moment horrible, I think like every other child, I put my parents on a pedestal. This is necessary, because they are often a childs main role model. So realizing that also parents can be wrong can take some illusions away. I think I still find it very hard to not see my moms words as 'The Truth' but rather as an opinion.

 

Opinions of parents, no matter how harmful they can turn out to be, they are usually well-intended (the 'for your own good' kind of reasoning you often hear).

 

Illustration: my mother is very religious and will talk me into going to church whenever I address some emotional problem, and often it makes me feel like she judges the way I choose to deal with loneliness, depression, relationships, etc. I know my mom means this from the bottom of her heart, it is her personal conviction that a church and a committed faith in God can bring a person peace of heart. And still it hurts. My bf is not christian, I belief but not in that way. So I often struggle between wanting to please her and following my own path.

 

Back to the point

I think that your mother is basing this judgement on her negative experience with your father as a partner (not as a father). Her intention may be well, but I think she doesn't realize that your bf is not the same partner to you as your father was to her. I think her bitterness keeps her away from getting to know your bf without prejudices about men. In other words, she has generalized her opinion about relationships from her own experience to some kind of universal truth. Which is not right, of course. But it's a common way of irrational reasoning, it comes from pain and wanting to prevent this pain to come into the life of her daughter.

 

My advise is to follow your own heart. You seem very happy with your relationship, and it seems a healthy relationship. You can't change your mom, but you can wait for a good moment to tell her how you feel about her comments. The only thing you can do is to make sure that you do everything on YOUR part to keep the relationship with your mother as good as it can be under the circumstances. I have decided to not tell things that I feel would lead to endless discussions about what-christians-should-do-and-what-not. So I refrain from topics as sex, living together rather than marriage, raising future children, etc. It's hard, because often I have to bite my tongue. I would never lie. But I know that my mother knows deep down that yes, I am having sex with my bf, and that we do plan on living together. Because she doesn't want to hear it, she won't ask and I won't tell. It's a bit like hiding, but it kept the painful debates away for a long time.

 

If you feel you are able to address the issue openly with her, tell her that you respect her ideas and feelings, but that you know in your heart you are making the right choice. That you want her to be a part of your future family, as a mother in law or even as a grandmom. That you love her and are sorry for the pain she had in her relationship. But also that her pain is not a prediction for anything that may happen in your marriage.

 

I hope this helped.

 

Ilse

[Hope75]

Hi amanda,

 

I think these horrible things your mom says are about her issues, not yours. I think she is probably bitter and angry that her life didn't turn out so well, so she is taking it out on you, and saying that you will go down the same road she did.

 

I think Annie is dead on about this. But I wonder, rather than distancing yourelf from your mom, if she might be willing to go to counseling with you, like your father did. I think that was a great thing he did, and if your mom was willing to do the same, perhaps it would be an eye opener for both of you.

 

I think her jaded opinions of your relationship with your bf actually have very little to do with you, but I can understand your desire to please, and how that places you in a difficult situation.

 

Talk to her, see if she's willing to at least consider counseling... and see what she says.

[Scout]

It's interesting that your mother has applied the "controlling" label to many people in her life. I guess you can see this seems to be a pattern for her. It's too bad she's done it to your boyfriend now.

 

How do they interact with each other? Do they get along, at least on the surface? Does your boyfriend know she said this about him?