Sex with the ex? need advice

[Orfeo]

Ok, here's the deal. I was with this woman for a year, we were rebound relationships for each other's most significant relationships (10 yrs for me, 12 for her). We started out as friends and lovers and then we fell in love. Over the last few months we've broken up/gotten back together like 4-5 times (as of 3 days ago we broke up for the last time); she is the one that wants to break up. She doesn't want to be in a relationship right now as she is fully involved with school, and said that she was staying for companionship and sex. She doesn't love me, nor does she want to be with me long term. Ok, fine.

 

I was depressed about this for awhile, and then realized that I never really wanted a long term relationship with her, we aren't compatible enough - except in the bedroom. Sex with her is a mind-blowing experience for the both of us, and we both have a very high sex drive. So yesterday I broke NC as I was drinking alone, lonely and with poor judgement. I know she wants a sexual relationship with me but nothing else. I called and she said she'd still like to have me over 1-2 times/week for "activities".

 

I do still have some feelings for her. However, this breakup is nothing compared to the last one. I'm functioning very well (maybe drinking a little more than usual). Also, as I said, I admit that we're not right for each other as partners. And, like her, I have needs. I've never been very promiscuous, and I'm not comfortable having sex with women I don't know very well.

 

Has anyone successfully remained "friends with benefits"? Or am I crazy?

[Aschleigh]

The possibility of getting hurt if you still have feelings for her is very high.

I recently broke up with someone I still have feelings for but he doesn't want the relationshop, just the sex. I can't even see him right now. I have to protect myself from getting more hurt than he already has hurt me.

I have needs too. But I think going without sex for a bit won't kill me.

Do what you think is right. But if she doesn't want the whole of you, why should she get to have sex with you?

[annie24]

Sex with the ex?

 

don't even bother. no. it NEVER works out well.

[blender]

Friends with benefits, take two people who lack respect for themselves and for each other. If you two fit this description then well, I guess it's okay to have an intimate physical relationship without emotion????

 

Nope, I'd strongly recommend you stay away from this proposition, and mourn the loss of the "sex", you won't "die without the sex" you'll just miss it for awhile, then you'll get over it, heal and move on..

 

But if you choose to "be sexually involved" then just know you are stopping your chances of building a "real relationship" with the ex, OR with someone new, you will also start to feel "not so good about yourself" because we are not animals who can have sex and have no feelings...

 

If she is saying that is who she actually is, then YUK, don't let your precious heart anywhere near her, no matter how great the sex was...

 

Sex can be great with any number of girls you might meet.. but it can/should be wonderful, fulfilling, incredibly intimate, kind, respectful, intentionally committed to each other, with two people who value thier hearts and bodies at the same time... this is love. This is the respectful choice especially with someone whom you've already loved and been in a relationship with, don't be willing to accept "just sex" with her... what does that say about you? How do you feel about this?

 

If you are having a secret hope that she "might" really want more..ugh..don't do this.. and if you are just in it for the sex, be careful, once you start seperating the physical and the emotional as you get older, more mature, this choice will leave you feeling sad and empty...

[silentalways]

listen to bends

 

never ever do friends with benefits

 

that should never enter your mind about an ex

 

snap out of it

 

listen, i once went a whole year without sex, because doing the nasty with someone i didn't care about and want in my life is something i can't do.

 

i made one rebound mistake in my life and i had to admit that was [knew she wasn't the one] the reason i really wasn't, well, u know, wasn't interest

 

i had 'sex' when i was in high school

 

once u have 'made love' with someone - u will not settle for just plain old sex ever again

[mikeca]

listen to bends

 

i had 'sex' when i was in high school

 

once u have 'made love' with someone - u will not settle for just plain old sex ever again

 

 

That sums it up very well right there!

 

amen to that

[Rabican]

If you can get it through your head that its just sex... then go for it.

[Orfeo]

Thanks everyone for the good thoughts. I think that if I'm really honest with myself, it's just a way to stay close to someone who doesn't love me and doesn't even respect me (she tells me this). I can say now that I don't think it's a good idea, but if Friday night rolls around and she calls...I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist.

 

I'm also holding on to the idea of making her love me again. Again, when I'm honest with myself, I know this won't work. But it's so tempting. AARRGH. How can you resist being intimate with someone you love? Is that even possible?

[tictactoe2006]

I'm with annie - never works out well

[krnswte143]

my ex n i broke up a month ago and just recently he planned on sleeping with me cus he was horny. when i ask him and he was honest about it and that hurted my feelings. he said he was sorry so that was the end of it.

 

why would u want someone to use ur body cus of their needs? why would u wanna make urself low and make someone treat u like a piece of trash...........that is wrong.......i told him straight out i dont wanna b used. i told him i been through it once and i dont make 2nd mistake twice.

 

 

of course i want to do it.......why do it with someone that doesnt want to be with u and love u? yeah he says he cares for me but that isnt enough....u wanna share the moment w/ someone ur with and u love.....thats how i see it................i know if i called my ex he will come over in a flash............its hard to resist.........but hey ur not gonna die cus u dont hav sex................be a man and dont go n do it.

[Straightj06]

i did the whole sex with the ex thing and it messed me up even more. She said she loved me still and that it feels so right us being together, do the whole sex thing . . . then she would say she dosnt want to be with me. Leaving me feeling used and gutted. I only kept seeing her after in the hope she might "love" me and want me back again. But then i was getting stuck in a time loop of not moving on and getting down because i wanted her so bad.

 

believe me, it isnt worth it, if you just want the sex side of it, rent out a good porno or get a hooker. Dont let her mess with your emotions, you have your whole life to live dont waste it on somebody who doesnt like you for who you are or respect you x

[Juliana]

You're going to get really badly hurt out of all this. I have an ex who for some reason can't get it through his head that there is no way for him to have a relationship with me where I give him all the love he wants, and he (as usual) gives nothing back. He shows up periodically. It's quite painful.

 

Your ex is trying to keep what she wants at your expense, which is too bad. I understand that she doesn't want to lose a good thing, but that's all part of breaking up.

 

What I do is hold on to the memories of when he was someone who had more appreciation for me. I don't look for anything from him now, except, hopefully, to be left alone.

[Misser]

don't even bother. no. it NEVER works out well.

 

I think this is the worst thing you can do.