new relationship problems

[fIIsion]

Hi, have not posted on here for some time concerning myself, mainly looking at other threads and offering advice now and again, but something has come up in my life at the moment and need some advice.

 

To make a long story short my ex broke up with me nearly 1 1/2 years ago after a 6 year relationship, she was no longer in love with me, can't say its been easy, been moving on in sorts but generaly getting on with my life.

 

Met someone new about 4 months ago. At first it was great, almost falling in love again, accepting a new path that life has dealt me.

 

Things have been rocky lately, don't know where to start, been missing my exe, the new relationship is very different, we don't seem to able to understand one another, emotionally we seem to be at very diffferent levels, me looking for a rock, she seems so cold, independent, like she doesn't really care one way or another that we are together.

 

She even told me after the first 2 months that she doesn't see a future with me, yet when I conforted her about this, she said that she wanted to get a reaction out of me.

 

Things came to a head tonight when I tried explaining to her how I felt, the issues that I'm trying to deal with from my past relationship, mainly about trust, getting close to someone again, I wanted to be honest with her.

 

she basically told me that she wasn't intrested in hearing about this stuff and didn't want to talk about it.

 

I do like her and can separate between her and my ex, but wanted to be upfront about things I'm still going through.

 

I just feel that If i can't talk to her then this relationship is going nowhere and feel broken hearted all over again.

[this2willpa55]

to stay in a relationship for fear of being hurt again would be a big mistake. you should work on this relationship if you see a future with her. ask yourself if you can? communication is important in a healthy relationship, and she does not seem willing to talk to you about your issues. how can you possible move forward and correct the problems without communication? i think you are starting to miss your ex because you are not fulfilled in your new relationship.

[silentalways]

just happened to me. same deal. she said she needed some time to sort out some issues [gawd, heard that one twice now] and within a month she told me she was now dating someone else.

 

oh well, that's the way the cookie crumbles eh

[need2bme]

So, I am right there with you and "silentalways". I too have heard about the space issue and also she was the one after my ex and the one that seemed she saw no future in us, once I told her how I felt.

 

See, I refuse to believe that someone can turn that quick or be that cold, unless they were heartless to begin with. That is why I tried to tell her how I felt and it appears you have done the same.

 

I would have been fine with status quo and quite frankly, I think I let the expeience with the ex, get in the way. So, it appears that while I believe I am over her, I may not have fully recovered from the breakup.

 

What is it that you want? Do you want to wait around to see if she comes around? Are you just biding your time?

 

I read a quote from Tom Venuto, (which he probably learned from someone else ) that I have been trying to implement. He states that when we get those bad thoughts that we need to yell at ourselves, "SWITCH" and immediately switch to a positive outlook.

 

Look, I know the girl I was with has issues and won't admit it. No one turns that quickly. Also, I know that I should have given her more space.

 

Above all I should be able to let go. I used to be able to do that, but now I let the past back in. Can you try and just let go. Let her be for now. I can only think of one way to get yourself back (and I think that is what you need, unless I am way off base) and that is to pretend you were like you were when you met your ex.

 

Act as if you were. Go out with the friends. Go dancing. Go bowling, whatever. I think I am just going to date and date and date. Maybe that is what you should do to.

[silentalways]

well, well, well, i didn't go into this thinking 'hey, i am still have ex issues'. i felt pretty darn sweet and delicous but the hard truth is i was not ready and neither was she [well, with me anyways, she moved on right away - but that's her deal]. i think i need to explain. i am not waiting on the 'ex', its not a matter of getting 'over' the ex or believing we are getting together [did u see my closure post - nothing clearer than that], what i discovered is i have not 'healed' in ways i was hurt in the relationship. and i was really disappointed to find that out - like being unable to accept validation expressed in ways that everyone would enjoy - i felt not worth it - so, that pissed me off. so, what happened is i found out that i now understand what it feels like to be hurt so bad that it disables u in ways you cannot imagine - every single thing about the new woman was what i had been denied previously, but, because of hurt the denial was attached to the great things given and i felt unstable accepting them. never happened before and that basically spent me to a place that i will not talk about here because it is something i never want to experience ever again. see, for the longest time i believed that all my ailments could be easily 'cured' simply by a small gesture of kindness from the ex and the refusal of that manifested itself in ways that, while extremely painful, but necessary but also unfortunately as well because having to cope and tackle that the way i did, when things could have been avoided months ago, truly destroyed what i felt about this woman and gave me realizations that are now true based on her actions. but, i know, she owes me nothing, has no obligation to me, in fact, i know she would rather die than help me - so what i did, we did, was break things off [she had the same stuff issues] but is choosing to go another way and that's ok - it wasn't gonna last must longer anyhooo - we were not compatable.

 

was that too long? make sense?

[need2bme]

what i discovered is i have not 'healed' in ways i was hurt in the relationship. and i was really disappointed to find that out - like being unable to accept validation expressed in ways that everyone would enjoy - i felt not worth it - so, that pissed me off.

 

Not too long and totally what I meant. I just did not say it so eloquently. I was trying to say that I am not over the feelings the relationship instilled in me. I am over her. I understand where you are coming from.

 

The current ex whatever, that I have, was all over me with the affection I so craved and I did not know how to handle it ultimatly and let it get to me. I think that is part of what was missing from my previous relationship and why I started to like this girl. She pulled the rug out from under me though...

 

A story for a different day...and I do get it, cause I am right there with you. In fact your last post helped me quite a bit.