Would this be considered cheating?

[bdwiii]

OK, I've been seeing this girl off and on now for about a year, and we've been back together now for about 6 months.

 

What's bothering me now is just two nights ago, she and I spent about an hour talking on the phone about how we felt about each other, and very deep subjects about us and what we both are feeling. She said she wants to marry me, have children, all of it.

 

Just last night however, she tells me that she's going to see a movie with a guy friend of hers. Ironically, I had asked her if any other guy, friend or otherwise, would ask her out sometime, would she go, and her reply was, "Well, if someone just asks me out to a movie or something, yeah, I'd go." Now, only two nights later, she's telling me that in fact, that's exactly what she's doing, going to see a movie with this guy who she says is just a friend. I asked her how long she's known him, and she said a little over a year. When I first heard all this, it hurt me and I was not liking it at all. I asked her if she hung out with him on a regular basis, and when was the last time she had seen him, and she said it had been a really long time. I then told her that's what has me concerned, because being a guy, I know that if you haven't ever dated a girl before, and really never were in close contact before, and then you ask her out to a movie, dinner, whatever, that's asking for a date, and you definitely want MORE! She disagreed with me and said, "he's only a friend." So I left it at that and said nothing more about it.

 

Now, she called me last night, but I was tied up working, and I told her to let me call her right back. When I was finished, I called her, and she said she had to call me back. So, I waited about an hour, and called her back, and she said she was still busy, she'd call me back. I waited a while longer, and she finally called me back. I asked her what she was doing, and she said that one of her girlfriends had called her, and that "Justin" (this guy) called her to ask if they were still on for the movies tomorrow night. I fell silent, and then changed the subject, and just talked to her about other things. She didnt' say too much, and then said she was tired and was going to bed, which I found odd because usually she's up till the wee hours in the morning and it was only 9:40 p.m. She said, she'd call me when she gets up in the morning. It's now 12:00 noon and no phone call.

 

Today is Saturday, and she and I have plans to spend the afternoon together, but then tomorrow evening she's going out to the movies with this dude.

 

My question is this: Should I be upset, hurt, and feel like I'm being lied to and cheated on, am I overreacting to it? Because right now I do feel all of those things and more. I need some input and some good advice please.

 

 

Thanks

[Honey Pumpkin]

Well, maybe I'm a bit strange, but I go to the cinema all the day with various friends. Male and female. Sometimes in a big group, sometimes with one person, sometimes I'm on my own. I love films!

 

I often go to the pictures with some of my male friends - who are married. It's not a big deal at all, to me. It's just something we like to do. I'm not quite sure why you're so hung up on it, to be honest. Maybe you see movies as dating, whereas I (and your girlfriend) see it as something nice and sociable to do with a friend.

[annie24]

hm.... kind of odd, but he could be just a friend. Do you have other reasons to not trust her? do you think she is maybe purpously trying to make you jealous so you marry her and take her "off the market?"

[bdwiii]

I should have mentioned this in the original post; what bothers me about this the most is that I had asked her to go to a movie with me several times when we were out together, and she'd always decline saying she didn't really like going to see movies in theaters, but rather likes waiting till they're available to rent, and then watching them at home. But this guy asked her to go, and she's going.

[annie24]

hm... I am really wondering if she IS trying to make you jealous, since she had mentioned wanting to marry you, have kids, everything.... and now she is going out with another guy. I wonder if she is hoping that the jealousy triggers you to propose.... or makes you start getting afraid of losing her.

 

but that is just my cynical take on things. Honestly, this sounds like something I would do.

 

I think it's possible that she isn't cheating at all.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I should have mentioned this in the original post; what bothers me about this the most is that I had asked her to go to a movie with me several times when we were out together, and she'd always decline saying she didn't really like going to see movies in theaters, but rather likes waiting till they're available to rent, and then watching them at home. But this guy asked her to go, and she's going.

 

In that case my post is wrong! Because I go to the cinema about twice a week, it's really not a big deal to me - especially arthouse cinema. But I can see that if you never went, then it is a big thing, and it is signalling something. Personally, I like Annie's take on it -that she is doing it deliberately to make you jealous or something. Weird though.

[Layword]

This mirriors exactly how my break-up went to certain extents. Be prepared my friend, something is coming.

[annie24]

PS - what caused the first breakup you guys had?

[bdwiii]

Yeah, I feel the same way, that it just isn't right. I mean she was on the phone with the guy last night for a long time, and then says she's going to bed early, and cut our converation short. I guess she felt talking to him was more inportant. The times we split up before were over agruments about her attitude and the way she was treating me. She did go back to her ex, and I thought I'd never hear from her again, but he was killed in an accident this August, and a few months later, she wanted to get back together with me.

 

I agree with Layword, it does feel like something's coming, and it doesn't feel right at all.

[annie24]

wow. Do you think she would have come back if her ex didn't die?

 

hm...

[bdwiii]

OK, that's a good question, and to be honest, no, I don't. She said differently when I asked her that same question. I asked her that, I said, I don't really think I would have ever seen you again had this not happened (him dying), and she said, "No, I was thinking about you all the time; he and I fought all the time and things weren't good. We would have wound up breaking up anyway." But the way I feel about it is simply, if you loved me so much, you wouldn't have left me to go back to him in the first place.

[newbie30]

Hmmm. Sounds a tad bit suspicious. If it were a friend she hangs out with all the time anyway, then I'd have no problem. But since it's just some random guy that you haven' met, then it seems like she's either, A.) Trying to make you jealous (which is immature to say the least), or B.). Putting her feelers out to see what other guys are like. She doesn't seem to be going out of her way to make you feel comfortable about it, either. Have you told her specifically that it makes you uncomfortable? She might be one of those girls who want you to say 'I would prefer you not to go' so that she feels wanted by you. Silly game-playing, but that could be it?

 

My silly 17-yr old cousin does this to her bf- tells him she's going to a party with a guy friend so that he will say, 'no, i want you to go with me' and it make her feel more secure that he wants her. Train-wreck waiting to happen. How old is your girlfriend? Sorry, but it sounds like you might have a problem!

[bdwiii]

Another reason why this is starting to feel even worse is she told me she'd call me when she woke up this morning, well, it's now 1:30 in the afternoon; I've tried calling her and I get sent to voice mail, I sent her a tm to see what's up, and get no reply. We are supposed to be getting together this afternoon.. doesn't seem like that's going to happen, or she's out doing something else right now?

[heloladies21]

All these are bad signs dude, and this is pointing straight towards another break up. These things are happening as a result of your inability to stick up for yourself, so this is something you're gonna have to work on if you plan on having a successful relationship, but this one is a dead issue.

[Layword]

All these are bad signs dude, and this is pointing straight towards another break up. These things are happening as a result of your inability to stick up for yourself, so this is something you're gonna have to work on if you plan on having a successful relationship, but this one is a dead issue.

 

I disagree, he's being a caring and open-minded person. She's the one with issues right now, she's showing no compassion based on his post towards him. I think you should pack your bags and show her how powerful you really are, and just flat out tell her I need someone who loves ME for ME. Cheers~

[Luck of the Irish]

I think you should pack your bags and show her how powerful you really are, and just flat out tell her I need someone who loves ME for ME.

That's the way to go. Plenty of chicks out there will give you more attention than she is giving you. I don't think she is physically cheating. If she was, why would she tell you about him? She may have an emotional investment in him though. Physical intimacies with him may be coming. Something is wrong though, for sure. She came back to you after her ex died. Now she is playing this game. Sounds to me like she is using you as a crutch. She wants to be attached to something to avoid the pain of death. After she sucks you dry she will move on to someone else.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

personally, i wouldn't go to the movies with another guy unless it was someone my boyfriend knew and he knew we were just friends and was fine with that....

 

she seems to be playing a lot of 'hard to get' games, or else she is putting you on the back burner while she chases some other guy, then calls you when she's free again... it sounds like she is someone who can't be alone, bounces straight from guy to guy, so maybe she won't really break up with you til she got another guy securely hooked, and is working on her next boyfriend after you.

 

anyway, games, inconsideration, boyfriend shopping, all of these things are not good for you or a relationship. i'd sit her down and ask her what is going on and talk to her about those things, including saying she'll call then she doesn't, putting you off, not answering texts, going out with other guys you don't know (why didn't she ask you to come with them is he is just a friend?)...

 

so i'd say definitely time to talk with her about this, and see what she says...

[puppeteer]

dude...get out of the building.

 

 

shes using you. heres a test....stop contacting her.

 

no calls, emails or texts. see how long it takes before she calls you. and when she does...don't pick up. don't reply.

 

give it a day or two. she will leave you nice messages about how shes worried about you.

 

this is the trap. she's baiting you...trying to make sure you are still there for her to use.

 

the more you contact her, the more she doesn't have to contact you.

 

 

its a childish mindf**k game and you deserve better.

 

 

move on.

[bdwiii]

Yeah, I kinda believe what you're saying, and do feel that's what's going on. She called me this morning, around 11:30, we talked a little, and then she said she had to get a shower and get ready, and that she'd call me a little later. Well, the whole afternoon went by, and then this evening at 5:30 or so, she called. We talked breifly and I asked her how the movie was, and what she had seen. She said, they didn't go to the movie afterall, that he had a lot to do today so he just came over and hung out at her place with her. I asked how long he was there, and she said only about an hour. After that I didn't ask her anything more about it. She was sweet and told me she loved me and that she'd call me later tonight. She also just sent me a picture of herself that she took with her cell phone.

 

I don't know what to think anymore?

[annie24]

hmmmmmmmmm........

 

is she a "flakey" type person.

 

I still have a theory that she is doing all of this to make you more into her, jealous, but I am not 100% on that theory.

[candy604]

yeah i hope she isn't playing games with you...that'd be very immature.

[bitbit]

i think cheating varies person to person. my definition of cheating is "if u have to lie about it, it's cheating." any flirtation, putting yourself in a bad situation, talking to a person of the opposite sex behind your partner's back, to me is cheating... let alone physical stuff. but these are just my values b/c i would consider all of these things inappropriate to do in my relationship.

[bdwiii]

Yeah, none of this really jives right if you know what I mean? Like if she said she was goin to a movie, then why didn't they go instead of him just coming over to her place and "hangin out"? Is he going to see her again, and if so, when and where? The other thing is that I've spent a lot on her lately, and she doesn't seem to really take notice to it. I hardly get to see her, and when I do, it's always short time. Maybe it's time to make some changes... but it's hard to do because I have real feelings for this girl.

[Rabican]

hm... I am really wondering if she IS trying to make you jealous, since she had mentioned wanting to marry you, have kids, everything.... and now she is going out with another guy. I wonder if she is hoping that the jealousy triggers you to propose.... or makes you start getting afraid of losing her.

 

but that is just my cynical take on things. Honestly, this sounds like something I would do.

 

I think it's possible that she isn't cheating at all.

 

That stuff doesnt work on me... so women out there.... dont always be so quick to play the jealous game. I hate games. I hate drama, I hate BS, if my girl was going out of her way to make me jealous, it would put the brakes on any marriage plans. Ive been down that road with her once before, and wont do it again. games = trouble

 

 

Now, on to the original posters problem.

 

I would tell your girl that you want to meet this guy. I find it odd that shes known him forever, you never knew about him, shes going to the movies with him.... but wont go with you, and was mysteriously absent from your phone calls the other night. There may be nothing to worry about, or there may be something huge. Meet up with him/ them. If hes just a friend she should have no problem going on a date with you, and meeting him there. Then, once you have assessed the situation and approved (rational thing to do) she should be free to see him again in the future.

[Rabican]

i think cheating varies person to person. my definition of cheating is "if u have to lie about it, it's cheating." any flirtation, putting yourself in a bad situation, talking to a person of the opposite sex behind your partner's back, to me is cheating... let alone physical stuff. but these are just my values b/c i would consider all of these things inappropriate to do in my relationship.

 

+1

 

Very well said. Putting yourself in a bad situation... to me seems so common sensical when in a relationship. IE dont go get drunk and spend the night at the Frat House right? Its just a matter of respect to your partner to keep things in check, according to the fact that you are in a relationship.

 

So, to the Original Poster, I think you need to have a good long talk with your girl and tell her how you feel. And then tell her what your boundaries are regarding this situation. I dont mind my girl talking to another guy, so long as that talking is kept plutonic and not sex talk for example. I am simply NOT willing to accept her hanging out alone at some guys apartment, or some guy hanging out alone at her place. My opinion on this is DONT PUT THE FOX IN THE HENHOUSE. If your girl wants to hang out with some guy, theres a million places she can go to see him... the mall, movies, book store, coffee shop etc. She shouldnt be hanging out alone, at home.... after lying to you and saying they were going to the movies. Ill bet you 10 bucks she knew all along they werent going to the movies. Im not saying she definitely cheated...but I would certainly be questioning it right now.

Sit down and talk with her, and trust your gut. Dont listen to your brain, dont listen to your penis, dont listen to your heart... listen to your gut. Trust your instincts, if you think this situation is bad, then it is.