should I get serious?

[blondebombshelter]

My LDR is at a point where I need to decide whether to take it to the next level or let it go and I'm so uncertain. The guy is moving to southern CA and has even enquired about getting me a job in the hospital he has been relocated to. There's no reason I won't get the job, I'm more than qualified for it and my refs are all fine. The pay seems better over there as well.

 

It will involve moving my daughter into another school and also my niece who I'm taking care of as well at the moment, a situation which may continue indefinitely (my brother works overseas). It will also mean bringing my divorce proceedings to a head and probably taking a financial loss for the sake of closure.

 

I think it's quite possible that it will work between us. But I only just started a thread worried he sees me as nothing more than sex!

[DN]

If it's an LDR why do you think he is only interested in sex? That seems a little counter-intuitive to me.

[need2bme]

I agree with "DN". Besides, I wouldn't move anywhere, just for sex. Maybe he likes you and wants to be with you.

[turqoise]

Hmm, deep deep down at the bottom of your heart, you know if he`s mr not-quite-right. my sister`s words.

Whatever you feel there, if you`re considering moving, it`s huge. Would you have wanted to if he hadn`t asked? imagine whether you would stay/be happy there if things turned awry with him. Do you have friends/family support there just in case, for example.

I just reread your post. You`ve mentioned practical reasons and proceedings this move would involve. If you really wanted to do this, I think we`d be reading more about how wonderful this guy is, and you wouldn`t have mentioned half the stuff you have here. Let your heart tell you what`s good for you, and use your head to get you there; not the other way around.

[blondebombshelter]

This is what I posted in the 'sex' forum, didn't get much response!

I'm in a long distance thing with a guy... I don't want anything committed at the moment, but maybe in the future it could work with him. We see each other once every few months or so, and he calls several times a week. This has been going on for two years. We've only had sex twice, but he has phone sex sometimes and cums. There is a really strong mutual sexual attraction between us. It took a long time for us to be so sexually open with each other.

 

It feels like lately he's been seeing me purely as sex object - when I said that to him he said he sees me as a sex 'icon' (???!) He often tells me he always thinks about me when he jerks off.

 

This is what I want opinions on... can he still be into me for who I am beyond sex, or can having too much sexual attraction for me block him from feeling real love ? I'm starting to get strong attachment to him but I know men can separate sex from emotion - I don't want to get hurt and I definitely don't want to be just someone he wants for sex with no deeper feelings.

That's my concern mainly, I feel like his feelings are all based on sexual attraction. We both work in the health field and talk about that a lot, so we have lots in common. I just feel like he has this infatuation based on sex rather than liking me for who I really am.

Plus he's always been so ambiguous, not returning calls and that sort of thing. It's just that this has been on for two years, it might be something really special, he's given me a sort of ultimatum - we can't continue when he's in California and I'm over here. God, I don't know, I'm so confused atm. I hate the thought of losing him, too. I would miss him a lot.

 

As for the mr not-quite-right comment, I DON'T KNOW!! Nobody's perfect. My ambiguity about him has always been I felt he didin't have feelings for me, but this is kind of proving that he does... or is it just sex??

[turqoise]

I feel like his feelings are all based on sexual attraction. I just feel like he has this infatuation based on sex rather than liking me for who I really am.

Plus he's always been so ambiguous, not returning calls and that sort of thing

I felt he didin't have feelings for me,

You know. You said these yourself. That`s your heart trying to tell you in its little voice. You sound very attached, you`re determined to stay in this relationship, and you bring up all the reasons why you should. I still stand by my first post.

ps. it`s not a matter of whether he likes you only for sex or genuinely; it`s the fact that you`re not sure where you stand with him. I`d tell you to risk it if you were more like: `I`m certain he really loves me, and I completely love him too, but I`m not sure if I should move`.

[SarahRose]

It sounds like you have a lot more to lose by moving away. Does he have kids?

 

If he doesn't, he should move to you so you don't have to uproot your family. Not sure where you live now but the cost of living in California is pretty high.

[blondebombshelter]

No, he doesn't have kids. I wouldn't expect him to move here, though, I've been 'talking' about moving for a long time. Easier said than done. But the midwest doesn't offer the same opportunities the CA does, in a lot of ways the move appeals to me as much if not more than the relationship! I spent 3 months there before I was married, so it's not totally foreign to me.

 

It's hard to explain the ambiguity - I'm very cautious, I guess I assume the worst about men and their motives. But maybe I'm too wary. Thanks for listening.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Would you move to California if it weren't for this guy? Because there is a bit of me saying 'Take a chance'. Not to be with him, exactly. But if you're going to move anyway...

 

I suppose it depends if you would keep your own independence, and see where it went. But it's a big commitment. I don't know, because I don't have kids, what it must be like. But if it were me - yep, I think I'd take the chance.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with Honey Pumpkin, if you had ideas about moving to CA, irregardless of the SO, then take the chance and move out here to CA. If things dont work out with the SO, you can make a life of your own out here and if you are in the health field, the job opportunities out here are pretty good. The only downside is that the standard of living out here is kinda high.

 

I just moved back to CA after 15 years of living in the Midwest (I grew up in CA). I came out here to be with my ex-best friend who moved out here for a job. I left a good job, good living, etc to move out here. My ex best friend and I had a major falling out in July and I learned to live life without him. There are lots of opportunities out here. I went back to school, made a few friends, and learned to live life on my own.

 

You are young, take the chance. We only have one life to live.

[bighair]

BBS - have you ever had the "future" talk with him? you know...where are we headed? do you know what you want from him? are you feeling ambivalent about commiting to him?

[Batya33]

No, he doesn't have kids. I wouldn't expect him to move here, though, I've been 'talking' about moving for a long time. Easier said than done. But the midwest doesn't offer the same opportunities the CA does, in a lot of ways the move appeals to me as much if not more than the relationship! I spent 3 months there before I was married, so it's not totally foreign to me.

 

It's hard to explain the ambiguity - I'm very cautious, I guess I assume the worst about men and their motives. But maybe I'm too wary. Thanks for listening.

 

So what you're saying is that you are willing to uproot your daughter to a new city and school for a non-marital relationship (or engaged) where you have concerns that it is based only on sex? Is this what you want for your daughter and is this what you want your daughter to be inspired to do when she grows up?

[blondebombshelter]

The move - or some sort of move - has been a possibility for a while. Although there is that bridge between intention and actuality. The relationship will give me the momentum and kickstart to actually do it instead of just wishing.

 

I know that sounds like I'm using him for his contacts, which I suppose is true up to a point. But I do believe we could be really good together - it's just that I haven't tested us as a committed relationship yet.

 

Naturally I wouldn't move in with him or anything. I would make sure I had a life which would work well whether the relationship worked out or not. Also my neice has some family not far from there which would be kind of nice for her.

 

He's been exploring the possibility of the position in CA for a while, all of a sudden it's come to a head and he's encouraging me to do it as well as it's a great opportunity for work in our field. The problem is I guess he's not open and communicative about his feelings. He did say last night he votes with his feet.

 

As for worrying that his attraction is based on sex ... I guess I just have to wait and see.

 

BBS - have you ever had the "future" talk with him? you know...where are we headed? do you know what you want from him? are you feeling ambivalent about commiting to him?

The 'future' talk generates these ambiguous, cautious, cagey, inconclusive conversations that leave me more confused than ever. He always says 'I don't want to talk about this now, tomorrow' and wriggles and squirms and writhes to get off the hook. Yet he continues to call mostly every day, after two years. It's a strange situation. A lot of the problem has been my ex and the divorce, etc.

[turqoise]

I thought it was about your relationship doubts when you first posted about moving, but your last post makes me think that perhaps it`s more about fear of moving?? Maybe you posted because if you could see your relationship being strong, then you could feel justified in moving.

I could be wrong, I`m just observing a possibilty.

Either way, it is sounding like your desire to move has existed before the relationship began, so then why not go for it. If this guy is giving you some kind of ultimatum then I`d consider just taking it at your own pace - I`m sure you could easily find a job there yourself later and keep an easygoing relationship with him.

[Batya33]

Sure - if you plan to have your own place that is a different story - you can date this man just like you would date someone who lived in your home town.