Dating questions :-)

[BrokenHeart82]

I have a couple questions about dating, etc in reguards to the guy im seeing.

 

We've been "dating" about 3 weeks, neither of us is seeing others, we talk and email often, etc.

 

When does dating become BF/GF...its only been 3 weeks so im not in a rush...but curious moreso

In reguards to this also...how does it come up..or does it sort of just happen?

 

Secondly in an email he wrote he said "I know were not bf/gf per se, but ive really been loving all of our time together" is he maybe hinting he wants that?

[chai714]

I have a couple questions about dating, etc in reguards to the guy im seeing.

 

We've been "dating" about 3 weeks, neither of us is seeing others, we talk and email often, etc.

 

When does dating become BF/GF...its only been 3 weeks so im not in a rush...but curious moreso

In reguards to this also...how does it come up..or does it sort of just happen?

 

Secondly in an email he wrote he said "I know were not bf/gf per se, but ive really been loving all of our time together" is he maybe hinting he wants that?

 

My personal view is that each person will gravitate toward the person they like most (if they're dating multiple people) and drop others. As far as them becoming GF/BF, it's something that evolves from dating. Eventually, you know they're not seeing anyone else and you trust them, thus the beginning of a relationship has blossomed.

[treefrogkate]

I think it becomes "officially" boyfriend or girlfriend after you've both decided not to see other people (and you should talk about this and not just assume that your idea of a relationship is the same as theirs!).

 

For me, it was really sweet. One night we were watching a movie (and this was about a month after we started dating), and my boyfriend turned to me and said "You know, today was the first time I used the word 'girlfriend' to describe you." I said back to him with a silly grin "I called you my 'boyfriend' to one of my friends yesterday." To which he replied "So I guess it's official then," and we continued snuggling.

[Jayar]

Well first of all, congrats. It's nice to be spending time with someone you like. By the sounds of what he said to you, he's EITHER hinting he wants to make it official, OR he's doing the opposite, by letting you know that he's NOT official so there are no hurt feelings if, for instance, he starts seeing someone else. It's a matter of judging for yourself since you know him best. I would THINK that the former is most likely in your case, but that's just a guess.

 

As far as how/when it happens... Some people like the whole "it evolves naturally, no one says anything" situation but I'm from the HE has to initiate that and make it clear that he wants to see you exclusively camp. Why? It's just easier on your heart to believe he is seeing other people unless and until he overtly makes it clear otherwise. And a guy who is into you and wants you for keeps WILL make it clear because he'll want to make sure you're not seeing anyone else.

 

The way I tend to do this is not explicitly state I'm seeing others, but if he asked then I might say "not at the moment" or "no one seriously". This makes it clear I AM open to seeing others (and would be open to his seeing others as well) and makes it clear that IF he has expectations of exclusivity, he better pipe up!

 

I've found that if you too readily disclose that you aren't seeing anyone else, he may never take the relationship to the next level (whether or not HE is seeing others) because there's really no incentive for him. Remember, the incentive for a guy to be exclusive with a girl is so she sees him and only him. If you're already doing that, what's the rush for HIM to give up his cake, you know?

 

Basically you want HIM to make the outspoken clear choice that you two are dating exclusively. The best way of facilitating that is making it clear you're open to that, but at the moment (and until otherwise specified) you aren't under the impression you're exclusive. And in real life you shouldn't be either, it's not a game you play. You really SHOULD be open to seeing others unless and until the guy suggests otherwise.

 

A couple other points, make sure that you don't try and coax him into "pseudo-exclusivity" by saying things like "oh well you know if you want to have sex we have to be exclusive". This never works. He might just tell you you're exclusive, have sex with you, then do as he pleases. You never REALLY know. Remember, every girl was at one point under the impression that the guy who hurt/dumped her "wouldn't do that" and "wasn't that type of guy". That's the kind of thing you can REALLY only be sure of at the time he hurts you, or at the end of your hurt-free life together. You cannot TRULY say "he'd never do that".

 

Anyway, exclusivity means WAY more when it's something he's initiated. It just saves you (as the more emotionally developed) female from setting yourself up for disappointment. Besides, think of how great it will feel to have him pursue you, rather than for you to get all "girly" on him and say basically that he's not allowed to see others. I only say "girly" because you see a lot on this forum girls "disallowing" certain behaviours in their guys. You can't do that. You can't control someone else, you can only decide whether you will stick around and tolerate their behaviours.

 

Remember, you cannot trap a guy into monogamy. He has to choose it. Or else your relationship will be a constant state of you babysitting and supervising him so he doesn't hurt you. Just my opinion.

[Day_Walker]

Typically one person in the relationship will bring it up. If it is not brought up then typically if the two act like they are bf/gf then they are a couple by conduct. At this point it is still early and there is no need to jump into things just enjoy spending time with them and have fun. You should not be so caught up in the idea of having a title since you both arent seeing other people.

[BrokenHeart82]

Thanks Jayar!! That was a really good post!

 

I was in a looooong term relationship from high school and it was a WHOLE different set of rules then lol...so im just trying to get my head on straight for this one.

 

You made excellent points though! As I mentioned...its only been 3 weeks so im not in a rush or anything like that..just enjoying our time together.

 

I agree i will not be pushy and let him be the one to clarify the status lol.