Great first date, now nothing. Advice!

[wishmstr]

So I met this girl through my mom's friend (mom's friend's daughter). We got out Saturday. No joke, most amazing date I've been on. At the end of the night we're touchy, holding hands. She's talking about how she's never had this much fun and how great of a guy I am. She starts talking about how it's so refreshing to meet someone like me and how we seem really great together.

 

I drop her off and she immediately leans in and kisses me. We kiss for about a minute or so. I say, "I know this may be kinda fast but I'd like to see you tomorrow." She says, "so would I, call me tomorrow around noonish"

 

Then she just stands at my car passenger door not wanting to leave, all smiley. I say, "Come here" and she gets back into the car and we kiss more. We both stop and just kinda stare at eachother and she leaves, telling me to text her when I get home. I text her, she says "thanks for a great night, i had so much fun"

 

So good date right? I call her the next day, doesnt answer...doesnt call back. I text her, "Hey is this you playing hard to get ;-)" She replies with "No but last night was too fast. lol i know i'm to blame. I'm just not ready for a relationship at all. We can still hang out but I wanted you to know how I feel" I reply with "I understand. I'd still like to see you tonight. What do you think" HER: "I'm at the library but I'm leaving in a little bit." ME: "Want to call me then?" HER: "sure"

 

She never calls but at 1030 that night she texts me with "Hey sorry I haven't been able to call. I've been studying all day, still am. Just wanted to say have a great night and I'll talk to you tomorrow." Tomorrow came and went and nothing.

 

Where do I stand now? What's my next move? Is everything she said a lie? Is she really scared or is this all BS?

 

Thanks!

[dil]

She obviously likes you, but is a little frightened because she likes you too much. Cool it, hotshot

[chai714]

You did appear anxious, but kissing on a first date isn't rushing things - it happens and it's not a big deal.

 

She replied to you and said, "I'm not ready for a relationship at all." Does this mean you talked about having one with her, or is this her jumping to conclusions?

 

Your next move is to quit calling her and being so anxious to see her again. That date might have been good for YOU, but how was it for HER? Sounds like she might be still emotionally involved with her ex (this is a complete guess on my part).

[LostInMyThoughts]

She obviously likes you, but is a little frightened because she likes you too much. Cool it, hotshot

 

I agree.

 

Take it slower on this one and you're in.

[dogheadma]

She might be rebounding but she definitely sounds like she's not sure what she wants. She sounds flakey. I would just leave her be.

[DN]

I agree - move on and if you meet someone else all to the good. Maybe she will contact you - if she does then you can decide what you want to do.

[wishmstr]

You did appear anxious, but kissing on a first date isn't rushing things - it happens and it's not a big deal.

 

She replied to you and said, "I'm not ready for a relationship at all." Does this mean you talked about having one with her, or is this her jumping to conclusions?

 

Your next move is to quit calling her and being so anxious to see her again. That date might have been good for YOU, but how was it for HER? Sounds like she might be still emotionally involved with her ex (this is a complete guess on my part).

 

No I definitely didn't. In fact, it was her that said something along the lines of "we're perfect for eachother." Maybe she scared herself?

[wishmstr]

I agree.

 

Take it slower on this one and you're in.

 

Do you say call her this week or just back off completely and wait for her to call?

[Survictor]

It sounds like you both let your emotions pretty much rule on your first date... yaknow... wore your hearts on your sleeve?... and that can be a little overwhelming; especially perhaps when she looked back on the date in the cold light of the day.

 

I recommend you leave it to her to call or text you and just generally step back a little and take it much slower if you get another opportunity.

[Batya33]

I would be turned off by a man who resorted to texting me instead of being confident enough to ask me on the phone or in person whether I was playing hard to get. I'd find that evasive and childish - and maybe a bit creepy.

[need2bme]

Seems like most people I know are texting. It seemed weird to me at first (I am not of the texting generation), but now I look forward to the little beep. Hell, I even need to get a new phone to make it easier.

 

Seriously, I think she is into you. Same thing happened to me. All that attention gets in your head. Hell, we all want it, need it, deserve it.

 

If you were the last one to communicate, it is now her turn. She has to do her part too.

[Batya33]

I don't think a man who is trying to date a lady should be texting her right off the bat. Particularly to say something sarcastic or negative that he likely wouldn't have the guts to say to her face. It is indirect, passive, lazy and in this case, smacks of insecurity. How hard is it to call a person you want to impress on the phone and have a conversation?

[need2bme]

I don't think a man who is trying to date a lady should be texting her right off the bat. Particularly to say something sarcastic or negative that he likely wouldn't have the guts to say to her face. It is indirect, passive, lazy and in this case, smacks of insecurity. How hard is it to call a person you want to impress on the phone and have a conversation?

 

I agree with you. I am just stating that it seems to be the "thing" now. Also, it is easy to get a text out/in when your in one of those BORING reviews/meetings.

[wishmstr]

I agree with you. I am just stating that it seems to be the "thing" now. Also, it is easy to get a text out/in when your in one of those BORING reviews/meetings.

 

Oh no, she definitely knew I was just playing with the "...playing hard to get" text message. And she told me earlier in the night to text her cause its "My preferred method of communication."

[Batya33]

If that works for you, cool. The men I've been seriously involved with have wanted to actually talk to me and see me so they could have a conversation, hear my voice and let me hear their voice. It builds an emotional bond. Texting is a good way to keep things one sided, shallow, without tone or nuance and a great way to avoid having sensitive conversations which is the stuff that bonds are made of. it's a great way to confirm plans or tell someone you're going to be late - that's about it. Also, if she is the skittish type it's a great way for her to avoid getting close to you.

 

Again, it's just me - and yes I am of a different generation, it's true.

[wishmstr]

If that works for you, cool. The men I've been seriously involved with have wanted to actually talk to me and see me so they could have a conversation, hear my voice and let me hear their voice. It builds an emotional bond. Texting is a good way to keep things one sided, shallow, without tone or nuance and a great way to avoid having sensitive conversations which is the stuff that bonds are made of. it's a great way to confirm plans or tell someone you're going to be late - that's about it. Also, if she is the skittish type it's a great way for her to avoid getting close to you.

 

Again, it's just me - and yes I am of a different generation, it's true.

 

Yeah I actually agree with you. The only reason I texted is because I didn't hear back from my first call. I hate texting when it comes to relationships because there's always the risk you can interpret something wrong. Plus, like you said, it's too easy to just erase a text and not reply.

[Survictor]

Text is certainly used so that you don't betray your emotions or if you don't want to invite real conversation or have to answer any difficult questions on the fly without 1st being able to think about your answer.

[chai714]

One thing I don't understand is people rationalizing thinking, "she scared herself." Fear is not the emotional response to liking someone. This makes no sense.

 

Can someone elaborate on how liking someone can cause fear - enough fear to withdraw from the very person you like?

[Batya33]

Yeah I actually agree with you. The only reason I texted is because I didn't hear back from my first call. I hate texting when it comes to relationships because there's always the risk you can interpret something wrong. Plus, like you said, it's too easy to just erase a text and not reply.

 

You need to give her a chance to return your call - at least 24 hours - otherwise it's a bit pushy unless you had specific time and place plans and were calling to confirm.

[wishmstr]

You need to give her a chance to return your call - at least 24 hours - otherwise it's a bit pushy unless you had specific time and place plans and were calling to confirm.

 

Yeah I'm not sure we did, you're probably right. We said we were going to hang out Sunday definitely (that didn't happen) but we never had a time/place setup. Yeah I probably was too pushy.

[Batya33]

I once had a second date where the guy showed a number of signs of insecurity. After the date I was on the fence about whether to see him again. The next day he called me around noon. I was on the other line and said I would call him back. I intended to call him back later that afternoon as I had things to do. 1.5 hours later he called me again and left a message that he was feeling insecure that I had not called him back. That, plus the insecurity I had seen the night before sealed my decision. There was no third date. All I could think about was that if after two dates he is giving me only 1.5 hours to call me back before calling again and leaving that kind of message I could only imagine what would happen if we were in a relationship and I waited a few minutes to return his call. Yipes.

[wishmstr]

Yeah and I'm not that type of dude. Clearly I think way too much about what I do but I'm not insecure and I know I didn't give off any of those signs on the date. Hmmmm, I'm leaning towards just letting it drop and letting her call me.

[need2bme]

One thing I don't understand is people rationalizing thinking, "she scared herself." Fear is not the emotional response to liking someone. This makes no sense.

 

Can someone elaborate on how liking someone can cause fear - enough fear to withdraw from the very person you like?

 

I agree. I think the fear resonates from past actions of a relationship the person having the fear, was in. I have been thinking it is a form of projection.

 

OR, maybe they just aren't into me. ;-)

 

Either way, it cannot be good. Why someone would tell you, you are their everything and still get scared, I don't know.

[dil]

One thing I don't understand is people rationalizing thinking, "she scared herself." Fear is not the emotional response to liking someone. This makes no sense.

 

Can someone elaborate on how liking someone can cause fear - enough fear to withdraw from the very person you like?

 

Are you joking? Love for some can be horrifying.

 

If you really like someone, you realize you have alot at stake here and are paranoid of sabatoging it by moving too fast, looking too clingy, being too strange...

[need2bme]

Are you joking? Love for some can be horrifying.

 

If you really like someone, you realize you have alot at stake here and are paranoid of sabatoging it by moving too fast, looking too clingy, being too strange...

 

I hear ya, but don't run the other way. I too am scared of feeling for the girl I was with. Sure, I like her, but who knows what she might be thinking about what I say.

 

That is why it is important not to run. Ya gotta talk it out. She told me. I did get a little standoffish. She was the one letting me know we were at the next level. She brought up being "exclusive".

 

So, I can see being scared and she has all the time she wants. I just don't think it fair that she backed off completely. That also shows a lack of concern for my feelings.

 

Ya gotta talk about it and preferably with the person you are with.