Help me out ladies. Please!

[drum4god]

I have been with my girlfriend for about a year, and I love her move than anything. However, I am starting to see that she probably isn't that into me, and I don't know if I am fighting a losing battle.

 

My girlfriend is impossible to figure out, and its driving me crazy. One day she is totally in love with me, and the next day she is cold and distant. We have been through a lot but we always seem to work it out. I believe my girlfriend loves me, but questions whether she is in love with me.

 

A little thing happened (and believe it probably is trivial) that bothered me so much, that its questioning whether she really loves me. Here is where I need your help.

We had a rough few weeks, mainly because she is struggling with her feelings for me. She feels in love one day, and the next day she seems to withdraw. We talked it out, and I actually felt I had a breakthough. We went out Saturday and had one of the best nights in a long time. She was very affectionate warm. I even saw her look at me in ways she never did before. It was pretty amazing. I can't explain it, but I felt like she was totally taken by me. The way she was looking at me and kissing me was as if I were the only man on earth. It was incredible.

 

Anyway, I spoke to her Sunday night and she told me she was sifting through all her e-mail. She doesn't read her e-mail much so she said it was going to take time to respond to everyone. I sent her an e-mail a few days of some nice pictures of us. I asked her if she saw the e-mail, she said she did, but didn't open it yet. No biggie. I then told her to check out the pictures and respond to let me know what you think. She said sure. Well, its 2 days later, and she didn't respond, or say anything about the pictures. Yes, I know this seems like a small thing. In fact this is probably something a woman would complain about, not a man. But I don't know. It really bothers me.

 

Here is my thinking. I was telling her last week how awsome the pictures look and she said she hasn't gotten a chance to open her e-mail. Thats no biggie, but when she did open her e-mail, she choose to respond to her friends but not respond to me tells me, that maybe this girl isn't really that into me.

 

If she told me she sent me a e-mail of beautiful pictures of us. I wouldn't be able to wait to open it, and also respond. She not only chose to wait a few days, but she didn't even respond or say anything about it when I spoke to her on the phone.

 

I am looking into to things. Should I say something. I hate coming off needy, but I have to admit, this is really making me wonder what she feels for me.

 

I guess there are others things, and perhaps this is just the icing on the cake. I feel my heart is starting to turn. I feel like she doesn't care, and I don't want to give as much. Her 30th birthday is this weekend, and I was going to write a nice poem in the card, but now I don't want to. All because of this stupid e-mail.

 

Please tell me I am overeacting. Its strange, but I am actually feeling like I am being taken for granted. I love her so much and she says she loves me, but at times I don't feel like she does.

 

Ladies. Please help me out here.

[Jayar]

I can't say for sure whether your girlfriend is into you or not... But I can say with 100% certainty that, if my BF sent me an e-mail with "beautiful photos of us" in it, I wouldn't wait to open it or respond to it. By the sounds of it this isn't the only incident that makes you question her feelings towards you either, and in my experience and opinion, our gut feeling is usually right.

 

The thing is, you can't make someone love you if they don't (or do, but not in the way you need to be loved). Not all the communication in the world will make someone feel in a way that they don't. I learned this the hard way. Sure, you could talk to her about how the e-mail thing made you feel... She'll read the e-mail and respond to it. In fact, she may always respond to e-mails in the future. But the underlying problem is still there.

 

So, assuming you are correct in your feelings that she's not as into you as you are her, you have two choices; communicate her ear off, frustrate her, try to change her, and ultimately wind up disappointed... Or distance yourself and possibly end up leaving. In your case I would advise pulling back. If she gets back into the game and works to show you she's crazy about you, then you guys might be okay. I suspect that if you pull away she won't make much effort either, and you guys will eventually drift apart.

 

And it's not the worst thing in the world being available for someone who IS into you. Good luck!

[Lady Bugg]

SIgh D4G.....I really know how you feel. I don't want to discourage you....

but the fact is MAYBE she just ISN'T the woman for you. Yes..she may care for you....but the fact that this is making you distraught is obviously an issue that cannot be overlooked.

 

I am like you. If someone I was into emailed me ...or sent me something, I would ALSO be excited about it..and get back to them asap. There is NO reason why you shouldn;t want OR expect that from someone you are "with".

Seems to me like she reacts toward you in the same way she might her brother....or a dear friend. That is NOT a romantic feeling....and you should not have to wait around for her to DECIDE if that's ever going to happen for her.

 

Seriously...my advice for you at this point is to extract yourself from her life. Don't accept the relationship on her terms....it's all or nothing...because YOU deserve that. Don;t continue to make her happy at the expense of your true happiness. Life is too short and YOU deserve to be happy too.

[drum4god]

Thanks Ladies.

 

I am not an idiot (though I feel like it sometimes) your gut doesn't lie, and I don't feel good about this. I am just upset about the way she went about this relationship. She broke up with me in January, because she didn't feel the same way. I was hurt, but I respected her wishes. I didn't contact her once. I am not the type to beg and plead. However, 9 weeks later she e-mails me saying she had time to reflect, pray and wants to talk.

She tells me she really missed me, and realized she did have strong feelings for me. Things were great, we fell in love (so I thought). Then she tells me out of know where she loves me, but is not in love with me. I was crushed, but she then told me there were plenty of times she felt in love, and that she said that she wasn't in love out of fear. I have always given her an out. I really have. She knows that I want to get married, and told her if she doesn't want to work towards that, then we should break up. She says no, she wants to work it out. She tells me she loves me. She writes me cards, with the words "I do" inside a heart, implying that she would marry me. She tells me about learning Greek so our kids can speak Greek. She tells me about honeymoon spots.

 

She even broke up with me, and then called me the next day saying she loved me, and wants to work it out.

 

This is what confuses me. I don't pressure her. I give her space. I am not jealous. I just want to know where I stand, and I can't seem to get a straight answer. I know I am the first serious relationship she had in years. She told me she only had one serious relationship. She was engaged, and the guy left her and got married to someone else. Though that happened 6 years ago I still think she is still not over it. She says she is, but who knows.

 

I wish I can let go, but its so hard. I received a taste of her love, and believe me it felt real. It felt as if she was so in love with me. I don't know how someone can look deep in your eyes like you are the greatest man in the world, and kiss you in such a tender way and say you are not in love.

 

Perhaps I am in denial. I don't know. I do need to back off. Not as a tactic, but it more to guard my heart. I have given her everything, and though she hasn't treated me bad, and has had her times of giving, and sharing. Its not consistant, and I am starting to resent her.

[shikashika]

drum4god,

 

you sound like a great caring guy who doesn't deservet this!

 

you have already broken up and got together once.... don't let that happen again.

 

now, i should take my own advice, but i think you deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you... who isn't fickle, one mintue she likes you, one minute she doesn't.

 

its hard, isn't it, because sometimes we want to be with a certain person, even if they could treat us better.

 

i recall she seemed to have some self esteem problems... it seems like you are contributing a lot more to this relationship and she just want it to 'happen'

 

its sucks when you have that 'gut feeling that the person you love just isn't putting any effort in.

 

i do think there are those people who are lazy, and just want things to happen.

 

i think that the more we put into a relationship, the more we get out of it... but it can't work when only one person is doing all the work.

 

i don't think you should ask' do you wnat me, do you need me?"

but just tell her how you feel ..

she has dropped you before when you made all this effort, don't let her bring you down again!

 

hugs! xx

[chai714]

People are "into you" or "not into you" based on how you make them feel. I believe that the duration of a relationships requires many different emotions - some of which are negative but most of which are positive. For example, it can be beneficial to make your partner feel anxious or uneasy at times - while you're being aloof and maintaining a certain degree of independence. Another example might be you delaying your responses in answering her emails or ignoring her phone calls. Sure, this may cause some anxiety or tension on her behalf but in the bigger picture this would be a healthy tactic. Why? Because you would be helping her appreciate you more and the time you spend with her physically would be seen as more valuable.

 

You being needy asking her to check her email is something you've already identified as a needy trait. Being needy is never an attractive behavior. Being needy equals insecure to some degree and we all know that having an insecure partner can be burdensome. So, forget about these small things. I would suggest you develop more interests outside of your relationship to regain perspective on your own happiness.

 

Lastly, her inconsistent behavior is becoming addicting to you. You're experiencing the highs she gives you when she comes on strong, then when she backs off you long for that attention and those feelings she gave you - you want to feel that way again. I understand this. When someones behavior is inconsistent, you begin to doubt their feelings or not trust them. Over a period of time, you feeling like this could result in negative or even hostile feelings toward her. If talking to her about this is unproductive, walk.

[DMXtreme]

Roller coasters are fun...but not this one!! My stomach just kept turning and turing with every word I read. I feel for you bro, and it looks like you know what to do. I seriously know what it feels like to stay away from the one person you want to sepnd the rest of your life with, I'd rather stick a rusty knife into my body than to deal with this kind of pain!

 

We seem to be the same person, I too gave my ex freedom, space and rarely got jealous over anything and she treated me rather well too. It was hard for me to walk away from her and not contact her, actually I am going through this now and it is killing me! But we both need to be strong because time will heal, I just wish there was a fast forward button on life!

[Lady Bugg]

I forgot to add that I DON'T think you should wait around for her to break up with you. You have a say in this too...and I would advise YOU to do the "deed' this time around. I assure you..it won't feel good...BUT at least you will feel like you have some sort control in the outcome. Besides that..it SUCKS being dumped..not only once ..but TWICE by the same person!!

[drum4god]

Thanks so much everyone.

 

Well, those who have been in my shoes know how hard it is to break away. I am fighter. I don't give up easy. If I love someone I fight to the end. I am stubborn that way, and is probaby why I have been burned so many times.

I am going to hang in there to the end of the year. Its her 30th birthday this weekend, so I will try to give her a good weekend, and next weekend she is have a party at her brothers house, so I will just keep it light and try to enjoy her birthday. I may even hold off until Christmas is over. I want to have a good holiday. I have to admit its hard. I have to buy her a birthday card, and I don't even know what to write in it. Do I shower her with kind words and lovely words. I was going to write a letter, but now I don't want to. Its crazy.

 

I could be wrong, but I feel she thinks I am always going to be there. Perhaps she is too comfortable, but if she continues this hot and cold streak I won't be around any more, and I truly believe it will hit her like a ton of bricks. Not right away, but after time she will realize what she lost, and then it will be too late. Its like the boy who cried wolf.

 

I hope this won't be the case. I really hope this can work out, but I don't know. Its seems like a longshot.

[missmebaby]

hey ive been in this situation before. for about a month before my ex and I broke up he acted in love one day and then distant and just different the next day. one day he would really want to see me and he would be affectionate and seem so happy to be with me and then the next day he didnt seem like he really wanted me to come over and he would not be affectionate and he would just be quiet and kind of ignore me. this was causing me to ask him over and over again how he really felt about me and everytime he would say he still loves me and wants to be with me. the night before we broke up we had a great night together, like the best night we had had in awhile and he said he was glad how things were going between us. well the very next day we had a fight and he ended up saying its over. he told me he had been feeling kind of different towards me for a week or so but he thought we would get past it. well its been 3 months now and he hasnt changed his mind about not wanting to be with me.

 

so what im trying to say is that when your girlfriend acts like that, it can be a sign that her feelings just arent the same anymore. but she hasnt said anything about it because maybe she feels its just a phase shes going through or she isnt sure if she wants to lose you again. but id be willing to bet that this relationship just wont last. she is probably trying to convince herself that she still wants to be with you and its only a matter of time before she finally realizes she just doesnt want it anymore. i could be wrong but ive seen breakups happen like this before, including myself just a few months ago.

[StrandedinON]

Could it also be maybe, she's scared of being alone and you're sort of a nice fallback guy? Some people would rather be with someone who doesn't set off the fireworks than face being alone.

[lizziebee]

I am so sorry you are going through this. My thought is that she is may be toying with you to see if your the man that would die for her............

Keep yourself safe. Life is too short to play games if you don't even know the rules. Good luck

[drum4god]

Thanks,

 

So where do I go from here? Do I hang around until her birthday and holidays and see how she is? What would you write in her birthday card? Being that she is turning 30, its a big deal. The more I think about it, its crazy. I have to ask people how to act to win my girlfriend over. I don't know. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could be as indifferent as she can be. The thing that really bothers me is, she knows how much I hate indifference. She knows its like my cyrptonite. I rather have someone say they hate my guts, than not care. Yet, her not responding the the e-mail shows me she doesn't care. I mean she knows this. She probably knows it is going to bother me. Is this her way of pushing my buttons so she can maintain control. Am I dealing with a control freak. She only lets me in so far. She seems to want to be in control of everything. I invited her for Christmas eve to my Aunt's, and I said I would go to her parents Christmas. She said she wants to be with her family both days. She doesn't want to give. She rarely says I love you first. I am starting to see things a little clearly. One of the things she told me when she came back to me was, the thought of another woman snatching me up drove her crazy. Its crazy. She loves the attention I give her, but she won't give me the same. She feels if she gives to much she won't be in control. Throw me a little bone here and there, but not too much.

 

She is Spanish, and I hate to sterotype, but I dated lots of Spanish women (I can't help it I love the Spanish Momi's) and one woman told me that Spanish woman won't build up his man, because if they do, he will get too comfortable and cheat on you. Perhaps that is what she is thinking.

 

I don't know. I could be overanalyzing. Its just don't what I'm dealing with. Its kind of scary.

[shikashika]

i think you should finish it before Christmas... you aren't happy... and it doesn't sound like she is giving you what you want... and thats not something you are dealing with very well.

 

you don't want her to end it, and as another person has said, it sounds like is just with you rather than being alone...

 

of course, none of us are in your shoes... but that is what it sounds like to me!

[Lady Bugg]

Drum...

 

I know this is hard for you...especially with the holidays and her birthday coming up...but why should you make it comfortable for her? This is only going to drag the pain out longer and you are going to over analyze everything between now and then. Did she make an effort to check the calandar on the day she dumped you?? I doubt it.

[chai714]

Sounds like you're a people pleaser.

 

Holidays, birthdays, etc shouldn't affect when you break up with her if that's the route you will be going.

 

Good luck in whatever decision you choose.

[Ellie2006]

Hi there Drum,

 

Sorry you're hurting right now ...

Like you, I "fight" to save relationships as well ...

But there does come a time when we have to recognize, as painful as it may be, that what we're fighting for is no longer there any more ...

 

It doesn't sound like you're ready to break up ... So please break up ONLY when you are ready.

 

If you aren't ready but break up w/ her now, you're going to panic and feel guilty (about the b-day thing and X-mas) and second guess yourself and basically drive yourself crazy ...

 

So take a couple days and really think this through ...

 

On a side note, there is NEVER a good time for a break-up ...

 

Like someone said above, if you are ready to break up, don't wait bc it's her b-day/X-mas/ or whatever ...

 

Because there's always going to be a reason to postpone ...

 

Will you postpone the inevitable until after New Year bc you don't want her to start the new year on the wrong foot?

Will you postpone the inevitable until after February bc you don't want her to be alone during Valentine's Day?

 

You get the picture.

 

So take some time to think about this, if necessary. But once your mind is made up, then you got to push through ...

 

Hugs to you and best wishes ...

[drum4god]

Thanks Ellie,

 

Its so tough. I really wish I knew what is stopping her from giving her whole heart to me. Everytime she seems on the threshold on going all in, she retreats. Its a crazy pattern. I hate it. As much as I can't let go, it seems like she can't either. Believe me I have given her every opportunity to. She always comes back. I believe it because she loves me, but I am starting to wonder if that is true. She knows what I am about. She knows I am marriage minded, and don't date just to date. She knows this. Why does she do this to me? When she broke up with me I was moving on, and getting over her. Then she calls me and tells me she wants to work it out.

 

I don't know. I am getting to the point where I am getting mad. Perhaps she doesn't want anyone else to have me, but she doesn't. She sees how I am outgoing and have no problem talking to women, and I think it bothers her. I don't know. I just wish I didn't think she was the most beautiful woman in the world. I have what they call "Oneitis". Its when you think that the person you are with is the most attractive person, and you will never find another. Its a lie, but for some reason when you are in love you believe it.

 

Anyway, enough of my rants. Well, I am not calling her (and believe me this is something I usually don't do). My friend just called with a ticket to see a private screening of a movie with Ed Norton (not sure what movie). And he is going to talk about it afterwards. So that should be cool. I would usually call her and tell her about it, but I am not. I am going to back off a little bit.

[Ellie2006]

Hey Drum,

Hope you have a fun night w/ your friend.

The movie/talk w/ Ed Norton sounds great! I am jealous!

 

Hey, I hear ya about "Oneitis"!

I caught it too but w/ my ex ... while we were together, it was great but now, it's just pathetic ...

Drum, don't be like me Catch it w/ the "right" person for you ...

 

Have fun~

[drum4god]

Hey Drum,

Hope you have a fun night w/ your friend.

The movie/talk w/ Ed Norton sounds great! I am jealous!

 

Hey, I hear ya about "Oneitis"!

I caught it too but w/ my ex ... while we were together, it was great but now, it's just pathetic ...

Drum, don't be like me Catch it w/ the "right" person for you ...

 

Have fun~

 

Thanks,

 

Saw a screening of a movie called the Painted Veil. It will come out on Dec 20th. It was a love story/hate story about a doctor (Ed Norton) and his cheating wife (Naomi Watts). Interesting story line about love/hate and forgiveness. It had a pretty sad ending, but overall it was pretty good.

 

Ed tood some questions from the audience. He seemed like he wanted to get out of there. He was supposed to stay around for autographs, but he booked out of there. My friend and I saw him on the street, and my friend asked him for a picture, and he said he can't do that right now. I don't know, he comes off like a self absorbed jerk. But who knows.

 

Anyway, my girl calls me yesterday, and it was her on day. She was happy and excited to talk to me. I will see her tonight and just play it cool. I am still mad about her not looking at the e-mail. I feel like saying something, and I may. I have to look at it this way at this point what do I have to lose. Who cares if she gets annoyed. Who cares if she thinks I'm needy. I don't care. If something bothers me I should not hold back.