StrandedinON

Either talk to them both or don't take her. If either of them are not okay with the situation and its potential for drama.. don't take her.

We actually knew each ther for several months before I moved. I wasn't taking a plane trip every weekend, more like once a month. It's been hard on me because I was in a fairly successful position career-wise when I left. I wasn't exactly happy, but I could afford the things I needed, and even a few things I wanted. Long spates of not working make me restless and irritable, and eventually, depressed I suppose in a way. On one hand I don't blame him. He met and fell in love with someone who was in her prime, who had found her own self-worth enough to get out of a damaging marriage and was standing on her own. The sitting and waiting through the immigration process has definitely changed me, and probably not for the better. A lot of his approach to our relationship encouraged this change, and as much as it was my choice to change, I suppose it was as much his choice to affect those changes. I am unaccustomed to jealousy (In large part I'm too old for it and my threshold for inappropriate behavior is almost shockingly low) where he is a rather jealous person. He would ask about who I talked to on the phone, or who was sending me emails to the point where I started to unconsciously limit my contact with friends just to avoid the questions. He would never stop me, but it is European nature I think to be a bit possessive, and also to ask questions rapid-fire about everything in an attempt to "make conversation." I'm starting to reassert myself, which annoys him I know. In as much as he is pushing me away to protect himself the day I leave, I am having to push back and remind him that there are parts of my life he won't be sharing in anymore. He asks me if he doesn't have the right to continue to be concerned for me and care for me and want to know that I am okay. In an attempt to drive the argument home, I have told him that he no longer has that right, that if something happens to me it's not very likely he'll find out about it unless he talks to someone in my family. I'm also entering the anger phase of the grief, which is making it hard to stay clear-headed. I look back at two years of promises of love and devotion and they feel like lies. Even in the past month, there is a long string of broken promises. Now I know better than most that we will break promises to our loved ones before anyone else because we feel the relationship can take the strain; but I feel an incredible sense of injustice when his breaking promises is part of his pushing me away. In my attempts to talk and understand what's going on, he repeats himself over and over about what he wants and how he wants things. Not once has he asked me what I want. I asked him about that last night and he said "Oh I know what you want." But I don't think he does. I want to be a whole person again if we're to be together.. neither of us subjugate to the other. If that means we have to be apart in order for us to accomplish that, then I guess that's what it means. It sucks, it hurts, but this is no groundwork upon which to build a marriage.

Hi2u Welcome to.. is it phase 2 or three? of the grieving process: Anger. The rest is downhill from here. It's a long and painful trip. Let your body and your mind go through it naturally, and when you get out on the other side, you'll be a better person. That's what I keep telling myself.

I guess people talk about phases of grief because it's true. I suppose I'm trying to come out of my hysterical/angry/psycho phase and am settling into acceptance..which is the part that takes the longest. After crying myself hoarse, not eating for four days, and then tearfully talking to my mom, I'm working on moving on. She reminded me that if I loved him so much, I should let him go, because that's obviously what he wants. And she's right. His happiness is still paramount to me, even if it means some suffering on my end. If he comes back, he was mine to begin with, if he doesn't, then I can only look back at the past couple of years, thank him for making me feel loved and beautiful again and for being my hero and that's it. I have an 1800km drive ahead of me. Me and my cat and my MP3 player. I have a lot of work to do to separate my life from his. But it'll get done. And if he doesn't come back, maybe there's someone else out there for me.. maybe there's not. But I can't need to be in a relationship to be validated. I need to find my own validation.

Having done the TTC dance, I should remind you that things don't always go according to plan. It can take longer than you plan, or shorter. Maybe 4 extra weeks of padding in there wouldn't be bad if you were concerned about your ability to conceive. But..and here's the NUMBER ONE RULE about kids and marriage: BOTH of you should be in on the action. If you can't agree, then don't sneak one in on him, it only does damage, not just to the relationship, but to the child conceived out of that relationship. If everybody's not on board, then no Baby on Board sign for you. having a child should be a mutually agreeable and fun experience for you both. Maybe suggest a compromise if your heart is stuck on getting things rolling earlier. But some battles, and this sounds like one of them, are better surrendered now for more important victories later, like you both being happy with each other as you love your new son or daughter. Good luck to you both.

Jealousy sucks. It sucks to be jealous and it sucks to be with a jealous person. I think on some level there's a little "I feel wanted when you get possessive." but like with good wine, it should be in moderation. At the point where "If it's a girl you can't talk to it." comes in.. you've got SERIOUS issues that you, no matter how giving you try to be, will simply not be able to solve. I can't tell you what those issues are, but I can list a few possibilities: 1.) She is paranoid about your infidelity because of her own. It's called projecting. If she gets the hots for some guy other than you, she projects the idea that you get the hots for other girls and that's simply not acceptable. 2.) She has major self-esteem issues. In order to ensure that she wins the competition for you, she must eliminate all the others. Regardless of their actual position as competition or not. She could have past relationship issues with this, and be bringing them with her. Gotta love people's baggage. 3.) She has some MAJOR growing up to do. I'm not sure how much this needs elaborating, but basically as you get older and more independent you really don't bother with being jealous.You MUST be respectful of your partner (Don't make out with your best girl friend in front of her) but cutting them off from the outside world and their friends only causes problems later on. Please feel free to reference my own squished relationship for confirmation of this. Good of you to take some time and reflect back and try to learn something.

Hmm... Maybe it's not the subject of the photo, but the photographer that causes the problem. As this is written it picks up on all the juicy signs of emotional abuse. And the fact that you take it and don't put a stop to it or kick his butt to the curb (the preferable solution) only encourages him to continue like this. It is possible to have someone who makes you feel truly and perfectly loved. A person who thinks you're feeling good and your smiling at him is one of the best highs of his day. This guy is obviously not doing that for you.

Defensiveness usually arises out of a perceived threat. Usually, it sounds like here, a perceived criticism. So Diplomacy needs to start kicking in probably on both sides. Things not to say when expressing your frustration at someone: "Always" or "Never." No one ever always or nevers, the saying goes. The permanent presense or lack of presense of a trait is easily perceived as a threat to an ingrained behavior and is defeatist because you already think it won't change using such extreme terms. Try using "Sometimes" or "Every so often" or even "A lot more frequently lately." "You do" "You Say" without any qualifiers "You don't listen to me." For example. Again, it's a non directional personal attack. Turn it not into what a person is doing wrong, but how you react to what that person. "I feel as though my problems and concerns aren't as import as yours sometimes. It feels like you have have difficulty listening to me." Also telling him how things make you FEEL is less threatening as most people believe there's nothing wrong with feelings being wrong. Use the Positive, Positive, Negative, Positive model. "I love that you can open up to me the way you do, and I love that you stand by your opinions so strongly. Sometimes I feel like my opinions get lost in the fray, as if you're having a problem listening to me and my opinions. I feel like I should have as much of a right of expression to you as you have with me. I value your intelligence and ability to come to your opinions, even when they are different from mine." They teach mediators all of those tactics,since they're usually sitting in between two people in the worst kind of fights. Maybe try them with him and see if a little diplomacy gets you heard. If it does, then maybe you can open the door to discuss his attempt at diplomacy as well.

I had always thought masterbation was normal. It happens inside of healthy relationships all the time. It's the sexual equivalent of scratching an itch. It's possible the table was scene of the crime, so to speak, because that's where he could connect his computer. Girls at least have the good fortune of not having this be a messy process. We have messier things that happen once a month. Guys sort of make a mess. If your guy's old enough for you to sleep with him, then he understands he makes a mess and usually stops it before it happens, or cleans up after himself. Not talking to him about it and being disgusted by it is probably not helping things. Maybe suggest an alternative laptop connection connection. De-mystify the whole process. It's normal behavior, it's not something to be ashamed of. And sometimes.. it can be pretty hot to watch.

Could it also be maybe, she's scared of being alone and you're sort of a nice fallback guy? Some people would rather be with someone who doesn't set off the fireworks than face being alone.

I think, if it was simply "Things are too tight financially, I'm getting you out of here so that I know you're safe," I could almost live with it. Two years of battling immigration have been frustrating and draining and moslty leave me in long spates of not working (I can't work in my normal job until they say so). What was onced an active social life has become almost nil as I'm in a new country and have a hard time meeting people and he's not exactly the sociable sort either. So there is a sort of dependency that has occurred out of the circumstances. His ex-wife was almost completely dependent on him even down to doing all of the household chores while she refused to work or bother with living. I get confused because part of him fosters this. He worries about my ability to go out and be somewhere for long periods of time without him. He tends to call and check on me if I'm gone for more than a few hours. He says he feels smothered by the pressure, the pressure to make sure I'm okay, school, money and the lack of it and says he needs to do these things alone, that he needs time and space to do these things alone. If I had my work visa, certainly I could simply go out and get to work and relive the financial burden. And I had talked to him before about returning to the States for a while to do exactly that. But he flatly refuses any offer of financial help from me. and until now had said "We need to stick together." Sometimes he makes it sound like we're taking a break. But when he talks to his family, he says "things just aren't working out like we had hoped. She's tired and frustrated and needs to work and so she is going back to the states so she can work." Sometimes he makes it sound more cruel "You're so dependent on me right now it scares me and smothers me and I need to do this alone." He holds out threads of hope that in a couple months we'll talk and see where we are and if we want to be together. But I've always thought separation prettty much spells death for a relationship. I know I'll want him. It's not the grief or the shock talking. There's those moments of clarity and I know that there is always a place for him in my heart. I know better than most people that you never mean to hurt the people you love; you just do sometimes. Sometimes you take them for granted, sometimes you let them get under your skin more than anyone else and get angry at them faster. It's very very hard not to take things someone you love says personally, because no matter how self-confidant or non-self confident you are, you base a little of your ego off of that person and how they feel about you.

It started out long distance. We flew to see each other. I lived in the US, he lived in Canada. We talked constantly, searching each other out and seeing each other when we could. When the initial infatuation cooled down, we looked at ourselves and where we were and thought to make a go of it. I suggested he come to the States, where I made more money and he could get residency independent of me through some family of his that lived not too far away. He owned a business in Canada and was not inclined to be that far away from his son. He begged me to come to Canada. I told him I didn't have a job lined up, and I didn't understand how immigration worked. he said we would work it out together. As long as we loved each other, he said, we'd be fine. After a while I believed him. I had been detached and logical in previous relationships and all it had earned me was a few broken bones and a divorce. He was a romantic, but maybe that was what I needed. Things started out beautifully. But time dragged on, the immigration process dragged on, I wasn't working, and after a car accident, his business was failing. In an attempt to revitalize him, I suggested he go to school and learn to do something else, something he always wanted to do. I stood by him, pushed him, helped him, and did whatever I could to help him get into university. And when he got in, he was so happy and proud of himself, and I was so proud for him. All this time, there was hang up after hang up. A document lost here, a box missed there, immigration was more interested in keeping me out of the country than in it, despite my skilled worker status being so clear. He was never a very sociable person, disinclined to hang out with people, I often felt lonely and isolated, as if he were my only friend. Because many times he was. The situation compounded as the money started to run out and we couldn't go out or do things. We moved, and seemed revitalized by the change, the expansion of space, and the hope of things getting better. He was studying hard and doing well, and already eyeing graduate school. But immigration drags on, and my NAFTA visa was expired, so I was again isolated at home alone. I was feeling defeated, he was feeling stressed. The money was gone, the business on the brink of failure, and his time so consumed by school that finding work was going to be difficult. My sister came to visit for Thanksgiving, cheering me up immensely, despite my not being able to afford to take her out and about as I had always done before. On the way back from the airport, I asked, "are we going to make it?" The financial pressure was incredible and I was racking my brain for ideas of how to get through. For the first time in two years he responded "I don't know." I was stunned. Every time I had asked this question he had said "We'll get through it together." This time.... I didn't say anything else for a while, then said "If things are so bad, we need to get out of this before they get any worse." he agreed. He meant the relationship. And that evening he gave me a very sketchy "I need to prove to myself that I can lead my own life and that you can lead yours. So we need some time apart." Here I am. Out of money in a foreign country, without even the resources to return to the US, let alone to start up a life of my own again. I am desperately in love with this man, who has spent years holding my hand and making me feel loved and beautiful and worthwhile. Who has shared his life and culture with me, and taken an interest in my life and culture, such as it is. He admits to finding me physically attractive, and he admits that there are things about me that are similar to traits he did not care for in his ex-wife. Is this something we can heal together? I don't have a home anymore, and now I don't have a heart, it's been so incredibly broken. One minute he holds me and touches me and kisses me in tears..the next he seems so incredibly callous I can't believe it's him. I don't know what's going on anymore and I don'tknow what to do. My heart is his, and I want him in my life, but if he doesn't want to be in mine there's obviously not much I can do. I don't know. I just need some kind advice.