Long Engagement

[MissMandaJo]

Is it a bad idea to have a long engagement? I am 20 (or will be in a few days) and my boyfriend is 26 (27 in Jan). He proposed to me about a week and a half ago. We've been together for a little over 1.5 yrs. We have decided to wait til late 2009 early 2010 to get married. The reason being is that I am in college and I would like to graduate first. However, I have heard horror stories about catastrophic long engagements and how they never work. I didnt really think 2 years was really that long. What do you guys think?

[Beec]

I don't really think things will change all that much with you becoming engaged. It's a change in committment, but it should not change how you interact.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Its just marriage with out the papers. If you can be together 2 years as a commited couple then marriage won't be much different. You don't need to be married to be devoted and honorable partners.

[southerngirl]

Thats not too long. That gives you time to prepare for the future, to save money, to dream of your plans...

 

If you want a nice huge expensive wedding you may need that long to plan for it. if you want to do a cheaper wedding it gives you plenty of time to plan for that too!

 

2 years is not too long. Like the others said, if you love eachother and are committed it doesnt matter when its 'official' anyway. You know what your heart feels.

 

Don't rush the time table, getting your degree first is very smart.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Actually, given your situation, it is not long at all. I believe you and your fiance are playing it smart.

 

I have a good friend whom did the same thing. She was in school and her and her now husband dated for about 6 years before he proposed and they got married last October. They waited until she was done with school, had some money saved up, and bought a house. They are doing great! Oh, and she is 27 by the way so you have plenty of time to do things right.

 

The horror stories you hear probably have to do with couples whom get engaged but don't have a plan on what to do. And time drags on. I have seen that happen as well. But you have a plan.

 

Congradulations on your engagement!

[Jayar]

Nope, not too long at all... I'd much rather see a guy proposing after a year and a half and then going through a long engagement like you guys are, rather than enduring years upon years of DATING with no committment to marriage in the future. That's just me personally. This way you know the guy is set on you to be his wife. No wondering for the next few years, then being disappointed when you find out after 3 or 4 years he never planned on proposing!

[southerngirl]

kellbell you remind me of my sister's story. Figure I should share that with everyone.

 

Her and her now husband dated for 5 or 6 years maybe even longer, met in highschool.. They were engaged, everyone thought yeah right they are too young. But they planned it. They both got their degrees. She is a marine biologist now, and they were married 2 years ago at the age of 26.

 

They are doing great and own a home, and just had their first child together at the age of 28. They plan to have another child but they both have careers, a house, and savings in the bank. They did the smart thing in planning out everything rather than rushing.

 

Hmmm I could have learned alot from my sister lol Here I am, one year older and well, Ive just flown through life compared to her.

[BellaDonna]

My engagement lasted about 3 years. I was in the same stage of life as you when I got engaged. I think it makes perfect sense to wait until you graduate. (That's what I did so maybe I'm biased )

 

You'll also find it's much easier to fit wedding planning into your life when you do not have exams and term papers and other things to worry about.

 

BellaDonna

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Long engagements are not a problem unless one of the partners doesn't really want to get married, and sets the date far away (or won't set the date at all) to prevent that... then keeps postponing the date again and again as the date gets nearer. He may have proposed only because she said she would leave if she didn't get a ring, and he is just pacifying her. woman might do the same, accept the proposal because she doesn't want to lose him (yet), but not sure if she really wants to marry him either. so a stall tactic that eventually blows up when the partner gets tired of waiting for the marriage to happen.

 

but i think long engagements can actually PREVENT a lot of divorces. by that i mean, if you can't make the engagement work and last through a couple years engaged, then you won't make it through a marriage and shouldn't be getting married at all. Lots of people rush into marriage quickly because they think it will fix some problem in the relationship (it won't) or are afraid their partner is showing signs of a wandering eye and marriage will fix it (it doesn't).... etc.

 

i hear the jokes about young 'starter marriages' all the time, 'i just finished my starter marriage..' i.e., a quickie year or two marriage in their 20s that ends rapidly in divorce. most of those marriages/divorces would be prevented if they had a longer engagement, and a lot of starter marriages these days are actually in lieu of a real engagement, they just get engaged, run off and get married within a few months later, then wonder, what was i thinking?? no time to really adjust to each other in a committed state, leaping into the marriage before really trying the idea of true commitment on for size in a decent engagement.

 

so if you've got a good relationship this can go the distance, two years is nothing... considering you have to last 40-60 years to stay married your whole life, waiting 2 years to get married should be easy if you're compatible.

 

btw, congratulations on your engagement!

[shikashika]

personally I don't see the point of putting so far ahead in the future... but thats me... some people are happy to do that... sounds liek you are, so no problem

[DaDancingPsych]

As most have expressed, this isn't a long time. Wedding or no wedding, if you love one another, your relationship will last! Not meaning to be the pestimist, but I would rather find out that this person isn't the one for me during our engagement (when separating is still easy) rather than during a marriage. I think a lot of people rush without really knowing and a longer engagement gives you this opportunity (if needed.)

 

Also, as mentioned it gives you time to really think about the details. You can explore different options for your big day and decide pick what you really want rather than settling for what's available. Plus, this gives you time to think about bigger life decisions.

 

I think you are being smart! Finish your education. Get yourself settled. You'll be in a better spot to be married!

[RayKay]

Honestly, two years is not a long engagement time. Many average about a year as is, and many give themselves two if they are planning on a bigger wedding or have relatives far away or need to save.

 

I think "long engagements" are only "bad" or end up badly when someone did not want to get married in the first place and felt pressured to doing that, so now are also delaying the wedding. If you are both getting married as you both WANT to and for the right reasons and you are compatible, it won't be a longer engagement itself that "ruins" things!

 

If I were to get engaged right now, I would have to wait a couple years too as due to schooling, I need the student loans and if I was married, they honestly would not give me enough to cover my tuition unfortunately! I cannot imagine also planning a wedding right now with my courseload, plus working, and dealing with other things in life right now. If not for that, with my boyfriend I probably would not have a very long engagement as we have been living together a while now, and neither of us wants an expensive, big wedding or anything, but I do have friends whom did and took far longer or had school to complete, etc.

[skyjuice]

Her and her now husband dated for 5 or 6 years maybe even longer, met in highschool.. They were engaged, everyone thought yeah right they are too young. But they planned it. They both got their degrees. She is a marine biologist now, and they were married 2 years ago at the age of 26.

 

They are doing great and own a home, and just had their first child together at the age of 28. They plan to have another child but they both have careers, a house, and savings in the bank. They did the smart thing in planning out everything rather than rushing.

 

Hi

 

It is amazing how two person in partnership could accomplish a lot with proper planning. I mean they have to know themselves well and know what they want to do in life before they could achieve it.

 

I think it needs constant reflection of who you are and what you want to be. Besides that, it is also about readjusting your steps. Don't go to fast and don't go to slow. Encourage each other to be successful and achieve their dreams. Be supportive of their partner and not to get jealous if one partner is more successful. Listen to the needs of other partner and plans how this needs could be satisfied. And also about expressing your own needs, so that it could get heard.

 

It really involve a lot of teamwork and co-ordination. It also involve problem solving skill and communication skill to resovle any misunderstanding. It also about knowing how to tell the truth but hurtful things to the spouse.