Alone in an endless pain

[Dark Cloud]

Today is another of my lonely days, where I sit alone in my room, thinking about life. The last years it has been a lot of days like this. I once used to be a happy and caring boy, but times have changed me. Now I only feel hollow and sad.

 

The last years have somewhat a living hell for me. getting beaten up, stepped on, rejected by the first girl I ever showed emotions for, and other things like that, have been some of the things I have experienced.

 

Last year I had a failed suicide atempt. The first girl I ever showed emotions to, seemed to firstly like me, but when I told her what I felt for her, she rejected me. After this she didn't want to talk to me anymore. The pain was too much for me, and after a few days I decided that I didn't want to live anymore, so in the middle of the night, 15 august last year, I walked down into our basement to find my dad's shotgun. I found it, but we were out of shells...

 

This failed suicide atempt made everything even worse, as I had even failed taking my own life. I seemed to have failed everything I've ever done. After this I started hurting myself. Not like that badly, but things like knocking my head into a wall, hiting myself with things, and stuff like that.

 

I used to have alot of friends around me all the time, and was always happy and caring, but the last year, I have been shuting out myself, trying not to get hurt anymore. This also seems to have failed, as it only have made me loose a lot of my earlier friends. Among other people I often smile and laugh, but inside I feel like a empty shell; false and pretending to be something I'm not.

 

5 times a week I'm traing Biathlon, and 1 time a week I go to town to play Warhammer, which is a pretty cool habby I got. The only problem about it, is that the people there make me feel even more sad. They say things that hurts me, and makes fun of me. Somewhat it seems like this is how the world is...careless and hurting...

 

I have written a lot of poems lately, but everyone just say:

Oh, how nice...or: Oh, how good you are!

nobody understands that this actually is how I feel inside...

 

Now I'm once again thinking about death. Maybe it isn't that bad after all?

[BellaDonna]

Hi there and welcome to enotalone. I am sorry that you are feeling so sad. I'm glad you decided to post here and talk to us.

 

Who has beaten you up? Other kids? -Did they physcially beat you or were you referring to emotions?

 

How is your relationship with your parents/family? Have you talked to them about this?

 

I know it's hard and embarrassing to be rejected when you like someone. I think if you are feeling sad, the best thing you can do right now is focus on YOU. Forget about girls for a little while until you get back on your feet.

 

Death is not the answer. Trust me when I say that things will get better for you with time. It's hard to be 16 and feel like you do not have any friends, etc. However you will not be stuck in this situation forever.

 

Your future can be bright. Maybe you'll find something you love to do ,and go away to college and get a great career. What do you think you'd like to do in life?

 

BellaDonna

[Dark Cloud]

I were both physically and mentally beaten up, although it was physically I were talking about, and it was my so called "friends" who did it...

 

About my fammily...I don't trust them, like they don't trust me...

 

and I don't have any much time to focus on anything at all...I use almost all my time on training, hobbies and school work, there isn't much time left after that.......

[BellaDonna]

I use almost all my time on training, hobbies and school work, there isn't much time left after that.......

 

You seem like a very motivated and smart person. That's a step in the right direction. Just remember to sneak in some time to relax too.

 

What has made you not trust your parents?

 

 

BellaDonna

[Scout]

Hi, Dark Cloud...I'm so glad you found us here on eNotalone. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us, I know it's not easy to write about.

 

I am trying to think of a way to respond to your post in a manner that doesn't come accross as condescending about your age, or in a way that basically repeats what you've probably heard a million times...that the teenage years are difficult, etc., etc.

 

But I'm having a bit of a struggle, because all I can think about is how depressed I was when I was a teen. Honestly, you hear about the hormonal changes during this time so much, and you really have to conclude they must do something to effect our emotions and thoughts. Another thing is, this is an age that is right on the threshold of "growing up"...so, our eyes are open to a few things we haven't realized before about the world, and it can be a bit of a shock. It can make us feel, wow, the world isn't such a kind place. What's my place in it? Do I even want a place in it?

 

All I can tell you is that if you are generally a decent person, with a capacity for compassion, not only do you have a place in the world, the world desperately needs you to stick around. It's true there is pain and evil in this world. But there is also incredible goodness, and looking back over history, you will see many instances of good winning over evil. This is because there were people who refused to give up in the face of significant odds. They simply refused to shut up until change for the good occurred.

 

Won't you take your place with these people? Even if others have done evil to you in the past? Checking out is not the answer, and it won't help the cause of goodness. And I agree with Bella, you sound like a smart, motivated person, even if you're very unhappy right now.

 

Let me tell you, I completely empathize with your feelings of hurt and anger over being physically mistreated. That can leave a deep emotional scar. But at the time, you did the best you could under the circumstances, and it sounds like you are committed to being a physically healthy and strong young man. A lot of people have gotten beat up as kids and went on to become very adept at defending themselves as a result. In fact, there is one guy on eNotalone (I won't mention names) who is a trained martial arts expert. To the point where he will actually let someone talk crap into his face and try to walk away from fighting, because he knows the skills he has could put that person in the hospital. This guy could have chosen to be a bullying jerk. Instead, he's a "kind warrior," an advocate for peace.

 

I think the track you're on right now is generally a good one. You're getting out there in the world and pursuing your activities, even though there are some people around you who are not treating you well. You're refusing to cave in and remain barricaded in your room. Friend, this means you're a strong person, stronger than you realize.

 

And so it's going to get a lot better for you. It may take a long time (to you), or it may not. But don't give up. You've got some real gifts this world badly needs.

 

Also, you've got a forum of support here, don't forget that. Again, thanks for finding us!

[DN]

I agree with what BellaDonna and Scout have said about support on this forum. And if you need some more help then you can always send a private message to someone (you will need a couple more posts to enable private messaging). I will help you if I can.

[Relationship Coach]

Dark Cloud,

I'm glad you found your way to us so we can help you understand that suicide is not the answer or solution to any problem.

 

 

The pain was too much for me, and after a few days I decided that I didn't want to live anymore, so in the middle of the night, 15 august last year, I walked down into our basement to find my dad's shotgun. I found it, but we were out of shells...This failed suicide atempt made everything even worse, as I had even failed taking my own life.

 

You didn't fail, this was clearly a sign that you are to live! I understand the heartache of a first love leaving you feeling empty. I still to this day remember my battle with this and the lessons learned from it. At 16 I was pulled in to many directions by peer groups that were total opposites, where I had made friends, I had made enemies as well. Life became easier being alone and less complicated but incomplete. I then looked at myself to see what kind of friend I was capable of being to others. To my dismay, I found great value in the fact that I loved helping others, even if it was thankless. I volunteered working with kids who had down syndrome and saw only the good in others who had it so bad.

 

The point of this is I discovered my existence on this planet mattered, I made a difference in someone else's life. My life had value now to myself as well. You see it's not about how others treat you, it's about how you treat others. Being beaten up and made fun of is a horrible ritual that many experience. Change your activities to stay away from those who are ignorant to humanity and find a place where you can impact others lives in a positive way. You now have a support system with the good hearted members of ENA and we will do whatever we can to help you through the difficulties in which you face. Posting here was a huge step, signifying that you want to live and that you want help, for this I applaud you, you've shown courage where you saw only darkness.

 

RC

[NJRon]

Hey Dark Cloud. When I was 15 I had a similar thing happen to me. A girl I had an extreme crush on, and who I felt liked me a lot also, ended up rejecting my advance when I was 15. It was my first "love" and I took it pretty hard. I attempted suicide, though half-heartedly. I don't think I really wanted to die, so much as punish myself and, in some twisted way, maybe her. I came to a critical point where I could have, and just decided not to continue. To this day I have a scar that reminds me of how close I came to throwing everything away. All the joys I have had in the last 20 years of my life... all the positive growth I have achieved by overcoming hardships placed in my path... I wouldn't have had the opportunity to experience any of them.

 

You have an opportunity to look at your life in two ways. Either as the victim, or the victor. You can re-write your personal story from a new viewpoint at any time. You can look at the strengths and positive qualities your successful struggles bring you through this dark time. You can envision a positive future and continue to move toward it.

 

You are doing many of the things that will be the foundation for a bright future. Continue down trhat path and look to yourself for inspiration. people who deride you are merely projecting their own insecurities onto you because they choose not to face their own failings. Don't let them drag you down into their broken thinking.

 

This is a great forum for venting feelings without exposing yourself to those that you feel may take advantage of it. It is also a place to post poetry in the poetry section. I wouldn't continue to try and make other people understand how you feel when they don't have the capability.

 

I don't tend to listen to people that tell me to do things that I know are harmful. That extends to more than just physical harm. I do my best to make sure I don't listen to those that intend me emotional harm either. I don't feel they are worth the consideration.

 

Best wishes...

[Dark Cloud]

thank you all, you have made me feel a lot better today! Maybe ending my life wouldn't be the best answer...

After all, there is some nice people out there, although they don't live that close to me...

Once again thank you all!

[Scout]

You're so welcome, and maybe you could bookmark this thread (and hopefully keep posting on it) so that whenever you have feelings of unhappiness and despair, you can come back and read what was written here again. I think I might myself the next time I feel stressed and worried!

[FoxLocke]

Hi Dark Cloud and welcome to ENA...

 

Anyway, I can relate to you SO MUCH. When I was 17 I tried to commit suicide. Obviously, it did not work seeing as I'm typing on this thread...and I'm glad.

 

I was bullied regularly in school, and I had so much inner turmoil going on that I thought it would never end...But you know what? It did, eventually.

 

It won't always be the same. I'm sure you've heard that before but its true. Sometimes, even though it hurts, you just have to get through it. That is all one can really do...

 

But I think it is great that you are opening up to us here. And the previous replies were all great advice...

 

Take care. Blessed Be.

[Azual]

Hey Dark, I can completely identify with you.

Turned down by your "first love"... beat up by everyone... parents don't trust ya...

It all sucks. Everything is a horrid, evil, vile, disgusting figment of time we call life.

But ya know what? With all the evil, vile things we face in this world... it makes finding something or someone good, and worth holding onto... all the more special.

Glad you've pulled through, we'll be here if you need us man!

 

EDIT - And if you want to laugh at me for this... I just now realized EVIL and VILE have the same letters... just in different spots... lol