Someone for everyone?

[laboheme]

Just wondering if it's true that each person has the potential to find his or her "one and only" someday (and by this I don't mean "soulmate"...I just mean a person that you truly love and click with and want to spend the rest of your life with...and I recognize the fact that there are probably several people with whom you can be truly happy). Are there people who are simply meant to be alone and there's nobody out there for them? Or do most relationships amount to just finding somebody who you can get along with and trying to get true love from that?

 

Any thoughts?

[musicguy]

I seem to be walking the lonely line

[melrich]

I doubt anyone is "meant" to be alone. But many people are. I am not sure how many would be by choice.

[quietgrl]

musicguy,

 

I've been walking this alone line for a long time so i can relate but i can't see any man being able to handle me in a relationship.I'm alone.

[shikashika]

I feel like I'm going to be alone forever right now.. HATE when peopel tell me 'oh you'll meet someone'... well maybe I won't... not everyone does.. they just don't know what else to sa.. lots of people are single and thats the fact we have to face...

 

We think we're not going to get a brain tumour, be kidnapped in Colombia, or have our entire family die in a car crash, but it happens to some people, so why not us?? smae with being single... not everyone meets someone..

 

I see soem people who never had a partner, but soem of them have serious social problems...

what I hate is the fact that fairly attractive, have lots of friends, enjoy lots of hobbies, interests, my friends tell me I'm kind and generous...and *I'm* still single?

 

If someone has some serious issues, or inabilty to cope with things... but when I'm seemingly 'normal' it doesnt seem fair

[musicguy]

quietgrl

 

How old are ya?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think finding perfection takes a lot of work, and nothing ever stays the same, so perfection as an ideal is a bit too hard to find and maintain...

 

so i think you need to find someone you get along with really well, and trust, and there has to be quite a bit of emotional and physical spice and sparks in the relationship so deep boredom doesn't kick in and doom the relationship. so i wouldn't aim for perfection, just low level bliss!

 

i think some people can't stand the thought of being alone, or hear their biological clock ticking or whatever, and grab whomever they are with and get married to them like playing a game of musical chairs. and the opposite is people who are so exacting, that NOBODY is good enough.

 

a lot has to do with personality too, and how independent you are. if being alone terrifies you, then you will most likely lower the bar in whom you choose for a partner to avoid any loneliness. and if you are very independent and self sufficient, much more willing to wait it out until someone you really feel sparks with comes along, and nothing is better than something mediocre.

 

so think some of it is luck (right person, right place, right time), and some of it is personal choice.

[quietgrl]

quietgrl

 

How old are ya?

 

I'm 36 years old.

[musicguy]

and you're single?

[Weeblie]

I don't know if there are people out there that are "meant" to be alone. I think that there are definitely people out there that are more capable of being alone than others. I also don't believe that their are people you are "meant" to be with.

 

I think that it's just a matter of timing and a willingness to make a relationship work. I've worked with a couple of women who had arranged marriages...they seemed really happy. I think that the idea of a soulmate or perfect match is an unhealthy myth that keeps people from being happy.

[turqoise]

Just a guess, but I think there are four kinds of people:

1. Those happy with themselves and single

2. Those happy with themselves and in a mutually uplifting relationship.

3. Those unsatisfied with themselves

4. Those unsatisfied with themselves and in a mutually dependent relationship.

 

I`ve been in each of the 4 positions, and I`d guess that it`s easier to find and maintain a relationship if you`re happy to begin with. I like to believe that there`s someone for everyone if you want someone...but I do wonder if there`a kind of person that stays single all their lives unintentionally- like your uncle bob or aunt may, or that lady next door. Is it a social skill that lacks, giving in too quickly, genetics, closet homosexuality...???

[healinginnyc81]

turquoise, i like your description. It seems true. I think there are some people in relationships that aren't really that happy. On the other hand, I agree that some people are single but they're happy.

Other people who are single maybe are more independent or more picky and so they find it hard to meet the "right" people to date.

Maybe we have interests, goals or values that aren't the most common so the chances of finding someone who clicks with us aren't as high.

 

Maybe having a relationship is overrated.

[ForAnother]

Maybe its a social norm to be in a relationship so we aspire to such.

 

There are a lot of social norms that not everyone follows. Relationships are great, but so is being single. I suppose I'll encounter the bad side of being single soon enough, but I have experienced the lonliness of it all. I dunno... being in a relationship where you aren't happy sucks... I'd rather be single and alone (where you can easily change what youa re doing) than be in a relationship and be upset (Hard situation to get out of, as you are affecting someone else's life).

 

-ForAnother

[MythicDawn]

I always think there is potential. But I think for some people is it so little that they might as well not try. (like me)

 

I also hate it when people say "oh, you'll find someone someday"

no i wont

[quietgrl]

and you're single?

 

 

Yup i'm single

[stopit]

I also hate it when people say "oh, you'll find someone someday"

no i wont

 

I hate it too when people say that - it makes it an unsatisfactory waiting game. But out of curiosity, what would you like to hear instead? I.e. are there any words to be offered to the lonely that aren't condescending or plain unhelpful?

[MissyM]

I think the minute you stop looking, you find someone.

 

Also, I don't believe in "the one".

[stopit]

I don't think we can count on serendipity to land us in a relationship. Although I agree relaxing and easing up build confidence, not looking gets few anywhere.

[JimmerJammer]

Well I thought I would put in my two cents as I've been around relationships for a while and my desire to find one is pretty high. I'll agree with what turqoise said in that you're better off being happy by yourself first and THEN getting into a relationship. As there's just too much room to count on the other person for your happiness and this also means that you can get upset when they don't do something you want or expected.

 

I personally do feel that there is someone for everyone, BUT you have to be looking too. I mean you can't sit at home doing nothing and expecting that special person to walk through your door and say "I'm here for you, lets be together forever" because that's just silly. Relationships are a LOT of work because two people are never the same. there's going to be periods of moments where things are really good to moments where you'd feel happier walking away.

 

Where the difference is made between one person is the other is being able to look through each others flaws and differences and to actually make attempts at helping to understand one another. If you sit there and are thinking "man I really hate it when they do this!" and actually say that to them, well its not going to do much in the manner of love will it. Most likely such an attack on who they are will reject them and its going to be that much harder for them to open up to you as a result.

 

Its interesting to note that I feel that the less you pay attention to WHO it is and start making more of an effort with who you're with is the way to go. If every person who gets you feeling all gitty inside makes you think they're your soul mate, well that doesn't make much sense. If, however, you find someone you click with and feel its best to take it one day at a time you'll find a much deeper connection will often brew or you'll figure out you're not a match with this person. Its when you look too hard for that special person instead of being present with the person you're with, making sure that you're not trying to fit them into some ideal but are actually working to be loving with them. Can you still love someone with all their flaws? Can you still love someone when they're mad at you? Can you still love someone when they turn their back to you and you have to figure out whether to leave the room or embrace them? Because love IS the answer, not some ill-fated dream of some person who's supposedly destined to be our soul mate. its just not that easy, simple or straightforward, but when you work on making something with someone just to see where it goes, I feel that makes for a lasting relationship and its usually at this point where you get surprised.

[healinginnyc81]

There's probably people around us everyday that we would have a good relationship with, we just don't get to meet them.

 

That's why we always hear the advice that we should join clubs or classes that fit our interests. It's a way to do something we enjoy and at the same time meet new people. We don't have to meet someone to date, we might just make good friends and those friends might know someone that would be good for us.

 

Anyway, focusing on getting a relationship seems like a waste of time and energy. Look for ways to enjoy life and make the most of being single. The more you enjoy your life, the more interesting you are and the more other people are drawn to you either for friendship or for dating.

[Proactive Paradigm]

Same answer I give to anyone who says this:

 

If there is, mine died.