Help! Pushing him away...

[Magic_star829]

Hi,

 

I have been seeing this guy now for a little more than a month, and things are mostly going great. Last night though I think I may have seriously messed it up. This guy is different from all the guys I normally date, in that he actually treats me well. And when I told him that I needed things to move slow because I was molested when I was young, he totally understood and was fine with it. I have realised though that the closer we get, and the more I seem to be falling for him, the more afraid I am. And I think last night's stupid (and I mean it was the stupidest thing ever) 'incident' was an attempt to push him away. And I feel sooo bad today about it, and think I may have really blown it.

 

He's in law school, and exams are coming up and he's going to be very very busy until at least Dec.15, but I am going back east for the holidays to visit my family and am leaving on the 13th and not returning until Jan 3rd. We saw eachother tuesday and I e-mailed him asking him if he was free thursday so we can hang out. He e-mailed me back saying how he had so much studying to do and no time for it, then when we talked after said since he'd be soo busy with exams he decided yes he could see me today(thursday) and that would be more convenient for him because after that he didn't know if he'd be able to see me. ANyway, how it ended is me not giving in (to seeing him today) and him saying he felt like he had been played, and just signing off.

 

I know this is really petty, and I feel really bad about it, and I know it was some unsubconscious way to pushing him away... I think I may have succeeded though. I don't know what to do. How do I keep from pushing him away when all I want to do is hug him, kiss him and be with him??

[Jayar]

I think in general, regardless what is going on with your life THIS is the reason you should let him choose to see you and plan to see you. If I were in your shoes, rather than asking for a date and being disappointed, I'd have made it clear that I'm leaving for my trip BEFORE his exams are over (and he's not stupid, he knows this means if he wants to see you he has to book you before you leave) and if he didn't want to get together, I wouldn't make a peep. I'd go out east and enjoy myself. He'll be there when you get back.

 

I WOULD make a mental note that, knowing I was leaving for a long time he still didn't schedule to meet with me even for one evening because it was inconvenient to him... It's not grounds for break-up but if I started to feel like I was giving more to the relationship than him over the long term it would be over.

 

I can tell you that a guy who was seriously hardcore into you would have made time to see you... WITHOUT your scheduling it. He'd have been trying to pin YOU down! Anyway, the key in dating to weed out the "just not that into you" guys is to speak little (as in don't monopolize him, plan his days, become a chore) and listen fully (to his actions more than his words). If you didn't ask him for a date and he didn't ask you for one, consider how important it is for you to have someone who's REALLY into you. If you are otherwise happy, enjoy your trip and go home and see him after. If you aren't feeling like a priority, move on.

 

It's only been a month.

[DN]

Call him, apologise for being silly and say you would very much like to see him before you leave.

[scarew]

Call him, apologise for being silly and say you would very much like to see him before you leave.

 

Yup. Say exactly that. Say you were silly. Because you were. Silly goose.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you have to ask yourself, what were you upset about, and how did pushing him away help that... i think you were upset because you disappointed that he didn't have time, so turned around and 'punished' him when he changed his mind (or found he did have some time). he really has a valid reason for not getting together much right now, so i think your feelings were hurt and you overreacted when he did call...

 

i agree, call and apologize and tell him you were disappointed at not seeing him before you left and a bit miffed from feeling like you weren't important.

 

it is always better to always try to TALK before ACTING when you are angry... by that i mean, tell him what is upsetting you and why, and give him a chance to respond. little punishments like this never build communications or make him want to be with you...

 

btw, have you considered or had counseling to do with the childhood molestation? it could really help you learn how to trust and overcome some of the problems that have developed because of that... it is hard to trust when one has been abused, and easy to blow up little problems into large ones, so i think counseling could really help you through this.