ok... so do i have a right to be mad?

[SeaBisquit]

hi, so I have been together with this guy for about a month and a half. he is separated from his wife. but his wife doesn't leave him alone. she calls him about 10 to 20 times a day. i finally answered the phone and told her not to call anymore. so then she stopped calling him and started driving by my house and actually got the nerve to knock at my door and ask him to come back home to her. he told her not to come to my house anymore she stopped doing that. so now she visits his parents daily and goes to all of his daughters basketball games. so now i'm not going to his families for the holidays because she will be there and i wasn't allowed to go to the basketball game that she was at. his parents won't tell her to stay away from their son or their house and he doesn't do anything about it either. am i over reacting?

[ImThatGirl]

How long have they been separated?

 

What would you do if you were in her shoes?

[SeaBisquit]

a few months. thats it. but they have been separated a few times before. and yes i feel somewhat sorry for her in a sense. but she cheated on him all thru out there marriage and that is why he left her.

[Dako]

It's up to him to deal with her, not you.

If anything, a guy in his situation should provide you with a safe and respectable spot in his life or not be dating until he resolves his last relationship. He has to put a stop to her antics.

 

I'll skip the lecture about not dating a guy that's recently separated.

[ImThatGirl]

Is this the same guy you've mentioned before?

 

I'm going out on a limb here, Sea... You seem like a very sweet girl mixed up with a not so good guy.

 

I also noticed that in a couple posts that people ask if they should date a married man/woman, you've posted and said "nooo.. not unless you want to be waiting around for them to file.)

 

Now, here's my concern --->

They've separated a few times. And they apparently got back together a few times.

 

I know he's probably telling you that he wants to be with you, etc., etc. but if I were you, I'd keep him at least an arm's length distance until all of this resolves.

 

The only reason you have a right to be upset is that he's most likely feeding you a line of bull. Then his actions don't follow up.

 

Did you happen to ask him how she reacted the other times they split?

[Batya33]

You are dating a legally married man with children. What you describe are the disadvantages and risks. Of course he has to put his children first and that might mean giving in to his wife's demands rather than risking custody issues later.

[SeaBisquit]

he says he can't do anything about her going to see his mom. and i feel thats unfair because i can't go there because of her.

[ratherbesailing]

Seabisquit -

 

If having you at the basketball games upsets his daughter then I can understand that and you need to give it some time. The rest of it sounds a bit off the wall.

 

If he has no intention of getting back together with her then he needs to send her a clear message. He's not helping her by accepting that many calls and spending time with her. I'm assuming the daughter is hers so he'll need to communicate with her to some extent but no where near the amount that they seem to be now.

 

I am interested to hear how long they have been separated. Maybe this relationship with you is too soon. I'm not sure if you should be mad but you should be worried what direction this is all heading.

[ImThatGirl]

I honestly feel that it goes with the territory, Sea. By accepting a relationship with him, you also accept the rollercoaster and the back seat.

 

~Hugs to you~ You deserve much more than this!

[SeaBisquit]

ok they don't have any children together. his daughter is from another marriage. he also moved in with me two weeks after he left his wife. he never asked if he could move in he just did. then he told me that he loves me.

[Batya33]

he says he can't do anything about her going to see his mom. and i feel thats unfair because i can't go there because of her.

 

That's right. You are not the priority here- his children are and he is doing everything he needs to be doing so that his children are comfortable. If his wife is uncomfortable, his children will be uncomfortable and his relationship with them could be harmed since she is the custodial parent. Even if she wasn't that would be the case.

 

When you date a married man, his wife has to take priority - if not emotionally, then on a practical level, particularly if she is the mother of his children. If they were legally divorced he would have the leverage to put down boundaries and rules. Your presense in his life could negatively impact his right to custody of his children.

[ImThatGirl]

Seriously now! I'm so sad for you!

 

He was so persistent - you told him in the beginning that you two weren't for each other.

 

Then he brought a stayover bag and stayed permanently!?

 

You deserve more. You deserve more. You deserve more.

 

He had no right involving you in this situation. Have you really evaluated this enough to decide if you want to be with him?

[SeaBisquit]

ok so should i ask him to move out? until things get resolved.

[nomoretears4uboo]

I kinda see where you're coming from. My ex was legally separated from his wife and not divorce. They have a child together and they all lived with his parents. She would always call him and leave him voicemails saying she wanted him back. I honestly i dont think you are overeacting because, if hes not doing anything either to stop it. Doesnt it make wonder why he's not doing anything? Have you asked him to tell her to stop?

[chai714]

It's up to him to deal with her, not you.

If anything, a guy in his situation should provide you with a safe and respectable spot in his life or not be dating until he resolves his last relationship. He has to put a stop to her antics.

 

I'll skip the lecture about not dating a guy that's recently separated.

 

 

I agree with Dako. I can't really add much, unless it would be a lecture but, like Dako I'll skip it too.

[ratherbesailing]

SeaBisquit -

 

He needs time alone. You will be doing everyone a favor if you ask him to move out. I didn't date for about 4 months after my separation and I'm so glad I spent that time focusing on just my kids and myself.

[SeaBisquit]

yeah i think i'm might not be the only one that is hurting here.

[TxRedheadGuy]

ok they don't have any children together. his daughter is from another marriage. he also moved in with me two weeks after he left his wife. he never asked if he could move in he just did. then he told me that he loves me.

 

Whoa - he moved in two weeks after he separated? And didn't ask first?

That would be a big red flag.............

[ImThatGirl]

ok so should i ask him to move out? until things get resolved.

 

 

According to your other posts, it's clear that you were against dating while someone was married before he set up camp in you living room.

 

I can't make a decision for you....

 

But I can say that it's a definite that you may not be happy with some of the arrangements. But if you accept him into your life at this time, you're going to have to sweep alot under the rug rather than letting it get to you.

 

 

 

 

 

(( Just walk away now. Rather than digging the hole further.))

[SeaBisquit]

he also will not let me see my friends. which my friends think is because they will tell on him.

[ImThatGirl]

How easy will it be for you to write him off??

[HellFrost666]

This daughter they have, is she theirs together? If that is the case then she (the mother) has the right to go to all the basketballs games. His parents also have a right to see their grandaughter without adding the drama of you being there.

 

I am not jumping all over you. Please don't take it that way. My girlfriend was legally married when I started seeing her, so (even though my situation was a little diferent) I can understand what it is like.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

that kind of stalking behavior can happen with ex-wives, especially if he broke it off and she didn't want to... but what is important is that neither your boyfriend nor his parents are discouraging her behavior, which they should be. and why are they inviting her instead of you to family functions and holiday celebrations, especially if you are his girlfriend and he is supposedly divorcing his wife?

 

i'd be careful here for lots of reasons. they haven't been separated long enough to resolve their issues, and you don't know this guy well enough after one and half months to know if he is telling you the real (or complete) story. are you really sure she cheated on him, and not the other way around? lots of cheaters lie to protect their own image in a divorce...

 

there are some true stalkers out there, but plenty of times, the 'stalker' may have some reason for feeling possessive, i.e., maybe he has told her it is a 'trial' separation, or they are still sleeping together sometimes, so her jealousy is getting fanned for good reason... and if they've separated and reconciled before, maybe she has gotten him back by pestering him and staying in his face so he finally gives in and reconciles. and maybe he likes having two women compete for him, some guys with big egos get off on that kind of behavior.

 

i dated a guy once who lied to me about being available and said his wife moved out and he was separated and getting divorced, which was news to his wife! they briefly had two places during some home renovation, and he was telling me she was living in another house nearby, and he was separated and living in their home. she meanwhile thought they were just renovating the other house so needed to live elsewhere for a while! i only discovered the 'real' story one night when he drank too much and i just asked him casually how his kids were taking the separation, and his reply (before he caught himself) was, they're fine, they think we're still together and are just living in separate houses for awhile! too drunk to get the whole lie out! so that started me thinking and i did some checking around and discovered the truth. he even told some people that *i* was stalking *him* and he was trying to talk me out of it (his excuse to other people for being seen out with me a few times), when he was really dating me and i had no clue that he was not truly separate and still involved with his wife.

 

so your boyfriend may be doing something to encourage his wife, or he may be using *you* as a pawn to drive his wife crazy as payback for an affair she had, etc. etc. divorces are always complicated and usually messy, and since they have broken up and reconciled before, please don't get too involved before you know what is really going on, and don't assume that he will go through with the divorce, or that she is totally crazy... there may be more going on there than meets the eye. sometimes men even provoke these brief separations when they see some woman they want to sleep with, so they are free to date (sleep) with her, then once they've 'bagged' her and quenched that thirst, they magically reconcile with the wife and kids again and tell the girlfriend, so sorry, but i'm getting back together with the wife... lowdown behavior, but it does happen.

 

also keep in mind that since they are not yet divorced, you could be subpoena'ed as his paramour in adultery, because any sexual contact before the actual divorce, regardless of separation, can be considered adultery. i also discovered that that guy who lied to me was seeing another woman, who saw him much more than i did (i refused to sleep with him when i discovered the truth), and that woman eventually did get subpoena'ed and dragged into the divorce as a homewrecker, followed by private detectives, videotape of them together and everything!

 

so please be careful, where there's smoke, there's fire!

[ImThatGirl]

I think that it is clear you are not happy with this situation.

 

Wouldn't it be better to let him go now while you still have dignity, respect, and strength?

[SeaBisquit]

i know for sure that she cheated on him. she works with a friend of mine and his mother was the one that confirmed that his wife had been cheating on him for nine years.